A post on another thread indicates that you may have some sexual fantasies that do not match your husband's.

Is it possible that this might be a source of contention, resentment?

Is it possible for a size 4 butt to be a turn off? Sure. But without question, that feeling is rooted somewhere else. You're arse is just a distraction from the real problem - which he may not necessarily be in tune with. It's much easier to focus on physical feature excuses. You have to make it a safe place for him to explore his issues, otherwise he will keep those hidden from you and perhaps even himself.

Obvioulsy, I'm not a guy either, but there aren't a lot here so you may be waiting for a while for their comments.
There's a couple things that stick out to me. First, it's great that you are friends but it sounds like maybe you've fallen into that brother/sister friendship mode. Have you considered trying to make him a little jealous? Let him know other guys are noticing you. Buy some outfits a little too revealing. Go out without telling him exactly where you're going or who you'll be with, come home late, etc... let his mind wonder.

I don't really think it has much to do with your behind. For guys that may not know, a size 4 is pretty darn small. ...like smaller than some skinny models. Another thing that jumps out is the no porn comment. Ok, maybe your guy really does tell you the truth about his porn habits. Well, then, why isn't he checking out girls with great asses there? It sounds like maybe his desire is off even if he doesn't want to admit it.

And, I hate, hate to say this, (good sounding relationship and all), but could there be someone else? Could he be getting it elsewhere? I can't imagine any guy telling his wife he doesn't like her behind unless it really is a nicer thing to say than the actual truth. --- "I'm screwing my secretary so I'm not in the mood... hum, maybe I should just go with..."your ass looks flabby, dear, and it's just not doing much for me" --- I mean how many guys have acutal told a woman something that negative about her body especially considering the fact that this poster's measurements are very, very decent.

There's a lot more to this story than he's letting on. Maybe he's not even aware of what the problem is. Maybe he lost his libido and he's pushing the blame onto you. Obviously something has to be done. You can't continue on like this forever; have you guys considered counseling? I too am interested to see what the guys have to say.

And last, could be if he is using porn to meet his needs, and really doesn't want or need you in that way. A man on the radio yesterday wrote a book about this very problem in his own marriage. The book is titled: Porn Nation. I imagine it is worth taking a look at the book, and may help you both understand this. I was in and out of the car, so I did not hear the whole interview, but as the guy described his own use of porn, I imagined a lot of people could probably relate to what he had to say.

Please post back and let us know if you find a solution. I'm also married to my best friend and we haven't had sex in over 2 years.

Kalahari

And yet you have children together, to raise, and a business and all the responsibilities that go along with both the family and business. For both of you, you would have everything to lose if not together.

Rather a contradiction, I'd say.

"...men would be much happier if they would open up their darn mouths and talk..."

Yup. Women, too.

Something's going on. Talk would be swell about now. Hopefully followed by action.

This is rather curious. Sometimes I think it is difficult go get yourself out of a rut, life is tough. If he is pushing away friends, family and you..then sounds like depression to me. These social contacts with other people are important for our well being.

What joy do you have in your lives ?

I haven't read all the posts so I appologise if you you have already touched on this.

So, here's what you have:

He said he hasn't lost interest (maybe guys can speak to this... but even if he's not finding you great looking, if he's got the desire, I would think he's going to want to do something form time to time... you can't be totally grossing him out). I really think you need to push this desire thing. If he were tired, stressed (or depressed) as some suggested, desire would fade and that would be the problem to fix. He's saying that's not the case. He's (we think) not using porn. So, how is he being satisfied? I'd come right out and ask him.

I still wouldn't rule out an emotional affair (I know he's always with the kids, but what if it's with a soccer mom or the woman who delivers his mail at work?) Someone or something is making him lose his desire for you personally. He doesn't despise or hate you, you're not fighting, I'm sure you're fine looking... what else could it be? What would make you not want your husband? Think about it.

Ever wonder if the reason she was acting as if "get this over with" is because you were lousy in bed and not all that good looking either?

"Posted by Amy (cvett84@yahoo.com) on Tue, Dec 14, 10 at 12:52

My husband has had E/D for about 25 years and has other medical issues for which he takes meds. 25 years is a long time without sex. He totally enjoys being without sex or any intimacy at all. I use to nag him and cry out of frustration but in my heart I knew that wouldn't work. I finally decided to take my life in my hands and create a group of friends whom I enjoy being with. This group consists of married couples, unmarried men and women. I some how let myself get involved with another women and the sex was great and also other men, three somes and more. I'm really enjoying the sexual freedom. I think my husband knows whats going on but he doesn't say anything about it.
Maybe I sound like a slut but I'm a very sexual person and all this sex has made me feel like a real person again. I'm still legally married to my husband but have alot of sex on the side."

Do you read?

WOW.

Some "friend" you are.

If you haven't figured that out in 18 years, I doubt you will now. Thinking there must be something good about him if you're still there. Is there?

Cancel your engagement and wedding plans to begin with. Then either work on the rest, if you want to, or move on. Do NOT expect him to change. Do NOT get it in your head that your ministrations will "bring him back." I'm sure he's a fine fellow. I doubt that covers the ground for you.

For some women, this would be no big deal. From what you wrote, you appear to be a normal, healthy young woman for whom this condition would not be acceptable in a spouse.

Would you say "why didn't he talk to me about this", or "I didn't realize it was that bad" or what? Would you be angry with him for attempting to solve the problem, or at least get his jollies, by seeing someone else behind your back?

Your guilt is telling you something.

You offer to correspond with MPatt via email. I question your motives if, in fact, you are a man, which I believe you are. In my opinion no woman would ever use an email address like that. Yet you offer to discuss intricate sexual activities via email with MPatt.

Remember folks - err on the side of caution. The internet is a wonderful thing but can be slimy and dangerous if you're not cautious.

I read Hello's post and thought "wow this could have been written by my girlfriend"...she is open about all kinds of stuff and always looking to spice things up a bit. Don't assume because someone is sexually open and experimental and likes porn, they must be a guy. My GF and me are about 75 miles apart and really only see each other on the weekends because of work, our kids, etc., and i can tell you sometimes when I call her at night and say "what ya doing?" she will come right out and say "surfing porn" - LOL! I love how she does not feel she has to repress this side of her.!

My (perhaps erroneous) assumption had nothing to do with the sexual openness or appetite for porn.

Reconsider what you wrote and come back and tell us what you think. Issue before marriage....but you married anyway. Issue for 20 years during marriage....but you stayed. Issue right now....but you're still there. Plus the family issues. Apparently you've become accustomed. Surely there must be something worthwhile going on.

What would "help" look like to you right now?

Why didn't you address this issue 2 years and 8 months ago? And, maybe reconsider marrying a bad alcoholic?

I truly hope that things go well for you, but I don't have a lot of hope for your happiness. Whether you should feel unattractive or that you're doing something wrong isn't, in my opinion, the point. But since it seems to be what you're concerned about, I'd say no, that's not the problem. Try to not feel that it is you and see if you can get to the root of the problem.