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husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Posted by cheesecurlgurl (My Page) on
Tue, Oct 14, 08 at 18:58

We are in our 40's.Both of us in good shape.We are like best friends,inseperable.We talk all the time; laugh all the time.We don't have the problems that we see other couples having. Now , here's the problem: My husband no longer wants to have sex with me. I has dwindled down to once a month. He won't touch me or put his mouth on me anywhere.He doesn't look at me when I undress. I can't figure it out. We have a business together, so I know where he is all day (with me). I thought he must be having an affair, but if he is not with me, he is with the kids. So there is no time. I asked if it was a physical problem.He said no. Loss of desire ? No. Too much porn? He said he doesn't look at any anymore. When pressed for an honest answer, he said my butt is too big now and it turns him off. I have put on weight, but I was so small before. Now I am 35-28-38 and I like it.I am also very active and have worked out every day for the past 35 years! Can being a size 4 be that much of a turn off? This has been going on for two years!!!! Can someone give me some insight? Thanks.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I'm no man, but here's a thought.

A post on another thread indicates that you may have some sexual fantasies that do not match your husband's.

Is it possible that this might be a source of contention, resentment?

Is it possible for a size 4 butt to be a turn off? Sure. But without question, that feeling is rooted somewhere else. You're arse is just a distraction from the real problem - which he may not necessarily be in tune with. It's much easier to focus on physical feature excuses. You have to make it a safe place for him to explore his issues, otherwise he will keep those hidden from you and perhaps even himself.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I think cheesecurl's comment on the other thread was probably more based on the fact that she's not getting any when she wants to, more then she really has some warped sexual fantasies that don't match her husbands. What's the saying... Sex really isn't all that important, unless you're not getting any, and then it seems to become everything.

Obvioulsy, I'm not a guy either, but there aren't a lot here so you may be waiting for a while for their comments.
There's a couple things that stick out to me. First, it's great that you are friends but it sounds like maybe you've fallen into that brother/sister friendship mode. Have you considered trying to make him a little jealous? Let him know other guys are noticing you. Buy some outfits a little too revealing. Go out without telling him exactly where you're going or who you'll be with, come home late, etc... let his mind wonder.

I don't really think it has much to do with your behind. For guys that may not know, a size 4 is pretty darn small. ...like smaller than some skinny models. Another thing that jumps out is the no porn comment. Ok, maybe your guy really does tell you the truth about his porn habits. Well, then, why isn't he checking out girls with great asses there? It sounds like maybe his desire is off even if he doesn't want to admit it.

And, I hate, hate to say this, (good sounding relationship and all), but could there be someone else? Could he be getting it elsewhere? I can't imagine any guy telling his wife he doesn't like her behind unless it really is a nicer thing to say than the actual truth. --- "I'm screwing my secretary so I'm not in the mood... hum, maybe I should just go with..."your ass looks flabby, dear, and it's just not doing much for me" --- I mean how many guys have acutal told a woman something that negative about her body especially considering the fact that this poster's measurements are very, very decent.

There's a lot more to this story than he's letting on. Maybe he's not even aware of what the problem is. Maybe he lost his libido and he's pushing the blame onto you. Obviously something has to be done. You can't continue on like this forever; have you guys considered counseling? I too am interested to see what the guys have to say.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

You are right about the brother/sister mode. I feel as though I live with my best, platonic friend. It is so nice ,but there is nothing physical. I feel that because of the nature of our relationship,neither one of us wants to ask for a divorce.Why leave? It's perfect. My husband has always been extremely jealous,but now he does not care if guys look at me,talk to me. I am not trying to make him jealous. It doesn't seem possible,now. I have also tried looking at porn myself and showing him,but he's not interested. I thought it had to be another woman. But ,when? There's really no time for him to be carrying on with someone else. Perhaps he's finding the time.I ask him about that and he always gets angry that I am accusing him of something he's not doing.He was angry that someone was feeding me false information about him, I have been with him so long, I honestly believe he is NOT having an affair.You can kind of sense those things, you know? I just wish I knew what it was. We have always been the strolling-through-the-mall-holding-hands type, and now I am lucky to get a peck on the cheek. Maybe we should just have the divorce talk.Maybe that will force his hand. Thank you for the input,both of you.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Perhaps the problem is simply too much togetherness. You are together all the time, and maybe that in itself has ruined his desire for you. Another possibility could be if you have any type of a controlling personality, or strong type A. I was listening to psychologist talk about how that can turn off some men.

And last, could be if he is using porn to meet his needs, and really doesn't want or need you in that way. A man on the radio yesterday wrote a book about this very problem in his own marriage. The book is titled: Porn Nation. I imagine it is worth taking a look at the book, and may help you both understand this. I was in and out of the car, so I did not hear the whole interview, but as the guy described his own use of porn, I imagined a lot of people could probably relate to what he had to say.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Some prescription medications can lower one's libido. You might check into that. He could also have his testosterone levels checked. I also agree with the too much togetherness theory.

Please post back and let us know if you find a solution. I'm also married to my best friend and we haven't had sex in over 2 years.

Kalahari


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I read the other post too. Could it be that the fantasy's and what you are into he no longer finds OK? Could it now be a major turnoff for him, and he no longer wants any part of it? Perhaps he went along with it in his youth, and pre-kids, but now perhaps he feels different about it. Could it be hard for him to see the mother of his children into what ever it is you fantasize about?

