Return to the Marriage Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
how my husband requests sex

Posted by sam8th (My Page) on
Wed, Sep 26, 07 at 11:22

whenever my husband asks for sex, he first requests it verbally one way or another "are we having sex tonite?" "am i getting lucky tonite?" etc. this has always been a turnoff for me as all i need is for him to reach for me or touch me and i'll know he wants sex.

i've finally told him this and he says it's only common courtesy to ask for sex like it's a favor to me. which even seems more of a turnoff. who wants a common courtesy request for sex? i told him if he has to ask, the answer is no from now on.

part of this might come from my repressed sexual state and i told him this, too. but fixing my repressed sexual state seems a lot harder to do than for him to merely stop asking verbally for sex.

does anybody else have this problem? thanks, i'm new.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

My husband doesn't ask for sex like that. He comes up and start "messing around". Which I find a total turn off. I'm not a toy. I don't light up, no flashing lights, whistles don't go off and nothing twirls. I don't like to be approached this way at all. We have been married for 14 years and it hurts that in all this time he still doesn't get that.
We have had numerous talks about it and to me until he finally gets in this play ground is closed.
Good luck...your not alone in this. I think sex for guys is just different than it is for us.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Every couple has signals. Its difficult for these guys to change the ones they feel comfortable with. I don't think they sit around and discuss this with each other and their magazines sure don't have tips for them. About the only information they get is from us, and we don't want to hand out step by step instructions. I have heard that the guys who are really smooth have more than one girlfriend plus a wife. Thats a big price to pay for expertise.
Personally, I'm happy my husband is interested in me. These days they seem to have a lot of other choices.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Interesting that one woman finds the verbal asking for sex a turnoff and would prefer a physical embrace approach while another finds the physical approach a turnoff. Then theres my wife who finds both approaches a turnoff Is it any wonder why so many men seek sexual gratification outside their marriages!


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Recalling Cindy Cashmans book from 20 years ago: "Everything Men Know About Women". 128 blank pages.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I've deliberately tried to educate my husband by using his own tactics on him, with pretty decent results.

The direct "Do you want to have sex now?" when he's busy doing something else got me the exact same reaction it gets him -- Blank stare followed by the "Uh, well, uh -- I'm kinda in the middle of something." Or sometimes a blank stare, then a curious look, then the "Oh, uh, OK - Can you maybe give me a couple of minutes and maybe a little encouragement to get into the mood?" And the awkward beginning usually doesn't make for the most unforgettable experience.

The "grab 'em and go for it!" approach almost got me a black eye! (He swears it was pure instinct.) My instincts aren't that quick, but the instinctive response is the same...

I've told him straight out that if I'm asleep, exhausted, or in the middle of something important, it's not gonna happen right now. But if not, the way to get what he wants is to invite me to sit down and relax and talk with him for a few minutes. Then to gradually get to the same place and re-establish that connection. *Then* to hint at his ulterior motives... He's not quite subtle enough to pull it off completely, but it's a big improvement and will usually work.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Wow..........tommyw!!! You have to be kidding. It is just the difference between women. All women are different. Sorry that your wife isn't interested in sex. I really am. My husband isn't too interested in me these days either, but I don't agree with cheating (although I do understand how/why it happens). It is all about communication--on both sides--honest communication. All too often people just don't care about the other persons' needs---on any level.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I think that often if you "plan" to have sex, both of you I mean!, then the anticipation can build up and usually the outcome is better. Lets face it, we all have busy lives with jobs, and children, its really tricky to BOTH be in the right frame of mind, at the same time.

So making a "date" is one way to muddle through.

OP I agree with all you say. Perhaps you can work out how you want to be treated and just say that to your hubbie. Say what you want, rather than what you don't want.

P


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

i just slap her on the butt and say come on. i tell her we have to hurry up so she don't burn supper and can finish the dusting in time to hav edinner ont he table by 7.

j/k


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Cheating is the worst possible thing and I offer no sympathy. Don't even think about it! If you have to be with someone, have the courtesty to divorce *first*

As for intercourse time, maybe both of you can set aside a Saturday and perhaps even the time and stick to the schedule so no one has to ask or make it an unwelcome supprise. You reserve the right to refuse, mating is a privilage, not a right.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

sam8th: for a long time I wasn't too excited with how my DH would ask for sex--he'd often just start "manhandling" me (no it wasn't gentle and sweet, it was rough) or he'd say we should "go do it" or whatever, things that didn't really get me going IYKWIM. It was like a complete reverse of how he was when we were dating. BUT, now, with a "terrible twos" and both of us working full time, we really have to schedule sex to make it work.

