husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

15 years ago

We are in our 40's.Both of us in good shape.We are like best friends,inseperable.We talk all the time; laugh all the time.We don't have the problems that we see other couples having. Now , here's the problem: My husband no longer wants to have sex with me. I has dwindled down to once a month. He won't touch me or put his mouth on me anywhere.He doesn't look at me when I undress. I can't figure it out. We have a business together, so I know where he is all day (with me). I thought he must be having an affair, but if he is not with me, he is with the kids. So there is no time. I asked if it was a physical problem.He said no. Loss of desire ? No. Too much porn? He said he doesn't look at any anymore. When pressed for an honest answer, he said my butt is too big now and it turns him off. I have put on weight, but I was so small before. Now I am 35-28-38 and I like it.I am also very active and have worked out every day for the past 35 years! Can being a size 4 be that much of a turn off? This has been going on for two years!!!! Can someone give me some insight? Thanks.

Featured Answer

suzieque

12 years ago

last modified: 9 years ago

To Hello - I'm not knocking your post, but I'm wondering if you are a woman as you claim (You said "As women we always want to talk about things"). Yet your email address, clearly shown above your post, seems to indicate otherwise.

You offer to correspond with MPatt via email. I question your motives if, in fact, you are a man, which I believe you are. In my opinion no woman would ever use an email address like that. Yet you offer to discuss intricate sexual activities via email with MPatt.

Remember folks - err on the side of caution. The internet is a wonderful thing but can be slimy and dangerous if you're not cautious.

Comments (86)

Just_my_junk_live_com
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
To Mpatt
I think it's good you are reaching out instead of just going out and having an affair. I don't think anyone should criticize you for that post!
I think you should go pick up a cosmo magazine or get a subscription, they have tons of good ideas to spice it up every month. The one thing they always say, and I agree, is that the best way to let a man know how to please you is to show him, and a lot of men really enjoy watching a woman...go solo! This isn't something you discuss beforehand, the next time you are about to have sex gently push him back and say "watch" with an evil grin :) then show him. That means you do have to go solo before you do this. Toys are optional. The benefit to this technique is you get satisfied before he gets to start! And, after you are ...satisfied once, the second time comes faster...and the third....etc.
If you are totally uncomfortable with that, then that does bring up other issues that might be effecting things. But if that's the case
Get a DVD or find online some porn that really displays what you want/fantasize about. Then just say "I have a surprise for you tonight!" and put it on. Watch it together and point out things you like with small comments like "that turns me on!" or "that is so hot!" you can ask "do you ever fantasize about...." Remember men are visual he will be focused on the show so keep it short,
DO NOT say "why dont you..." or "you never...." Be very careful not to criticize him or threaten his manhood.
If he looks at porn alone sneak a peek and see what he likes, maybe you can create a live version of a fantasy of his.
As women we always want to talk about things, this is the one time I think we should ignore that urge! Talking about this issue makes it worse 99.9% of the time. This is an action situation. I will check back, and offer more suggestions if you want. If you want someone to talk to about this I will email you if your email is private (not shared with husband) just post here if you want me to email you. I don't check the account listed on this post, I would email you from a different account, if you want me to.
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mkroopy
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
How would the email address "Just.my.junk@live.com" be indicative that it's a man? Clearly it's an email set up for misc. internet stuff so the person's main email address does not get flooded by junk mail. I have one on Yahoo...so my work email doesn't get on too many spam lists.

I read Hello's post and thought "wow this could have been written by my girlfriend"...she is open about all kinds of stuff and always looking to spice things up a bit. Don't assume because someone is sexually open and experimental and likes porn, they must be a guy. My GF and me are about 75 miles apart and really only see each other on the weekends because of work, our kids, etc., and i can tell you sometimes when I call her at night and say "what ya doing?" she will come right out and say "surfing porn" - LOL! I love how she does not feel she has to repress this side of her.!
suzieque
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You may be right, mkroopy, that I assumed the wrong thing from the email address.

My (perhaps erroneous) assumption had nothing to do with the sexual openness or appetite for porn.
bv80disapp_gmail_com
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I have been married 20 years. Lack of sex has been an issue since before we were married. After 20 we have sex once a year, once every 18 months and so on. Am I dumb? My husband is super attached to his family, to the point that he disses me when it is a choice between me and them. I have thought in the past he might be gay, but he would never ever admit it. Way too Catholic. Help!!
asolo
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"Am I dumb?"

Reconsider what you wrote and come back and tell us what you think. Issue before marriage....but you married anyway. Issue for 20 years during marriage....but you stayed. Issue right now....but you're still there. Plus the family issues. Apparently you've become accustomed. Surely there must be something worthwhile going on.

What would "help" look like to you right now?
confusedspouse
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My husband and I have only been married for 4 months but have been together for 3 years. For about the first 4 months of our relationship sex was great! He was always in the mood. However, he is a bad alcoholic and saids that he just has no desire to have sex as often as I would like. We may have sex once a week and then again it could be more than that. I start feeling like he is not attracted to me and that I'm doing something wrong. Should I be feeling this way. I know that he is not into porn or other women but it still hurts.
suzieque
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
So 3 years ago you had great sex for 4 months. And he's a bad alcoholic. And you married him anyway, 4 months ago.

Why didn't you address this issue 2 years and 8 months ago? And, maybe reconsider marrying a bad alcoholic?