And yet you have children together, to raise, and a business and all the responsibilities that go along with both the family and business. For both of you, you would have everything to lose if not together.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Hi,Bnice. Two years!!! My gosh! See. I am afraid that is where my marriage is headed. I tried talking to him last night (as he kept trying to walk away and avoid all eye contact) and he said ,unconvincingly,that the problem wasn't my weight. But he did let me snuggle up to him and kiss him without pushing me away and he actually copped a feel!!!!! Woooo!!! He says he is just tired from working so much. We'll see. Did you ever consider divorce? I can live without the sex, but there has to be some physical affection. It embarrasses me to think me husband is turned off by me, As far as the togetherness theory,that is his doing.He wants us always to be together because he misses me,he says.He no longer sees his friends and rarely sees family. But we both love our time alone and we give each other space.Not too often, though! And as far as my fantasies, I am an open person,but I am not pushy. I am more like, "If you are ever into doing such-and-such, I am willing to do that." And that is it. I just like to leave the door open for discussion. And he is not on medications.Or drugs.I don't know about the testoterone. i think I will let that drop because he said the problem wasn't a loss of desire or impotence.I guess I will only know if he opens up and tells me. You know, men would be much happier if they would open up their darn mouths and talk to their women.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

There have been articles written, and I imagine it is fairly common that people lose interest when they are working hard, and are tired. I imagine the stress of those whose companies are down sizing (or small businesses struggling) can also have an impact in this area. There is so much pressure on people today. From work problems, to economic, to home work hassles, to teen issues, to aging parents, or divorce and all of those issues, to laundry up to your knees. I imagine it is having its impact in this area as well.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

"... he said the problem wasn't a loss of desire or impotence."

Rather a contradiction, I'd say.

"...men would be much happier if they would open up their darn mouths and talk..."

Yup. Women, too.

Something's going on. Talk would be swell about now. Hopefully followed by action.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

"He no longer sees his friends and rarely sees family"

This is rather curious. Sometimes I think it is difficult go get yourself out of a rut, life is tough. If he is pushing away friends, family and you..then sounds like depression to me. These social contacts with other people are important for our well being.

What joy do you have in your lives ?

I haven't read all the posts so I appologise if you you have already touched on this.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Please have him see a doctor about depression. You described the relationship between me and my husband. We had fallen into the brother/sister thing. He was tired, not in the mood etc. It's all signs of depression. I'm afraid its too late for us. My husband asked for a divorce last month because he feels like we have become roommates. He loves me but isn't in love with me. I wish I had seen the signs of depression early and pushed him to go to a doctor.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I don't understand how this can be depression. I have read this over and over in this forum. My husband is very jovial. we are always laughing and carrying on. i know depression isn't the same as being sad,because I have had bouts of it all my life and I know I have no personality when i am going through it. He is not sitting around lifeless, he is totally normal. He just doesn't want sex.
Is there such a thing as a happy,depressed person?


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

It doesn't really sound like depression to me, but it's worth considering.

So, here's what you have:

He said he hasn't lost interest (maybe guys can speak to this... but even if he's not finding you great looking, if he's got the desire, I would think he's going to want to do something form time to time... you can't be totally grossing him out). I really think you need to push this desire thing. If he were tired, stressed (or depressed) as some suggested, desire would fade and that would be the problem to fix. He's saying that's not the case. He's (we think) not using porn. So, how is he being satisfied? I'd come right out and ask him.

I still wouldn't rule out an emotional affair (I know he's always with the kids, but what if it's with a soccer mom or the woman who delivers his mail at work?) Someone or something is making him lose his desire for you personally. He doesn't despise or hate you, you're not fighting, I'm sure you're fine looking... what else could it be? What would make you not want your husband? Think about it.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Guess what. I was online and I clicked on an icon to see what it was (new computer) and found all the files. So I started opening them up and found porn sites and saved photos of celebrities in bikinis,etc. There was a long list and I get to the bottom and open a file that was just created and it was gay porn. I guess he is gay? I never would have thought that. I'm bi and I just don't see it in him. It was hard core stuff, not just photos of men.
The funny thing is, he has been more affectionate lately. No sex, but pulling me in for a hug here and there.
I don't know what to do. I don't have money for a lawyer.
I just want to thank everybody for helping me ,though. It is nice to have people to talk to.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Well, there you go. Someone usually comes up with the 'maybe he's gay' idea but I guess we got side tracted with his comment about your behind. Is there a chance he's bi too? Do you think he is having an affair with someone? Let us know what he says when you confront him with everything. Are you consdiering staying with him anyway because of the kids or what? I would certainly think you could come up with enought money to divorce him if you really wanted to. Sounds like you're not too set on wanting to leave him. Let us know how it goes down....


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

First of all I have E/D and my performance is zip hadn't had sex in about 25 years. After 40 years of marriage I find my wife unappealing and very boring. She weighs about 140 5'6" tall and god I don't even want to see her naked. I almost want to throw up when she wanders around naked.
She was always terrible in bed. Like get this over with. So after the E/D thing it was a good time to just not have sex any more.
I've been happy without it.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Wow Matt. I'm 5'3" and 135. And let me tell you, I've never had a guy complain about my weight. I'm married, I've had a child and still get propositioned often.

Ever wonder if the reason she was acting as if "get this over with" is because you were lousy in bed and not all that good looking either?


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RE: People are strange...

Or maybe Matt and Amy are the same person??? This is from the maxed out thread:

"Posted by Amy (cvett84@yahoo.com) on Tue, Dec 14, 10 at 12:52

My husband has had E/D for about 25 years and has other medical issues for which he takes meds. 25 years is a long time without sex. He totally enjoys being without sex or any intimacy at all. I use to nag him and cry out of frustration but in my heart I knew that wouldn't work. I finally decided to take my life in my hands and create a group of friends whom I enjoy being with. This group consists of married couples, unmarried men and women. I some how let myself get involved with another women and the sex was great and also other men, three somes and more. I'm really enjoying the sexual freedom. I think my husband knows whats going on but he doesn't say anything about it.
Maybe I sound like a slut but I'm a very sexual person and all this sex has made me feel like a real person again. I'm still legally married to my husband but have alot of sex on the side."


