Return to the Marriage Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Posted by tuliplady (My Page) on
Fri, Oct 24, 08 at 13:41

Hi,
I am really grateful for finding this forum. I can see by other posts that I'm not alone. I do need advice though.

My husband's sex drive has been non-existent since we met 9 years ago. I have a very healthy, normal sex drive so as you can imagine this has been a source of frustration and pain for me, but after struggling with this for years I finally accepted the fact that I must live like a nun. The bottom line is I love my husband dearly.

Over the past several years however he has been pulling away from me. Recently he told me he needed more time alone. He works crazy 12 hour shifts and is very seldom at home. I'm alone as much as 5 days / nights a week. I go to bed alone. When I awake, he is sleeping. He gets up and gets ready for work and is gone again. It's like being married to a shadow.

I am an emotionally-articulate, dynamic, vibrant and passionate woman, whereas my husband is muted, even-keeled and guarded. I think I tire him out. But it's so frustrating being married to someone who doesn't communicate with me unless it's about work or sports. I want real intimacy but I don't know how to bridge the gap between us.

Lately I've been all but ignoring him (at his request) and he's more attentive than he's been in years. I hate this though. I feel like I'm playing games. I cry myself to sleep every night. I'm so tired and sad, and I don't know where to turn. Any ideas?


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

You don't say how old both of you are, but do you really want to live the rest of your life the way it is now???

Different personalities attract but it sounds like you two are at extremes. Counseling couldn't hurt if he's willing to try that. You should not have to "play games" in your marriage.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

"My husband's sex drive has been non-existent since we met 9 years ago. I have a very healthy, normal sex drive..."

Did you write this correctly? Assuming you did, I have no idea why you married him in the first place. However, if you're expecting something different from him at this late date, you're being very unreasonable. Stay or go but don't expect changes.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I felt the same while I was with my husband. He was busy and when he was not busy then there was always one way communication about his work. In our 15 years of marriage we never had sex more then once a week and lately it was even 2/3 weeks although we both were healthy.

Just now I have shifted to another country for my work. He told me that after a weeks separation he needed to have sex badly. I do not know the reason behind. Since past 3 years he has diabetes and he just need to control his weight. He blames me that I did not try my best to suit his needs. I never buy lingerie I admit.

I wonder if you try to create romantic atmosphere for him when he is around.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I can definitely feel your pain. It's really frustrating when you want intimacy and your partner does not respond to it. My husband prefers watching his stupid football games than being intimate with me. I have learned to please myself without him. I know that sounds pathetic but I'd rather resort to that than getting someone in replacement.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Let me first say I am a very strong willed person that has raised 2 kids alone for 9 years. I am deeply in love with my husband. I told him before we got married that I need intimacy in our relationship to stay and sex. I will not go without either and it is not up for debation. I do not want a roommate I want a partner in my life. I just put it on the line with him either he steps up and keeps it up or I walk and get it else where. I am not saying I could walk easily it would devaste me. But when we are not connecting 2 yrs later I ask him what is up and that it needs to be fixed. I have been single by choice for 10 years and to live with some one with no intimacy I mine as well go back to it. Needless to say its not an issue. I guess my point is you need to talk to your husband. If you say nothing it won't change sometimes men just don't get hints. If these issues are things that you cannot live without you need to think about leaving. Also I believe that if you marry someone you cannot expect them to change because you say I do. In my eyes you have no right to try and change them when they have always been this way and you knew what you were getting yourself into.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

As nearly as I can tell, there is precisely as much masturbation going on within marriages as without.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

my hubby and i also have sex once every 6 months. i confronted him about it and sais we have a unhealthy marriage and he said sex is just a small part of it but it is a huge part for me. i cant remember when last he kissed me passionately. it does get lonely.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Hello, I'm new to GardenWeb, came here for gardening info and found this forum. To tuliplady, I know exactly how you feel. My husband is 50, I'm 45, married for three years, 2nd for me, 3rd for him. Sex was hot hot hot while we dated. After marriage, it gradually tapered off. Now, we average about one time every three months or so (I think - I used to keep up with it, but no longer), and then I feel like he's doing it just to keep me from complaining. I don't want pity sex, and I dont want it to be always at his whim, as if my desires don't matter whatsoever.

