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newlywedstepmom

Help! Was your first year of marriage really tough?

newlywedstepmom
14 years ago

My board name doesn't hold completely true anymore--we just had our first anniversary. This year, however, has been one of the most difficult of my life. I feel poised on the edge here, and I want to know if I'm experiencing what others have experienced during their first year of marriage or if I've married someone that doesn't suit me at all.

I've had an active life since before we met--I was almost 35 when we met, now I'm 37. We've been together about 2 1/2 years altogether. I work full time, I play in a band, and I have a group of friends that I really like getting together with. And now I've started back at school for my graduate degree, one class this semester. So life is busy. My stepdaughter spends every other week with us.

My husband has a tendency to act like he's okay with all of these things, but then gets "funny" with me when I'm away. He says I'm selfish, that I don't devote myself to the family. I checked in with him about something I wanted to do tonight in the evening after my SD went to bed, and he told me I was irresponsible and that since I had spent all night Sunday doing homework (true) and then had work and class on Monday, work on Tuesday, that he couldn't believe I would even consider it.

He gets cold with me, and it takes him a day or two to warm up. He says the place I should want to be the most is home, with him and his daughter (with whom I have a pretty good relationship). We've argued about the fact that I feel like I need to keep up with my 3 girlfriends--I like to get together with once a week, maybe once every couple of weeks. They see each other much more frequently, but they are all currently single. Sometimes, honestly, I would much rather be with them than home. They make me feel good about myself and they make interested inquiries into my life and what I'm doing or thinking. My husband talks at me a lot--he tells me so much about his work, I know the details, and if that's not enough, he'll tell me about it again like we've never talked about it before.

We don't like the same music, we don't really enjoy doing the same things. We don't even like the same kind of people. I keep wondering--how did I let myself end up here? Is this where I want to be for the rest of my life? I feel like I love him and I worry about his feelings and want to be "a good wife," but is this happening at the expense of my own self?

And of course there's the fear that I'm just afraid of intimacy.

I'm in a confused place, as you can probably tell. Maybe I really am selfish, and I never knew it before. Or maybe my husband can't accept me for who I am, and vice-versa.

Did anyone else out there have these kinds of doubts during their first year? That's my big question.

Thanks for any thoughts you can offer.

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