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

what is ED


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Oh, hell, tracystoke! Erectile Dysfuntion. What he's saying is he either can't get hard or can't stay hard long enough.

Do you read?


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Irritated much Asolo?


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

no i dont read and havnt read the other posts.But you obviously know alot about it.LOL


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Yeah, that was too much. Sorry, all. I apologize, tracystoke.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

appoligy accepted,obviously a very touchy subject,


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Subject not "touchy" at all. Actually, so highly publicized for more than a decade since the introduction of Viagra, I was astonished to encounter anyone who didn't know what it was. Still, my post was boorish and inappropriate. The apology stands. Thanks for letting me off the hook.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

ok,merry christmas.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Married 40+ years and I don't want any thing from my wife, No sex, intimacy or love. She is free to do what she likes. I on the other hand don't like being touched by my wife or anyone else. I even don't go any where where I know thre will be a crowd. I shake and sweat when touched. I really think its great not having sex, when we had sex years ago like 27 or so years it was boring, to much effort with little reward a real waste of time. Wife on the other hand likes sex, and she feels lonely, unwanted and depressed. But Prozac fixed her . I only want her as a friend and not a wife.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Gee you're a bundle of joy, Mike.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Prozac "fixed" her?

WOW.

Some "friend" you are.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Troll. Mark, Mike, whomever.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I've been married now for 18 yrs and ever since the I do's sex has been at a bare minimum. Our longest spell has been 2yrs without sex,but its usually 16months. Everytime we do have sex he only wants anal. I really think he's gay,and when I've approached the subject he gets really angry and lashes out at gays.he also prefers to masterbate,he's never gone down on me and if we didn't have sex itd be fine with him. Its sad cuz I thought we cud grow old in love together. Sometimes I get so horney I wish I had the guts to cheat on him! What do I do?


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

"What do I do?"

If you haven't figured that out in 18 years, I doubt you will now. Thinking there must be something good about him if you're still there. Is there?


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

"What do I do?"

Cancel your engagement and wedding plans to begin with. Then either work on the rest, if you want to, or move on. Do NOT expect him to change. Do NOT get it in your head that your ministrations will "bring him back." I'm sure he's a fine fellow. I doubt that covers the ground for you.

For some women, this would be no big deal. From what you wrote, you appear to be a normal, healthy young woman for whom this condition would not be acceptable in a spouse.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I'm a female in the same situation and I am very frustrated. My husband only wants sex about once a month maybe twice if I am lucky but then it is so quick and over before it began that I still never get satisfied. I hate it and have been thinking of cheating to get satisfied but I have deep guilt feelings to deal with.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

And how would you feel if your husband wrote that post, MPatt? If he got on here and said that you don't have sex with him often enough and when you do it's not good, so he is going to cheat? How would you react?

Would you say "why didn't he talk to me about this", or "I didn't realize it was that bad" or what? Would you be angry with him for attempting to solve the problem, or at least get his jollies, by seeing someone else behind your back?

Your guilt is telling you something.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I am a woman but I am fairly insightful. I realize the posts are old, but maybe this will help someone. I am really curious to know how it all turned out for cheesecurlgirl.
When a man doesn't live up to the typical standard of wanting sex all the time he feels like less of a man. When you ask a man "why don't you want sex?" its like you just kicked him in the crotch. Therefore he will usually get defensive, and probably insult you in someway to even the score. So, the butt comment was not true. If you are a man filled with sexual desire, and you don't like your woman's butt, you dont give up sex! you encourage positions that create the view you want!
He is at an age where testosterone drops and libido changes, that could give him anxiety which further brings down libido. Encouraging him to go get his hormones checked (based on a symptom besides libido) isn't a bad idea!
If you are in this situation, where he isn't interested, and you are: don't bring up the past or the shortcomings at all. Instead try asking him if he has any unfulfilled fantasies, or something of that nature.
You do need to spend some time apart, or you start to take each other for granted.
As for the gay porn, well that could be: plain curiosity and he didn't mean to save it, an accidental download he got interrupted during and didn't
open the folder yet, or maybe he is gay/bi/bi-curious.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

To Mpatt
I think it's good you are reaching out instead of just going out and having an affair. I don't think anyone should criticize you for that post!
I think you should go pick up a cosmo magazine or get a subscription, they have tons of good ideas to spice it up every month. The one thing they always say, and I agree, is that the best way to let a man know how to please you is to show him, and a lot of men really enjoy watching a woman...go solo! This isn't something you discuss beforehand, the next time you are about to have sex gently push him back and say "watch" with an evil grin :) then show him. That means you do have to go solo before you do this. Toys are optional. The benefit to this technique is you get satisfied before he gets to start! And, after you are ...satisfied once, the second time comes faster...and the third....etc.
If you are totally uncomfortable with that, then that does bring up other issues that might be effecting things. But if that's the case
Get a DVD or find online some porn that really displays what you want/fantasize about. Then just say "I have a surprise for you tonight!" and put it on. Watch it together and point out things you like with small comments like "that turns me on!" or "that is so hot!" you can ask "do you ever fantasize about...." Remember men are visual he will be focused on the show so keep it short,
DO NOT say "why dont you..." or "you never...." Be very careful not to criticize him or threaten his manhood.
If he looks at porn alone sneak a peek and see what he likes, maybe you can create a live version of a fantasy of his.
As women we always want to talk about things, this is the one time I think we should ignore that urge! Talking about this issue makes it worse 99.9% of the time. This is an action situation. I will check back, and offer more suggestions if you want. If you want someone to talk to about this I will email you if your email is private (not shared with husband) just post here if you want me to email you. I don't check the account listed on this post, I would email you from a different account, if you want me to.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

To Hello - I'm not knocking your post, but I'm wondering if you are a woman as you claim (You said "As women we always want to talk about things"). Yet your email address, clearly shown above your post, seems to indicate otherwise.

