Glad to see you over here Hello --
To other GW readers: There was a long thread on another forum with lots of additional info

And of course you're feeling sad. Your dream of happily ever after is dying, and that's a sad thought. You went into this marriage planning for it to be forever, and once upon a time, you fell in love with this man. So doubtless, he has many fine qualities in addition to the ones you can't live with.

But don't let your sadness and uncertainty weaken your resolve. You're doing the right thing for yourself and your child. The qualities you can't live with are real and serious and they won't change. You could hang out in this marriage so long that there is absolutely no doubt in your mind. You know already that this would happen, possibly soon -- but that would be both dangerous and destructive.

So don't. Move forward. Don't allow yourself to wallow in the "what if's" unless you give equal footage to the negative "what if's". Don't allow yourself to swim in the happy memories without replaying the bad ones as well. Move forward.

Hope you get some good advice here and can find the ear you need --

sweeby good to hear from you too.

The sadness is so overwhelming. I feel that I have to fight it each minute otherwise I won't be able to function. If I don't have a job to go to, I will just lie down all day and cry.

The past few years seem like such a blur. I don't know if I am happier alone. I feel so lonely. I don't know how we get to this point. I don't know if sadness has stages but I guess I am past the stage of being angry at him. I am just sad, very very sad.

Hi helloworld,

It is a hard thing to come to terms with. No matter how crappy things get, it's still an ending. And we all don't like things to end. We are creatures of habit and even when we know in our hearts it's the right thing to do, it's just overwhelming.

You will feel sad...that's only normal. You'll probably go through quite a few emotions. Remember, every human being is worthy of happiness and yours WILL come.

It's very brave of you to realize it's just not working.
Keep posting and talking to people.

Hugs from one human being to another.

Good grief, the last we heard he had knocked two holes in the wall. What else did he do?
Its thanks to your previous thread that I found this forum. Its more interesting than Dr. Laura. Of course so would having my teeth drilled, but thats another story.
I'm glad you decided to move on. It is difficult, every change is hard. Please remember that you can have pleasant memories. Thats not to say that going back would bring you more pleasant memories. Good luck. We are here to encourage you. Remember what I said before about the daisies.

Do not allow yourself to wallow in this, because its robs you of energy, peace, and hope. Come up with a game plan, and you will find hope for a better future. Get excited about what you want your future to look like, and go step by step building it. In response to your previous thread on this and your concern about your house selling, I will mention the following:

Several years ago a friend was in an unhappy marriage and tons of homes were on the market. A realtor told her she would have a very difficult time selling her home, because a huge manufacturing plant had relocated, and so many were transferred to the new plant opening up several hundred miles away, and all of those homes glutted the market. Interest rates were very high at that time, and people were giving their furniture away with the sale to entice buyers. Against all odds, her home sold in 7 days. She too was sad, and a 3rd friend was so harsh with her and told her to get over it. And you know, she did. She built an entire new life. She did not have any children though, so she had zero contact with her ex. I know absolutely nothing about what I am going to tell you, and I do not know if this is a catholic belief or where it came from, but years ago I heard of people who go to a catholic religious store and get a statue of some saint and bury it in the yard if you need your house to sell quickly. I think it matters what direction the statue is buried...and again, I personally do not believe in this, or know of any of the details about this...perhaps someone else does. I have no idea if it actually would work, but pray for peace and wisdom as you make decisions that will affect your child for years to come. I do not know your history, or his, and I can tell you that I was extremely bothered by his comment that because you did not obey his command, that he was going to punch a hole in the wall for every minute that you are late. His viciousness towards you if scary. Was it just a really bad day on his part, or is there some way of getting him into anger management classes where he learns self contol, while you two live seperately for awhile? Because I believe so strongly in the family, I am usually hoping that peoples behavior can be relearned, and change the dynamics within a family. However, I absolutely draw the line on someone capable of violence and abuse. It makes for an awful atmosphere for "anyone" to live in, especially children. Children and you should feel safe. They should know that whatever they have to deal with in school or wherever...that home is a safe and happy place to be.

Thanks wanda9fl, marge727 and bnicebkind!