I like that b/c I can anticipate it. I can send him flirty texts or emails, I can think about it and look forward to it.

He resisted it at first, it isn't a perfect solution (he feels like I'm penciling him into my schedule even though he realizes it's a more realistic approach) but it works great for me! Anyway, I guess I just wanted you to know you're not the only one getting insensitive sex requests. I think the best thing is to try to talk about it and work out a compromise. Unfortunately that's the hardest thing.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

"Is it any wonder why so many men seek sexual gratification outside their marriages!"

Yeah,and I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that so many men are pigs either.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Seems to me that there is an ample number of sows to go with the boars.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I'm not sure what you mean asolo.I'm assuming you're saying that just as many women cheat as men.I'm not debating that fact.I'm just saying that if guys like tommyw use this topic as an excuse to cheat,then it makes them pigs IMHO.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Just trying to be funny. We're on the same page.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I think I'm along the same as the other women whose husband's grope them. My husband does this,I dont really mind though. I would mind someone asking me before every single time. I knew a guy who used to do that with kissing...used to drive me nuts. I'd be like,"You dont have to ask every single time! Just do it!" It really does take away from the passion to have someone ask your permission.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

TommyW, you obviously don't read, or you may think to educate yourself on what women need. Not just wam bam, we are feeling individuals, with emotional needs, men are chemically and psychologically different.

I agree with the other women, it is absolutely no reason to cheat. If that's what you're doing, then you don't deserve a wife either.

I gave my husband John Gray's Book of Days, he never touched it. I even read it to him, he was uninterested. If that's as much effort as men put into trying to learn what their wives really need, they don't deserve the pleasures of her body.

Try taking an active role, talk to her, try to understand what her emotional needs are. You have to reach her mentally before you can even think of reaching her physically.

Until you're willing to do your "home work," and put some effort forth, don't complain.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Just want to clarify my previous post: I do like to be touched, don't get me wrong, but I don't like when I'm washing dishes and DH comes up behind me and squeezes something really hard. I want him to start gently and work his way up. Sure we'll have sex if there's time, all I'm saying is that making "arrangements" means we both work to free up our schedule so we can have the time. It's frustrating when I've made time and he wants to play video games, or he's made time but I'm buried in chores. He's also not usually into setting the mood (sometimes he'll light candles). He thinks I should just be ready to go as fast as he is. I've tried to talk w/him about that particular issue and he claims that I'm just putting up barriers on purpose. Men and women are different, and both partners need to make that realization and find a compromise that works for both.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Let's see with a 4 year old, a 2 year old that doesn't want to sleep in a bed and a 2 month old that I am breastfeeding not a lot goes on around here. We try and schedule time but just then someone wakes up crying, poopy or hungry usually all three at once.:)

But I am one that likes to be asked but just come and get me works too.

Stacie


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

plasticgarden has it just right. it's the asking of permission. it really does take away the passion part of things. to be asked everytime is such a turn off.

we do have a scheduled nite, but he will still ask one way or another that nite. are we having sex? are you ready for me? he is sometimes joking when he asks that way, but it still bugs me. it's still asking.

i have to admit that i've always been shy about sex and it's not easy for me to say sure, we're having sex or you betcha we are gonna do it or i'm SO ready for you or whatever.
after 46 years of being this way, i'm not going to change, i don't think. he wants sex more than i do, if he wants it, he has to stop asking for it if i've told him to stop asking.

he disagrees and thinks asking is a courtesy thing. sheesh. we've been together 20 years. i could use courtesy in so many other areas besides sex, believe me.

i have a good man. we are just disagreeing on this. thanks!


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Sounds like a real 'no win' in many (most?) situations...

Anyone's spouse get it right?
And if so, what do they do?


