Being in a relationship such as this one, can strike mortal blows to one's self esteem. There is no respectable outlet to obtain assurance of your desirability. That doesn't mean that you are lacking in that area. You have to make an active choice not to let your mate's lack of interest define you. Every day make the conscious decision to affirm yourself. Don't let their choice not to engage you in a healthy way control how you view yourself. Don't give your personal Power away. We all know what the definition of a healthy marriage is. Once you come to the realization that you are not the blame for, cannot control the situation or change it all by yourself, you can then restore some balance in your life. There is no point in banging your head against a brick wall. The unegaged partner has to not only want to change but have the drive and persistence to work at it thru whatever medium they then choose. Then, together you can set some goals. However, oftentimes in these situations the problems are long standing with mutual particiation in fights and talks about it with negative results. All of the issues work together to create a complicated maze of issues. I read somewhere that in these situations the sexlessness accounts for 90% of the other problems that the couples complain about. Struggling with this issue impacts upon all the other aspects of married life. For me the teachings of Alanon saved my sanity and gave me new tools that helped me to maintain my marriage. The bottom line is about how you finally decide to choose how you want to live by making an inventory of your life goals and needs. Then choose. Explore all the avenues available to make changes that will help your marriage and work at it. When you reach your "rock bottom", then the time comes to decide. Stay in Peace or go .... hopefully with Peace. Good Luck to all who are dealing with this issue.

My no BS suggestion. Either the problem can be fixed or it can't, but you don't yet know what it is. He may be a homosexual, in which case you can't fix it. Or, he may have a sexual interest that he is too embarrassed to tell you about. Figure it out -- you need to snoop on his computer or into his stash of porn and find out what it is that gets his motor going. It may be something you can use. It is still fantasy, and your reality can push it aside. Given his sweet personality, I would guess that his proclivities are on the submissive side, but he does not have the guts to come out to you. There are lots of ways a woman can tap into that without degrading yourself (just sift on the web past the degrading over the top male fantasy stuff, and find folks who have wrestled with your issue in a real relationship). If he is sincere, the first thing he needs to do is stop self-pleasuring. Within a few days you will look pretty good to him, but if he is getting his release apart from you that will completely dampen his ardor. This could well be a porn addiction case. Take away his computer privileges. Figure out if he is paying for porn sites. Be aggressive - you have a right to be mad, but you can save your marriage if it is saveable. Even if you figure out that his tastes are something you cannot abide, that will make it easier to move out. There are plenty of men that would love to love you, and in your 50s the quality of the men might be better even where their sexual prowess is less than 25 years before.

FWIW...I've been close to a number of these situations over the years. Each situation involved a viable father/son enterprise that did well over the years providing good livings for all concerned as the businesses grew. Here's how it went: Father and son have up-and-running business that they want to leave "off the table" in case something goes wrong in the son's marriage. That's fair enough, right? That's all the pre-nup does, right? What happens when the break-up comes? Because of the proprietary nature of the business, much of the increasing value that could have been paid as wages -- and therefore remained "on the table" during the marriage-- was, instead, plowed back into business equity, which -- according the terms of the pre-nup -- remains "off the table" at break-up time. I'm not saying it was in anyone's heart at the time. Just saying that's what happened in the cases I'm familiar with. In other words, via a pre-nup, your prospective husband will have a built in avenue by which to "hide" assets accumulated during your marriage that you will have agreed in advance -- via the pre-nup -- never to claim your fair share of.....ever. Pre-nups can easily be structured to avoid this. Personally, however, from your description, I have zero doubt that will be the kind of pre-nup you'll be signing when the time comes. Understand the legitimate desire of father/son to "protect" this business. That's fair. Securing your own legitimate interests is fair, too. If there's going to be a pre-nup, STRONGLY suggest you be represented by your own attorney who will better-explain these contingincies to you. It's common as nails. Not suggesting anybody's out to do anybody harm. The situation is what it is. The law says what it says. We're all grown up. Just look at what there is to look at before deciding is all I'm suggesting. Talk to anyone you know with any kind of legal background. They'll tell you the same.

asolo...certainly you must understand that situations involving children can be very complex. Throwing him out may not mean happily ever after for the children. You are tossing out black and white advice...as though it is one size fits all. Can you understand that situations like those described above can leave these women emotionally devastated...as they emotionally deal with the betrayal, the death of their marriage and the family they were building? That the pain of such a betrayal reaches her very core, and affects how she sees and feels about who she is, and herself as a woman? Can you understand that she may have lived in a lovely home, but if she tosses him out, she will be living in a crappy apartment, and find out that friends are all keeping their distance? Can you understand that if she kicks him to the curb, that she loses all control over the influence his latest girlfriend will have in the life of her children? That she will be required by law to ship her beautiful children to "his place" regardless of what is going on at "his place". All one has to do is take the time and read the step parenting forum, and you will understand that his latest girlfriend or new wife may bring a boat load of pain into the life of your children. There are many situations where it is soooo difficult to "go it alone". She may have children with special needs, or no family support, or few friends to help, or lack an education...meaning minimum wage jobs and long hours. She may be struggling with depression and have difficulty caring for her own needs, let alone the demanding needs of her children. We do not know if she struggles with substance issues, etc. etc. etc. Can you see that the easy thing to do is kick him out. The more difficult thing to do is to presevere through this until she is in a better place emotionally, etc. to be a healthy, able parent. So no, this was not a pat on the head, and that was insulting. It was trying to look at a bigger picture, and to understand that black and white thinking is rarely best for the children.