What bothers me is he is acting like nothing happened. He's coming back tomorrow after a 2 weeks business trip and I am really stressed. I have a plan but I am not sure it will work. I will just try to pretend nothing happened and try not to provoke him. Then try to sell the house this coming Spring and once it's sold, I will move to another State with my kid if he agrees.

However, I am very stressed that he's coming home tomorrow. I think his anger has esculated since we bought this house. He never wanted to buy the house and feels that he's now forced to contribute to it. When we had arguments before, we were on equal grounds. Since we bought this house, he always tells me to shut up otherwise he will destroy the house. So our relationship for the past year was I am the child, he's the parent. He just keep yelling and screaming at me.

Now, things has esculated to the point where even if I don't fight with him, he will keep pushing me and pushing me. Like when he destroyed the house, that was because I left and didn't want to hear him yelling at me. Screaming at me no longer satisfies him, so he started destroying things valuable to me to hurt me. 3 weeks ago he also took off and left me locked out of the house knowing I don't have the keys.

Thanks for letting me vent.

What is it about the house that makes him so angry?
1. Was he not ready for the responsibility a house brings?
2. Did he want a different house, or one located somewhere else, but you "won"?
3. Was he planning on leaving and the house just trapped him in further?
4. Is it in a neighborhood he does not like?

Why does he want to destroy something that costs so much? It sounds as though it makes him feel trapped. That the mortgage payments and bills overwhelm him.

Was he abusive before you two bought the house? Do you beleive that he has been abusive through much of your relationship?

Is he dangerous to your child? The reason I ask is because you mentioned taking your child out of state, and away from his/her father. Does your husband love and care for his child? Is being a father important to him? I understand how you feel, and I would want to do the same. And yet, does he not have as much right to be an active part of his childs life as you do? What if he was secretly planning to leave the state with your child, and the two of them built a life far away from you? Can you understand what that must feel like? Do you have the right to do such a thing? Did you have your father in your life?

Obviously, you need to understand his anger. Is he dangerous to your child, or is he just really angry over this house, or his marriage, etc. Does he want to be a father to your child? What kind of father is he? Is he sweet and loving with the child, or irritable and harsh? You have alot to think about before you ever take a child away from his/her parent. Think about how important your family is to you even as an adult. Can you understand that a parent/child relationship is very, very important? obviously, if he really does not want to be a father to this child, and is dangerous to the welfare of your child, then you need to be concerned.

bnicebkind Thanks. We have so much history I don't know where to begin.

About the house, yes I win but now I lose. He wanted to move to the West coast (California) but I don't think we can afford a decent house in the bay area. He told me he can arrange his job to work from home. So we bought a house in the East coast. Now he's telling me he actually lied to me about working from home in the East coast and he must move. He's stressed because he has to rent an apartment in the West and pay for the mortage in the East.

He also cheated on me in 2004. That's actually what prompts me to buy this house in the East because he was planning on buying a house with the mistress in NY.

So my question to is why is it okay to buy a house with the mistress in NY (East coast) and not okay to buy a house with me and my kid now?

I just want my kid, and be divorce now. However I don't think I can get out easily. His step-brother is an attorney.

I thought he was coming home yesterday and I just can't stop crying. He didn't come. I don't know where he is right now but I don't care. At least I am safe.

I don't know why he would do this. If he can't live in the East coast because of his job, he should have told me. He shouldn't lie to me and ended up buying this house. I just don't understand. If he told me he absolutely need to move to California, I would have said Yes.

I don't know. I just want out at this point.

He sure is good at getting you to accept the blame...

Surely, he signed the papers to buy the house in the East. If he couldn't, didn't want to, or felt it was not the best move, he could have said so. Should have said so. Should have outright refused! And the fact that he was going to buy a house with his mistress in the East certainly undercuts his argument that the East is YOUR fault.

And what about this mistress? That would certainly damage his prospects for a favorable divorce settlement. How much proof do you have? And do you have a good lawyer yet?