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I was reading about the gift giving angst in another thread... realize this relates similarly. It's kind of a symptom, you know? If you love one another and communicate reasonably well, an occasional miscalculation is not going to make or break the relationship. My DH has occasionally made mistakes in gift-picking-- and he's hit some home runs too. But I cringe at the thought at standing over him tapping my foot waiting for The Perfect Thing. On the original subject, he's good to me in general-- affectionate and considerate-- so the door is pretty much open most of the time, and I am not that choosy about how he knocks on it :) I *would* be very dismayed if I clearly communicated that I dislike a certain approach and he persisted in it. On the other hand, I would view it as my job to tactfully guide him towards what I liked better. For the most part we are a match and I don't find things that hard. I know a lot of people swear that Marriage is Work. 20 years in, he's still the sweetest and easiest part of my life-- I know it's not over till the fat lady sings, but so far, it has been a blessing. Literally a blessing, because not particularly deserved-- my relationships skills are good but not brilliant, I do not deserve this any more than the next person. It has just worked out-- knock wood, please God.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

"Anyone's spouse get it right?
And if so, what do they do?"

For me,two things he Always does right.When I'am sad or blue about something (which can be often especially before THAT time of the month) He is very comforting and consoling.Hugs me to him,rubs my back and shoulders.Tells me it will be ok,and how much he loves me...That is always getting it right because it makes us both feel better.

Two,is,we laugh a lot and chase each other around the house.After some harmless goofing around,one thing can lead to another...
My husband has never been a "wine and dine" kinda guy with flowers and romance.But his approach does make me feel loved and wanted,which is what really counts I think.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

A doctor once said to me, sex is just another way of showing love. I didn't think fast enough to tell him, it's not the only way. I don't like being pawed during the day, especially when I am up to my elbows in dishwater. I want a few hugs and kiss without it being sexual, affection I think it's called. If I get that, I am more receptive to being pawed in bed. LOL


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

We don't have that issue because it's EVERY morning, except when he gets up at 4:30 to play golf. He has hinted that it would be nice if I woke up at 4 to accomodate him, but I have done my patriotic duty the rest of the week, and I wouldn't wake up at 4am for Tom Sellick or even Elvis' ghost!


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

How about Harrison Ford?


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Do you have kids Scarlett? I found the perfect analogy for too-early or middle-of-the-night sex. It's like feeding a young baby -- a wonderful special bonding time that means the world to you. That is, when it's not the middle of the night, and when you have the time to enjoy it without interruptions. Since DH is a devoted father who used to take half of the nighttime awakenings, he was able to relate and didn't get his feelings hurt.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Hm-m-m... Harrison Ford..let me think about that one.

Sweeby, you are a better woman than I am and a better wife. Although I remember when I was younger, it seemed kind of romantic. But now I need my sleep!


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I am in the exact same positon here. MY husband ALWAYS in one way or another more than once a day ASKS for permission to have sex and it drives me NUTS! It completely turns me off. If he would just come up to me and touch me and show me some affection, I would KNOW he wants to have sex and he would get it. But when he asks it turns me off and I finally told him (like You) from now on when you ask it is going to be NO, and he still does it. I just can't get him to see my point of view. Woman unlike men can read their minds, and know that fondaling and kissing and such means they want to have sex, and will read into that. They don't have to come right out and be so Blunt and ask for it. Be a MAN about it and TURN YOUR WOMAN ON, and you'll go alot farther!!!


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

"Woman unlike men can read their minds,"

That's because it's so darn easy!


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Lol and there is only one thing to read !


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I think most men are not taught by anyone who knows how to have sex and how to approach a woman. I also think most men learn to have sex by watching porn. If you men are taking cues from male oriented pornography you must stop it immediately. That is not what women want.

My husband is a groper at times and it's OK. He can be loving and gentle also, so there is a balance. I can't complain !!


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I think we should start a thread titled ...

"What you guys are doing wrong..."


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

and, maybe even the guys could give us some hints too!


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Yea..more guys opinions would be excellent.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I didn't mean for us, I meant for them ;-) I'm sure they have their complaints too....ok maybe not.... I think as long as we're breathing...


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

This must be a guy thing in general b/c my DH also does these things. Either he asks me when we are grocery shopping, "Are we going to have sex tonight?" Or he comes up to me while I'm cleaning, doing dishes, etc. and tries to grab things. These are both HUGE turn offs to me. First of all, I think when he asks first thing in the morning it takes all of the spontaneity out of it. And, when I'm trying to do something, please don't grab my butt, that's just irritating!

