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alfa_s_ok

Help... just for help. The man I love got married today

alfa.s.ok
9 years ago

I have been reading posts like this for the past two months. Reading everything I can get my hands on. Not necessarily for advice, because I am sitting here powerless. But just for closure I suppose. To reach out and know that there are others who have felt what I feel.
I know there are people who will tell me bottom line: It's what you get for getting involved with someone who was engaged. And they're all right. Hands down, there is no argument. But if writing my feelings helps one person out there from taking that step and saves them from this feeling, then I'd like to offer my experience:
I went for an intense 3 month training experience for the career I had been waiting 5 years for. The first day I met my class of 18 (15 men and 3 women) I bonded with everyone instantly. I was single and career focused and did not want any distractions so I set up my study groups with the married and engaged men, thinking that this would help me keep my focuses where they needed to be. My field is a very male dominated field and there is too much distraction with immature men. There was a group of six of us that were close. Two men were married, two were engaged, and there was me and one other single girl. The program we were in required an 8 hour day and up to 4 hours of study group time each night. I've never spent so much time with people in my life. Needless to say, one engaged guy started staying longer than the others when we were studying. We would talk, and talk, and talk. In the beginning I can 100% admit it was innocent on my part. Then he tested the waters... and I fell for it.
He began to talk to me about personal things... to tell me he didn't trust his fiancee, and that she had cheated on him. He described two different situations where he had learned of other men she was emotionally cheating with and one more serious situation that she may have done more. Right away I told him that is a serious problem for an engagement and that you can't marry someone you don't trust. But I brushed it off with just the advice. We continued to talk, and that was that. Over the next couple of weeks, we talked more and started texting outside of work/study material. It was necessary to see him and text him everyday for this training, but things started to get flirty. One night he of course had some drinks and after I kicked everyone out he texted me about astrology and eventually sent me our horoscope love match. That was the first time I realized he was interested that way... And I should have ran. I called him on it and he apologized the next day. But I shrugged it off knowing I would still be around him each day. Things got flirtier and flirtier and eventually the stress of our work situation led to us letting off steam in the little spare time we had, and we ended up spending most of it together. In the company of the others I would catch him looking at me, and then when they all left, he would stay and talk or we would go for drives, and talk and pass time and... date I suppose. Before I knew it we were getting to know each other and going through the motions of this mock-dating. He would tell me he had never felt so comfortable with someone in his life, that he can honestly say he never felt like this before, that he trusted me completely, that I was different. All the things that a girl wants to hear... He told me he never sang at home, but he sang to me because he's never been this happy. And I started to believe him. He was always finding an excuse to spend time with me and come over. He constantly would leave things at my house so he could come back. One night we were sitting together and I kissed him. It was me. And I feel so awful for it now. But even then, he had started to tell me how he was falling for me and had been falling for me before anything got physical, he explained that he had been dating his fiancee for almost 7 years and had felt pressured into proposing, even saying that he wished he had met me before he proposed because he was knew he never would have done it. (That part always kills me looking back... If he wanted to change things he could have.) I know he was engaged, but the man was not married and I would not have touched him if he was. I've been married, and I've been cheated on. To me, I justified it in my head by telling myself he was engaged and if he really feels this way, he should not get married and now is the time to find out, there were no kids. An engagement is the most critical time, if any, to figure out that you may not want to get married. (A dumb excuse... if this was the case he should have ended his relationship before anything with me) BUT I fell for it all. For the most part I ignored the fact that he was engaged, There were two occasions in which I brought it up to ask if I was the last fling or something more. He seemed torn, he swore I was not a fling, but he seemed unable to say he for sure wouldn't get married. He did at one point admit that he wanted out, but said he didn't think he had it in him to cancel. The wedding was 3 months away at this time. There was one night that I told him if he for sure was going to get married that he needed