Normally, I'm a peacemaker, and advocate trying to reach an amicable, mediated divorce settlement. Some divorcing spouses are able to work out a split without horrible legal battles... But from what you've said, I wouldn't expect your husband to be one of those spouses. Time to get a lawyer who is able to negotiate, but isn't afraid to be agressive and won't be intimidated. Decide what you want in terms of assets and support. Research how courts in your state customarily rule to be sure your demands are reasonable and supportable. Then get this show rolling --

Helloworld...I understand that you are upset, and his disappearing act only makes the situation more upsetting. But for the sake of your child, you have to pull it together, and wipe the tears and try and stop crying. Take a shower, or bubblebath and fix yourself up so that you feel good about your appearance. Play music that makes you feel happy (NO LOVE SONGS...they will mess up your makeup)!
Do things with your child that make you smile and laugh. If you have a sitter for your child, take a few hours and go to a "funny" movie with a friend, or go and buy something pretty that you feel good in. Regardless of how this all works out...you will be OK! But you must stop crying and find peace in the midst of this storm! You must hold it together emotionally for the sake of your child, and yourself. If you are sleeping too much, and crying all of the time, go to your doctor and ask him if he can give you something to help with the depression.

Thanks sweeby and bnicebkind.

He came back today to pack his clothes and books. He was staying at his parents. I didn't talk to him and he didn't talk to him. I opened the door and he checked on the baby, took a shower, took his stuff and left.

I think he's playing some kind of games. So now I am the bad guy. He's paying the mortgage and he can't stay in the house.

I am getting better though. I took my kid out to see the ducks and run around in the neighborhood. Didn't cry today and didn't feel like sleeping all day either.

I am taking one step at a time.

Helloworld. Take deep breaths when needed. Take care of yourself so you feel good about yourself. Do things with your child that make you laugh and smile. Go for walks with a friend, and take the baby and you out for fresh air! Rent movies that make you laugh! Try to find peace within your spirit through your faith, and in nature/fresh air. Remember, you are going to be OK. Somehow, it all seems to work out. It is not good for you or your baby to spend all day indoors in bed crying. When you are feeling overwhelmed...do one of the above. Remember to breath, and seek peace as best you can for you and your child. When you two are ready to talk, try and be calm, and hear what he has to say, and think. Think all of this through carefully, as the decisions you make at this time will affect your child for years to come. Be wise, calm, and do what is in the best interest of your beautiful child.

What is the true spirit of your husband? Is he a good father to his child? It is usually so much better for a child as it grows up to know both parents. Seek advice from wise people.

Helloworld - I'm sending a link for a book, Learning to Leave. I read it over and over and over when I was leaving my former marriage. It is the most down-to-earth, honest, no BS book I have read on the subject. Really tells it like it is. I urge you to get it now and digest it.

At the bottom of the link are two reviews which you should read. They say exactly how I feel about the book. Good luck.

Carol

Here is a link that might be useful: Learning to Leave

Helloworld and others

One of the things about any long-term breakup is that it's easy to get stuck thinking only about the things you won't have again.

But that's really looking at a tiny side of one coin!

What will be BETTER when you are gone?

Food you pick out will taste better!
Watch whatever TV shows you like.
The radio presets are all your own.
Pick jobs that fit your own life plans and not have to consult/confer with a partner.
Make your own schedule.
Meet and make friends that you alone like.

As soon as you make the mind shift that you are moving on, even while allowing yourself some room to feel sad, these things will all start.

Remember, the world doesn't consist of you and your husband. There are literally billions of us out here...come join us!

aiki

Thanks bnicebkind, Carol and aiki!

Just when I am so mad at him, he got into car accident!

It's minor but he lost some teeth and had surgery today. He's staying at his mother's.

Everything is on hold right now. I haven't seen him and not able to talk much because of this.

I think I will be okay in the end. I don't want to waste anymore time in this and need to move on.

"...move on..."

Yes. By all means, do that!

We talked today and "HE" said he needed to talk to me. He said he wanted a divorce.

Even though I want to divorce him too, it's still a shock because I feel like I am not calling the shot.

I feel that he wins. He moved to his parents house and everyone thinks I am the witch. I am not perfect of course, but I'm not the only one that did wrong.

I am feeling sad all over again.

I can't stop thinking about the movie "The Butterfly Effect".

If I have the chance to go back in time, I will do everything differently.

I have so much regrets and sadness. I feel that my life is over. My marriage is over. Everything is over. I have no one to talk to, everyone is busy with their own life. I am wasting time and wasting my life.