I actually no longer address the issue with him. In the past,I've suggested dr. visits for testosterone checks, counseling, etc. He also has some anger issues. He will not go. He does not need Viagra. When he gets going, it's great. He just has very low desire. He would be fine if I never mentioned it. I'm not a nag. Really, I always speak very reasonably about this with him, or at least I did back when I used to bring it up. I am a very low-drama person, he is high-strung and a very high-drama person. If the roles were reversed, he would not put up with that behavior from me.

I am not overweight or out of shape, I have guys and women tell me how great I look. I wear makeup and always try to look nice. I'm not trying to brag, I just know that sometimes the first thing people will assume if the husband no longer desires the wife is that she's "let herself go".

I too am very lonely and hurt, and while I still love him, his choice to not even try to do something about it hurts very deeply. I have distanced myself the last year or so. To me, that is so sad. I cannot leave him right now due to financial reasons - we both work full time but I am realistic. Life is too short to do without loving and intimacy. I know, it isn't everything, but realistically it is an important part of marriage.

Just know that I feel your pain - for anyone, male or female, having to go through this. If you're not going through it, you have no idea how painful the constant rejection can be.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I understand how you feel! I am going through the same thing. There is no intimacy or anything. He says that it's all my fault. Recently, he got a job 4 hours away and comes home on weekends. I felt a lot of relief just being with the kids during the week without this dark cloud hovering around. He has been REALLY nice since he is away during the week. I thought he may have seen some of his ways, but men are so overconfident that they couldn't possibly see that they are wrong about anything. Now I don't even want him home on the weekends. It is really hard to take steps to divorce. I do keep remembering this charming caring man that I initially met and married...


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

"....men are so overconfident that they couldn't possibly see that they are wrong about anything."

Oh, fine. Here we go again.

By all means get rid of him if the situation is intolerable to you.

And, with that stereotypical attitude, please do not consider re-marriage. At least not to a male.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Ditto Ladies! I feel the exact same way. I have been married for almost 11 years and I feel that there is a lack of intimacy. Sometimes, I wonder if I am the problem. Maybe it is how I choose to view the situation which may cast a more negative light than what really exists. Nonetheless, I
do feel that I am just the picture on the wall. You know, the picture that has been hanging in the foyer that you stop noticing after the first couple of times of looking at it.
It seems that sitting down and having a regular conversation with me is not important. If I go out of town on business, it is not important to try to steal some quiet time for just the two of us. The intimacy seems more mudane versus passionate or genuine. To me, he has always been a great father and a good provider, but I have never really been happy with him as a husband. It is really true that "what he does or don't do while dating is the same behavior that will exist in the marriage." In essence, he was not the most romantic and sexual guy while dating; thus, I can't really expect much more than that during marriage. It sucks! Sometimes, I feel like I really want to find the emotional and sexual void elsewhere; but, I know that it will only create additional problems. Regardless, I am lonely! I am tired of being the one that carries the weight. Marriage is tough! It is work in progress. The question is, how much work are you willing to do and to what end? CR


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Well after reading this I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Same issue as most of you here. I do feel "fooled" My husband and I literally stopped having sex after our honey moon. We had the best sex I have ever experienced in my life which is one of the many reason's I married him. First it was "I just don't feel right doing it while your pregnant." No problem I have heard that woman have experienced this before. Baby comes I'm cleared by the doctor, no sex. I wonder if it's me, maybe because I still have the "I just had a baby" look.

I have tried talking,begging, pleading, I have tried sending risky little video's to his phone. Nothing!!!!!! We have been to counceling, our pastor, tried viagra.... Nothing..... He has even admitted that he knows the problem is his after of course he blamed me at first. Says that he want's to fix our sex life and knows that it's important. Yet he does nothing!!!! He's praying about it.

Believe me I believe in prayer but I also know that if you don't TRY to make a change it isn't going to happen.
He even told me recently that he feels like he fooled me because we had such great sex before and he made me believe that it would be like this always.
I'm young, in my prime as far as sex goes and this is almost entolarable. It's not just the sex. Like many of you it's just affection period. Feels like I'm living with a room mate. He's had a past of drugs and has been clean for 9 years and I know that he has done some pretty riskay things as far as sex goes. He tells me that he doesn't know how to have sex with someone he loves. Not buying it. Think it's another excuse, we had great sex before we were married. That's the one reason I was so happy to get married because it would be to my husband it would be to the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

I've heard others say that alinon may work. I find it hard to accept that I can either accept this sexless, affectionless life or leave. We have kids!!! What do you do. He's a great dad and a great man but I am tired of feeling like I'm kissing my brother. I'm not a sex hound I believe what I'm really missing is the connection that sex is supposed to provide for a married couple!!!!!! At this point however we barely have a connection at all!

