I've had an active life since before we met--I was almost 35 when we met, now I'm 37. We've been together about 2 1/2 years altogether. I work full time, I play in a band, and I have a group of friends that I really like getting together with. And now I've started back at school for my graduate degree, one class this semester. So life is busy. My stepdaughter spends every other week with us.

My husband has a tendency to act like he's okay with all of these things, but then gets "funny" with me when I'm away. He says I'm selfish, that I don't devote myself to the family. I checked in with him about something I wanted to do tonight in the evening after my SD went to bed, and he told me I was irresponsible and that since I had spent all night Sunday doing homework (true) and then had work and class on Monday, work on Tuesday, that he couldn't believe I would even consider it.

He gets cold with me, and it takes him a day or two to warm up. He says the place I should want to be the most is home, with him and his daughter (with whom I have a pretty good relationship). We've argued about the fact that I feel like I need to keep up with my 3 girlfriends--I like to get together with once a week, maybe once every couple of weeks. They see each other much more frequently, but they are all currently single. Sometimes, honestly, I would much rather be with them than home. They make me feel good about myself and they make interested inquiries into my life and what I'm doing or thinking. My husband talks at me a lot--he tells me so much about his work, I know the details, and if that's not enough, he'll tell me about it again like we've never talked about it before.

We don't like the same music, we don't really enjoy doing the same things. We don't even like the same kind of people. I keep wondering--how did I let myself end up here? Is this where I want to be for the rest of my life? I feel like I love him and I worry about his feelings and want to be "a good wife," but is this happening at the expense of my own self?

And of course there's the fear that I'm just afraid of intimacy.

I'm in a confused place, as you can probably tell. Maybe I really am selfish, and I never knew it before. Or maybe my husband can't accept me for who I am, and vice-versa.

Did anyone else out there have these kinds of doubts during their first year? That's my big question.

Thanks for any thoughts you can offer.

Why is that a given (of course?) because you didn't describe anything that suggests intimacy or the fear of it. From what you did describe, he sounds like a whiner. Should you not work? Should you not go to school to better yourself? And then not do the required homework.....from just one class? And I don't see anything wrong with going out with the girls once a week or twice a month. I hope you won't allow him to convince you to stop doing any of those things, most especially concerning your job and graduate studies. Watch out or he will have you entirely dependent on him, which is a terrible place to be. Please remain your own person and independent. I can understand you posting from feeling nagged at, but I get the feeling there is so much more to the story because none of what you mention is anything to complain about. He's either a selfish whiner or he's setting you up. Guilting you into surrendering yourself to his control. These are the warning signs. Give in now to your own detriment later on. You're waking up after one year to find you may have married the wrong person. Very wise of you, but don't let that stretch into another year or 10 years to wake up and find yourself in an abusive relationship where you're not allowed your own thoughts, can't do anything right no matter what you do, and always second guessing yourself. Constant criticism very easily does exactly that well before you know what happened. Most women find themselves trapped and unable to leave.

It's *possible* you are avoiding intimacy by maintaining such an active and independent life.
But it's also possible that this is just how your husband feels and you are only being true to yourself.
Was the whole 'fear of intimacy' idea yours or his?

I said it an another post, but it bears repeating here:
- There's Selfish ("Your needs don't matter")
- There's Healthy Self-Interest ("Your needs matter, but my needs matter too"), and
- There's Selfless ("Anything you need -- don't worry about me.")

You should maintain a healthy self-interest, and in a healthy marriage, your husband should want that for you as well. Are you being selfish and withholding? Or is your husband being selfish, controlling and needy? Only you can tell...

Sure, there are adjustments during the first year. And finding the right balance between togetherness and independence is one of them. But the success or failure of that balance-finding has much to do with communication also. Who wants to hurry home to a man who says you were selfish for leaving in the first place?

You say you get on will with the SD well that is fantastic, and presumably you would like to spend time with her when she is over at your house, all together as a family.

Has your DH been married before ?

I didn't have doubts in my first year, I think because I was much younger than you (22) and did not have the "rich" life that you are having. So we both just worked and hung around together, growing into the marriage.

You seem to be very independent and I guess some of that independence would have to change into a partnership, when you married.

Reasonable question. None of this came up during courtship?

Do you enjoy doing things as a family when SD is with you? Do you have children of your own? First marriage for you?

"And of course there's the fear that I'm just afraid of intimacy."

This struck me as strange inclusion compared with the other concerns you described. Seems unrelated....but there it is. Why "of course"? Not sure what this means or where it fits in. Is there lousy sex along with everything else?

