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So unhappy, but so scared.....

Posted by Darcy2012 (My Page) on
Thu, Nov 21, 13 at 0:08

This is very long. I need to vent so badly...

I am so unhappy, confused and scared. I have been with my husband for 22 years (married for 20 of them). For the majority of our marriage, he has pretty much acted like he couldn't care less if I were there. I always thought it was me. If I just did more of the things that I thought he liked, maybe he would see me as more than a room mate. I went so far as to alter my physical appearance to try to get him to notice me. I finally had enough about 2 years ago when I found some really bad stuff on his computer. I told him that as soon as I got my financial stuff together, I was leaving him. His reaction was "ok". I was crushed (not surprised), but at the same time, I felt liberated for the first time in a very long time!! I felt empowered and in control of myself like I hadn't in so long!! We went about life living separately but in the same house. Not long after that, I met someone. His wife of 13 years was moving out of their house. He and I hit it off right away. We spent a lot of time talking about family, friends, values, expectations and life in general. We really got to know each other as friends. At some point, my husband started realizing that I was serious about moving on and that maybe there was someone in my life that was paying attention to me. In other words, competition. I think that he thought that no one would ever be interested in me. At about the same time, the same thing happened with my friends wife. We both decided that we should give our marriages another try. The problem was, things would never be the same with our spouses. We had both realized that we weren't people that no one would want. That was a year ad a half ago. Our spouses have left and come back and left and come back (I know, the definition of insanity). So, the problem is that my friend has become my closest confidant and someone that I trust with all of my secrets. He is the same with me. I have told him things that I have never told anyone else and he has done the same. My husband is still in the picture. His wife is still in the picture. He also has 2 young children (10 & 12).

Here is my question, after so many years of being treated bad, why do I feel so guilty about completely cutting the ties with my husband? I care about him and really don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to be with him anymore. Too many years of being treated like I wasn't important or didn't matter have taken a toll on me. I want to run as far away as possible and not look back, but I am so scared. Why am I so scared?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: So unhappy, but so scared.....

Well I think it is understandable that you are scared.

Even though your DH has treated you badly over the years, he was still somebody who lived in the house with you. You are probably more dependent on him than you realize.

The thought of being on your own is probably what is scaring you - it scares me !

For your own clarity - be sure about how you can look after yourself in the future, both financially and emotionally.

Be careful about exchanging your reliance on your DH with reliance on your new friend.

A lot of people would look like 'the one' when you are stuck in a loveless marriage - if someone showed an interest in you (which your DH has not for so many years) - your attraction to them may not be a healthy one.

Good luck with it all.


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RE: So unhappy, but so scared.....

I could only advise someone with similar circumstances that I knew to get out of a bad marriage while it is only 20 yrs instead of 40 ....like mine...computer stuff? Been there...

I have not attempted to leave but want to very much....I daresay I am older than you which is how I know it does not get better...only gets worse...your first illness such as a surgical procedure will show how bad your relationship is..

I would not leave a marriage with or for anyone but yourself....don't be surprised if the friend you have gets scared off by your new found freedom....then it would be up to them to make a move...and they may not at all...

Do it for your future emotional well being...if you have enough freedom to talk to friends then you are half way there...start the process of info gathering to seriously consider your best options...talk to lawyers and anyone else who can help you become more independent...if you have a job...even better...but I get what you are saying about being afraid...

Finances are the major reason women are frightened to be without a spouse who most likely made all or most money...judges understand this so I hear.....good luck


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RE: So unhappy, but so scared.....

I could only advise someone with similar circumstances that I knew to get out of a bad marriage while it is only 20 yrs instead of 40 ....like mine...computer stuff? Been there...

I have not attempted to leave but want to very much....I daresay I am older than you which is how I know it does not get better...only gets worse...your first illness such as a surgical procedure will show how bad your relationship is..

I would not leave a marriage with or for anyone but yourself....don't be surprised if the friend you have gets scared off by your new found freedom....then it would be up to them to make a move...and they may not at all...

Do it for your future emotional well being...if you have enough freedom to talk to friends then you are half way there...start the process of info gathering to seriously consider your best options...talk to lawyers and anyone else who can help you become more independent...if you have a job...even better...but I get what you are saying about being afraid...

Finances are the major reason women are frightened to be without a spouse who most likely made all or most money...judges understand this so I hear.....good luck


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RE: So unhappy, but so scared.....

Thank you both for your advice!! I'm completely terrified and I don't know why!! Most of the time I feel like I am being ridiculous!! The rest of the time I just feel defeated. If I finally find the courage to leave, I know that it has to be for me and not for someone else. I feel like I know exactly what I want, but I don't have the guts to do it. I have a pretty good job and could support myself fine once I pay off a few bills. I have seen 3 different counselors (1 with him) and all of them have "encouraged" me to leave him.....


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RE: So unhappy, but so scared.....

If three counselors haven't helped, maybe you would do better in a support group. I'm guessing that it is being all alone, out on a limb that is the scary thing. Build yourself a support structure.


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RE: So unhappy, but so scared.....

I don't think that I'm scared to be alone. Actually, most of the time I would welcome it. What scares me is that, no matter what he's done, I still don't want to hurt him. I care about him enough to not want to hurt him, but I don't love him anymore. I just don't believe in him or trust him at all...


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RE: So unhappy, but so scared.....

Then you are an enabler. Yes, sometimes it is necessary to "hurt" someone.

The only person that you are hurting right now is yourself.


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RE: So unhappy, but so scared.....

I REALLY don't like myself. Most of the time, I just want to curl up and go to sleep and not wake up anymore. The only thing that prevents that is my amazing daughter and my grandchildren...


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RE: So unhappy, but so scared.....

Darcy, I hope you are OK. Re-reading your first post, your husband is ok with you leaving. He might not be as hurt as you think. Besides, you have to put yourself first. Not your husband, who has ignored you, not your new friend who may seem like a terrific guy, not your daughter or grandchildren, but you.

You have to give yourself a reason to live. I am going through depression (for other reasons) so I know what it is like. Move out of that house. Find things you like to do and do them. Call your friends, the ones who make you laugh, and arrange to see them when you can. Talk and laugh with your daughter and grandchildren. Please take these positive steps to improve your life and outlook. I will be doing the same (except that I have no children/grandchildren).

Let us know how it goes. 2014 is a new beginning.


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