Any comments, ideas?


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Bunzel, honestly, have you considered he might be bi-sexual and more on the male side of the coin?

His excuse sounds like just that. I think he needs counseling.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I actually can't belive what I am reading. I am coming from the male perspective..I am in the same situation, no intimacy, no sex, etc..I get charity sex once every 2-3 months for about 5 minutes or so then she asks me if I can hurry and finish. I'm not sure what the issue is really. I take care of myself and I am in good shape, I completely evolve my world around her, and yet the mere mention of sex or even flirting with her about it makes her yawn. I'm not sying I'm model material but there are plenty of women who check me out...and the sex was 2-3 times a day every day before we got married. If I go elsewhere for sex I would be considered a cheater and she would divorce me instantly and run my name through the mud with my famiy and the kids, but if I even talk about it she changes the subject or acts like I'm some sort of freak. What gives?

I guess I'm just saying that there are us guys lacking intimacy too. I don't understand the men who won't have a "relationship" and make love to their wives...Why can't my wife be like you all?


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Woodchuck I agree, where are all these women coming from? Why can't I find a wife that is desperate for sex? These women are like unicorns, I almost don't believe they exist! I am in the same boat as you. It's been over a month since my wife and I had sex and I don't feel like there's an end in sight. Granted we are going through some things, but I feel like this might be my new reality. Seems like it's one or the other, either the man or wife stops wanting it. What the hell? Are all marriages this way? Does it have to be this way? I'd LOVE to hear from a couple that's been married 25 years and still has passion. I want to believe that exists out there.

I'm with you on the charity sex. Maybe that's what my wife is doing for me, but I don't know why she doesn't want it more. I take care of her (if you know what I mean) and I am very attentive. I do things most men probably don't, and I know for a fact her ex (for 9 years) only worried about himself. Anyways, she's kinda always been prudish, but still, it's definitely gotten less of late.

I hear you. I flirt with my wife, look at her, stare at her (maybe it's a bit creepy sometimes, but still) and she just blows me off. She hates it. I don't get it. I'm trying to keep it interesting. If I didn't do those things she'd probably start to miss it. Well, most women would, but I honestly don't think she would.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Hmm, another womans point of view. sex has tapered off dramatically with my husband and myself the past few years. In the past I enjoyed our sex life tremendously, but his uber focus on my breasts even when I've have told him repeatedly that it's becoming a turn off when that's all he sees-along with an increasing lack of intimacy in our general day to day life together has me for the first time in my adult life turned off to sex altogether as well as withdrawing from him on an emotional level.

I love this man very much and am extremely attracted to him. I have told him this bothers me so many times and also my breasts get painful at times from a couple of cysts I have so they can be really sensitive-he seems to not understand this? I had an abnormal finding on my mammogram last year and was terrified of what would be if I had to have a mastectomy. I'm not worried he would leave or cheat, but he is so into the boobies I don't think I would ever feel confident in my appearance with him if that happened. So consequently I know I have pulled away from him.

But when a woman feels they are just not connecting on an emotional level and her man see's only certain physical attributes but not the rest of her soul the decrease in sexual desire is sure to follow.

I'm not saying that's your situation, but I know if I felt like I was respected as much as I'm desired by him well I'd probably be feeling a lot more happy in general and thus a lot more interested in having sex. You can't have the deep sexual connection if the same amount of attention isn't given to intimacy and your whole life together. After awhile you just lose hope that you're partner will get it. Which is sad because in other areas of our marriage we have made great strides and gotten stronger and we are both still very attracted to each other.