to leave me alone. He never said either way, he just cried and told me he didn't know what to do. And he refused to leave me alone. At any rate, things progressed, two months into it I love you's were said. Everyday was spent together, but it was on borrowed time. Our finals were approaching and the training was pass/fail. His fiancee wanted to come out the last day and stay with him and he told her no in case he failed he wanted to be alone. He then asked me to spend the last day with him no matter what. I read into this... it was a big deal to me. I realized I wanted more than anything for him not to get married but I didn't know how to ask for that, I had no right. I hoped he would see from everything he was telling me that he should not do it. I was stuck in a situation I never thought I would see myself in. It was hard... and it was extra stress that I did not need. I had completely fallen for this unavailable guy. So stupid.
Evals came. He passed. I failed by two points and lost my career. I was numb... I packed up and left before he got home. I texted him and he followed me to where I drove three hours away to say goodbye. Then he invited me to the city he was moving to for the weekend. The city that would be their home. I went. He comforted me, and I was happy for him. But the reality of the situation was dawning on me. He was still engaged. The day I was supposed to go home I asked him to talk to his parents, his friends, tell them the same things he told me, ask them if he should be getting married. He said he didn't talk to his family like that and that he didn't think anyone would understand. I asked him how could he get married if everything he told me was true? He just shook his head and said he felt like it was too late, and it was something he SHOULD do. I cried of course. And I said if that's his choice to please tell me that's what he really wanted and that he didn't love me. He looked at me in the eye and said that would be a lie. I hugged him and said goodbye, and said if I was in his heart there is no way he could get married, and we cried... and I left. I drove home. He had gone all three months of training and another month after without seeing her. I thought this was so strange for a couple who was about to get married. I honestly thought if he was a jerk and was using me, he would've blocked me after training... after all, he had his fun. He even paid $700 last minute to fly me out to visit him (turned out to be one last time). He also eventually told one of his friends about me and asked his advice. He truly seemed torn. And then one day, three weeks before the wedding... he told her... According to him he told her that he had fallen in love with me. She demanded he block me (I don't blame her), and that he go to counseling, and she almost called it off. He didn't block me right away, but at this point I knew... he was going to marry her. I think he told her hoping she would call it off. What a coward. I was curious to what a counselor would say to him if he told them everything he told me. But I would never find out. I tried to email him to at least get an explanation. His final email said that he wanted to get married. His counselor told him he needed to cut off communication if that was his goal, and that if I did contact him he would need to tell his fiancee. Then he said that this is what he wanted and what he thought would make him happy in the long run. Everyday when I'm not thinking about the failure in my career, I'm thinking of him. I feel guilty, stupid, used, worthless, and disgusted with myself for getting involved in this situation. I never would have pictured myself being the other woman. I truly convinced myself that he was unhappy, and he wanted to love me and change his life. I'm angry at him. Yet I still care about him... I'm angry at myself... and I'm overwhelmingly sorry to her, though she'll never see it. When I do think about everything I wonder... did he make a mistake? Or was it all false? Was it that it was easier to say goodbye to one person instead of 1 bride, 2 in-laws, 150+ guests, $7800 venue deposit? Or is it what he really wanted? I know I need to let these questions go. I will never know the answer. Part of me wishes I had never met him, I have never regretted anything ever in my life... and I don't even want to regret this, but my guilt and morals make me feel like I should. But an even deeper part of me hopes that one day he'll realize...
I'm ashamed to ask for help from God because I feel like I don't deserve it. My feelings are so conflicted. CAN I BE SORRY WITHOUT REGRETTING LOVING HIM??? It's the most difficult part, I think...
I have blocked everything. I respect the institution of marriage. I won't bother him again. And more than anything... I want him to be happy. I miss him as part of my everyday. Even if it wasn't real to him... it was real to me.

Anyway... I needed to get it out. I needed to explain if only to strangers... the whole story. If I could go back, I would tell him to go home and talk to his fiancee about his problems. I never should have gotten involved and my advice to anyone out there in this situation is to learn from this... before it's too late and you end up as lost as I am.

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