I have a pretty low sex drive anyway & one little thing can make me not want anything to do w/ sex. I wish he would just learn, like Sweeby said, to sit me down, talk to me... Just be calm about it & more than likely, it's gonna get him what he wants! However, if I asked my DH if he "wanted to do it" while he was in the middle of something, I would not get the same response as Sweeby does. My DH would drop everything & be in the bedroom naked before I could blink an eye! Either that or maybe faint from shock... LOL

I also despise the fact that my DH can't seem to do something nice w/o expecting anything in return. I feel like I do this a lot, but he doesn't realize it. I wish I could get one good back or foot rub w/o having to have sex afterwards or having to listen to him boo-hoo b/c I don't want to have sex afterwards.

Sorry, I'm done complaining now... :)


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

From my own experience and from what women have told me over the decades, it appears to me that sexual ineptitude is very well represented among members of both sexes.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

"However, if I asked my DH if he "wanted to do it" while he was in the middle of something, I would not get the same response as Sweeby does. My DH would drop everything & be in the bedroom naked before I could blink an eye!"

You may find that changes a bit with age. DH used to always be ready, but now that he's in his mid-50's, his batteries also need to be charged before use.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Girls, we need to say what we want and how we like to be treated. This leads to satisfaction all around.

Apparently men think differently from us !


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

"....we need to say what we want and how we like to be treated. This leads to satisfaction all around."

Due respect, but men have been doing this throughout recorded history. There is no parallel recording of it having led to any particular increase in "satisfaction all around." If you think it will in your case, by all means go ahead and good luck with that. However, I think your degree of oversimplification is vast.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I have been one of these husbands. I am a young husband 24, and we have been married for 2 years. We have a 1 1/2 yr old and she breast fed till just this week.

I am a romantic, I try to play as well, and I also plain old ask. I always give her leg rubs, and back rubs, I talk to her, whisper sweet things to her, buy her things, I always tell her she is beautiful and pretty. I find her attractive most when she has been working hard around the house all day. I know she may not feel that way and has had a stressful day, but MAN I WANT HER THEN! (I've been working on this part)

I personally have not figured out the magic way. We have issues because of the "Sex thing". But, that is mainly on my part. I honestly was never a "SEX" guy until we married. And, the baby really threw me for a loop.

I have no idea how to initiate intimacy right. But, I am still TRYING to learn and work things out. I am not cheating on my wife, even though it is the honest truth I have thought about it.

I am just trying to figure out how to balance my sexual desire and her needs.

How do I help calm myself?


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

LOL, Uh-Oh...

Opposite here, maybe because I'm 43 and feel I'm hittin my prime & DH is 11 yr.s older but I'm the one who is
"Hey, you wanna play?" or flat out, "Are we going to have sex tonight or what!?"

I've always had the higher sex drive and get frustrated because he's either too tired or soemone is always here and we can't..

Yea romance is nice, but a girls got needs!


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

"I find her attractive most when she has been working hard around the house all day.
I know she may not feel that way and has had a stressful day, but MAN I WANT HER THEN!"

You know, don't you, that that's a recipe for disaster?
Why do you suppose watching her do housework is such a turn-on for you?
Seriously, a young mother is chronically exhausted, and the combination of exhaustion, housework and young children is more effective than cold showers for killing the libido.
But do you think you might be willing to try a variation on the 'housework seduction'?

Instead of watching your wife work in the house, invite HER to relax on the sofa while YOU do the housework. After an hour or so of this, confide to her that watching her do housework is very arousing to you, and that you hope watching YOU work around the house will do the same for her. When she gets done laughing, you might be pleasantly surprised.

For a longer-term solution, if you can afford it, I'd suggest bringing in a housecleaner / baby-sitter for an afternoon every week or two so your wife can relax and the two of you can have a 'date night'.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Exactly what I thought..."watching" her do the housework..why don't you pitch in and help...gee. And don't just do it once, help everyday !

If she feels you are supportive and that you want to help her...she will be in a happier place, and who knows where that will lead to.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Ditto mc_hudd, verbatim. Every last word of it. Are you my alterego?

Most of these issues are just plain lack of intimacy. For him, he lacks physically and will reconnect through sex. For her, she MUST reconnect emotionally before sex can happen, or the disconnection gets worse. No one is manipulating, just being who they are. Even if it feels that way. :)


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

whoa whoa whoa.. I never said I sit back and watch her do all the house work.

I work and go to college. I help out around the house too.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex Catlettuce

Thank goodness, it isn't just me...
I think twenty-something guys need to marry forty-something women!
In a perfect world...lol


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Hey...it is not easy to "ask for sex." I have tried to be romantic...and then got shot down. It is a lot of effort to be shot down. So...then do I just ask...not romantic enough. I have heard the housework part...but then does that mean that he does housework and sex happens?