I'm a go-getter, innately comfortable with busy. Super social. Very very independent. I'm in a band, I work 15 hours a week, involved with church and friends and school and you name it.

Our first year was absolute hell.

I too have addressed a fear of intimacy - in fact, two therapists confirmed it (it's not about sex, asolo) - but to use the word "fear" suggests something whacky - it's more like a discomfort with intense closeness...so instead, that intimacy gets spread around to lots of people.

You're in a familiar vicious cycle - you distance, he gets upset and tries to control and change you, you resist and get busier, etc -

I didnt' handle it well - pitched a fit, in fact, and gave up on a lot of things that mattered to me, to avoid the fight - then I grew up and decided that 1. I wanted to be happily married and 2. I needed to maintain my identity - and decided that balance, sacrifice, and self care were all necessary to achieve both goals.

I started making extra time with my husband, and clarified what I would not be sacrificing. The music stays. The girlfriends and single life went. The baby showers and candle parties went. The church and school were balanced, and I got a great job that provides a lot of money and personal satisfaction - and limited it to school hours.

We're all happier - 16 years later. It was well worth it, but I would not want to be back in those early adjustment years. I feel for you!

For the record, you might be one of the lucky few who has a husband very interested in a partnership. I'd not toss that off to him being controlling so much as saying what he needs.

Read the OP, folks! There's enough in there without making stuff up.

First, if you were doing these things before you got married, then DH knew what he was getting into. Second, if you were doing all of these activities, How did you have time to date the man who became your DH? You made time for him before, right? You need to make sure that you still do that now. Just because you are "married" doesn't mean that it will be there if you aren't. Married should be a verb and not an adjective. That is when the real work starts. Finally, IMHO, if you got married and want to stay married, it is time for a sit down meeting to hash out what both of you are expecting. If you knew enough to marry him then DH's expectations should not seem to come from no where, meaning that you should have noticed that some of these have been coming for a while. It is really hard to be in the adjustment phase of being married. No one really lets all of the baggage hit the floor until they are sure they are staying. You have to sort out what every one wants and still make sure you don't lose yourself in the process.

Honestly, I think you are having a case of "I wish I were still there 'itis". Basically, you are still mourning a part of your life that you had to step away from. It is not unusual to miss your single life. I know for a fact that I did. It isn't wrong, but if you wanted to marry DH then, there were reasons and do they still hold up? If marriage is something that is REALLY important to you, then you have to make sure that you are willing- not to put his needs first- but to make sure he is being heard and to try to make sure he is hearing you. If he is making you uncomfortable about seeing your single friends every week, maybe you should compromise. Could you invite them over, on the week when the SD is not there of course? Being married means that he should be at the center of your life, not your whole life, and you will need to encourage him to meet you half way. Don't give up the things you love, don't lose your passion for life, but don't leave him behind like a long date you wish was over. He obviously still wants to be around you. Have you thought about why you don't have the need to be around him as much. I am pretty sure you saw him more when you were dating than you are now if he is complaining. Maybe you need to look more closely at the situation.

Please feel free to tell me if I am way off base... I am a big girl, I can deal with it. LOL.

I've recovered a bit from that emotional high from the big fight, and I think I've got things a little more in perspective now. The impetus of the fight was my wanting to go to a friends house after having a busy week, and I've come to recognize that was insensitive of me. Not that it's always insensitive, but yes to that particular case. A couple of you suggested scheduling, and I think that's something that might help. I think if I can prepare in advance for how much time I need to take care of all my relationships--husband, girlfriends (one of whom is my sister, got to make time for her) then it could help in making us both satisfied in that realm. Sometimes it's easy for me to villainize my husband when yes, possibly, I have a hand in it too.

I do need to carve out time for him, to remember how it was when we were dating. Some things from my life sat on the back burner then, and I was happy to leave them there but they've come back around I guess. That'll take a little work to figure out how to handle it.

To Amyfiddler, interesting to hear from someone else who played in a band. Thanks for the insight.

So I know I have some work to do, but he's got a lot to do himself. I think the way he talks to me when he gets upset isn't quite right. Not yelling, not cursing, not calling me names, it just doesn't feel right. But I've talked to him about this, and we're in counseling, and we'll just have to see. Meanwhile, I'll have to work on my "I wish I was still there"-itis, which I'm pretty sure I have a pretty big case of (peanutmom).

This has been a positive experience, thanks.

I think in second marriages, the first year is especially difficult. So much compromising and trying to bend without breaking. But it does get better.

Rose

and also if you have that little time for your husband why did you marry? and especially a man with a child? if you'd rather be with the girlfriends?