After all, we have had good times together. We have a beautiful child. Now all we have is hate. I can't stand it. My heart is broken into million little pieces.

It's not a competition. It's a circumstance. Nobody "wins" except the attorneys, especially if you decide to be emotional and competitive about it. I strongly advise both of you to avoid that. Sadness and emotionalism is quite natural but also utterly useless. I suggest you get over that at the earliest possible moment.

It's actually a very practical matter. It's happened countless times before and the laws about who gets what have been tested countless times. I would suggest putting your emotions on the shelf and being boreingly rational about it. By all means stay away from the courtroom unless you are left with absolutely no alternative. The judge doesn't want to see either of you. And the court will likely not care much who did or said whatever. You're both adults. Unless one of you is nuts, you should be able to divide the pie equitably and move along. If you can't or won't agree, court proceedings will quadruple your expenses and likely do nothing more than than what you could have on your own. If you think the court is going to recognize your husband's wrongdoing and punish him for it by some means, you may be correct. However, it will cost you so much in attorneys fees and expenses for the chance at having it happen it will most likely be worthless to attempt it.

What "everyone" thinks of you is out of your control. Don't worry about it. Just get the job done as quickly and efficiently as you can.

It's not about money nor child custody. He said he will help me pay for the mortgage until I can sell the house. We agreed on joint custody. I probably didn't word my feelings correctly. My heart is broken because he's so absolutely sure about divorcing me. Even though we don't have a good relationships and everyone tells me to leave him, I am never certain about it.

He didn't want to fight any property, money etc. He just wants to get rid of me. That's what hurts the most.

I have this overwhelming sadness and I can barely function. I feel so alone.

helloworld...this is a time that you reach out to friends and or family for support. If your family is far away, turn to friends...and you may find new friends and alot of support through churches who have support groups to help you during this time...so that you do not feel so alone.

Many churches have a councelor on staff who will council for free, or at a small cost, if you feel you need to talk to someone. It can be such a tremendous help as you walk through this. it can help in your growth, and understanding of what happened, and your response to what was happening in your marriage, and family. Remember, this year will be a growing year for you. Read. Grow. Find peace in the simple things. Find a new friend or two...if she too is single or divorced...you two can support each other. Neither of you can do anything about your past behavior. But you can each take the time to really understand what you would do or say differently if you had to do it over again. And you grow. And you begin to be the person you hope to be. This is a sad time, and your emotions will be up and down as you go through this time. As you have found, you may feel strong one day, and weepy another. But you will be OK. And a day will come when you are able to look back, and you will be able to understand, what you cannot see right now. And time will give you perspective that you seek.

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. They say that we grow and mature the most as we walk through those hard times, and it is what will make you into the person you are growing to be.

Be careful about falling into the trap like so many going through divorce that run around and make some really bad decisions. Try and stay the course and take care of your beautiful child.

I wish you happier days ahead. They will come when you are ready.

Are you doing OK? How is it going?

From my perspective I would breathe a sigh of relief that he wants a divorce. In fact I'd be singing and dancing. What does it matter who brought it up first? So, no huge fight and hopefully you can split amicably. They say that the children are always negatively affected, but maybe you can get through this and least affect your child.
My husband and I are older with health problems and sort of "need" each other. Sometimes I consider us divorced in my head and just go about my business and think, "Oh, you old fool."
He is controlling and just a little verbally abusive, but I never in a million years thought I'd be living this way.
Life is a funny thing. We could be a LOT worse off. It's not a nice way to live, but there must be more than a million women around the world in our shoes. We are homo sapiens, but not rational beings.

bnicebkind Thanks for your concern! I am okay. It's only been 2 weeks since my last post, but I have gained a new perspective.

He moved to his mother's house after he said he wanted a divorce. I was very sad in the beginning, but then I realize I am actually happier. Since he moved out, I am not wasting precious time in petty argument or cleaning up after him. I talked to my mother a couple of times and got tired of talking about him :) I spent time studying and passed a certificate that my boss has asked me to take.

He kept making excuses to come home. We have a child together so I can't not let him come here. Over the past week, I have decided I am better off without him.

And then something happened. He has been staying at his mother's house and last night he came back with our child! They were supposed to be staying at his mother's yesterday. I asked him what happened and he said he had a fight with his mother and sister.