You offer to correspond with MPatt via email. I question your motives if, in fact, you are a man, which I believe you are. In my opinion no woman would ever use an email address like that. Yet you offer to discuss intricate sexual activities via email with MPatt.

Remember folks - err on the side of caution. The internet is a wonderful thing but can be slimy and dangerous if you're not cautious.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

How would the email address "Just.my.junk@live.com" be indicative that it's a man? Clearly it's an email set up for misc. internet stuff so the person's main email address does not get flooded by junk mail. I have one on Yahoo...so my work email doesn't get on too many spam lists.

I read Hello's post and thought "wow this could have been written by my girlfriend"...she is open about all kinds of stuff and always looking to spice things up a bit. Don't assume because someone is sexually open and experimental and likes porn, they must be a guy. My GF and me are about 75 miles apart and really only see each other on the weekends because of work, our kids, etc., and i can tell you sometimes when I call her at night and say "what ya doing?" she will come right out and say "surfing porn" - LOL! I love how she does not feel she has to repress this side of her.!


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

You may be right, mkroopy, that I assumed the wrong thing from the email address.

My (perhaps erroneous) assumption had nothing to do with the sexual openness or appetite for porn.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I have been married 20 years. Lack of sex has been an issue since before we were married. After 20 we have sex once a year, once every 18 months and so on. Am I dumb? My husband is super attached to his family, to the point that he disses me when it is a choice between me and them. I have thought in the past he might be gay, but he would never ever admit it. Way too Catholic. Help!!


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

"Am I dumb?"

Reconsider what you wrote and come back and tell us what you think. Issue before marriage....but you married anyway. Issue for 20 years during marriage....but you stayed. Issue right now....but you're still there. Plus the family issues. Apparently you've become accustomed. Surely there must be something worthwhile going on.

What would "help" look like to you right now?


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

My husband and I have only been married for 4 months but have been together for 3 years. For about the first 4 months of our relationship sex was great! He was always in the mood. However, he is a bad alcoholic and saids that he just has no desire to have sex as often as I would like. We may have sex once a week and then again it could be more than that. I start feeling like he is not attracted to me and that I'm doing something wrong. Should I be feeling this way. I know that he is not into porn or other women but it still hurts.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

So 3 years ago you had great sex for 4 months. And he's a bad alcoholic. And you married him anyway, 4 months ago.

Why didn't you address this issue 2 years and 8 months ago? And, maybe reconsider marrying a bad alcoholic?

I truly hope that things go well for you, but I don't have a lot of hope for your happiness. Whether you should feel unattractive or that you're doing something wrong isn't, in my opinion, the point. But since it seems to be what you're concerned about, I'd say no, that's not the problem. Try to not feel that it is you and see if you can get to the root of the problem.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

#1 sex killer in a marraige, outside of medical causes, is resentment. Nothing reduces desire more efficiently. Seeking extra-marital relations is secondary. A cheating husband or wife resents their mate first. Ask yourself what could he resent? The stress of owning a business? How much is demanded of his time? The fact that you are always together? Sounds like he needs some time with the guys to remember he's a guy. Putting your energy into something positive will give him space and be good for you as well. Consider counseling. It is good to have a moderater. Maybe, find a male therapist so he doesn't feel outnumbered. It sounds like you spend a lot of time together but are not very close, emotionally.
@merly Life is short and you have already invested a lot of time into your marraige. Allow yourself to think about not being married. Divorce is not a sin. When one spouse withholds sex and affection from another it is a sin against the marraige. It sounds like you would get an annulment fairly easily. Whether your husband gay, I can't say. He may also have been abused and aviods sexual intimacy because of it. After 20 years, though, this should not be your burden. You can be saying the same thing in another 20 years or " remember when."


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I have been marries for nearly 20yrs to a wonderful husband who is a great provider, helper and father. However having had a fantastic sex life before we were married, it eased of slowly but surely over the years. There was always an excuse of being tired, sore, stressed etc etc and promises!! As time went by I began to try all sorts of weird and wonderful things which gave off some sparks but then petered out again. We recently moved to the other side of the world for a better life for us and the kids and we have had sex twice in 3 months.....its always the same way .... I do love my husband but things have stared to become resentful and I feel so angry towards him...it hurts so deeply that I feel that my husband doesn't want me...he tells me he does but he would rather spend time in front of the pc than with me. As our kids are all at school during the day and he works shifts we have more alone time now than ever...I know he still is interested as I catch him looking at porn.
I dont feel that it will ever get better and realise that once the kids are up and away that we will part.Before we left I had met up with an old friend from my schooldays and we realised that we were still deeply attracted to each other and began a very passionate affair...we are still in touch via fb..he is also married and has young kids but like me he plans to stay around until his kids are away...I do feel though that if my husband had shown some interest I never would have gone down this road...its so hard and painful.....but what can I do


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Kendio I do sympathise with you but as a man myself I suspect it is possible he has become pre-occupied with porn or maybe even I regret to say "working girls". The availability and quality of both has increased exponentially in this internet age. Porn is often free and very graphic and bears little resemblance to the grainy soft porn images you may remember from 25 years ago from sex movies of the period. If you have already caught him at it I suspect that is what he is doing. Frankly men often need a shock to the system and I suggest you are completely upfront with him and let him know unless we are able to make this work then the marriage is over. Even if your recent affair for geographical reasons is over for some people "doing without" knaws away at them continuously and it will only be a matter of time before you find another possibly through one of the many married affair websites. So get it out there and see whether the two of you can rekindle the passion.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Would love to know what happened to cheesecurl's marriage, as it has been some years now.

