Husband wondering what marriage is like after 25 years?
mark2468
13 years ago
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asolo
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agomark2468
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
How do you stay connected after many years of marriage?
Comments (10)We're going on ten years this summer, so I don't know if I qualify to answer, but I'll do it anyway. :) One, make sure you cultivate at least one major interest that you can share and participate in frequently. Besides raising the kids, that is. Two, cultivate friendships with people in similar situations, and share friendships with those who aren't. What I mean is, it's wonderful for us to spend time with other couples with kids similar in age to ours, because we're dealing with the same issues, our kids can play together, and we encourage each other. DH has single guy friends too, but I consider them just as much my friends as his. So their issues are mine too and it's never them vs. me. Three, don't fall into the trap of believing that sex "isn't that important." Of course it is. Sex is never just a physical thing, after all. It's tied up with ego, self-esteem, emotional intimacy, and is a great indicator of how things are going otherwise. Four, don't get caught up in dramatics. Always think of the outcome before the process. If you're angry, think first of the result you want before reacting. Five, and perhaps the most important - remember that your spouse is not psychic, and that he/she may forget things. If you want jewelry for your birthday, tell him. If you want him to put the kids to bed when you're tired, tell him. Don't expect him to "just know" that you wanted jewelry because you saw an ad and said "that's pretty", and don't expect him to "just know" you're too tired to tackle bedtime and be generous enough to volunteer. Don't be resentful when he doesn't pick up your cues. Yes, he may be ignoring them on purpose, but so what? Make demands. Six: Pick your battles. Sure, it may bother you to no end that he won't put his underwear in the laundry hamper twelve inches away from where he drops them, but is it really that important in the long run? Hm...that's a good question ;-)...See MoreHelp! Was your first year of marriage really tough?
Comments (16)I am new to posting on the marriage forum. But this is my $.02. In every marriage, there is give and take. I can see that you have a very busy life and it was that way before you married. I am not sure that you and DH didn't have different ideas about what happens after you get married. I kind of get the feeling that you weren't expecting much of a change and that DH was expecting a lot. First, if you were doing these things before you got married, then DH knew what he was getting into. Second, if you were doing all of these activities, How did you have time to date the man who became your DH? You made time for him before, right? You need to make sure that you still do that now. Just because you are "married" doesn't mean that it will be there if you aren't. Married should be a verb and not an adjective. That is when the real work starts. Finally, IMHO, if you got married and want to stay married, it is time for a sit down meeting to hash out what both of you are expecting. If you knew enough to marry him then DH's expectations should not seem to come from no where, meaning that you should have noticed that some of these have been coming for a while. It is really hard to be in the adjustment phase of being married. No one really lets all of the baggage hit the floor until they are sure they are staying. You have to sort out what every one wants and still make sure you don't lose yourself in the process. Honestly, I think you are having a case of "I wish I were still there 'itis". Basically, you are still mourning a part of your life that you had to step away from. It is not unusual to miss your single life. I know for a fact that I did. It isn't wrong, but if you wanted to marry DH then, there were reasons and do they still hold up? If marriage is something that is REALLY important to you, then you have to make sure that you are willing- not to put his needs first- but to make sure he is being heard and to try to make sure he is hearing you. If he is making you uncomfortable about seeing your single friends every week, maybe you should compromise. Could you invite them over, on the week when the SD is not there of course? Being married means that he should be at the center of your life, not your whole life, and you will need to encourage him to meet you half way. Don't give up the things you love, don't lose your passion for life, but don't leave him behind like a long date you wish was over. He obviously still wants to be around you. Have you thought about why you don't have the need to be around him as much. I am pretty sure you saw him more when you were dating than you are now if he is complaining. Maybe you need to look more closely at the situation. Please feel free to tell me if I am way off base... I am a big girl, I can deal with it. LOL....See Moreself confidence is gone feels like husband deserves better
Comments (13)Since I don't know the full story ie your husbands side and also only what you wrote here it sounds to me like your husband is abusive. Sounds like my ex. (note we had an amicable divorce and we still talk on occasion like friends). At some point when I'd tried to be whatever it was he said he wanted and nothing changed I moved to the never let his things about looser etc. get me down instead I continued to build my self-confidence and it just got worse. It wasn't me, it was him. He had to put me down to make him feel better about himself. He would have preferred me being completely dependent on him and not the self-sufficent person I am by nature. Which in the beginning I was more dependent on him. You are not doing anything wrong - keep repeating that to yourself. I see nothing you're doing wrong. You are caring for your daughter, you love your husband, you are working and supporting yourself. I don't see you doing anything wrong. What I think is that your husband has other issues and he is just taking them out on you and making himself feel better in the process. Social sites and being on sex sites is not normal for a married man, however I doubt that is your fault either. My ex cheated on me so it made my decision really easy. My 2nd husband and I dated for three years and was married for two years without living together during the week. Long distance can work, both people have to be comitted to it. Did your moving make things worse? I'm guessing it was pretty bad before you moved and if he said something like I'd kill you then you definetly did the right thing for you and your daughter to move. Why not try reading up some on verbally abusive spouses and see if this fits what you've been dealing with and go from there. I wouldn't want my daughter (or son) to be around that as then they grow up thinking that is how men treat women, which trust me they don't. My second husband is wonderful and there is nothing like it in our relationship. One thing with an abusive relationship is that us women often become very attached and think we are doing something wrong and think we are very much in love. Once you realize and sort of wake up to what the relationship is it makes it much easier to decide what to do. As I said I don't know if yours is a verbally abusive relationship or not, but I encourage you to read up on it and see if your husband fits the patterns. I never thought my ex was until I read a true crime book and saw all the signs in it on my ex. and after that is when I got my self-confidence back and started working on myself and let those things roll off my back. I wish I'd decided to leave then too instead of sticking it out (we didn't have children), which was dumb as I thought I still loved him. I care for him, but I don't love him....See MoreMy husband doesn't like my adult son.
Comments (20)I am in the same situation. It’s New Years Day and I am lying here depressed. My adult son came to temporarily live with me and my new husband of 2 years about 7 months ago. He asked and my husband said yes. My husband decided not to charge him rent or anything, even told him he can eat what we eat, wash clothes, basically our home is his home. We have a written agreement which we all signed. My son takes out the garbage and cuts grass, clean his room & bathroom. He’s making plans to move back out as agreed. He has savings. Is my son perfect? No, but he is not disrespectful. Other than not walking around the house naked, nothing else has changed in our marital relationship. My husband took it upon himself to step in as a father to my son and even asked my son if that was ok. His biological father…didnt do his job and has no real relationship with him. My husband and son get along fine. However i know my husband is faking it. If my son makes one mistake or forget something, my husband is very critical and judgemental. He complains to me telling lies about my son and says hateful things about my son. i love my husband but this is unacceptable to me. i am beyond hurt and angry. My son doesnt even know how my husband really feels. What brought to this post…my husband thought my son had left and left the door unlocked at 2am. My son was actually outside. Anyway all i literally said was to tell him and immediately he accused me of coming to my son’s defense and starts going off. I am confused. If someone does something wrong or forgot something, isnt the natural thing to do is tell them? What did I say wrong? There is so much more I could say to paint the picture of everything that has gone on. I dont want a divorce but this is too crazy!...See Moreasolo
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