My husband's sex drive has been non-existent since we met 9 years ago. I have a very healthy, normal sex drive so as you can imagine this has been a source of frustration and pain for me, but after struggling with this for years I finally accepted the fact that I must live like a nun. The bottom line is I love my husband dearly.

Over the past several years however he has been pulling away from me. Recently he told me he needed more time alone. He works crazy 12 hour shifts and is very seldom at home. I'm alone as much as 5 days / nights a week. I go to bed alone. When I awake, he is sleeping. He gets up and gets ready for work and is gone again. It's like being married to a shadow.

I am an emotionally-articulate, dynamic, vibrant and passionate woman, whereas my husband is muted, even-keeled and guarded. I think I tire him out. But it's so frustrating being married to someone who doesn't communicate with me unless it's about work or sports. I want real intimacy but I don't know how to bridge the gap between us.

Lately I've been all but ignoring him (at his request) and he's more attentive than he's been in years. I hate this though. I feel like I'm playing games. I cry myself to sleep every night. I'm so tired and sad, and I don't know where to turn. Any ideas?

Different personalities attract but it sounds like you two are at extremes. Counseling couldn't hurt if he's willing to try that. You should not have to "play games" in your marriage.

Did you write this correctly? Assuming you did, I have no idea why you married him in the first place. However, if you're expecting something different from him at this late date, you're being very unreasonable. Stay or go but don't expect changes.

Just now I have shifted to another country for my work. He told me that after a weeks separation he needed to have sex badly. I do not know the reason behind. Since past 3 years he has diabetes and he just need to control his weight. He blames me that I did not try my best to suit his needs. I never buy lingerie I admit.

I wonder if you try to create romantic atmosphere for him when he is around.

I actually no longer address the issue with him. In the past,I've suggested dr. visits for testosterone checks, counseling, etc. He also has some anger issues. He will not go. He does not need Viagra. When he gets going, it's great. He just has very low desire. He would be fine if I never mentioned it. I'm not a nag. Really, I always speak very reasonably about this with him, or at least I did back when I used to bring it up. I am a very low-drama person, he is high-strung and a very high-drama person. If the roles were reversed, he would not put up with that behavior from me.

I am not overweight or out of shape, I have guys and women tell me how great I look. I wear makeup and always try to look nice. I'm not trying to brag, I just know that sometimes the first thing people will assume if the husband no longer desires the wife is that she's "let herself go".

I too am very lonely and hurt, and while I still love him, his choice to not even try to do something about it hurts very deeply. I have distanced myself the last year or so. To me, that is so sad. I cannot leave him right now due to financial reasons - we both work full time but I am realistic. Life is too short to do without loving and intimacy. I know, it isn't everything, but realistically it is an important part of marriage.

Just know that I feel your pain - for anyone, male or female, having to go through this. If you're not going through it, you have no idea how painful the constant rejection can be.

Oh, fine. Here we go again.

By all means get rid of him if the situation is intolerable to you.

And, with that stereotypical attitude, please do not consider re-marriage. At least not to a male.

I have tried talking,begging, pleading, I have tried sending risky little video's to his phone. Nothing!!!!!! We have been to counceling, our pastor, tried viagra.... Nothing..... He has even admitted that he knows the problem is his after of course he blamed me at first. Says that he want's to fix our sex life and knows that it's important. Yet he does nothing!!!! He's praying about it.

Believe me I believe in prayer but I also know that if you don't TRY to make a change it isn't going to happen.
He even told me recently that he feels like he fooled me because we had such great sex before and he made me believe that it would be like this always.
I'm young, in my prime as far as sex goes and this is almost entolarable. It's not just the sex. Like many of you it's just affection period. Feels like I'm living with a room mate. He's had a past of drugs and has been clean for 9 years and I know that he has done some pretty riskay things as far as sex goes. He tells me that he doesn't know how to have sex with someone he loves. Not buying it. Think it's another excuse, we had great sex before we were married. That's the one reason I was so happy to get married because it would be to my husband it would be to the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

I've heard others say that alinon may work. I find it hard to accept that I can either accept this sexless, affectionless life or leave. We have kids!!! What do you do. He's a great dad and a great man but I am tired of feeling like I'm kissing my brother. I'm not a sex hound I believe what I'm really missing is the connection that sex is supposed to provide for a married couple!!!!!! At this point however we barely have a connection at all!

Any comments, ideas?

His excuse sounds like just that. I think he needs counseling.