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has to do with religion

10 years ago

show me what it means to be judgmental vs. non-judgmental...

This post was edited by dominoswrath on Sat, Nov 23, 13 at 18:16

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Comments (26)

scarlett2001
10 years ago
1. No politics or religion on these forums, also no advertising.

2. Are you for real?

3. Something smells very funny here, I'm not biting, except to make one reply to send this further down.
domino123
Original Author
10 years ago
Proper grammar please.

Trolls feel free to continue.

This post was edited by dominoswrath on Sat, Nov 23, 13 at 18:18
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Hello, I've been away from this group for an extended period but noticed it's still vibrant and I even recognize some old-timers :-). So hello! There seem to be certain topics that foreign gardeners fond of Japanese culture tend to repeat over and over, sometimes in spite of themselves. The relationship of gardening to "zen" (I use the word rather loosely) is one. Personally, FWIW (and please notice the FWIW), I differ with quite a few of the sentiments expressed above. While I agree with some that the background religions of Japan have played a huge role in the culture and development of Japanese gardens over the centuries (hence somewhat disagreeing with the stance advocated, say, by the JOJG), I have observed that for the most part, Japanese folks are not particularly religious in a conventional sense. Many folks familiar with Japanese culture have already noted this in various contexts, and it is (somewhat) supported by polls that have been conducted in various countries. Fact is, there is a huge difference between a background culture that has evolved over the centuries vs. someone's own involvement in that background as a spiritual tool. In other words, it could be the case that the vast majority of folks take their spiritual culture for granted and do not necessarily persue it as an individual discipline :-) Hence, a personal involvement in gardening as a "spiritual" persuit may say more about the individual than any particular norm they think they are being faithful to... I personally have noticed Japanese seem to get a big kick out of foreigners interpreting their culture as somehow saturated with zen, enlightenment struggles, yada yada...It's a source of amusement. Since this is a topic that reoccurs often in this forum and is very contentious, I don't plan on a lot of follow-ups myself. Just a personal observation, take it for what it cost you. Regards, Jim
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suzieque
10 years ago
I'm not sure why you are saying this is about religion and questioning people's thoughts about it. As I read your post, at least the top half of it, I thought you were going to ask opinions about how to deal with your husband's family and their intrusion into your life.

But you didn't ask that - you asked for comments about religion. I'm not going to do that, as I hope this thread doesn't turn into a debate about religion. It sounds as though you just want people to come on and agree with you, bashing them. I'm not interested in bashing them or bashing religion.

My advice, although this isn't what you asked, is that, if you object so strongly to these people and how they live, don't interact with them. You said it's all or nothing with them, so perhaps it has to be nothing.
domino123
Original Author
10 years ago
For those with pathetic lives, please continue.

This post was edited by dominoswrath on Sat, Nov 23, 13 at 18:19
emma
10 years ago
Hey domino, you are entitled to express your opinion. A person can get told off/bashed in here at the most innocent comment. If I were in your situation I would move far, far away to another galaxy if possible. It is expensive and you have to quit good jobs, but it would be worth it to me to save my marriage and my sanity. I don't remember you mentioning children, if you do or plan to, I would move for their benefit. I come from a critical family who are always trying to save my health or my soul. I feel I am a good person without their advice. If there is a God then one day we will all stand before him, I think my sister will be detained at the gate for a good lecture instead of sitting on His right hand as she expects.
suzieque
10 years ago
You yourself titled the thread as "Has to do with religion".

I didn't bash you.

Stop insulting people. I'm getting a good view into your idea of Christianity. It's not good.

In other words, pot, meet kettle.

This post was edited by suzieque on Wed, Oct 16, 13 at 9:57
rrah
10 years ago
So how does this affect your marriage? Are you simply looking for support of your views?

How is your bashing of your spouse's family any different than their bashing of you or others? Is that Christian?

BTW--as some one that has experienced symptoms of PTSD and true hyper-vigilance, what you describe is not even close to PTSD or hyper-vigilance. PTSD is not passed down from generation to generation. It is the result of a traumatic experience that is perceived to be life-threatening.
readinglady
10 years ago
What is your husband's attitude towards his family's attempts at control? If he has your back, then this may be irritating but on a day-to-day basis irrelevant.