It would be nice if my wife brought it up once in a while. The normal response to a comment like that is bringing sex up with a guy is easy...they always want sex. It is not nearly as easy for a guy to ask a women and not feel completely corny.

Good communication is important. It is not easy to get it right...it is really tough to figure out the best way to go about it.

Sweeby...it is great that you took the time to educate your husband. I am sure he appreciates it...it makes his life easier knowing what to expect..and how you want him to approach the issue. I know I would appreciate my wife letting me know what she expects. Trying to guess is nearly impossible.


 o
Lol, yea well....

For me it's usually I take my ambien and I swear to GOD as I am nodding off to lala land gues who's feeling frisky? It never fails.

So I have added "I'm taking my ambien now, are we gonna play or what?"

Guess that really sets the tone doesn't it? However we are so rarely home alone I think we need to strike while the umm iron is hot.

I know, I am SUCH a romantic -TeeHee..poor DH.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

"Trying to guess is nearly impossible. "
Agreed -- So ask her!

We have a child with special needs, so going out is harder for us than for most. But we do have regular 'date nights' at home where we feed the kids early, put them to bed, then have a special dinner and watch a movie - just the two of us. Those times are really special, not so much for the sex, but for the closeness and connection we are able to maintain just by setting aside that special time. After the movie (Sorry guys - it needs to be a light-hearted romantic comedy; Shoot-em-ups don't inspire desire.) we always end up talking for hours. Talking about our family, our relationship, nothing in particular.

This would be the time to have a productive discussion with your wife about how beautiful she is and how you always want her - but that you know that it isn't always a good time. And how to communicate your interest to her in a way that doesn't annoy her - because then your feelings get hurt (which she doesn't want).

She may not be able to answer right away (unless she's been thinking about it!) -- So ask her to give it some thought, because your intimate romantic relationship (hint: those are good words to use with a woman) is so important to you and your marriage.

It'll probably take a while to get it right -- it did with us -- but the results are worth it!


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Being able to communicate is the key. It makes it rough if you keep getting shot down. It is not easy for a guy to ask. Just think of asking for a first date. It takes a lot of guts to ask. That is why some guys are so bold with it...by the time they work up the nerve...they may seem bold. If you let your husband know the right steps, he should remember. Just be aware that if he uses those steps like instructions, and it does not work, he may consider them faulty and not try it again. If he starts down the path, let him know up front the desire/feelings/mood is not there immediately. It will let him know that you picked up on what was up (a good thing) but the situation is not right. He won't get to the end of the "instructions" and be left without the desired results.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

"If that's as much effort as men put into trying to learn what their wives really need, they don't deserve the pleasures of her body."

This is an old thread but the above statement by someone above caught my eye.

This quote is the problem right here. I'm sure the "lady" who posted this is absolutely lovely even though she weighs about 400 pounds.

Women truly think they are God's ultimate creations. Ladies, I got to tell ya. Keep your damn fat bodies. I can get a helluva lot more pleasure with my 3 friends, me, myself and I.


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

Sounds like some big old fat chick must have done you wrong. What's with the fat attitude?


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I think a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy is a deal breaker. If my husband all the sudden decided he'd rather screw around with his guitar than screw around with me I'd have to question the state of the marriage.

I HAVE NEEDS. HAHAHAHA. Lifes to short to go unfufilled. Emotional neglect is even worse.

Oh, and if he won't lay me but he's laying some skeez on the internet every night (with the help of leftie or rightie)....later tater. Have fun in cyber space because I'm off to find a real man.

Luckily my husband feels the same way I do so we get along smashingly and we stay satisfied:)


 o
Sam....

I'm sorry. I didn't acknowledge your OP. If it's a turn off tell him so and if you are bold enough tell him which ways would be turn ON's for you:)

The ding dongs don't know if you don't tell them. Good luck!


 o
RE: how my husband requests sex

I would swap in an instant my hubby doesn't want sex I would love him to ask or grope or anything as I am so sick of wanting him and getting nothing! All I can say is just be glad he wants you, regardless of how he conveys this. I am only in my early 30's and I am so lonely but married, I haven't had sex in so long I fantasize about having sex with my own husband!
I have told him endlessly how I feel but still nothing. I think there is a common problem in that we tell them something and it makes no difference! Xx


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Marriage Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here