Knowing that your marriage was so shaky, why did you conceive a child? That seems very irresponsible. Now you have not only your own happiness and futures to work out, but also those of an innocent person. Guess who is going to get hurt the most?

scarlett2001...we did not try and concieve a child, we used protection and she is (was) on preventive meds it just happened, and it is a blessing. and if that all you got out of my post, then you did not read the whole thing, don't judge me or us, or tell us who will hurt for a few words typed on a message board.

Doesn't sound like a "blessing" to me based on your description of the relationship between the parents-to-be.

If you don't want opinions -- which you apparently regard as "judging" -- posting on public forums should be avoided.

We need to help him deal with the situation, as is. There is a child on the way, the parents do not love each other.

"Am I wrong for wanting out? am I the bad guy? is it wrong of me to be the one who actually takes the necessary steps into seperating?"

Can you come to a firm agreement with your wife about the separation?

"not to speak for her, but i know she is just as unhappy,"

You need to confirm this, and ask her what she thinks the best outcome could be.

Your child will have two parents that love each other, it seems, regardless as to whether you are together or not. Whatever decision you make, your number one priority is the welfare of your child. How much input can you have in that if your wife moves away ?

You are young you have bright futures, don't give up hope that happiness will allude you.

Talk to your wife, with the objective of creating an amicable separation. Decisions must be made, your child needs happy parents no miserable ones.

P

Personally, I think a baby is ALWAYS a blessing, so there.

Anyway, I have to admit I am not into people thinking they have a right or need to be "happy". It sounds as if nothing is really wrong with the marriage; just that it is lacking happiness. In my opinion, happiness goes through stages... no one is ever always happy and sometimes people goes years without happiness, and there's really nothing wrong with that. My "happiest" times were in college but they're over, and I'm never going back to those fun and carefree days. Being happy is more about being at peace with YOURSELF and learning to accept the little things in life as gifts. You are still young, and probably have not yet experienced a real problem that brings about real unhappiness. In other words, you may be happier than you even realize.

I would focus on trying to make your spouse truly happy. Skip the game Sunday, take her to the flea market, go to her favorte restaturant, etc. It is amazing the true happiness that comes from giving to someone else instead of trying to focus on making yourself happy. I really think you should try to stick it out for the baby's sake. I can't imagine you being any happier away from your baby the first year of life. And, you just may fall madly in love with your wife all over again as you go through seeing her become a mother. I think just trying to see things from a more grown up and different perspective and accepting the fact that you may not be happy for a while may be all you really need to do. What do you think would make you happy at this point in your life? Be careful what you wish for, because, honestly, the grass isn't usually greener and unhappiness will probably be found there too.

ps. MIL's almost always cause problems... It could always be worse. Just let it go; it will only tear you up inside trying to 'correct' the problems.

"....the circle just continues."

Let's get down to it. What's going on between you -- or with just you, yourself -- that makes you "unhappy"? What specifically is going on with you and/or between the two of you?

kcils, what does your vision of "happiness" look like to you? If it involves a different woman in your life, a new relationship, I would highly encourage you and your wife to read the step parent forum from beginning to end, so that you both have a "long term" and more realistic picture of the long term complications that often occur in divorce, when one or both spouses remarry, or have a serious relationship with someone else. If neither of you remarried, or had a new relationship, and simply focused on being great parents to the "child" you are bringing into the world, it would possibly work, if you lived near one another. As you read the step parent forum, you will see that this is where the complications, and feuds, and all of the emotions come into the mix. You will see many posts from "girlfriends, or those who are only engaged but involved in the role of a step parent.

Reading this forum will help you in making decisions regarding your marriage, and will affect your beautiful child for years to come.

You may be one of the lucky ones, who are able to make this situation work. Who knows at this point, so early, what the long term effects will be?

But at least (by reading the step parent forum), you will be making decisions with some sort of knowledge, and a more mature viewpoint, from the experiences of so many others, who have walked this path, and not from the naive and narrow perspective of youth, which can be so very, very limited.

I too would encourage you to not do anything right now. You will personally go through such a tremendous period of change and growth in the next 5 years, you will not believe it, and so will your wife. You can not imagine the maturity and growth and change as you really become a man now. You will want to be a better man than your father was. You will want to get it right for this child of yours. Your thinking will change in so many ways.

So give it time, and see who you both become through this incredible, exciting, new beginning in your life.

I also want to mention that if you leave, and she goes back to her home town, it seems that she and her mother will be raising your child. And they will fall in love and become very, very protective of the baby. How will you fit into all of this? Will they make it difficult or uncomfortable for you to see your child (on your terms)? What about if you now have another woman in the picture? I cannot imagine any woman being comfortable with that.

IMO, this is a time to stay put. Again, you are not going to believe the changes you are going to make in your thinking, as you become a father, and a man.

I wish you well as you welcome your beautiful child in the world! Hang in there, you will be fine.

Hi kcils -

I'm having a hard time formulating an answer to your post being a mother of a DS around the same age. As a result I would be answering from the point of view of a mother. It would be hard for me to remove that from the equation.

I would venture to guess that you have grown up in the same "culture" as my DS. I am wondering to myself how my DS would handle marriage plus the addition of a child?