I'm having a similar problem with my "fiance." He simply doesn't want to have any sort of sex ever, and its been 6 months now. A few times I've approached him and just did oral sex and he let me and "finished" but then said it didn't feel right. I moved 4 hours from my home (with my kids) to live with him after we became engaged, supposedly getting married 3 months later (had to get there for the kids to start their new schools to be compliant with my custody legalities). We had been together 8 years at that point. My one child didn't acclimate, made life literally a living hell, and ended up moving back with her dad. My "fiance" was REALLY angry at how that all went down, and now resents me for it. He should have realized that this transition would have been REALLY HARD for a 40-something single mom to do with 2 children (he wasn't willing to move to me due to work constraints). Anyway, now he tells me its "over" and he isn't in love with me anymore, and wants me and my kids to move back. I am SO HURT I can't even tell you -- after a year long custody battle to gain the permission to move, then we move, then my daughter, etc I've been through HELL just to get married and I feel he doesn't appreciate it, and now what?

I don't see any evidence of him cheating; we work together from home every day so we're effectively with each other A LOT. Believe me, I've searched, researched, asked around, etc and find nothing. I do find he's looking at playboy, but that's it. He said his head just isn't on "sex" right now.

Any thoughts?


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I'm confused. Are you married or not? You refer to this man as your "fiance" and say you were "supposedly getting married". So did you, or didn't you?
In any case, frankly it sounds like he's a jerk you're well shed of. Being angry and resentful about your child, and now telling you it's "over" and asking you to leave, is childish to say the least. Certainly not the actions of a caring, loving man. Take him at his word and leave. If you're not actually married, so much the better, there's less to untangle.
I'm curious, if he works from home, why could he not have moved "due to work constraints"?


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Get that people. I have not had sex in a year, and for the last 5 years of my marriage it's happened a hand full of times with me basically raping my dear hubby. Today is our 5th anniversary and where did it takes us? Just as the author of the thread, we are great friends, laugh and have common interests in life, but.. NO SEX at all. I am devistated. I left our child at my friend's house, so we can take our relationship to the new level and have a romantic time together. After a dinner, he came home, put his PJs on and went to watch a TV and fall asleep on the sofa. It's a screaming soul. I need help! I don't want to divorce, I love him dearly and he says he loves me too (talk is cheap). I put on some baby weight which I've been struggling to get rid off. So, now my rounder than before body plus a 16-year age difference are killing his desire.He works a lot, is stressed at work all the time, but people, 5 years in a row?? I am not ugly, guys are hitting on me all the time, but I let my guard on (not a cheater by nature).
I am working on getting back in shape, working out every day, trying to look nice, but he would not even make a compliment to me or show ANY interest when I am undressed. A 2-second kiss is what I've been getting twice a day for 5 years.
I am also suspecting that my quick pregnancy might be the reason. he would not want to use condoms at all and is not willing to sacrifice the pleasure (if you know what I mean).
I have never shared this problem with anyone, and have never used forums to express my shameful situation, but I am at the point of loosing it hard. Please share your thoughts dear men.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Well, I would highly suggest you to follow family purity. What it is, it's a jewish las that doesn't allow the men and woman to even touch each other while she's having her cycle. You can't even undress yourself in front your husband during that time.

Well, although you're most probably not orthodox jewish, but nothing to do with that. If you'll decide with your husband and make a reason why you'd like to do that, to simply not being allowed to touch each other, I mean it literally. If you do that for let's say 3 - 4 weeks, I have no doubt that it will slowly start your husband wanting you especially if he's a reliable husband that won't be looking for other woman.

That's the most successful method to keep a good sexual life for more married couples more then 20 - 30 years in a row. It always keeps it on... I know many people who are observant of that law and you can see the sparkle in their eyes for love after such a long time being together.

When you follow that rule, you all the sudden start realizing that relationship is SO much more then the physical part. You all the sudden reveal a new level of relationship.

Yes, I know it will NOT be easy. But it will be worthed.

Make it a set time that you guys don't touch each other, let' say 3 weeks. You'll still be toghether for everything and continue helpful and caring life between you guys while keeping this no-touching rule.

Everybody would agree that this is the most rewarding effort for a low sexual relationship situation.

Good luck to you


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I will try to answer this question as best I can.
I am a 35 year old male who has little interest in sex.
Things changed for me around the age of 25.

I have no idea why I have no interest in sex. I used to be a sex god. I still find pleasure masturbating or watching porn. Its separate. One is desire the other is just releasing. I do not think a women can understand how impossibly hard this is to address as a male.

The only reason I am following up on this is because my wife divorced me. It has taken me six months of staring in the mirror to admit I have a problem. I have an appointment with the Urologist in two days.

All I can say is to you is that your husbands and BF love you, they are broken and can't face it alone. My wife followed the $hitty advice (Similar to on the internet to leave). We did not discuss it. She insulted me a few times and made me clam up even more.

I would imagine it is the same as a woman finding out she is barren and her husband laughing in her face and divorcing her. How would that make you feel?

To make sure to answer your question, you husband does want sex and he loves you. He can't. After I come back from the doctors I'll let you know if there is a fix. This one is not about you. Don't be an selfish a$$hole, help your spouse.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

So how is your spouse supposed to guess all this "he loves you. He can't" if you won't discuss it or do something about it?


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

For me it was impossible to admit that there was something sexually wrong with me. Why would I? I feel normal.