On the other hand, if he shares their values I can see that would be a real problem. I noticed you did mention marriage counseling.
domino123
Original Author
10 years ago
educated vs. non-educated

This post was edited by dominoswrath on Sat, Nov 23, 13 at 18:23
domino123
Original Author
10 years ago
Revisit forum rules

This post was edited by dominoswrath on Sat, Nov 23, 13 at 18:24
domino123
Original Author
10 years ago
Thank you Emma for being civil. I appreciate your
Response.
suzieque
10 years ago
From this thread, and the multiple old posts you've resurrected, it seems that you're bored and looking to interact with people. That's fine; I'm sorry to have interrupted that with an opinion.

I certainly do hope that you work things out. Seems that you just wanted company to banter with. I'm not playing your game and frankly don't see where you've posted any issue that you're asking for help with, so I'm out. My best wishes to you.
domino123
Original Author
10 years ago
Examples of condescension

This post was edited by dominoswrath on Sat, Nov 23, 13 at 18:27
domino123
Original Author
10 years ago
as per Wikipedia:

Scapegoating: (from the verb "to scapegoat") is the practice of singling out any party for unmerited negative treatment or blame as a scapegoat.

Narcissistic personality traits:

Externalizing the blame
Scapegoating
Fault finding
Believing that you're better than others
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
attempting to alienate people
self contradictory
critical of others
contemptuous
The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves.

The fundamental problem here is that narcissists lack empathy.

They don't understand the meaning of what people say and they don't grasp the meaning of the written word either

etc., etc., etc.
popi_gw
10 years ago
You could spend your whole marriage analysing your in-laws, as you seem to have, so far.

I know how frustrating it is trying to get on with people who are not like you, and "fighting" it all the way.

The reality is - you can control what you think -

Perhaps you and hubbie should move away, and start a new life. Those people are never going to change, it will drive you nuts becoming obsessed with what they do, and how morally wrong they are.

Does it really matter -

I say - forge your own life, focus on being compassionate, and loving and caring about other human beings, and let go of all the aggravation you have bottled up.

Good luck.
mkroopy
10 years ago
Staying out of this cat-fight...but I agree with suzieQ on one thing, regarding the " multiple old posts you've [OP] resurrected"

I check this board once or twice a day to break up my long work day...I can't stand when I see about 5-10 posts replied to within a few minuyes of each other (usually around 2 in the morning...wonder if any alcohol was involved...lol), it's always one person chiming in to every post they read....very annoying!

JMHO.... ÃÂ©(ÃÂ¡Ã Â¹ÂÃÂ¯ÃÂ¡Ã Â¹Â)ÃÂ¶
domino123
Original Author
10 years ago
Anyone else want to share how to be condescending towards others?

This post was edited by dominoswrath on Sat, Nov 23, 13 at 18:29
peytonroad
10 years ago
Many people simply don't want a walk with Christ (Tree of Llife) They prefer mans way (Tree of knowledge of good and evil).

Your mom-in-law seems so set on doing the right Christian thing that she can't see Christ and is proceeding to do it her way(the churches/tradition/ritual-all unscriptural). It appears your husband was raised this way as well. Christ is not right or wrong but the way, the truth, and Life. All of us called by the Father must be still and listen for him to talk to us/teach us thru the Holy Spirit. Best thing is to seek God with all of your heart! We don't understand all the negativity/tribulation that comes our way but by faith we can recognize that there is a hope ahead of us. This hope is Christ in you! He will fix this fallen Adamic world and soon we all will eat of the Tree of Life!
mkroopy
10 years ago
Wow domino, thin skin or what? Jeez....all I did was say it was sort of annoying. Man, to fire back like that...holy sh*t you would think I called you a child molester or something...

