Return to the Marriage Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
How to deal with issues

Posted by cheerful1 (My Page) on
Fri, Oct 2, 09 at 7:18

When you have arguments, do you deal with them as the current issue by itself, or as an indication of the other's overall behavior? Which is the right way to deal with it?


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: How to deal with issues

Keep the argument focused on the point of disagreement only.
Doing anything else damages the relationship

There are times when the issue IS a pattern of behavior -- but even then, you can make you point about the specific behavior, not about a personality trait. Consider this:

"I get annoyed when you're out with your work buddies for Happy Hour and don't call to let me know when to expect you home. When you don't call, I don't know whether to hold dinner for you or not, and that makes me feel like my efforts aren't appreciated."

Versus this:

"You're so inconsiderate! You NEVER call when you're going to be late coming home."


 o
RE: How to deal with issues

I would add.....

While your keeping your focus don't let the other party get away with taking it global either.

Unless it's time to deal the overall behavior...but that should take some prep. before launching.


 o
RE: How to deal with issues

I prefer to talk about a single issue because it is almost impossible to come to a resolution about more than one issue at a time. There is no point to arguing if you do not expect or desire a resolution to an issue. Otherwise you are just yelling at each other and that accomplishes nothing.

To use the example above, I'd limit my talk to "Please call when you are going to be late so I can have dinner ready (or not) when you get home. Also I worry very much about you when I expect you home and you aren't there. I promise not to be mad when you call." Saying you don't feel appreciated without offering a solution is just trying to make the other party feel bad, and puts him on the defensive. All that does is inflame the argument and nothing get resolved.


 o
RE: How to deal with issues

Trying to remember. Something about use "I" messages, not "you" messages. As in "I feel worried when you are out late and don't call" rather than, "You never call when you are out late".


 o
RE: How to deal with issues

Unfortunately, we will always be at odds with this one. He uses every mistake as a pattern of behavior; I try to look at each one as its separate issue.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Marriage Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here