Need help with what to do.. ASAP!

10 years ago

Dear friends,

I am an avid poster on the step-family forum as you may have saw. I am not married but this is the closest forum to a relationship with fiancee...

The quick version of the story is that I recently moved into a house with my fiance. We have been together almost 2 yrs. When we first got together I remember him telling me about a girl who was persistance, and he had to tell her he didn't want a relationship so she would leave him alone VIA facebook. He didnt have the heart to tell her he wasnt interested for some reason, and says they never slept together.

This past weekend I was using my fb account and we leave ours open. He told me to check a message on his from a mutual friend of ours discussing an invitation to a party and a how are you etc... Anyhow I saw a message from this girl in the above paragraph and opened it...

It was a lot of back and forth from her sending two to three msgs like how are u, hows work etc.. and he answers like every second or third. Anyhow one of the messages she says she is doing x,y,z with her life, and he responds with I am moving to (a city) in september just me and my daughter on weekends...

I obviously got upset. I realise that maybe I should not have even opened it but we are really open with everything and it hasn't been an issue in the past.

i spoke to him about it and his response was that she is crazy and he doesnt want so many people knowing his personal life, and that she is nutty and he thought if he told her he is in a serious committment it will make her harass him more..

I know this is ridiculous...
can anyone please offer their insight... I just need to hear it from people who have no bias...

Thank you in advance for reading!
I am devestated.

Comments (11)

popi_gw
10 years ago
It is not appropriate for him to have conversations with this person on fb.

Do you have a commitment to each other or not ? (rhetorical).

His reason for the communication is sloppy - it is so disrespectful to you.

Perhaps a talk about commitment and your future plans, and what standards of caring you expect from each other.

Suggest more time together and less time on the computer.
LuAnn_in_PA
10 years ago
Sounds like he's not that into you!

If he really wanted nothing to do with this girl, he would not be facebook friends at all.

That fact that he IS, and that fact that he is telling her you're not around on weekends SHOULD tell you what to do...
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xminion
10 years ago
After reading your story, it reminds me of what John Lennon told his wife after she was suspicious of his interactions with Yoko. "Yoko? She's nuts."

The rest is history.
willpower654
Original Author
10 years ago
Thank you ... I really thought I was freaking out for no reason but my suspicions are correct i see..

I spoke to my thereapist because i was talking about a grieving process lately as someone close to me passed away. She says I need to set the boundaries with these things and see what happens...

My big issue is that he said those things and now I feel like its something more or will be later and I dont know if I should stay or go.
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
Go.

Staying will drain your remaining self-confidence & weaken your ability to take care of yourself.
lee676
10 years ago
Don't get what you're upset about. So some woman he knew from a few years back keeps messaging him and he returns terse responses every now and then. About what I do just to be polite and acknowledge when someone I don't have much to do with messages me alot. I'm assuming that city isn't the one she lives in. Only thing I don't get is why he would say he's planning to move and not tell you, unless he did tell you and you didn't mention that, but assume that's not the case if you just recently moved to where you are now.
colleenoz
10 years ago
"I am moving to (a city) in september just me and my daughter on weekends... " is not a "terse response", it is tantamount to an invitation IMO.
willpower654
Original Author
10 years ago
Lee just to clarify..

We were moving in together. And he told this woman that he is moving alone. And did not mention he has a fiancee. Which is why I am upset. Still not sure what to do.

I am going to finish my semester at school and then decide if things don't get better... I will have some money saved up etc to get out and be stable on my feet.
sherwoodva
10 years ago
Trust your instincts. Go. Move out and learn to love yourself. Take classes, be with people in a non-dating way. Give yourself time to heal and to have a higher opinion of yourself. Then, when you have a new boyfriend, you will know when to stay or go.
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
'Still not sure what to do'

Re-read what colleenoz said.

This guy is inviting this other woman to make an overture.
suzieque
10 years ago
He's your fiancÃÂ©. Do you have a ring and a date?

Get rid of this guy; he's clearly, from what you've said here, inviting this other woman in.

Need help with what to do.. ASAP!

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