I truly hope that things go well for you, but I don't have a lot of hope for your happiness. Whether you should feel unattractive or that you're doing something wrong isn't, in my opinion, the point. But since it seems to be what you're concerned about, I'd say no, that's not the problem. Try to not feel that it is you and see if you can get to the root of the problem.
ptamom
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
#1 sex killer in a marraige, outside of medical causes, is resentment. Nothing reduces desire more efficiently. Seeking extra-marital relations is secondary. A cheating husband or wife resents their mate first. Ask yourself what could he resent? The stress of owning a business? How much is demanded of his time? The fact that you are always together? Sounds like he needs some time with the guys to remember he's a guy. Putting your energy into something positive will give him space and be good for you as well. Consider counseling. It is good to have a moderater. Maybe, find a male therapist so he doesn't feel outnumbered. It sounds like you spend a lot of time together but are not very close, emotionally.
@merly Life is short and you have already invested a lot of time into your marraige. Allow yourself to think about not being married. Divorce is not a sin. When one spouse withholds sex and affection from another it is a sin against the marraige. It sounds like you would get an annulment fairly easily. Whether your husband gay, I can't say. He may also have been abused and aviods sexual intimacy because of it. After 20 years, though, this should not be your burden. You can be saying the same thing in another 20 years or " remember when."
kendio310
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I have been marries for nearly 20yrs to a wonderful husband who is a great provider, helper and father. However having had a fantastic sex life before we were married, it eased of slowly but surely over the years. There was always an excuse of being tired, sore, stressed etc etc and promises!! As time went by I began to try all sorts of weird and wonderful things which gave off some sparks but then petered out again. We recently moved to the other side of the world for a better life for us and the kids and we have had sex twice in 3 months.....its always the same way .... I do love my husband but things have stared to become resentful and I feel so angry towards him...it hurts so deeply that I feel that my husband doesn't want me...he tells me he does but he would rather spend time in front of the pc than with me. As our kids are all at school during the day and he works shifts we have more alone time now than ever...I know he still is interested as I catch him looking at porn.
I dont feel that it will ever get better and realise that once the kids are up and away that we will part.Before we left I had met up with an old friend from my schooldays and we realised that we were still deeply attracted to each other and began a very passionate affair...we are still in touch via fb..he is also married and has young kids but like me he plans to stay around until his kids are away...I do feel though that if my husband had shown some interest I never would have gone down this road...its so hard and painful.....but what can I do
RobC59
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Kendio I do sympathise with you but as a man myself I suspect it is possible he has become pre-occupied with porn or maybe even I regret to say "working girls". The availability and quality of both has increased exponentially in this internet age. Porn is often free and very graphic and bears little resemblance to the grainy soft porn images you may remember from 25 years ago from sex movies of the period. If you have already caught him at it I suspect that is what he is doing. Frankly men often need a shock to the system and I suggest you are completely upfront with him and let him know unless we are able to make this work then the marriage is over. Even if your recent affair for geographical reasons is over for some people "doing without" knaws away at them continuously and it will only be a matter of time before you find another possibly through one of the many married affair websites. So get it out there and see whether the two of you can rekindle the passion.
songbirdpj
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Would love to know what happened to cheesecurl's marriage, as it has been some years now.

I'm having a similar problem with my "fiance." He simply doesn't want to have any sort of sex ever, and its been 6 months now. A few times I've approached him and just did oral sex and he let me and "finished" but then said it didn't feel right. I moved 4 hours from my home (with my kids) to live with him after we became engaged, supposedly getting married 3 months later (had to get there for the kids to start their new schools to be compliant with my custody legalities). We had been together 8 years at that point. My one child didn't acclimate, made life literally a living hell, and ended up moving back with her dad. My "fiance" was REALLY angry at how that all went down, and now resents me for it. He should have realized that this transition would have been REALLY HARD for a 40-something single mom to do with 2 children (he wasn't willing to move to me due to work constraints). Anyway, now he tells me its "over" and he isn't in love with me anymore, and wants me and my kids to move back. I am SO HURT I can't even tell you -- after a year long custody battle to gain the permission to move, then we move, then my daughter, etc I've been through HELL just to get married and I feel he doesn't appreciate it, and now what?

I don't see any evidence of him cheating; we work together from home every day so we're effectively with each other A LOT. Believe me, I've searched, researched, asked around, etc and find nothing. I do find he's looking at playboy, but that's it. He said his head just isn't on "sex" right now.