~Cat


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Wow after reading this I don't feel so alone. Just don't understand it though. My husband hadn't.made a move on me but I get tired of beginning or discussing it and he don't see how it
hurts just say oh it's all about you but can't give me any good reason he don't want to or our marriage isn't based on sex. He knows my past I was sexually deprived & he said that'd never happen all I have to do is ask. Well that ain't working beginning just makes me feel like it pitty sex. I just want back some of the man I fell in love with. We women put up with a lot more than were ever given credit for. So all lady's in pain from no sexual encounters hang in there your not alone.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

i so feel for u...send me an e mail to harry_w_uk@yahoo.com...lets see if we can find some areas to discuss


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Woodchuck and Garek, where do men like you went??? your wives are very lucky to have you!

as for my hubby, i can say hes one lucky guy to have a wife like me! for us, sex b4 marriage is super kinky and fun - we are very adventurous, trying new stuffs and positions - and doing it in different places! we would have sex AT LEAST every other day! don't get me wrong, its not only the sex, but we are very intimate and passionate with each other.

we are now married over a decade, and the lack of sex - most esp intimacy - started about 6months ago. i suppose it may be caused by some (normal) family problems, but we used to have them, and it doesn't affect our intimacy at all... intimacy seem to suck out from my hubby overnight! i tried all sort of stunts; initiating sex on him, giving oral sex, dirty dancing for him,and even resorting to watching porn together, just to get him going! at times i felt self-pity, even dirty and pathetic. i used to hear my girl-friends moaning about their zero sex life, and thinking i will never be like them - but now tides have turned...

similar to the other women in this forum, i had self-doubt, blaming myself most of the time... though i cannot understand why? i can call myself to be physically attractive, i receive constant cat-calls all through my adult life, men in all ages (even women) would stare whenever i walk past them - even the mudane chores like grocery shopping would turn heads; men would constantly flirt with me, and im quite a people person... im also affectionate, have a light personality and quite a charmer... you may think im a bozo, but believe me, i have earned my masters degree as well... i can hold a good conversation, not to mention im also a public speaker... so what gives???

its really frustrating at the same time very confusing... i tried talking to him, but his usual response is (a) hes tired, (b) hes not in the mood, or (c) we just had sex (with a shocked-face) two days ago!!! at times, i longed for sex, when it get to a point of fantasizing doing it with other men...i would dream of hot sex, or would flirt back at other men... but i would feel guilty afterwards...

though this just been going on for the past 6months, it felt like ages! Help!


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

hi there
Im male and married firstly and Ive got to say how odd it is to hear you ladies saying you are alone in a almost sexless marriage.
Ive been married for some 16 years and in the last five or six years our sex life has become almost mil ,I aways thought it was the lady who no longer wanted the cuddles and sex like my wife .my wife has said many times sex is not a thing she enjoys anymore it was just a way to make a family and since we have three children sex is a big NO NO . Im thinking of maybe trying to meet some one in the same sort of problem so not only can we become good friends but also there to share what we need together ,,is this a good or bad idea since ive tried almost everything else ..


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

It's a terrible idea and will end in tears all around. If sex is the dealbreaker for you you need to let your wife know this, and make a clean break before embarking on another relationship.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

thanks colleenoz
thing is we have young kids and i just couldnt break there hearts with the idea of leaving ,,,,so its a sexless life for me the next 8 years in other words i will be too old to want it any more


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Well, I'll tell you now that bringing up kids in a household where one or both parents are unhappy and resentful (as you will become) is more a recipe for disaster IMO than divorce and keeping in touch with your kids (and not being a "Disney Dad). You really need to have serious talk with your wife and lay your cards on the table. Otherwise you will spend the next 8 years miserable and resentful of your wife and eventually your children for being the tie that keeps you in an unhappy relationship. Not fair on anyone.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Hi colleenoz
well thankyou all for your thoughts and it seemed to me to that i should (put my cards on the table) and i had a long talk with my wife ,,,,,New years eve she told me best we go our own ways as from the new year ...Im now to be single in a sexless life ,,,,,guys be careful for what you wish it may be better to be with out the sex than alone
nick


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Oh nicky nicky .... stop having a pity party. From the sounds of what your marriage was like, you are better off to be out of it. I've been divorced for 6+ years and have rebounded very well thank you and am happy. I have 50% custody of my two kids, see them nearly every day, get along with my ex wife (now...wasn't easy at first) and have a great GF that I've been with for almost 5 years now. I am way happier living like this than being in a marriage if I was miserable in it.