I know how much he and his friends enjoy their freedom. Going to concerts, hanging out together, generally having a blast. (I wish I had it so good!)

I think you and DW are just young, newlyweds, having a difficult time adjusting to marriage with a child on its way. I think you two have just finished college and it is tough to let go of being young and carefree.

You just might need time to adjust to becoming grown-ups with all the responsibilites attendant thereto.

You might just both want to "give up" now and DW can return home to the "nest" where Mommy and Daddy can pick up the pieces or she can decide to fight for her marriage and future child.

You both would have to come to the conclusion together that even though the present situation with the difficulties you are having together are very real to you, they can be overcome. It will take work on both your parts.

I can illustrate and example for you.

Example: You are accepted into college. You schedule classes. You thought it was going to be all fun. You choose not to study. You take your test and you fail.

It is not enough to want to enjoy the college experience. You must study or fail. If you fail, you are thrown out. No one will care if you think that you shouldn't have to study because it isn't enjoyable. It isn't mature thinking.

That is the same for marriage. It is not enough to just want to be married. Marriage requires a firm resolve to work together as a team for the good of the marriage. It isn't all fun!

Maybe DW is not grown up enough to handle marriage.

I am not picking on you. Please don't think so cause I know how I Love my DS and would want the best for him. But, I also learned that he is an autonomous being that must find his own way. I can't be the director of his Life although I wish I could always save him from his mistakes.

May the Creator hold you and your little family in the palm of his hand while you make your decisions at this time in your young lives together.....

thank you all for all of the advice, i'd be lying if i didn't say this was all overwhelming, first let me say that neither she nor I are going to give up on us, what bnice said really hit home with me, that we will mature and have growth over the next 5 years, and that is honestly all that I am yearnng for, more maturity in our marriage, not to say that I am the most mature person in the world, but i've been on my own since i was 18, i put myself through college, and have been taking care of myself for a long time, my wife is completely the opposite, he parents took care of her up until we were married, not there is nothing wrong with it, heck i wish i had the help she did, but she really still has alot of spoiled ways to her, she still thinks that she gets what she wants when she wants it no matter what, even if that means causing emotional, and or financial stress for our household, and when i step in with my opinion she views it as me being against her. Last night I took her to her favourite resturant and we talked, we layed it all on the table, there was no arguing, no bad words spoken, my head is telling me that it could be progress, but my gut is saying we'll just be going throgh the same issues again in the future.

I love my wife, and i am more than willing to invest the time it's going to take to hopefully get us on common ground, I've been told that once a marriage hits its stride that it is the most beautiful union two people can have, that is our common goal, i'm not a negative thinker, but i won't be naieve either, one day at a time is so cliche' but that could be the medicine we need, my biggest issue is i want her to realize we can't jump from A to Z, i want us to slow down and enjoy life together, lets enjoy parenthood together, and lets realize that nobody else matters, as long as i'm happy with her and she's happy with me, who cares!

Financial immaturity is one of the easiest of differences to overcome. If that's the only nut, you'll be fine.

I dont think you're a bad person...if you're unhappy,then you are unhappy.

However,why not wait until after this baby is born? Believe me,I know you think you may know,but NOTHING brings two people together like a baby. Once you see this beautiful child,and look at each other and know you both created it,a lot of feelings may change.

Myself,I never felt closer to my husband then after the birth of our daughter.We didnt have much in common at first either. So much has changed though.Our goals and everything else seemed much more in sync after she was born.
I know this isnt true for everyone...but why not give it a chance?

I re-read your OP where you mentioned your MIL controls your wife from a distance, and that your wife was kinda spoiled. I don't mean to be mean, but I think your DW shoould cut the apron strings a little.

kcils, please re-read my post Tues. Nov. 6th. I would advise you to just breath when you feel overwhelmed. I went back and re- read your 3 old posts, and understand the emotional struggle you have been going through.

Again, If I were in your shoes, I would not do anything right now regarding your marriage. Wait things out for awhile as both you and your wife will go through some major changing in the way you think and your perspective, as you see this beautiful child you are bringing into the world. You will grow in ways you cannot imagine right now. I am going to switch over to your new post.

For heaven's sake who started this "happy" stuff. A friend was
telling me she's not "happy" at work. If I saw somebody who was "happy" at work and "happy" at home I would check for drugs.
Don't worry about being happy in your marriage. If you and your wife have a lovely child, you don't have financial problems and you are building a future, that is more than lots of people have. If you are busy telling her you are "unhappy" in your marriage you can't expect her not to call her mother and relate that. Mom probably has suggestions--like --give it time & don't strangle him. The woman is pregnant, this is a little difficult for her.
If you weren't married--would you have a more exciting job, be going to dance clubs --what would be different? You went to college --I would think you did plenty of socializing there, or not?
Being married and expecting a child is overwhelming for lots of men. Its the responsibility I guess.
You took your pregnant wife out to dinner and instead of being romantic or discussing the future child you layed it all out and discussed your problems, which may not be as mutual as you think they are. Good grief. Women do tend to feel the center of things when they are pregnant, you sure showed her how much power you have. If she took it gracefully she's better than you think she is. I would have been very angry, and I would bet lots of women would be.