Any thoughts?
colleenoz
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm confused. Are you married or not? You refer to this man as your "fiance" and say you were "supposedly getting married". So did you, or didn't you?
In any case, frankly it sounds like he's a jerk you're well shed of. Being angry and resentful about your child, and now telling you it's "over" and asking you to leave, is childish to say the least. Certainly not the actions of a caring, loving man. Take him at his word and leave. If you're not actually married, so much the better, there's less to untangle.
I'm curious, if he works from home, why could he not have moved "due to work constraints"?
DieSonne777
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Get that people. I have not had sex in a year, and for the last 5 years of my marriage it's happened a hand full of times with me basically raping my dear hubby. Today is our 5th anniversary and where did it takes us? Just as the author of the thread, we are great friends, laugh and have common interests in life, but.. NO SEX at all. I am devistated. I left our child at my friend's house, so we can take our relationship to the new level and have a romantic time together. After a dinner, he came home, put his PJs on and went to watch a TV and fall asleep on the sofa. It's a screaming soul. I need help! I don't want to divorce, I love him dearly and he says he loves me too (talk is cheap). I put on some baby weight which I've been struggling to get rid off. So, now my rounder than before body plus a 16-year age difference are killing his desire.He works a lot, is stressed at work all the time, but people, 5 years in a row?? I am not ugly, guys are hitting on me all the time, but I let my guard on (not a cheater by nature).
I am working on getting back in shape, working out every day, trying to look nice, but he would not even make a compliment to me or show ANY interest when I am undressed. A 2-second kiss is what I've been getting twice a day for 5 years.
I am also suspecting that my quick pregnancy might be the reason. he would not want to use condoms at all and is not willing to sacrifice the pleasure (if you know what I mean).
I have never shared this problem with anyone, and have never used forums to express my shameful situation, but I am at the point of loosing it hard. Please share your thoughts dear men.
1234abcd1
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Well, I would highly suggest you to follow family purity. What it is, it's a jewish las that doesn't allow the men and woman to even touch each other while she's having her cycle. You can't even undress yourself in front your husband during that time.

Well, although you're most probably not orthodox jewish, but nothing to do with that. If you'll decide with your husband and make a reason why you'd like to do that, to simply not being allowed to touch each other, I mean it literally. If you do that for let's say 3 - 4 weeks, I have no doubt that it will slowly start your husband wanting you especially if he's a reliable husband that won't be looking for other woman.

That's the most successful method to keep a good sexual life for more married couples more then 20 - 30 years in a row. It always keeps it on... I know many people who are observant of that law and you can see the sparkle in their eyes for love after such a long time being together.

When you follow that rule, you all the sudden start realizing that relationship is SO much more then the physical part. You all the sudden reveal a new level of relationship.

Yes, I know it will NOT be easy. But it will be worthed.

Make it a set time that you guys don't touch each other, let' say 3 weeks. You'll still be toghether for everything and continue helpful and caring life between you guys while keeping this no-touching rule.

Everybody would agree that this is the most rewarding effort for a low sexual relationship situation.

Good luck to you
JoseShifter
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I will try to answer this question as best I can.
I am a 35 year old male who has little interest in sex.
Things changed for me around the age of 25.

I have no idea why I have no interest in sex. I used to be a sex god. I still find pleasure masturbating or watching porn. Its separate. One is desire the other is just releasing. I do not think a women can understand how impossibly hard this is to address as a male.

The only reason I am following up on this is because my wife divorced me. It has taken me six months of staring in the mirror to admit I have a problem. I have an appointment with the Urologist in two days.

All I can say is to you is that your husbands and BF love you, they are broken and can't face it alone. My wife followed the $hitty advice (Similar to on the internet to leave). We did not discuss it. She insulted me a few times and made me clam up even more.

I would imagine it is the same as a woman finding out she is barren and her husband laughing in her face and divorcing her. How would that make you feel?

To make sure to answer your question, you husband does want sex and he loves you. He can't. After I come back from the doctors I'll let you know if there is a fix. This one is not about you. Don't be an selfish a$$hole, help your spouse.
colleenoz
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
So how is your spouse supposed to guess all this "he loves you. He can't" if you won't discuss it or do something about it?
JoseShifter
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
For me it was impossible to admit that there was something sexually wrong with me. Why would I? I feel normal.

The posts above are selfish and cruel. From calling him Gay, Immediate Divorce, to crying about their own feelings.

He is the one with the problem. You are the one who should be helping him. Stop all the negative crap and make an appointment at the Urologist today. And support the hell out of him. Don't make it about you. Don't "support" him by threatening to divorce him. Don't tell him he is gay. Why do you even get married if your going to treat this man like crap.

He can't talk about it because it is very difficult to talk about. Talking is a waste of time anyway. Just do it. Make the appointment for him and encourage him to go. Take some resposibility in helping your spouse through a tough spot. Don't demand him to be able to do it alone. Sometimes being a partner means carring more than 50% of the weight.

I hope that answered your question.

And yes I understand it means the ladies have to do the extra mile on this one.

You didn't ask, but I am worried about going tommorow. If the results are bad I may never have a family.
colleenoz
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think your expectations are unrealistic Jose; OP says she asked her husband if anything was wrong and his reply when pressed was "Your (size 4) butt is a turn-off". How cruel is that? So from this she's supposed to infer he needs a urologist's appointment and compel him to attend? How do you compel an adult to attend a doctor's appointment he feels is unnecessary because, as you say, "I feel normal"?
What's wrong with the husband thinking, "My wife is unhappy because I don't want sex. Most men want sex. I'd like to make my wife happy again. Maybe I need help" and doing something about it to please his wife?
JoseShifter
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
There is nothing wrong with thinking that. Normally that is a great response. Unfortunatly it is not enough for this issue.

In this case (Which the OP asked for a man to give insight on) the man is the one with a problem and needs help. Good news both problems can be fixed at the same time.

Spouses can compel each other. Everyone is different so there is no one answer, but I am sure the OP can try a few things that have worked before in the past.

I agree "your butt is a turn off" is cruel, but it is a backlash.

I am trying to answer the question of the OP. This is what I believe is happening and how to fix it. Right or Wrong. Its free advice.