If you are going to have that attitude going into the next phase of your life, you WILL be miserable. Be as involved with your kids as you can, put all the sh*t with your wife behind you to the best of your ability, and get on with your life. You only have one shot at life, don't go thru it all pissed of and miserable.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

What mkroopy said. You're only alone at this instant, who knows what the future will bring? (Though with that attitude ATM single women will not exactly be flocking to you.) Be happy and confident, keep in contact with your children in a meaningful, everyday way, and you may well find this time next year you're with another partner and happier than you ever were. Just be sure you don't hook up with someone who isn't 100% supportive of your relationship with your children.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

After reading all of the posts listed here, I suddenly feel inclusion. The problem is that I get more of this feeling with complete strangers than I do with my fiance. I know most people would say to leave. I don't want to leave him. I want to work through our differences and problems. He does not seem to be very affectionate with me unless it is on his terms. He first claimed that it was bc of my weight or my smell. He finally admitted 6 months later that it is NOT me and he has a problem in the sex department altogether. I know that I could lose a few pounds...but I am still a beautiful woman. (Inside and out) as far as my smell...I never had any complaints before him. I recently discovered that he was having an affair recently. I am seriously trying to cope. I feel emotionally drained everyday. He seems to be truly sorry yet he still does not show much affection. I don't know what to do. Please advise.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

After reading all of the posts listed here, I suddenly feel inclusion. The problem is that I get more of this feeling with complete strangers than I do with my fiance. I know most people would say to leave. I don't want to leave him. I want to work through our differences and problems. He does not seem to be very affectionate with me unless it is on his terms. He first claimed that it was bc of my weight or my smell. He finally admitted 6 months later that it is NOT me and he has a problem in the sex department altogether. I know that I could lose a few pounds...but I am still a beautiful woman. (Inside and out) as far as my smell...I never had any complaints before him. I recently discovered that he was having an affair recently. I am seriously trying to cope. I feel emotionally drained everyday. He seems to be truly sorry yet he still does not show much affection. I don't know what to do. Please advise.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

After reading all of the posts listed here, I suddenly feel inclusion. The problem is that I get more of this feeling with complete strangers than I do with my fiance. I know most people would say to leave. I don't want to leave him. I want to work through our differences and problems. He does not seem to be very affectionate with me unless it is on his terms. He first claimed that it was bc of my weight or my smell. He finally admitted 6 months later that it is NOT me and he has a problem in the sex department altogether. I know that I could lose a few pounds...but I am still a beautiful woman. (Inside and out) as far as my smell...I never had any complaints before him. I recently discovered that he was having an affair recently. I am seriously trying to cope. I feel emotionally drained everyday. He seems to be truly sorry yet he still does not show much affection. I don't know what to do. Please advise.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Well, if he will not be affectionate with you yet is having an affair with someone else, I really doubt you will be able to work through your differences without his cooperation, which it doesn't look like you'll get.
As much as you love those size eight shoes, if your foot is a size ten you will never wear them unless you cut off some of your foot aka Cinderella's stepsisters. Similarly as much as you love this "fiance" unless you are willing to settle for a lot less than you want (and honestly, why should you?) you will never be happy. There has to be a better fit out there for you.
I honestly think that if you cut this one loose you will feel like the man beating his head against a brick wall- it feels so good when you stop.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

It's sad to see how much loneliness and pain people are feeling. All I can say is marriage isn't easy - especially in today's culture.

I think one of the hardest things for people to do is to take the risk of communicating - not only in marriage but overall. We're conditioned for compliance and none of us (well most of us) don't like confrontations. But open communication is vital for a good relationship of any kind - how much more for marriage.

I'm coming up on 32 years of marriage and we almost never made it past 10. During that time there were several times we almost called it quits.

The most important principles for marriage I've learned are what's called the "3 C's" of marriage (to make them easier to remember I guess). I first heard of them from a radio minister named Adrian Rogers about 20 years ago. They stand for: Commitment, Communication, and Compromise. BTW, communication is also extremely important for a good sex life because what is sex? It's the most intimate sharing and vulnerability a couple can experience. What happens in the bedroom is a reflection of what happens out. At least for my wife and I. So - communicate, communicate, communicate.

I hope things get better for everyone.

