spamorama!

"his wife cheated on him first, and apparently also has a lover, according to joe." ick. ick ick ick. This is just nasty. Since Joe lies to his wife, why does the girlfriend believe him? & why does the group believe him when he says his wife is "having an affair"? & if she is, why does that justify his behavior? The right thing to do, if there is such a thing as the right thing to do, would be to terminate one relationship before becoming involved in another one, & he isn't doing that. In effect, he's running around on his wife with a girlfriend & running around on the girlfriend with a wife. & your whole circle of friends is enabling him. Nobody, not your hubs & not your momma & certainly not a "friend", has any business putting you on the spot by coercing you to do something or to support or enable something that you believe to be wrong, something that makes you feel guilty or uncomfortable or ashamed of yourself. Tell hubs if he wants to cover for his lying friend, he'll have to do it without your help.... & you might ask him if it's just a "guy thing", if he covers for Joe, Joe will cover for him. ick ick ick. The person I feel sorry for is the wife: I'd bet that she isn't having an affair & that she doesn't know that all her friends are involved in keeping her from finding out about her husband's affair. I know conventional wisdom is not to say anything to the spouse, but in this day & age, the spouse can get more than syphilis or some such: AIDs will kill a person. I wish you the best.

Getting married and having children may not be for everyone, but if they are what you want, health, emotion, and finance wise you can afford, why do you deprive yourself? after all you only live once, you have right to make choices. I was happy as single and child free, but being married and being a mother are so much better for me. Life is a lot more inspired, enriched and fulfilled. Here is one of many articles from internet. The link is http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-rights-benefits-30190.html Marriage Rights and Benefits Whether or not you favor marriage as a social institution, there's no denying that it confers many rights, protections, and benefits -- both legal and practical. Some of these vary from state to state, but the list typically includes: Tax Benefits • Filing joint income tax returns with the IRS and state taxing authorities. • Creating a "family partnership" under federal tax laws, which allows you to divide business income among family members. Estate Planning Benefits • Inheriting a share of your spouse's estate. • Receiving an exemption from both estate taxes and gift taxes for all property you give or leave to your spouse. • Creating life estate trusts that are restricted to married couples, including QTIP trusts, QDOT trusts, and marital deduction trusts. • Obtaining priority if a conservator needs to be appointed for your spouse -- that is, someone to make financial and/or medical decisions on your spouse's behalf. Government Benefits • Receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits for spouses. • Receiving veterans' and military benefits for spouses, such as those for education, medical care, or special loans. • Receiving public assistance benefits. Employment Benefits • Obtaining insurance benefits through a spouse's employer. • Taking family leave to care for your spouse during an illness. • Receiving wages, workers' compensation, and retirement plan benefits for a deceased spouse. • Taking bereavement leave if your spouse or one of your spouse's close relatives dies. Medical Benefits • Visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit or during restricted visiting hours in other parts of a medical facility. • Making medical decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment. Death Benefits • Consenting to after-death examinations and procedures. • Making burial or other final arrangements. Family Benefits • Filing for stepparent or joint adoption. • Applying for joint foster care rights. • Receiving equitable division of property if you divorce. • Receiving spousal or child support, child custody, and visitation if you divorce. Housing Benefits • Living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only." • Automatically renewing leases signed by your spouse. Consumer Benefits • Receiving family rates for health, homeowners', auto, and other types of insurance. • Receiving tuition discounts and permission to use school facilities. • Other consumer discounts and incentives offered only to married couples or families. Other Legal Benefits and Protections • Suing a third person for wrongful death of your spouse and loss of consortium (loss of intimacy). • Suing a third person for offenses that interfere with the success of your marriage, such as alienation of affection and criminal conversation (these laws are available in only a few states). • Claiming the marital communications privilege, which means a court can't force you to disclose the contents of confidential communications between you and your spouse during your marriage. • Receiving crime victims' recovery benefits if your spouse is the victim of a crime. • Obtaining immigration and residency benefits for noncitizen spouse. • Visiting rights in jails and other places where visitors are restricted to immediate family. Same-Sex Marriage, Civil Unions, and Domestic Partnerships If you are in a same-sex marriage in one of the states where same-sex marriage is allowed (Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, and D.C.), or if you are in a domestic partnership or civil union in any of the states that offer those relationship options, none of the benefits of marriage under federal law will apply to you, because the federal government does not recognize these same-sex relationships. For example, you may not file joint federal income tax returns with your partner, even if your state allows you to file taxes jointly. And other federal benefits, such as Social Security death benefits and COBRA continuation insurance coverage, may not apply.