So now he's back home and acted like nothing happened. That's has been our cycle over the past several years so I am sure he thinks that our "fight" is over now. When I asked when is he moving back to his mom tonight, he said he has right to live here since he contributes to the mortgage. He also said he's "giving in" the fight because he doesn't want to argue with me anymore and went upstairs.

I am planning on telling him next week when he is on business trip. I don't want to talk to him about divorce when he's home. I don't want to fight with him anymore and I am scared he may do something crazy.

mollie_booklover, 2 weeks ago I wouldn't understand what you mean. Now I do. Now I wish he would move out and tell me he wants a divorce. I don't know how to bring this up without getting into another fight.

Was his "accident" an event for him to attempt to get back into your good graces? Have you seen an attorney? Have you looked into a "safe house" for you and the child if you fear retribution? You need to take some positive action and stop being reactive.

I don't know, but now I believe in karma.

He punched 2 holes in my walls, and he lost 2 teeth in the accident! He had dental surgery to put in back in place.

I haven't seen an attorney. I now think marriage is just paperwork and so does divorce. His parents were separated for 15 years before they officially divorced when his father remarried.

I just want him to be out of my house and out of my life. I have done some calculations and I think I can make it without his income. It will be very tight but with my savings, I can pay for the mortgage and everything else for 2-3 years. I never go shopping and I am very frugal. He never appreciates me for that. :( If I order a $10 pizza, I can eat that for 3 days. I just need money to pay for my mortgage and my child's preschool.

Maybe I will get a raise (I am spending my time to get all the certifications that my boss asked for), or I will get a second job. I used to think we will have a better life with him, because he makes twice as much as I do. However, he's a compulsive gambler. He will never change. When he has money, he gambles. For the past 8 years since I have known him, he always have debt. When he was making 70K, he had debt. When he's making 140K, he has debt. I have had enough. I don't need fancy car nor fancy house. I just need a stable, and happy life with my child. I think I am able to provide that.

I am waiting for him to be on business trip so I can tell him I want to divorce him. I can't wait. He's not home tonight and I feel so free. I don't have to worry about his temper and when he will snap.

The only thing I regret is why I married him in the first place. I should have seen it coming. I don't want to just maintain the status quo anymore. I am only in my very early 30s. I have a long life ahead of me if God permits, and I just can't live like this anymore.

If he is a compulsive gambler, you have to get a divorce so you don't incure any more of his debts, that is the difference with the "paperwork". It relives you of his debt.

Vickey-Mn

You MUST get some legal advice from a family law lawyer as soon as possible. Don't try to do this yourself. Many will give a free consultation. Vickey is right about you incurring his debts. Your house could very well be at risk as well, then where would you be.

Try to stand back and look at the entire picture. The euphoria you feel right now can deteriorate very quickly when the chips start to fall and you realize that "should have" gotten legal help.

You also have to consider that when you tell him you want a divorce then he returns, he may get violent. You should be prepared, which I addressed in my prior message.

Maybe his parents did stay legally married for many years, but was his father violent? Was he a compulsive gambler? There could be many other reasons for their decision which have nothing to do with your situation. Please rethink your stance.

Carol

How are you doing, Hello?

Any updates?

While he is gone, please go talk to a few attorneys. You need legal advice on how to proceed otherwise this will be a never ending cycle that you and your child live in.

The atty should be able to help you file for temporary child support and possibly spousal support and if needed a restraining order, which from what you posted here and on the building forum, you probably need one.

How are you doing helloworld?

I know exactly how you feel, I am sort of going throug the same thing right now with my husband of 5 1/2 years. Only it is my fault because I was unfaithful about 9 months ago. I hate what I did but I can't go back now. That was our only problem anyways, I think we were just too young. I was 17 when we got married and he was 21 we have a beautiful 5 year old daughter together. I still love him very much and I know he still loves me too but just can't get passed what I did. I think right now were just trying to find the right time and way to end it. I know that if and when we do split up it will be for the best, I look forward to the things I can do for myself like going back to school, starting a career, and actually being able to enjoy my life stress free. I would be very willing to try again with him but he has already decided that I am unfaithful and can never be trusted again. My advice for you is to just stay strong and continue to think positive. Think about all the good that will come out of this. If you would like to talk more you can email me at jenn_in_texas2004@yahoo.com Good luck and God Bless.