Here is a link that might be useful: We support married life


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Iam frustrated of my husband . Actually i will speka about his charecter first. He treats wife as a servant maid, he doesnt have any opinion ,"wife is der to cook and serve him and give birth to children, he behaves very politely and but inside he is a big sadist, he behaves as if he is very nice towards me infront of the society but he tortures me with his behaviour and words, he doesnt beat but his behaviour his opinions and jis words hurts me a lot. mine was a big story of sorrows after my marriage. there is a big story behind my sorrows. If any body is ready to give councilling to me i will be ready to explain my story . plzzz help me or else i have sucidal tendencies plz any body ready to give me councilling iam ready to explain my story plzzzz do help me or esle i will go mad . plz reply to my email ammo.noppi@gmail.com, i would be ready to explain my story plzzzzzzz


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Just leave. If you are that unhappy anything would be better than staying.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Just a theory of mine but it seems when it's the woman whose not interested in sex it usually involves a build up of resentments towards the husband over time, where he's either disappointed or let her down so much (over time) she's filled with contempt toward him and not interested in "being used" for sex.

For men it's usually he's avoiding sex over "performance" issues. If a man feels in any way inferior or inadequate, or, if he believes that even his best efforts won't satify his wife's desires his natural tendency is to avoid it rather than consciously deal with the issue that he's feeling inadequate. Men don't like to think they're inadequate, or maybe not up to par compared to other men. Most won't face it. It scares them. They'd rather be in denial (or avoid) rather than think they don't measure up.

To me at some levels it's no harder to figure out than that men and women think and communicate differently. A woman wants to know she is loved. A man wants to know he is respected. If what each wants and needs isn't being communicated in a way that they "get it", they're going to feel deprived and unhappy. And that carries over into the bedroom.

Plus, men are driven for an orgasm, women want one too but they want to take their time getting there and enjoy the closeness and intimacy. I've even heard women say they don't have to have an orgasm every time to enjoy sex. You won't hear that out of very many men I promise. So a man and woman are already starting out with different "clocks" and different goals. (How long and why).

I for one think there are as many out of the bedroom issues for a woman losing interest in sex than in the bedroom. Although that's also true to some degree for men, I believe most men's issues are based on how they evaluate how well they are pleasing their wife in the bedroom. And in most cases I believe failure (even if only perceived rather than actual) equals avoidance.

One last thing ... before anyone writes and says it's nothing like I've described in their situation I'm already aware of that. I'm just speaking in generalities based on observation and experience.

Plus, there are also situations where it's purely physical. But I doubt that accurately describes most cases.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

My interest in gardening lead me to Gardenweb and I discovered this forum. Tuliplady your story touched my heart as I suffer the same sadness although I am a man.
My wife has steadily over the past 30 years gradually lost interest. Se shows no affection at all although I constantly tell her I love her and give her cuddles that are not appreciated.

I have always loved the countryside and would love to buy a house and some land. She has always refused to move, giving the excuse that her parents lived near us and she would miss them. Both our parents are now dead and as I inherited my parents estate we are in a position to move house and live a comfortable life.

My 55th year is approaching and I love my wife dearly but do not wish to live in misery for the rest of my remaining years on this earth. My son says I should sell up move to the woods and buy a dog for company. I cant leave because I love her but I don't think she has any love for me.

Vrs1 Your comments that men are worried about performance are surely not valid for people who have been married for several years. It is not a first date so who are they trying to impress. You say men are driven for orgasm but orgasm is nothing without love and affection.

Tulip lady , I think the only way we can achieve true loyalty,love and affection if we wish to stay with our partners is to buy dog for company.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I live in beautiful Sydney....and started reading this site when looking for an advice on struggling worms in my otherwise healthy compost.....only to find this forum.

I read almost all the entries to this post and feel like screaming loud!! I have been suffering in silence for so long, eight years of declining intimacy and affection .. and like Mr Statex in the last post - I now feel like that's it, that's for life, for ever.

I tried everything possible to reclaim back the beautiful love and respect and affection and compassion ot the first few months of our relationship - I did talking, spicing, ignoring, improving, fighting, biting nails, avoiding, crying, smiling, softly softly, hysterically... well everything except councelling and psychiatry.

I am in my healthy and strong 50's, too soon for me to give up and give in. Any Aussie out there? Anyone for a chat about what to do??


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Hi Hanka

Perhaps if you did a new posting for yourself, it might get a better response.

Always good to unload here, lots of good advice is forthcoming.