For the record, I am a part owner of a software firm....there are maybe 10 people in my office, and the work culture that has been established over the 17 years I have been involved is essentially "there is no socializing"...that was established by the principal partner who is an incredibly respected and accomplished man. Sorry, but I do not have a "water cooler" or "teacher's lounge" to go to. So popping on GW a couple times a day for a few minutes is a welcome break from the monotony of programming financial software. Yes, it is monotonous, but it pays very, very well and I have total flexibility in my hours to never have to miss my kid's stuff, go fishing, go golfing and play tennis at the country club I belong to (yes, I actually do interact with real people in my "boring and un-fulfilling life"..imagine that), etc.....so while not the most exciting job, there are benefits as well.

And as someone who has a) been through a divorce, and b) essentially living the "step-family" life with my long time GF, I have found over the years i have learned a lot on these forums, and also possibly helped out others with some advice. Most people on these two boards, particularly the step-families one, will vouch for me that I am an active contributor and not someone looking to toss around insults and start wars. Well, except for Sylvia...we never agree on anything...lol.

"Researching"...really, is that what I did? I sign on, see about 5-6 posts replied to at 2am and look at one or two that I might have been following, and see your name. I hardly call that "researching".

Oh, and do we really need to go the "get a life" and "living vicariously thru others" route or whatever you said? Please...that is the oldest comeback on the net. Clearly you like to write and have ample time on your hands, so I would figure you would have come up with something better than that.

At first I could not believe you took the time to type that long rant because I said I found it "annoying" that people go blast-responding to many posts in one session, but after reading this entire thread, I can see the defensive posture you took to everyone else that had any opinion on what you wrote, so I guess I had I read this entire thread in advance I should have seen it coming. Oh man and boy do you love to use that GET A LIFE comeback.....to everyone....a little deflecting perhaps?

OK, my imaginary kids are off to their imaginary schools, so off to my boring job where I have no one to talk to, then I guess I will lock myself in all night play video games with strangers...then maybe hit up a Star-Trek convention or something this weekend...enjoy!

This post was edited by mkroopy on Fri, Oct 18, 13 at 8:13
emma
10 years ago
Thank you Mkroopy for my morning smile. I have been a little down and it is nice to smile again.
rrah
10 years ago
OP--I will repeat this again--the behavior of you in-laws in NOT hyper-vigilance. It's the behavior of opinionated people. Why do I even care that you understand it? Because I know from first hand experience and incorrect definitions and understanding minimize the difficulties of those that do actually suffer with PTSD.
amyfiddler
10 years ago
So how is your counselling going? What does your therapist tell you your part in the conflict is?

And yes, people can be religiously obnoxious. Some of the finest people I have known though are deeply religious.

Are you asking any questions here about your marriage?
amyfiddler
10 years ago
now that Im thinking....
you should print this thread for your counselor. they love that kind of concrete input. Help him or her see what you are really made of, your integrity in the face of adversity as demonstrated here, your strength and character amid rampant Narcissism. this will surely bring clarity to what you are dealing with.
mkroopy
10 years ago
"you should print this thread for your counselor"

Amy that is a great idea...I never would have thought of that but I think a counselor would get more from reading this thread about the thought process of the OP than several (expensive) counseling sessions. It also will help to he how defensive and combative they become when confronted.
nancylouise5me
10 years ago
dominoswrath, did you know that your then BF and his family were like this while you were dating? That they were judgmental and un-christian? If you did, then why marry the guy. That type of behavior is hard to hide. A leopard doesn't change its' spots. What does your husband say when you tell him that his family is to involved in your life and they should stop. Is he supportive in your plan to have them stop being so intrusive?
Just trying to understand why you would let these people ruin your marriage and the way you choose to live your life? I have to say I would probably have not married a person like your husband. I would be constantly telling the in-laws to mind their own business and if they couldn't they would not be welcome in my home. But then again it should be your husband that is the one dealing with them and this problem. If it upsets you this much, he should have your back and put a stop to it. Maybe moving away is a good idea. NancyLouise
emma
10 years ago
It should be her husband but if he doesn't she will have to do it or leave. I really don't see she that she has anything to loose by telling them.

There is usually a weaker one in a marriage and it seems to be him.

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