mydaddysprincess...one line in what you wrote is troubling. That is where you wrote..."think of all of the good that will come out of this". Spend some time reading the step parent forum and you will begin to understand that there can be alot of pain in divorce for your beautiful little girl. You need to be aware if you proceed with the divorce, of what can happen. As each of you move on with your life, if remarriage is in either of your plans (which I imagine it will be, because you are still so young) that things can become very complicated and painful. What seems to be the common thread on the step parent forum is that as the man remarries, his new wife does not want his child around. Especially as they go on and have children of their own, and form a new little family. Or the new wife may want to form a new little family where your husband becomes the father to her children, and she finds numerous reasons to hate his children from his previous marriage. Since you are still in this marriage and actually love one another, I want to encourage you to do whatever it takes to fight for your family, and keep it together. Really take the time to read the step parent forum, and when you have finished, read it again. So that your eyes are wide open, and you have gained wisdom and insite into what the future can look like for each of you, especially for your beautiful daughter, should you go forward. The best gift you can give your beautiful child is an intact family, if you can do the work to somehow turn this around (repair the damage you have done) and make it a happy, healthy home for your child to grow up in. Because no one will love your child as you two do. And after reading the step parent forum, you will have your eyes wide open at just how much these new step parents can hate your child, as she is developing into the person she will become. She will be the one who will pay the price of the divorce. If it is inevitable, do the best you can. But since you both love one another, fight for your family. Try to repair the damage and win your husbands trust back. Show him that you will be someone of integrity, honor. This is where you decide what you are made of and who you really are. What kind of woman you want to be on this walk through life.

Good advice, Bnicebkind.

But the forum you mentioned, does contain "problems", there must be lots of families where things are working out, surely, we don't usually hear them.

Popi

popi...I hope so, but sadly, I do not know them. Even friends who have divorced and remarried, and who are terrific women in their own right (successful, attractive, happy, and genuinely like children) have done the same things I see on the step parent forum. They have gone on to have a new baby in the new marriage, and have each in their own way done their best to push his children out, and formed a new family. They too, do not like his children. I listen to their "side" of things, and I think that we can all build a case against someone who upsets, threatens, or bugs us, and hyper focus on everything they do...all the while ignoring our own faults, or our own children who do the same things or worse.

People who I thought (each one of them) that if anyone can pull this off, and do it well, it was these women. And yet, sadly, in each case, the story has turned out the same, as the stories I have read on the step parent forum.

I used to think that if you were a terrific human being, and really liked children, and were happy and grounded, that you could eventually pull this off, and become one of the successful step families, where everyone is welcome, and loved, and they are thrilled to see the child on their weekend.

Sadly, I do not know if this is realistic, or possible. We like to think that it is, and yes, I am still hopeful that there are people who can pull it off. Perhaps it works if the wife does not have any children of her own, and does her best to help him raise his children. I don't know. But how can we expect it to work, when we take a childs father away, move him into someone elses house, and he is now DAD to someone elses kids, rarely seeing his own child? And MOM has now remarried, (or has a new boyfriend) and lives with him, and perhaps his kids, and is now MOM to someone elses kids? They may now live in different states! Where is home for this child now? With MOM and her new lover? With DAD and his new lover? Where do they belong now?

And looking at it from this angle, imagine it through the eyes of a child. Imagine yourself as a child, and "your" dad left your mom and is now living far away, with his new girl friend and "her kids". And mom is dressing and acting different and you barely see her anymore because she is always with her new boyfriend, at his place? See how painful it can get through the eyes of a child?

It also seems that in so many situations, the bio-mom is made out to be this horrible woman, by the step mom. The bio moms I know are nice normal women. I wonder why we never hear a new wife talk about what a terrific woman her husbands ex is? why are they all made out to be so awful?
Things get very complicated indeed.

Sometimes it seems that we trade in one set of problems for another. Perhaps we divorce because of problems in the marriage. We want to believe that we can start over, and we will do it better next time. Instead, we may not have those problems that led to the divorce, but we may have new problems we never dreamed possible in a new marriage with steps.