To answer the question of "Can being a size 4 be that much of a turn off?"
I would say no. I believe there is an issue with his physical health.
colleenoz
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"Spouses can compel each other"
Oh really? Spouses can urge but not compel, unless the relationship is very unequal. No way can I make _my_ spouse do something he really doesn't want to do.
JoseShifter
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree that urge is a better word than compel. English is my third language please try not to beat me up too badly.

Colleen why are you so headstrong in fighting my advice to the OP? I am the type of person she is asking for insight from? I am not trolling. If you disagree or have better advice please feel free to express it.
colleenoz
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Because while I think you have a valid point, I also think you're being simplistic and unrealistic.
OP (who is long gone, it was four years ago) is unhappy in her marriage. She has tried discussing it with her husband but he is not willing to discuss it to the point of being insulting.
So you're telling her she needs to make a giant leap of faith and assume he's somehow "broken" and compel him to see a urologist to get "fixed". What if he won't go? What if that's not the problem? What if he's content to remain "broken" because he doesn't see a problem? What are her options- to remain in what is to her an unhappy relationship and be all supportive in the possibly vain hope that one day things may change? You yourself admit it took your wife to divorce you and six months of staring into the mirror to convince yourself to do something.
And talking isn't a waste of time. I wonder whether your wife might have looked for a different solution to her unhappiness had you been willing to talk. If you don't know what the problem is, you can't fix it.
nick333
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
big girls are beautiful
did you ever stop to think that the very fact you spend so much time together either at work or home may cause this lack of sex (by the way once a month would be a good thing in my eyes ,my wife allows it once every 3 months) maybe a sex buddy or as simple as booking a hotel room and go out on a date together like you did when you first met and take him upstairs to your hotekl room
JoseShifter
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree the OP is most likely long gone, but their is other women reading this post so hopefully this helps.

I believe if an appointment was made by the wife and the husband was urged in a positive way he would go. I believe this would fix the issue and prevent divorce or unhappiness for the wife. My wife was very negative towards me and this shameing did not help. Too much talk will most likely cause a backlash in the beginning. (Especially if it is about him being gay, not meeting her needs, or divorce) I recommend taking the direction that this is a health concern for him. It is not normal and most likely is a hormone issue. I believe after he visits a doctor things will change immediately and he will open up to conversation with his wife. I also recommend not making this about the Wife's needs not being met or her happiness. I agree these are very important, but discussing them at this time will drive him further from getting help because he will be on the defensive about being a poor lover and inadequate husband.

****What if he won't go? What if that's not the problem? What if he's content to remain "broken" because he doesn't see a problem?****

It depends on his response, but maybe try getting some help from his father or brother. This is a lot easier to discuss with a positive respected male figure. When I spoke about this with my Father it openned my eyes. Everyone may not have this relationship with their Father, so use your best judgement.

As far as the leap of faith and what are her options. These are some of her options:
Make Appointment and be positive
Get help from His Father/Brother Etc
Give it some time. Buy a vibrator to get some relief.
(Not forever, but many times it takes a while for discussions like this to sink in)

I loved my wife very much and I am sad our marriage did not work out. I wish I could do it again, but I can not. I know we are not the only couple to go through this. I am giving this advice and action items to the wives because they are the ones looking for help.

If there are husbands reading this...Get yourself checked out as soon as possible. Don't wait till your wives are gone. If that is not enough of a reason then do it because you want to feel like a sexgod like when you were 18. Reach back into your memories, don't you want to be like that again?
Vrs1
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
As a man I know what it's like to have periods of a low sex drive, but I would never blame my wife for it (maybe indirectly, but not the whole thing). I think the reason he gave you is pretty shallow.

There are so many things that come to play here that it's hard to give you a definitive answer but here are some suggestions.

First, you both need to realize that a certain decline in the sex drive for a man after 40 is normal. Society doesn't treat it as normal, but it is. Happens to all men. At some point it will happen. Once you're in your 40's-50's, etc to be like you were at 18 isn't normal. Once a month may be all he's able - but that probably isn't the case. He's probably still able for more sex than that in his 40's (I know I was) but who knows? It could be physical. He might just be tired or maybe even have a health problem.

I think all men have "performance" issues at some level. If a man ever thinks you don't enjoy sex with him it is a HUGE demoralizer. Men are so competitive it's hard for us to think we may not measure up in some way. I'm not saying sex is a competition. I'm saying competition is such an ingrained part of a mans nature that low performance in ANY area makes him feel inadequate. The competitive drive can subconsciously spill over and effect how he feels in any area he thinks he doesn't measure up. Men loathe feeling inadequate. They also hate to admit it. A major way a man deals with feelings of inadequacy is avoidance.

Also, a man needs to know he is respected by his wife and not a disappointment to her (women want to know they are loved, a man wants to know he is respected). Even if a man won't admit it, it's really important to him to be told he's appreciated for the things he does. Nothing gets me in the mood more than when my wife notices the things I do for her and conveys her appreciation throughout the day. When we were younger all I had to do was look at her and I was in the mood. Now, in our 31st year of marriage an emotional element is involved.

You mentioned he isn't into porn anymore. In my opinion he never should have been in the first place. His eyes should be reserved for you, his wife. My wife considers pornography a form of adultery and I agree with her. To fantasize about sex with other women is a selfish form of stimulation. It degrades sex into nothing more than personal gratification (which is also why masturbation is wrong). Sex wasn't intended for a personal pleasure in and of itself. The thrill isn't supposed to be nothing more than a physical act, like an animal. The truest gratification is the shared intimacy between a husband and wife, the LOVE that's being expressed between the two through sex. NOTHING is a greater thrill than that. Until someone has experienced it they have no idea. It's almost a spiritual experience.