I am intrigued as to the response from your DH about your highlighting this problem over the years ?


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I feel your pain!

I was in a past marriage for 10 years! Our sex life was also zero towards the end of our relationship? My X told me I need help as I was too needy and that wasn't healthy for a relationship?

I couldn't be adventurous either? To be honest I felt like I was abnormal and couldn't be myself with him in the bedroom? He made me feel like I seriously needed counselling!

After many hours of fighting the endless battle, we separated! I was gutted! A man I really truly loved and would do anything for! But I wasn't happy and new I would eventually stray with curiosity!

I'm now with my new husband who after 10 years is still adventurous and happy to have sex at least 4 times a week!
No sex just doesn't cut it in my book!

Nothing beats that feeling you get in the bedroom with someone that can keep you feeling good and satisfied!

I wish all of you guys and gals the best of luck!


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Hello all. I have been reading these posts and just have to laugh. I am a man married to a woman who has had no sex drive now for over twelve years. it is hard being faithful believe me. I do feel my willpower waning though. Please don't feel insulted or take this the wrong way, but man I almost wish I could meet up with some of you guys.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Wrong website. See Craigslist.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

@ amyfiddler. I meant that as a joke. I was just venting my frustrations as the women are venting theirs. that is why I said "Please don't feel insulted or take this the wrong way, but man I ALMOST wish I could meet up with some of you guys.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

And lots of people in cyberworld take that as an invitation, surely you are aware of that. And it's not 100% a joke, there's some real pain in your statement.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I'm so surprised to read that I am not the only person going through this. My husband and I have had sex twice in the last year and it is not for my lack of wanting to. We've only been married for eight years and used to be intimate at least a few times a week. I'm not even sure when it all started to go down hill. I just woke up one day and realized that I was in a sexless marriage and could find no justification for it. Of course I've discussed this with my husband numerous times but we either argue or have sex which I feel he does so he doesn't have to talk about it. He started out blaming me saying it was my fault because I wasn't the same person any more. He said I was negative. I went out of my way to be nice and smile constantly but that wasn't the reason. He would then just say, "things will get better, we just have to give it time." Now he says we're at different points in our lives where he's older and just isn't as interested as he used to be. He's only 35 years old! But I did ask him to see a doctor for blood work and even made the appointment for him. He made absolutely no effort to go and said he didn't feel anything was wrong with him. Then I asked him to go to counseling (both of us) but he thinks we can work it out on our own and won't go. The problem is that nothing is working out. Now, I have not cheated on him but during our last discussion on this subject two weeks ago, and in an effort to help him realize how important and serious this is, I asked him if he thought it was okay for a spouse to cheat when they had done everything in their power fix the problem. Of course he said no but once upon a time defended a friend for cheating on his girl for the same reason. I asked him what he thought a spouse in a situation like that should do then when they have tried everything else. He said to go make a couple of purchases at the Adam and Eve store! I am at my wits end with this and don't know what else to try. I don't want to walk away because we have a young daughter but she is the only reason I stay at this point. I do care about him but I feel like he is being so selfish and maybe doesn't want to work it out.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

Maybe he doesn't, Petunia. Perhaps everything is just the way he wants it.
As an aside, I would say that staying together "for the sake of the children" is a mistake if as a result the children are living with an undercurrent of resentment and hostility in the home. Apart from anything else they grow up thinking unhappy relationships are the norm.
One poster in an unhappy marriage with a husband resistant to counselling finally told him, "I've made an appointment with a counsellor at ___ on ___day. You can come with me and we can work out how to save our marriage, or I can go alone and work out whether I want to save our marriage." Either way you've officially put your husband on notice that you aren't happy and something has to change (even if it's your own feelings/attitude). At the very least it will help you to clarify your thoughts.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

This was posted a long time ago. I am just curious to know if you are still in this relationship.

