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Tried everything I can think of:

Posted by kcadvice_2008 (My Page) on
Wed, Sep 24, 08 at 12:02

Hi: I have a situation in my marriage and I desperately need some advice. I have tried everything I can think of. My husband's personal hygene has gotten so bad that I feel I no longer want to be in a relationship with him. Our relationship is good other than this problem and obviously intimacy. He feels it is normal to shower once a week. He also feels it's better not to brush your teeth because it protects them better. Please help! I am suffering here. I am feeling so lonely becuase I have no affection in my life. (MY choice) I can't bring myself to kiss him, or make love to him. His breath is horrible and he smells of body odor regularly. I've had friends complain about his hygene. I've had strangers complain. I have tried to talk to him about it with love and affection. He gets mad and fights with me. I've tried being down right cold hearted about it. Again, he just gets mad. I've asked him if he was feeling depressed about anything and he claims he's fine. I've begged friends to tell him, but they won't. I've drawn him baths, he won't use. I've bought him new special toothpaste he won't use. I am completely lost and don't know what to do. I do love this man, but I think I'm beginning to fall out of love with him. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to go out in public with him anymore. I'm embarrased! What should I do?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

Kcadvice, I had an aunt who married a Frenchman who had the same issue. She would get all sexy, and get him in the shower with her, and give him a good, sexy scrub-down. That was her foreplay. I don't know what to do about the teeth. Maybe have him escort you to your dental check-up and advise the hyginest beforehand what your issue is, so that the dentist can "nonchalantly" bring it up with him?

I feel for you. My ex-husband would not use deoderent.And he'd wear tank tops. His bo would get so bad I would be embarassed. It did not make me feel like getting closer to him at all!


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

Sounds as if this is a change from previous. How were things in the past? Over what period of time has the change occurred? I suspect mental trouble not only because of the change but because of his resistance to correction. Descent into curmudgeonliness (if that's a word) can be indicative.


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

How does he hold down a job, when he is in this state ?

I agree with Asolo, sounds like he has a mental problem, he is not listening to reason.

Perhaps you could talk to a doctor.

You really can't go on like this can you ?

Popi


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

I have this problem also.... DH has a terrible body odor and also neglects brushing his teeth, etc. I buy him deodorant, cologne, etc, but it goes unused. Although he does shower every 2-3 days, it is still hot here and he just makes me gag! Who wants to be loving with someone who smells like a boar hog?!?!?!....not me. Also his weight has been extra ordinary and he has a stomach that looks like he is 12 months pregnant, but I know he is going through a depression, but that is no excuse to not shower and brush his teeth......so I can relate to your problem.


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

Oh dear,
I'm not sure what to make of this but would suspect psychological disorder if it is a new behavior.

It sounds like you have tried to approach him about it several different ways. I think the next step would be to phone his physician and express your concern over his mental state. If dr agrees they can cert him for a psych assessment (in the US), but think I would try to approach him and gently but persistantly insist that he be assessed
for depression. If he still refuses go to his Dr.

How does his emotional state seem otherwise? How does he work and cope with the world outside your home like this?
Also is this something that is common in his ethnicity/family background (Don't mean to be insulting-don't flame me!)? Is his father the same way?

~Cat


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

Was he clean when you were "courting"? if....how did you stand it?
The first and foremost thing about "sexy" is CLEAN!!


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

Well kcadvice, nobody else has brought this up so I may as well.

Sounds like he may be trying to avoid any and all closeness with YOU. Poor physical hygiene is often a foolproof barrier for unwanted activity. Are you perfect physically?

Just because you say other people have commented on his problems doesn't make it so. Sounds like exaggeration to me. What friend or even a perfect stranger is going to tell you your husband stinks?


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

Well, Zowlik, you certainly may have a point about his trying to avoid closeness with his mate, but "Are you perfect physically?" doesn't seem like quite the right question.

Does anyone have to be "perfect physically" to hope for some closeness with his/her mate? Kind of a harmful question to ask, IMHO, and the degree to which other people may have or may not have commented really has nothing to do with the central problem.


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

I don't know what to tell you. I wonder how many people don't bathe regularly. I actual have some older friends who only bathe every week or so and they actually seem rather clean to me.

I found the following poll that suggests that 18% of the pollsters only bathe once or twice a week... A little shocking to me, but I don't totally doubt it.

I've always been sort of shocked by older ladies that get their hair done every week or two and don't wash it in between. Makes my scalp itch just thinking about it! But we probably all know someone, and they probably do appear clean.

What kind of work does your husband do? Does he general work up a sweat a lot? I do wonder if maybe he is subconciously not taking care of himself so that he can limit physical intimacy. Not that there is anything worng with you; maybe he's afraid of pregnancy or their is some other reason for wanting to keep you at arm's length.

Here is a link that might be useful: shower poll


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

Hi: It's quite a dilemma isn't it? My hubby is the same way and I have been married 31 years. Looking back, it would appear that he has always seemed to be like this, always procrastinating about physical and oral hygiene. How have I put up with this? I guess, at the time I thought he would change....so I put up with it for awhile. He would go through times when it wasn't so bad for me but really when I think about it now, I feel it is a way of not wanting to be physical at all. Maybe he is trying to punish me for something that I didn't know that I did. He has always been like this....but it can be very covert and subtle. Passive aggressive? Maybe. I am in no way like that myself. I am a clean person about my physical and oral health and cannot understand why he takes such a lacsadaisical attitude about this. He wears a top denture and has his own bottom teeth but he will not go to the dentist. His teeth are starting to rot on the bottom and his breath is absolutely horrid. When he eats, food will stick on his plate and if he smiles you can see it there and he takes no interest in cleaning them after he eats. I have tried talking to him about this in the nicest way I can but he seems as though he doesn't care. I am sure that other people notice it also. His breath is so bad sometimes that I can actually smell it when we are driving in the car. Absolutely horrid. When I wash his clothes, I have to use a spray on the neck and underarms because if I don't, you can smell the b.o. even after they have been washed and dried. I don't understand how anyone could be so lazy about this. Needless to say, I am not in the slighest interested in being intimate with him. Doesn't matter anyhow because I don't think he even cares. It is so disrepectful. I really think that it is just sheer laziness. And, no it's not depression. Depression holds people back from doing many things in life and he certainly has no problems doing what he wants to do. I have just learned to do things for me too but it is so sad that he is like this. I understand how you all feel.


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

How can people like this hold jobs, wouldn't the work mates complain ?

Mistopheles - how sad for you to be in your situation. You deserve happiness in your life. You are a doormat to this man.


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

I would think it was grounds for dismisal from job.


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RE: Tried everything I can think of:

Kowlik-with all due respect -a real doofus post. Let's blame this woman for not being "Physically Perfect"-that's why her husband is a filthy pig. Puh-leeze.


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