If your husband doesn't have physical issues - which very well could be the case - then it's psychological. The only way to discover the truth is through open communication. And open communication isn't going to happen without a great deal of trust. Trust comes or disappears by the way you treat each other 24/7. Not just in the bedroom.

This is not an incurable problem. It will require openness and trust to solve it though, whether it's physical or psychological.

Here is a link that might be useful: Building Intimacy and Trust

This post was edited by Vrs1 on Thu, Jan 24, 13 at 15:16
Vrs1
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sorry, this was accidentally a duplicate so I deleted it ...

This post was edited by Vrs1 on Thu, Jan 24, 13 at 15:20
afrenchgirl
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I can relate
...... Clueless on what I should even do

This post was edited by afrenchgirl on Mon, Jan 28, 13 at 2:49
JoseShifter
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I am looking for an answer afrenchgirl.
Dont believe the psychological BS.
I'll post here when I find an answer. Problem is it has been hard to find a doctor who understands men's health. It is a lot harder than I initially believed.
Vrs1
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Was sex with him satisfactory before the drop-off?, or did you ever complain to him about being unfulfilled after sex?

If you complained or implied in any way sex wasn't satisfying to you then my guess is he's dealing with "performance issues".

If a man feels he's not measuring up in the area of sex it can be devastating to his sense of self-worth and he can start worrying over what will happen next time they're in bed? Fear about satisfying his wife can effect him physically (erections) and once that happens it's over, i.e., he'll start avoiding sex because he's afraid of not measuring up.

I had something similar happen years ago when I was thinking my wife and I were having great sex and she was unhappy because she hadn't had an orgasm every time. I'd always heard NO woman has an orgasm every time and told her that. She'd never heard it and expected to have at least one every time.

I felt pressure thinking she expected me to do something that wasn't possible to do (bring her to orgasm every time) and I started feeling fear when I'd think about sex. That effected me physically, and then I started avoiding sex.

This went on for awhile because I also avoided talking about it, so my wife didn't know what was going on.

So I'd recommend you think about what your interaction with each other was like before he started avoiding sex. If it's mental and not physical it should get better once things get out in the open and the two of you can communicate in a non-threatening way and without blaming.

Here is a link that might be useful: Ways to build communication and trust
sighing
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Jose. Sounds like you were hurt badly and that completely sucks. I hate that and it's the Truth that is its not just about her... but it is about both him and her. lack of intimacy hurts both and it's embarrassing for both and that makes it more complicated and difficult.. For both. Sometimes there's no solution. Sometimes he won't go to the dr or counseling and would prefer to just not talk about it or pretend its just temporary. Sometimes years of encouraging and support don't work. Sometimes over those years she's wondered what's wrong and gone over the possibilities a million times in her head. She's considered every angle not to be cruel but because she is confused. She wonders what could be wrong with her not just because of the lack of intimacy but the perception that he doesn't mind. She feels she must not measure up if he finds a fantasy sex life more appealing. What do you do when you've lost hope? When you want to love and you feel attraction that is never reciprocated? How do you bring it up without further destroying his confidence or continue to persevere when you've tried so gently to find solutions? How do you protect and respect him and his feelings without completely ignoring your own needs? What if you'd do anything for a solution. If you've given and made the best possible life for him. If you've loved and cared for him and want his happiness so much it compels you to keep giving more? What if your only choice is to accept that this is the way it's going to be because he doesn't want to be seek medical help or has pre-decided there's nothing they can do. It's just that you are not correct to think She can always compel him to get help by just being supportive. I wish with all my heart that were true. I don't have any answers.
Nikalina
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sorry. Double posted...not used to new phone yet :)

This post was edited by Nikalina on Mon, Feb 18, 13 at 1:46
Nikalina
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
@Vrs1 that was a Great response. I know from reading this that althou I
Have tried to "gingerly" address potential issues I feel we r having in our sex life I think I may have failed in my approach. Reading ur post makes me worried I may have really hurt my husbands feelings even thou I tried so very hard to avoid hurting the man I love. I can say as a woman.....it is devestating when u feel u want sex more or hold greater desire to please than ur husband. u hear stories, see on movies, etc that it is "supposed" to be the "other way around". I can only speak for myself....but I take the lack of sex very personal. I wouldnt say I am insecure by any means......but I love to feel wanted by my husband. The passion of him wanting me is almost more fufilling than the orgasm itself. Needless to say.....now that I read your post...looking back....our sex life has become worse since I brought up it bothered me that once he reached orgasm ...sex was over...blah blah blah. like I said...I thought I said it gingerly but I think I hurt his feelings and feel terfible now......like devestated. How do I fix this?? I have never agreed with The old saying "sticks and stones may break my
bones but names can never hurt me.....because for me....words get embedded in the soul and can hurt a lifetime if u let it......
Thanks for ur help in advance :)
JoseShifter
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I am sorry to hear about your pain Nikalina you sound like a great wife.

I don't think talking will help this issue(At least for him). He will need to get help from a specialist. You probably did say it gingerly but he knows whats going on.