This post was edited by Daisy1968 on Sun, Sep 22, 13 at 21:44


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I am suffering the same fate only in reverse. Perhaps knowing my situation might shed some light on your own. My wife and I met and were intimate regularly until just before we were married. She seemed to not want to be together as much. As a defense mechanism, I shut down my biological urge. For 10 years we were intimate once a month at best. It is fair to say that I was a heavy drinker then and was more interested in martinis than anything else. My mother passed away two years ago and my drinking reached a fever pitch. The day she passed, I decided I would quit. And I did and have been completely sober for two years now. However, at the same time my wife told me that she didn't feel close to me anymore. As much as I needed her, both emotionally and physically, she was not there for me. So it is two years later, I am a sober new person and have not had an intimate relationship with her this whole time. I understand that getting past my idiocy may have taken her a while. But I told her the day we had the discussion that once you put up a block, the other person needs to put up a block. And that once that happens, it is very difficult to recover. So, as it stands, we are roommates who share a five year old daughter. I sleep on the couch. There are moments of interest but they fade rapidly. Neither of us want a divorce. But from my perspective, married life should offer more.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I am not married, by choice. I have been with a man whom I love very much for 7 years. And like many of you out there, our relationship lacks intimacy. We hadn't gotten off in about 3 years. I tried talking but he brushed me off with something like, "I'm trying, it will be better." But he's not trying and it is not better. I wish he would talk to me what his problem is. Why wouldn't he tell me??

I am 40 and I cannot live like this anymore. It is not just sex. It's the feeling of being wanted. I missed being touched like a woman. So, I cheated on him. I do feel terrible but not as terrible as waking up one day, a few years later, and hating myself for not acting upon it. Life is short and I am determined to savour every bit of it.

It is true that I may never find anyone like him, he has a heart of gold, but he is not being fair to me. What would you do?


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I would leave him, not betray him by having an affair.

Think of it in reverse. What would you want him to do if you were the one not interested in intimacy? Would you want him to leave you or would you be fine with him having an affair?

We're all different, and what I would choose may not be what you'd choose.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I have been married 13 years. I really love him, but he isn't even trying to be intimate with me. It's not performance anxiety, it's not that I'm not sexy for him, or that he is interested in someone else. I think he knows that I'm not going anywhere, and he feels that he doesn't have to be intimate if he doesn't want to. It wasn't like this in the beginning, he use to be very intimate and the sex was great. I don't want to get a divorce, he is my best friend, and I love him. If I knew that it was some kind of medical or mental reason why he couldn't be intimate with me, I could accept that and I would support him. But it's nothing like that, he just refuses to cuddle or kiss me passionately or hold me like he use to. We still have sex once or twice a week. But it's sex and that's it. I feel as though he is a business partner that uses me for sex, then we go back to the bills and responsibilities. I don't think I can do it, not when it's something so simple. I see other couples hugging and kissing all the time and I wonder why I can't have that in my relationship. Why do I have to wonder what it would feel like for someone to hold me like that, when I am already married. Any advice?


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I found this site when I finally decided to do a search to see if I could find some help for feeling so alone..I'm glad that I found somewhere to vent but I'm also sad that others are having to deal with similar situations. I've been married for almost 17 years and we have not had an intimate relationship for over 10 years. I'm so lonely for even a passionate kiss and I can't even remember how it feels to have a man touch me romantically. The last couple of times we did have sex, he lost his erection during it. He seemed to be interested in finding out what was wrong and went to the doctor for tests and medication. After working on the problem for a few weeks, he just stopped - no more doctor visits and no more sex. I am past initial shock and hurt and now I'm just trying to live with it. I'm 46 and I never thought that I would be facing this stage of my life married but celibate. I knew when we first got together that I was more adventurous and daring in the bedroom - he is a strictly missionary man - and I was okay with it, but I didn't expect the sex to totally disappear. I know there is masturbation to fulfill the need for an orgasm but that doesn't satisfy the desire to feel a man kiss and touch me and physically satisfy my needs. I am trying to hold out for my youngest child to get through school and leave for college before I do anything drastic but there is so much tension between us and I know the kids can feel it...I'm not sure if I'm making it worse by staying. I'm glad I found this forum to be able to get some of this out, even though there is no real answer - it helps to see that I'm not as alone as I thought.


 o
RE: Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated

I face the same things many of you ladies are going through. no intimacy facebook games are more important to her then me. my wife is dead from the neck down! I have talked and talked and emailed her when she didn't want to talk. she won't kiss or hug I can be gone for two weeks and come home and she won't even give me kiss or hug. Sex what Sex I have to make an appointment for that.
I've had enough! nothing is going to change so it's time to move on. One tall guy in the cariboo area of British Columbia up for grabs.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Marriage Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here