The posts above are selfish and cruel. From calling him Gay, Immediate Divorce, to crying about their own feelings.

He is the one with the problem. You are the one who should be helping him. Stop all the negative crap and make an appointment at the Urologist today. And support the hell out of him. Don't make it about you. Don't "support" him by threatening to divorce him. Don't tell him he is gay. Why do you even get married if your going to treat this man like crap.

He can't talk about it because it is very difficult to talk about. Talking is a waste of time anyway. Just do it. Make the appointment for him and encourage him to go. Take some resposibility in helping your spouse through a tough spot. Don't demand him to be able to do it alone. Sometimes being a partner means carring more than 50% of the weight.

I hope that answered your question.

And yes I understand it means the ladies have to do the extra mile on this one.

You didn't ask, but I am worried about going tommorow. If the results are bad I may never have a family.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I think your expectations are unrealistic Jose; OP says she asked her husband if anything was wrong and his reply when pressed was "Your (size 4) butt is a turn-off". How cruel is that? So from this she's supposed to infer he needs a urologist's appointment and compel him to attend? How do you compel an adult to attend a doctor's appointment he feels is unnecessary because, as you say, "I feel normal"?
What's wrong with the husband thinking, "My wife is unhappy because I don't want sex. Most men want sex. I'd like to make my wife happy again. Maybe I need help" and doing something about it to please his wife?


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

There is nothing wrong with thinking that. Normally that is a great response. Unfortunatly it is not enough for this issue.

In this case (Which the OP asked for a man to give insight on) the man is the one with a problem and needs help. Good news both problems can be fixed at the same time.

Spouses can compel each other. Everyone is different so there is no one answer, but I am sure the OP can try a few things that have worked before in the past.

I agree "your butt is a turn off" is cruel, but it is a backlash.

I am trying to answer the question of the OP. This is what I believe is happening and how to fix it. Right or Wrong. Its free advice.

To answer the question of "Can being a size 4 be that much of a turn off?"
I would say no. I believe there is an issue with his physical health.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

"Spouses can compel each other"
Oh really? Spouses can urge but not compel, unless the relationship is very unequal. No way can I make _my_ spouse do something he really doesn't want to do.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I agree that urge is a better word than compel. English is my third language please try not to beat me up too badly.

Colleen why are you so headstrong in fighting my advice to the OP? I am the type of person she is asking for insight from? I am not trolling. If you disagree or have better advice please feel free to express it.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Because while I think you have a valid point, I also think you're being simplistic and unrealistic.
OP (who is long gone, it was four years ago) is unhappy in her marriage. She has tried discussing it with her husband but he is not willing to discuss it to the point of being insulting.
So you're telling her she needs to make a giant leap of faith and assume he's somehow "broken" and compel him to see a urologist to get "fixed". What if he won't go? What if that's not the problem? What if he's content to remain "broken" because he doesn't see a problem? What are her options- to remain in what is to her an unhappy relationship and be all supportive in the possibly vain hope that one day things may change? You yourself admit it took your wife to divorce you and six months of staring into the mirror to convince yourself to do something.
And talking isn't a waste of time. I wonder whether your wife might have looked for a different solution to her unhappiness had you been willing to talk. If you don't know what the problem is, you can't fix it.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

big girls are beautiful
did you ever stop to think that the very fact you spend so much time together either at work or home may cause this lack of sex (by the way once a month would be a good thing in my eyes ,my wife allows it once every 3 months) maybe a sex buddy or as simple as booking a hotel room and go out on a date together like you did when you first met and take him upstairs to your hotekl room


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I agree the OP is most likely long gone, but their is other women reading this post so hopefully this helps.

I believe if an appointment was made by the wife and the husband was urged in a positive way he would go. I believe this would fix the issue and prevent divorce or unhappiness for the wife. My wife was very negative towards me and this shameing did not help. Too much talk will most likely cause a backlash in the beginning. (Especially if it is about him being gay, not meeting her needs, or divorce) I recommend taking the direction that this is a health concern for him. It is not normal and most likely is a hormone issue. I believe after he visits a doctor things will change immediately and he will open up to conversation with his wife. I also recommend not making this about the Wife's needs not being met or her happiness. I agree these are very important, but discussing them at this time will drive him further from getting help because he will be on the defensive about being a poor lover and inadequate husband.

****What if he won't go? What if that's not the problem? What if he's content to remain "broken" because he doesn't see a problem?****

It depends on his response, but maybe try getting some help from his father or brother. This is a lot easier to discuss with a positive respected male figure. When I spoke about this with my Father it openned my eyes. Everyone may not have this relationship with their Father, so use your best judgement.

As far as the leap of faith and what are her options. These are some of her options:
Make Appointment and be positive
Get help from His Father/Brother Etc
Give it some time. Buy a vibrator to get some relief.
(Not forever, but many times it takes a while for discussions like this to sink in)

I loved my wife very much and I am sad our marriage did not work out. I wish I could do it again, but I can not. I know we are not the only couple to go through this. I am giving this advice and action items to the wives because they are the ones looking for help.

If there are husbands reading this...Get yourself checked out as soon as possible. Don't wait till your wives are gone. If that is not enough of a reason then do it because you want to feel like a sexgod like when you were 18. Reach back into your memories, don't you want to be like that again?


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From a man's perspective

As a man I know what it's like to have periods of a low sex drive, but I would never blame my wife for it (maybe indirectly, but not the whole thing). I think the reason he gave you is pretty shallow.

There are so many things that come to play here that it's hard to give you a definitive answer but here are some suggestions.