I wish I could give better advice on a fix. I have been going to specialists for months and its not an easy thing to fix.

I wish I had a chance to fix my marriage like your husband has with you. Best of luck.
quickquestion13
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
JoseShifter, are you still around? What did your doctor have to say? I have been trying to work through my feelings about similar issues with my husband. Your response is so honest and thoughtful. It reassured me greatly in regard to my own work. I love my husband and I trust that he loves me. I have a hard time understanding how he can separate sexual interest in me from sexual interest in porn, yourt response made more sense to me than anything else I have come across. Thank you! Not being with him, not supporting him is not an option to me. I want to know how to help us both to be happy and content with one another
JoseShifter
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thank you quickquestion13,

I have seen improvement by taking 2 pills. Clomid and Anastrozole. Your Husband most likely will have different causes so please visit this website:

http://lowt.gy/forum/viewforum.php?id=3

After reading this I felt more comfortable that this is normal and had a plan to move forward. The men on there are very helpful.

I will try to explain the seperation. Imagine you start a pattern at 12 years old and do it every day. At 12 you needed to do it, but over time I lessed that need until it was gone. Would you know to stop? Or would you continue to do it? I think that is half of why a man does it. The other half is more biology and involves releasing and operating. A secondary fuction.

As odd as it sounds the two are not connected at all. I would not have thought so, but that does not make it true.

I am very happy to hear your words and I hope very much that you can repair and grow your love with your husband.

I will continue to check this website from time to time. Please ask any questions and I will be as honest as I can.
LucretiaMcKenzie
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
@ JoseShifter; I'm hoping you are still checking this thread, I really need some good man advice.
I am having the same issues as most of these women. My Man (he's 45 & I'm 42) doesn't seem to be attracted to me at all anymore. When I try to discuss it he gets angry and says I'm accusing him, shuts down completely, or he totally ignores me. His other favorite is, " We have such a good thing you and I, why do you have to over think everything and jump to the conclusion there is something wrong?" I'm at a loss... he used to post me sweet quotes on my Facebook page, he used to tell me I was beautiful...and now he's stopped doing those things all together, they just slowly faded away.
He still tells me he loves me and that nothing has changed about the way he feels, but his actions say different. He will want to have sex (about once a month) and send me hot little pics and texts during the day on his lunch/breaks and he'll come home and about an hour or so after we eat, just before bed, he'll get a headache, or his arms ache, or his back is killing him and I'm left holding the proverbial bag... WTF? I've tried different nights, you know when he is off the next day and he gets a pain...I've tried during week nights and it's "I'm tired...I gotta work tomorrow" I'm so confused and hurt and I can't help but feel rejected, which he gets very angry about because he doesn't think I should feel that way...but how am I supposed to feel? He says it's him, not me. I know it's not E/D because he doesn't have a problem while he sleeps or if he's checking out the airbrushed, touched up ass pics online...
Anyway, like I said, he is still very affectionate and tells me he loves me, we still cuddle and kiss, but the fact he doesn't want to have sex with me makes me wonder. We are very compatible, we don't argue, we are great friends and enjoy being together. I know that seems hard to believe, but it's true. Our relationship seems almost too perfect, if you don't count this "maybe" once a month sex thing. Earlier in our relationship we discussed the fact that his ex wife never wanted to have sex after the kids came and that it hurt him, so if he knows how it feels why is he doing the same thing to me, if he loves me...I just don't get it. I really want to get to the bottom of this, I am crazy, ridiculously in love with this man and I'm pretty sure he feels the same for me, so leaving is not an option...If you could offer some insight I would be so grateful,Thank you! ~Lucretia
DeeDee65
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I've scanned through most of the posts on here. I have to say that my situation is so similar. Our sex life was wonderful for about the first 8 years, the steadily declined. I have tried talking to my husband about this issue and he just shuts down completely. He tells me its not a physical issue but more of a mental one, The last 10 years been terrible. We are down to annual sex. I used to think it doesn't matter, but realize it does. I am 48, and feel like I have wasted the last 10 years. Yes, there is love, respect, and intimacy - just not sexual intimacy. Our youngest child will be graduating from hs next year, and I honestly do not think that we will be married much after that. I want a husband, not a room mate. Having begged for years for him to seek help, and his refusal it just proves to me that this marriage isn't worth saving to either of us,
JackieShush
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It happens when two people become like one person. Apparently, that's what many couples strive for, but this is also the reason of a loss of sexual desire. You are his friend, his family, his companion, but he no longer treats you as a woman. Have no fear, there are many ways to change the situation!
TrueBlue234
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
@joseShifter thank you for your honest, straightforward responses. You are right about responding to an original thread that is years old. There are other women out here who may benefit from your advice, and I feel I am one of them.
Lynn9876
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
@joseShifter I am hoping you are still here. My husband and I have been married 33 years and right from the beginning of our marriage I had to fight or plead with him to have sex with me. The frequency became less and less. He had this problem with his only other girlfriend so I knew it wasn't me. I tried EVERYTHING, counselling, leaving him alone, fighting, not fighting, everything. I did a lot of reading. Finally I realized that it was going to be a sexless marriage. I decided to stay for various reasons but slept on the couch.
I found out a few months ago that he had been receiving topless pictures of a thirty year old lady and he had been texting her. I also found an extensive stash of porn and he admitted he had been having self-sex about three times a month. He said he loves me but doesn't find me sexually attractive (I had a double mastectomy with reconstruction for breast cancer). He says it's my breasts but come on, a lot of men (including my Dad) have had to deal with this. I think he is using that excuse because he is no longer ABLE to have sex with a live person.
At this point I'm not sure quite what to do and wondered if anyone has any information to pass on.
forgottenhusband1
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi, I am no expert by any means but this is my take on this. Sometimes guys look at their wives or gf with a resentment if they don't have what others they know have. What I mean by this is let's say a guy's gf is hot and does things that most gf or wives would not ever do "sexual stuff" when he comes home and see's the same ol plain Jane he would feel turned off. I'm not saying this is the case but I'm in my mid 40's and some men I know do talk about this. I don't know what you look like or how your personal lives are but he should realize that we all change as we get older. We can't have that same body we had in high school or be as agressive and daring. Another thing is sometimes men go thru spells as they get older when their machines don't start up the same. They feel imbarrased to even admit it. And about your behind being too big, don't worry about that be proud of how you are. Most men love that and if he can't see past that it's his problem. This might not be the best thing but find out what he really likes and maybe meet him halfway. There's a saying, the man might be the head of the house but the woman's the neck and she can turn him any way she wants. Good luck.
lynn0987
9 years ago
Hi - I appreciate your comments but I'm not sure if it was in response to my post. When my husband didn't want sex at the beginning of our marriage I was a size 6 and used to get whistles as I walked to work. Even now some young guys saw me in the hot tub and were whistling. So I might look ok. I would like to resume a "normal" sexual relationship but don't know how to help my husband. @joseShifter seemed to have the same sort of problem. Please if you are out there help me.
lynn0987
9 years ago
Also, I'm really open and comfortable with sex! I had other fun and fulfilling sexual relationships before my marriage. I have offered for him to watch porn if that what he needs. I don't get it.
nehashakya255
8 years ago
Hell, I am married with to my boyfriend & we had twins in a year...I am.really happy & have a wonderful family.... But my husband always rejects when I try intimate with him...before we use to have sex like 3 times a day but its been a year & more he doesn't want sex.... I have caught him downloading porn & watching them while I was pregnant..... When I try talking to him about this matter he always seems to say he's tired & he a lot of stress regarding business..,.. What should I do??? Pls help
colleenoz
8 years ago
Sounds like now you're a mother he's decided subconsciously that you're off-limits. You both need counselling, perhaps together and separately so your husband can open up and talk without you in the room until he's ready.

