Remodeling home is hard on marriage

12 years ago

We just bought a house and there is a lot to be done. The problem is, hubby is always taking shortcuts. Noticeable ones. Every time I hear him exclaim, "well, I guess that's good enough" I shudder because I know that means it looks like crap. He is able to convince himself that things look good when they don't and it drives me crazy. I try to tell him as nicely as possible but he always thinks I'm trying to bring him down. He also doesn't like to research things, and gets upset when I do- he says I should "trust him." Do I really have to just let some things look shabby to spare his feelings? He is always so proud of himself and I hate being the bad guy, but at the same time I can't stand things looking so badly done. Thoughts?

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Comments (14)

popi_gw
12 years ago
I think this is one of those negotiation things. You really have to sit down and calmly work out a plan that is attractive to both of you.

I have "suffered" like you and I know exactly what to avoid now. Never again will I build a house, without very strict agreements about what is going to happen ! I guess, for me, I have not resolved issues like yours, I just avoid them. Which is not very good, but then again maybe it is just a difference in personalities.

Yep, your DH sounds like mine ! They see it as criticism when you are just trying to help, or offer assistance.

Deep down I think it could be that they are not happy with the job they are doing, but are trying to save face !

That's my thoughts.
mkroopy
12 years ago
LOL I should have married you instead of my ex! When I was married, I was always the one stressed about making all the home improvements perfect (we bought a 150 year old farmhouse that needed lots of work)...she was always like "it doesn't have to be perfect....come spend time with me and the kids".

Since my marriage fell apart and I see how I f*cked up...I've changed so much. I once again bought a 150 year old house, because I love old homes, but now, I will get the work done when it happens....any time i can spend time with my kids, I will always spend the time with them, as opposed to spending the day working on the house.

Relax...no one ever layed on their death bed and wished "I wish I had a more perfect house"...while plenty of people wish they could have a redo on personal relationships.
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silversword
12 years ago
Oh gosh!!!

I think sometimes both "good enough" and "could be better" are big indicators of personality.

My DH wants everything overbuilt. If an earthquake hits our deck is going to be the only thing standing. Why use a 2x4 if a 6x6 will fit?

That said, he does good work. And the times I said "good enough" I regret.

So you can think "at least he's working on the house" or not. You can learn to do things too, so you can make suggestions. That's what I did. We work on the house together, and DD helps too.

Are the issues structural or cosmetic? DH had a friend replace our doors and he did our trim crooked. Thank goodness we have new doors, lol, cause now I can look at the crooked trim until it becomes a priority again. DH got the memo on that one.

I have no real advice, but feel free to vent away!!
tracystoke
12 years ago
I would just be honest,if its crap tell him,my ex was a builder, but was terrible in the house,he used to start jobs but never finished them,he would knock walls through, but leave it unfinished.I lived in my eyes a crap hole,he would put skirting boards on with big gaps,tiles down ,not grouted,buy doors that never got hung,bought a conservety,pattio doors,that sat in the garden rotting,still there lol.I started to do the jobs myself,he hated it,the fact that a woman was doing a better job than him,and beleive me we can.so either do it yourself or just be honest and tell him its crap ,or the mess will get you down,its easy for mkroopy to say relax,I agree with what he is saying,but us women cant just do that
ynnej
Original Author
12 years ago
Mkroopy, you are right. No one lies on their death bed wishing their house had looked better. And yet it is just so hard! And I am helping, in fact I've been doing most of the work. That's why it's so frustrating. I work so hard and then he comes in for his little part and destroys the work I've done. I painted our front door and he comes in to put the door knocker in and somehow drills two holes straight through it. Stuff like that. Such is life.
silversword
12 years ago
haha ynnej, I have holes in my guest bathroom vanity. Supposedly wood glue will fix it. Or wood filler...
deborah_ps
12 years ago
My DH seems to be the same way...ugh, I know your frustration, feel your pain :)
Years ago I watched him "build" a sitting box that was to hold all of the NEW hot tub paraphernalia & seat people. He "builds" it situated front and center to the whole patio no less.... It was full of nails hammered in willy nilly with no thought to not only the added weight but how gawd awful it appeared and with left over 2x4's from a decking project to boot. Of course my unsolicited advice was not appreciated :)Lol! So, I leave him to his project.

As I'm watching from the upstairs window, wringing my hands at how horrid the whole shebang was "coming" together and knowing he'd be calling me down to strut and preen over his "handiwork", I knew there was just no way I could give him the "atta boy" he'd worked so hard for....no way.

When he finally called me down to show me the damned monstrosity (that still needed a "lid", you know the part where the people were to sit on?) I, in my nicest voice I could muster said to him "Honey, I know how to sew, but that doesn't make me a tailor...what would you say to me if I made you a business suit and expected you to wear it?"
Nuf said :D
asolo
12 years ago
"Honey, I know how to sew, but that doesn't make me a tailor...what would you say to me if I made you a business suit and expected you to wear it?"

That is a truly wonderful line. Consider it stolen....burned into my memory banks to pull out when nothing else works. Well done!
ynnej
Original Author
12 years ago
I actually really like where this thread is going... keep the stories coming! Men, you, too!
deborah_ps
12 years ago
LOL Aslo :)

I came from a family of do it yourselfers...if it couldn't be fixed well, there wasn't such a thing.
My DH family most likely paid an electrician to put in light bulbs: Our daughter and myself used to throw our jeans in the dryer to get the wrinkles out...drove him nuts!
I came home from work one day with him huffing and puffing with the ole I told you so stance, saying how he'd ordered a new dryer because ours was a goner. I'd asked "well what sound did it make"? He says "nothing, no sound". I said usually when somethings going to die, it makes some sort of cranky sound. "Well it didn't".
Okay.
Of course I had to try it out for myself :) Sure enough, no sound. Hmmm, odd. Oh, I see the problem...it's not plugged in :)
Oh my, after 30 years I have some grinners for sure :D
phoggie
12 years ago
Oh my.....I get to tired of hearing "It's good enough!"...good enough for who?....certainly not me!
He just is not a person who looks at details. We can go someplace and when we leave, I'll ask something like "How
did you like the color of their kitchen walls?" and of course, he'll say, "I didn't even notice".
nan_nc
12 years ago
Boy, can I relate to this one! Countless arguments have come from the "good enough" or "can't see it from the bedroom" statements.
pekemom
12 years ago
Luckliy for me when we had a new house built on a acre we
owned my husband didn't want to make decisions saying
I would be better at picking colors etc. So I picked the tile,
carpet, roof, house color (stucco) countertops & cabinets
(there were only 3 choices that were basic). Our only upgrades
were big tiles instead of vinyl, 2 master bath sinks instead of 1,
rolled formica edging and walled off area of the crawl space in the basement.
We've been here 6 years and really like the way this house turned out.
domino123
12 years ago
I think it's a guy thing. They want to believe that everything they do is good enough, when sometimes it just isn't. Rather than admit that they can't do something like a professional, they want us to be satisfied. My husband is the same way, and remodeling a fixer upper is difficult on a marriage when two people have different expectations.

Try adding to that a nagging overbearing family of in-laws and you're in for a real treat. Count your blessings. LOL.

Remodeling home is hard on marriage

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