First, you both need to realize that a certain decline in the sex drive for a man after 40 is normal. Society doesn't treat it as normal, but it is. Happens to all men. At some point it will happen. Once you're in your 40's-50's, etc to be like you were at 18 isn't normal. Once a month may be all he's able - but that probably isn't the case. He's probably still able for more sex than that in his 40's (I know I was) but who knows? It could be physical. He might just be tired or maybe even have a health problem.

I think all men have "performance" issues at some level. If a man ever thinks you don't enjoy sex with him it is a HUGE demoralizer. Men are so competitive it's hard for us to think we may not measure up in some way. I'm not saying sex is a competition. I'm saying competition is such an ingrained part of a mans nature that low performance in ANY area makes him feel inadequate. The competitive drive can subconsciously spill over and effect how he feels in any area he thinks he doesn't measure up. Men loathe feeling inadequate. They also hate to admit it. A major way a man deals with feelings of inadequacy is avoidance.

Also, a man needs to know he is respected by his wife and not a disappointment to her (women want to know they are loved, a man wants to know he is respected). Even if a man won't admit it, it's really important to him to be told he's appreciated for the things he does. Nothing gets me in the mood more than when my wife notices the things I do for her and conveys her appreciation throughout the day. When we were younger all I had to do was look at her and I was in the mood. Now, in our 31st year of marriage an emotional element is involved.

You mentioned he isn't into porn anymore. In my opinion he never should have been in the first place. His eyes should be reserved for you, his wife. My wife considers pornography a form of adultery and I agree with her. To fantasize about sex with other women is a selfish form of stimulation. It degrades sex into nothing more than personal gratification (which is also why masturbation is wrong). Sex wasn't intended for a personal pleasure in and of itself. The thrill isn't supposed to be nothing more than a physical act, like an animal. The truest gratification is the shared intimacy between a husband and wife, the LOVE that's being expressed between the two through sex. NOTHING is a greater thrill than that. Until someone has experienced it they have no idea. It's almost a spiritual experience.

If your husband doesn't have physical issues - which very well could be the case - then it's psychological. The only way to discover the truth is through open communication. And open communication isn't going to happen without a great deal of trust. Trust comes or disappears by the way you treat each other 24/7. Not just in the bedroom.

This is not an incurable problem. It will require openness and trust to solve it though, whether it's physical or psychological.

Here is a link that might be useful: Building Intimacy and Trust

This post was edited by Vrs1 on Thu, Jan 24, 13 at 15:16


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From a man's perspective

Sorry, this was accidentally a duplicate so I deleted it ...

This post was edited by Vrs1 on Thu, Jan 24, 13 at 15:20


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I can relate
...... Clueless on what I should even do

This post was edited by afrenchgirl on Mon, Jan 28, 13 at 2:49


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I am looking for an answer afrenchgirl.
Dont believe the psychological BS.
I'll post here when I find an answer. Problem is it has been hard to find a doctor who understands men's health. It is a lot harder than I initially believed.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Was sex with him satisfactory before the drop-off?, or did you ever complain to him about being unfulfilled after sex?

If you complained or implied in any way sex wasn't satisfying to you then my guess is he's dealing with "performance issues".

If a man feels he's not measuring up in the area of sex it can be devastating to his sense of self-worth and he can start worrying over what will happen next time they're in bed? Fear about satisfying his wife can effect him physically (erections) and once that happens it's over, i.e., he'll start avoiding sex because he's afraid of not measuring up.

I had something similar happen years ago when I was thinking my wife and I were having great sex and she was unhappy because she hadn't had an orgasm every time. I'd always heard NO woman has an orgasm every time and told her that. She'd never heard it and expected to have at least one every time.

I felt pressure thinking she expected me to do something that wasn't possible to do (bring her to orgasm every time) and I started feeling fear when I'd think about sex. That effected me physically, and then I started avoiding sex.

This went on for awhile because I also avoided talking about it, so my wife didn't know what was going on.

So I'd recommend you think about what your interaction with each other was like before he started avoiding sex. If it's mental and not physical it should get better once things get out in the open and the two of you can communicate in a non-threatening way and without blaming.

Here is a link that might be useful: Ways to build communication and trust


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Jose. Sounds like you were hurt badly and that completely sucks. I hate that and it's the Truth that is its not just about her... but it is about both him and her. lack of intimacy hurts both and it's embarrassing for both and that makes it more complicated and difficult.. For both. Sometimes there's no solution. Sometimes he won't go to the dr or counseling and would prefer to just not talk about it or pretend its just temporary. Sometimes years of encouraging and support don't work. Sometimes over those years she's wondered what's wrong and gone over the possibilities a million times in her head. She's considered every angle not to be cruel but because she is confused. She wonders what could be wrong with her not just because of the lack of intimacy but the perception that he doesn't mind. She feels she must not measure up if he finds a fantasy sex life more appealing. What do you do when you've lost hope? When you want to love and you feel attraction that is never reciprocated? How do you bring it up without further destroying his confidence or continue to persevere when you've tried so gently to find solutions? How do you protect and respect him and his feelings without completely ignoring your own needs? What if you'd do anything for a solution. If you've given and made the best possible life for him. If you've loved and cared for him and want his happiness so much it compels you to keep giving more? What if your only choice is to accept that this is the way it's going to be because he doesn't want to be seek medical help or has pre-decided there's nothing they can do. It's just that you are not correct to think She can always compel him to get help by just being supportive. I wish with all my heart that were true. I don't have any answers.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Sorry. Double posted...not used to new phone yet :)