If this is a deal breaker you need to let him know that, and that you're willing to work at fixing it but he has to as well.

If you don't make it clear that this is a problem it will not get fixed.
donnabuckner423
8 years ago
@joeshifter

You said it isn't good for the wife to talk to the husband about these problems and you continue to name off things she should have done.....

1st off.

If she shouldn't talk to you about about your all's sex problems ( or a lack of) why would she go talk to your dad about it?

2nd

You said she should have made a Dr appointment and tried to get you to go...

Isn't it your body? Shouldn't you feel if something is wrong? I mean really it was you having a bodily problem correct? You should have made that appointment. .

She is being selfish only thinking of herself and your comment maybe get a vibrator, & don't make this all about you and or she wasn't nice to me about it...

Maybe she wasn't just thinking about her "sexual needs" do you not know what this does to a female also?? It isn't all about getting a piece of @as .

It makes a woman question what's wrong with her,why isn't he attracted to me, what's wrong with me,why doesn't he want me,he doesn't want to talk to me about it so he must not care, if he doesn't want me then who does he want? It makes her feel like less of a woman when her own man doesn't want her especially when he won't even try..

Maybe you should quit putting all the blame on her because you were not willing to talk to her, you wouldnt acknowledge that there was even a problem until she left you and ***YOU***** talked to your dad about it, again key word being * YOU *
donnabuckner423
8 years ago
@many of the females posting on here.....I'm assuming you are telling your story because you are looking for advice....I have read nearly every comment on this page 1st @jackie wanted to say I totally agree there are for sure ways to change things :)

And to many of the females posting on this page I have noticed one thing many of you have in common and that is you appear to truly love your husband's and are willing to do about anything to help them and honestly that's one of the problems.

Ever known one of those females that don't take ANY crap from a man? they have the guus eating out of their hand. Am I saying to be one of those so called crazy women, no not at all but I am saying being too nice will get you ran over and being a door mat isn't any fun but would you believe that it isn't fun for a man either? guys do like a challenging woman regardless of what many may say. So many times I've heard a man say how mean their ex's were to them and how they tried so hard yet later get with a good girl only to end up not treating her nearly as good as he did his mean ex.

A good girl gets taken for granted too often and it's because the man takes her for granted by believing he has her where he wants her,he gets comfortable and less thoughtful of her and her feelings because he has her where he wants her. And this getting comfortable position in life tends to made o e less thoughtful and selfish... One female commented that they rarely have sex and when they do once he has a orgasm he is done he stops, that's honestly because he is only thinking of himself, this has nothing to do with a health problem....