I am not a step-parent, but rather a survivor of step parenting run amock. In my experience, it was the step mother from hell that was the problem. She was so insecure about her place in all of this, that her only means to stability was to keep Dad as far away from his kids as possible and to be as mean to them as possible. All of this despite the fact that she knew he had 6 kids. She hated the ground we walked on and wished we had never been born. When our father had a heart attack, she did not let any of the kids know and I'm sure that if he had not survived, we would have never even been able to say our goobyes. Also, from experiences of friends ... the worst thing a new step can do is try to pretend that they are the bio parent. You would be surprised how many try to assume the role and the title of the bio because of their own insecurities about where they stand. If they entered the picture as just another adult that has love enough in their heart to encompass a child as their friend (child already has 2 parents), it would ultimately be so much easier to gain their love and respect and ultimately their desire to be around you and please you. Some steps are so darned pushy - no offense. You can't build a relationship over night and the relationship may never be that of parent and child and doesn't need to be in order to be a loving, respectful, fulfilling one. Some people actually marry thinking that they won't really have to be involved. Some like to pretend that once they marry they can play BArbie dream house family. There are all different types of personalities... all types of human fears and insecurities. It is not always the ex that is the problem, sometimes its the spouse, sometimes its the step. I laugh whenever I read these posts about how horrible the ex is. They are getting a lot of info from the spouse - which may or may not be accurate. My sister is now going through an acrimonious divorce from her husband of 30 years. She desperately wants everyone to hate his guts and tells us all kinds of horrible things about him. I have known the man for 30 years and I know he is not perfect and that he has hurt my sister, but I also know that a lot of what she is spreading is sheer bunk to garner support of her position. I still like the man and I refuse to say anything bad about him. I agree that he has done wrong, but I refuse to get into mudslinging. What will she tell some new love in her life? That he was a wonderful husband for 29 of the 30 years? Sometimes new spouses are so thrilled in their insecurity to be better than the ex that they grasp at what the spouse says as God's given truth. I think maturity, knowledge of yourself and the human element and realism go a long way to make step parenting work. Second marriages fail at a greater rate than first marriages for many reasons. However, I think many of the reasons are born of insecurity. There is probably nothing I can imagine that has the devastating effect emotionally, socially and financially as a divorce. These walking wounded need time to get their emotional strength back as an individual before getting into a relationship. Unfortunately, so few people give themselves the necessary healing time and use a new relationship as a crutch to show the world that - I really am still lovable. Then - enter an ex wife or ex husband that threatens your security and then add some traumatized children whose homes and family have been decimated and its a most frightening, unstable situation. It is so wonderful to read success stories where people have done the right thing for themselves first and then within a loving relationship that encompasses both stepchildren and ex spouse. It is amazing that it can happen given all the human frailties that are brought into any relationship much less one as complicated as a blended family. I can see that there are many rewards in being a successful blended family. One of my sisters is the step of a now grown young woman who has been the light of her life. Unable to have children of her own, she has been blessed to have this girl a part of her life. They have never had a mother-daughter relationship. They are loving friends related by marriage. The "loving friends" part is more important than titles and roles. Once the bio Mom realized that my sister had no intention of taking her place, but rather supporting the parents in the raising of their child - the world became a peaceful place for them.