This post was edited by Nikalina on Mon, Feb 18, 13 at 1:46


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

@Vrs1 that was a Great response. I know from reading this that althou I
Have tried to "gingerly" address potential issues I feel we r having in our sex life I think I may have failed in my approach. Reading ur post makes me worried I may have really hurt my husbands feelings even thou I tried so very hard to avoid hurting the man I love. I can say as a woman.....it is devestating when u feel u want sex more or hold greater desire to please than ur husband. u hear stories, see on movies, etc that it is "supposed" to be the "other way around". I can only speak for myself....but I take the lack of sex very personal. I wouldnt say I am insecure by any means......but I love to feel wanted by my husband. The passion of him wanting me is almost more fufilling than the orgasm itself. Needless to say.....now that I read your post...looking back....our sex life has become worse since I brought up it bothered me that once he reached orgasm ...sex was over...blah blah blah. like I said...I thought I said it gingerly but I think I hurt his feelings and feel terfible now......like devestated. How do I fix this?? I have never agreed with The old saying "sticks and stones may break my
bones but names can never hurt me.....because for me....words get embedded in the soul and can hurt a lifetime if u let it......
Thanks for ur help in advance :)


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I am sorry to hear about your pain Nikalina you sound like a great wife.

I don't think talking will help this issue(At least for him). He will need to get help from a specialist. You probably did say it gingerly but he knows whats going on.

I wish I could give better advice on a fix. I have been going to specialists for months and its not an easy thing to fix.

I wish I had a chance to fix my marriage like your husband has with you. Best of luck.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

JoseShifter, are you still around? What did your doctor have to say? I have been trying to work through my feelings about similar issues with my husband. Your response is so honest and thoughtful. It reassured me greatly in regard to my own work. I love my husband and I trust that he loves me. I have a hard time understanding how he can separate sexual interest in me from sexual interest in porn, yourt response made more sense to me than anything else I have come across. Thank you! Not being with him, not supporting him is not an option to me. I want to know how to help us both to be happy and content with one another


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

Thank you quickquestion13,

I have seen improvement by taking 2 pills. Clomid and Anastrozole. Your Husband most likely will have different causes so please visit this website:

http://lowt.gy/forum/viewforum.php?id=3

After reading this I felt more comfortable that this is normal and had a plan to move forward. The men on there are very helpful.

I will try to explain the seperation. Imagine you start a pattern at 12 years old and do it every day. At 12 you needed to do it, but over time I lessed that need until it was gone. Would you know to stop? Or would you continue to do it? I think that is half of why a man does it. The other half is more biology and involves releasing and operating. A secondary fuction.

As odd as it sounds the two are not connected at all. I would not have thought so, but that does not make it true.

I am very happy to hear your words and I hope very much that you can repair and grow your love with your husband.

I will continue to check this website from time to time. Please ask any questions and I will be as honest as I can.


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

@ JoseShifter; I'm hoping you are still checking this thread, I really need some good man advice.
I am having the same issues as most of these women. My Man (he's 45 & I'm 42) doesn't seem to be attracted to me at all anymore. When I try to discuss it he gets angry and says I'm accusing him, shuts down completely, or he totally ignores me. His other favorite is, " We have such a good thing you and I, why do you have to over think everything and jump to the conclusion there is something wrong?" I'm at a loss... he used to post me sweet quotes on my Facebook page, he used to tell me I was beautiful...and now he's stopped doing those things all together, they just slowly faded away.
He still tells me he loves me and that nothing has changed about the way he feels, but his actions say different. He will want to have sex (about once a month) and send me hot little pics and texts during the day on his lunch/breaks and he'll come home and about an hour or so after we eat, just before bed, he'll get a headache, or his arms ache, or his back is killing him and I'm left holding the proverbial bag... WTF? I've tried different nights, you know when he is off the next day and he gets a pain...I've tried during week nights and it's "I'm tired...I gotta work tomorrow" I'm so confused and hurt and I can't help but feel rejected, which he gets very angry about because he doesn't think I should feel that way...but how am I supposed to feel? He says it's him, not me. I know it's not E/D because he doesn't have a problem while he sleeps or if he's checking out the airbrushed, touched up ass pics online...
Anyway, like I said, he is still very affectionate and tells me he loves me, we still cuddle and kiss, but the fact he doesn't want to have sex with me makes me wonder. We are very compatible, we don't argue, we are great friends and enjoy being together. I know that seems hard to believe, but it's true. Our relationship seems almost too perfect, if you don't count this "maybe" once a month sex thing. Earlier in our relationship we discussed the fact that his ex wife never wanted to have sex after the kids came and that it hurt him, so if he knows how it feels why is he doing the same thing to me, if he loves me...I just don't get it. I really want to get to the bottom of this, I am crazy, ridiculously in love with this man and I'm pretty sure he feels the same for me, so leaving is not an option...If you could offer some insight I would be so grateful,Thank you! ~Lucretia


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

I've scanned through most of the posts on here. I have to say that my situation is so similar. Our sex life was wonderful for about the first 8 years, the steadily declined. I have tried talking to my husband about this issue and he just shuts down completely. He tells me its not a physical issue but more of a mental one, The last 10 years been terrible. We are down to annual sex. I used to think it doesn't matter, but realize it does. I am 48, and feel like I have wasted the last 10 years. Yes, there is love, respect, and intimacy - just not sexual intimacy. Our youngest child will be graduating from hs next year, and I honestly do not think that we will be married much after that. I want a husband, not a room mate. Having begged for years for him to seek help, and his refusal it just proves to me that this marriage isn't worth saving to either of us,


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

It happens when two people become like one person. Apparently, that's what many couples strive for, but this is also the reason of a loss of sexual desire. You are his friend, his family, his companion, but he no longer treats you as a woman. Have no fear, there are many ways to change the situation!


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RE: husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

@joseShifter thank you for your honest, straightforward responses. You are right about responding to an original thread that is years old. There are other women out here who may benefit from your advice, and I feel I am one of them.


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