Give these guys a challenge....mess up their comfort zone a bit, don't be sooooo available....
Caroline Snider
6 years ago
I am not my husband but I can tell you why he would not consider the sex and times I offered> He felt that i was using sex as a blackmail to get him to wait on things he did not want to wait for in the community. He said we were trying to Ransom his life and he was not paying the ransom when The sex did happen it was in no way the way i wanted in 2013> He had just come home from three years of rehab after MRSA in his spine and its complications. Had been in a stress center for two weeks. because of an incident that happened in the Rebab in 2012 when his father told him he again thought he was going to have his way when what he was really going to do was shut his face and just accept what was decided for him and that did not include a vacation ever, He flattened his father with a stainless steel bed pan to his face and he threw a full urinal at me telling me i had nothing ever to say about holidays and vacations.

HE was done and would kill the first person that got in the way of his rights when he was out of rehab. When He got out of the stress center it was on the worst possible evening, I was getting ready to go to an Awards dinner as a promise to his mother, father, and his fathers best friend.

I started out of my room and ran right into his chest and His first comment home was good i was ready to go out, He had not been out in 31 years. Where were we going!. He Knew full well we did not expect him home that day.

I broke down Crying telling him I had promised that evening six months before and I could not add him to the table at that late hour. He just said well it looked like His parents and his fathers friend may as well get used to broken promises just as he had the last 31 year. Back off this or that and i promised him we would have the sex life and vacation as well as the holidays he earned and wanted and then when i came time to keep my promise where did he end up again. Filling for someone else taking his time and I would make the same stupid promise again expecting him to fall for it. He said Now the Bill was due and I was keeping 31 years of promises to him before I even thought was keeping any to any one else.. I was trying to hand him a 100 and get him to meet us anywhere he choose after the event.

I just wanted a Civil discourse why things had happened as they had> He was not going to permit it and ripped my outfit to shreds and had his way about sex. Then he went after his fathers friend when he arrived and called my husband a crip and told him to get out of his way he was entering our home< He Through the man over the rail on our deck landing him face first in the Drive right in front of his fathers car. We think he was intending the man land in his mother and fathers lap.

Over the years for everytime he w3as interfered with from @001 to 2009 he made sure somebody hurt over it even if he had to ambush some body. I Never understood why when his father and others used weapons to force him to work the holidays, Or when His father put his passport in his safe deposit to make him stay and work vacations Why he could not just Do as was requested and Take the times offered in exchange Instead of wait until the incident was finished and he worked then he would show up with a machinist sledge and break parts of people for daring to hold a weapon on him. I saw what he did to one man who thought drawing a pistol when he appeared at his home was going to stop his pain, My husband shattered the right hand, his arm up to the shoulder bad enough he lost his arm, all because he had wanted a holiday off and they forced him in at shotgun point.

IN 2014 On Memorial day his father offered him 200 to stay away until we called him home. Before the end of the day he's taking a reservation my name was on away from another friend and telling his father he did not care if he was invited where I was invited he was to His father slapped him and called him stupid, His father flew over the kitchen island with the full force of a full fisted backhand breaking his jaw. He Had To be stopped from making the doorman at the club from getting his face ground into the pavement after pushing him to a public sidewalk and into the street. On the fourth of July that year they used Ketamine in a drink he had and Dumped him 30 miles out of Tow intending tio go back and get him later, HE Did Nor wait to embarrass everyone sending state police in To Search for the drug after they pumped his stomach. Two Friends were arrested in front of their families wives and children. They called it a joke, The police called it abduction with intent to do bodily harm and not a joke dumping a man in the middle of a county road and leaving him there drugged not with his consent. If My husband would have just talked to us then those men would be home with their kids instead of paying in prison for a joke.

IN 2015 We were going on a cruise to Cancun My Husband Did Not care he was again not invited withy his rule if i was then he was.. It Made his father so angry he intended to use a ball bat to send him back home and stop hi9s defiance. His Father was hit so hard with an Upper cut before he took his swing it broke his neck. Latter in 2015I was offering the First Christmas dinner as a married man in 33 years, at home, To keep tensions down I gave him his plate and told him to go out to the barn and eat out there and if he wanted more I would get it at the back door He hit me in the face with the full plate yelling at me he was not some dam hand to e given charity. It Was his table , the food he had supplied and he was not eating in the cold barn.. He made everyone leave under the barrel of a 30 30 and I just stood and cried thinking why did it always have to be so hard to gain just a little cooperation. IF just one year we could have gone without defiance about sex, his work, and time out of the plant I think something that he wanted could have been worked out.

I know after we ran into the problems within two years of his return home about vacation time, We had come back from ROME with a plan to Find A vacation starting after the New Year in 1988. I was thinking a nice beach and hotel for the same two weeks off in time it was just six months away.

He Wanted me to keep the two promises i had made the last two years About sex And The mos5rt recent was any time, any where and any way he wanted, I Would Be both a Willing sex partner and travel companion if he stayed behind for that girl and her lazy fiancé to marry in ROME.

I was not expecting him to want to drop everyone else at his fathers house and want to point the nose of the Van to Wyoming and His Grandfathers where he was from 1239 miles to the west. He had been hounded to go out there with me to introduce me. I just did not want a three week road trip after traveling all night from Rome, Every suggestion we mad for six months away was shot down. He Said did we realize he had not even seen the3 sun in seven years, What would he look like on a beach, probably a lobster. He got in the sun the first time In 2014 and he burned within five minutes so bad he blistered.

I had no idea years ago when he left the Boats that sun was now a allergy for him.
colleenoz
6 years ago
Assuming this is true, with so many assaults, why is this man not in jail? Why are you still married to him? Why is your whole family so dysfunctional?

husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???

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