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Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Posted by nurse_christine (My Page) on
Sun, Sep 3, 06 at 10:21

Okay...I already know the answers I will get on here. But I am having a very hard time delaing with the reality of my situation...I am in love with a man whom I have been seeing for almost five months. I knew when I met him and slept with him for the first time that he was engaged to be married, and while my morals told me then that what I was doing was selfish and wrong I had sex with him anyway. I fully expected it to be a one night stand, and would have been okay with that fact, we were away on a convention trip when this happened and had been flirting with each other the whole time, it was the very last night that we finally broke down the walls and had sex and fell asleep in each others arms. When we came home from our trip we agreed that what had happened was fun but would never happen again, and that we would remain friends as we have to see each other often for school commitments (we are both officers for our nursing school we attend). However, we have not kept our word that it would never happen again. It has happened many times since then and I have fallen in love with him now after spending time getting to know him on a more personal level. My dilemma is that I really don't want to get my heart broken, nor do I want to be the reason someone else gets theirs broken (meaning his fiancee). He has point-blank told me that he is falling in love with me too, but this relationship will not last forever and he has no intention of telling his fiancee any of his regressions nor does he intend to break off their engagement. I am having a really hard time walking away...especially knowing that he loves me too...I don't understand what he is doing with me if he truly loves her as much as he says he does. He says he is not "using" me, but it certainly appears that way sometimes. I guess I should also mention that there is a possibilty I could be pregnant with his child. We had unprotected sex a couple of days ago and I was ovulating at the time. Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do? Should I just drop it all and walk away now? Should I let it continue and have fun with it while tring to get my heart broken? Should I somehow find a way to let her know what her future husband is up to? I feel like I am being so selfish...and I really don't know what to do!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

WOw, let's analyse this one by one.

1. He's engage, he has no intention of calling off the engagement. You are NOT his number one priority, you're just his toy. He has no intention of stayign with you.

2. He says he LOVES her, yet he is cheating on her, he LOVES you but is cheating on you. ONce a cheat, always a cheat, as the saying goes and he is proving that saying true.

3. He says he is not using you. He is using you for sex, so YES he is. He loves you but won't leave his fiance...then he is using you, he is lying..so he is a lying cheat.

4. You had unprotected sex with a lying cheat...who knows what other diseases you could have. Get the plan B pill, and see a doctor to get tested for STD's and HIV

5. You don't want to get your heart broken, nor do you want to be the reason for he and his fiance to break up...guess what..both will happen, they do with lying cheats. but it won't be solely your fault, it'll be his too.

6. If you want to get your heart broken..."Should I let it continue and have fun with it while tring to get my heart broken" GO ahead, though why someone would purposely do this I do not know.

7. Are you being selfish...YES, so is he..grow up, move on, find someone who is not already spoken for. You are the "other woman".

Vickey-MN


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Listen to Vicky MN.

"Love" you say? Where to begin........


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

at the end I meant...trying "not" to get my heart broken...no trying to get it broken...sorry typo!

Vicky...thanks for your honesty...these are the kinds of things I want to hear from outsiders who do not know me or the situation.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Do you have the diamond ring? NO. Be glad that you don't. Get out NOW. Nothing good can come of this. You're going to get hurt, and so is his fiance. Be glad that you aren't the one engaged to this a**hole, and get the plan B pill STAT! Do you really want to be pregnant with someone's child who is not going to be there for you at all? Don't bring an innocent life into a situation YOU and HIM created out of lust, because you are not in a relationship with this guy, he is totally using you, and him saying he "loves" you confirms it for me. Good luck, go meet a nice single guy, they are out there!


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

I think he probably does have feelings for you, just not strong enough to drop his fiancee for you. He probably considers her the kind of girl you marry, and, you, quite frankly, the kind you don't (based on the fact that you are sleeping with him...an engaged man). Believe it or not, many guys really do get it, and although they'll sleep with you, they'll lose all respect for you for having the affair.

I actually consider you to be the lucky one. His poor fiancee probably has no clue, and I'm sure his affairs will continue way into their married life. I would consider telling her for her sake (way before the wedding), not for your own sake. It would be one way of trying to pay her back for the harm you caused her. But, be sure to walk away from him too. If you're not good enough for him now, you'll never be. He'll just drop you when someone else better comes along, if he doesn't already have others.

I honestly guess I just don't get it. How do people fall in love with people in these circumstances? I could never truly love someone who treats his fiancee (and another woman he's sleeping with) with such disrespect. Could you ever even remotely trust him?

I hope you're not pregnant because obviously that would only complicate matters. One of my neighbor friends got pregnant in a similar situation. He's totally out of the picture and married the fiancee; She went ahead and had the baby. At least there was one good thing that came from all of it.

You need to leave him and find a real relationship based on real love and honesty, not one based on lies and lust.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Christine

You've got yourself into a fine pickle. I think the above posts sum up what you know in your heart you must do.

This guy is very deceitful, and the poor girl he is going to marry should be made aware of this, otherwise she is going to have a miserable marriage. I dont know the best way to go about letting her know, what a shock for her.

You know you should walk away, dont you ? Its hard, it will break your heart but you will get over it and move on. You are a lovely person and deserve better than this man.

All the best to you. Let us know what you end up doing.

Popi


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Quote: "You are a lovely person and deserve better than this". Why?

Popi...the choices Christine is making right now is NOT the behavior of a lovely person. It is sleezy behavior. Her own conscience told her it was selfish and wrong, but she had sex with him anyway, and said that she knew he was engaged, but that she was OK with having sex with a man who belongs to someone else. There is no honor in this kind of behavior. It is selfish and wrong, and will create tremendous pain for another woman, that will take years to recover from.

As painful as it is, if I were the bride to be, I would want to know the truth, of the kind of man I was marrying. I would not want to find out 5 years from now, with two kids, that I was married to a sleezy man, (no matter how attractive he is) and to have to always wonder whether he is having an affair.

So Christine, if you were the bride to be, would you rather know, or go blissfully ahead with a marriage, to someone capable of this kind of devastating betrayal?

IMO, justice would be that the bride to be would find out, and would have the opportunity to find a great man of honor and integrity, to build her life with. And since these traits are not important to either of you, that you two would end up together, and your child would have its father.

I know that this does not seem nice, but the behavior you are participating in is not nice either. Would you want someone doing this to you? To your sister, or brother, or mom or dad? Of course not, because it creates such pain that innocent people have to recover from.

It will be interesting how he reacts when you tell him that you are pregnant. But that you love him. Now you will see what you really mean to him. Does he love you enough to stand by you, or were you the kind of girl that was fun for awhile, but not the kind of girl he would marry? And you can build on that. You can decide at any time who you really are and what you stand for. What kind of human being you want to be in this walk through life, and whether your behavior is worthy of respect. Or whether you want to be the fun time girl, going from relationship to relationship, that no one respects.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

I'm not going to comment on the moral point since others have given plenty of that. Just make sure you don't get kicked out of your school/work place because of this.

Recently similar story happened to a man and a woman at work. Both were married. When the woman finally had the courage to break it off with the man, he immediately became impossible to work with and did his best to make her day at work as miserable as possible. She complained to her manager about his behaviour at work. He denied vehemently. The whole problem was then brought up to HR (my dept) because it has escalated to sexual harrassment. She immediately confessed the whole story to HR and he turned the table around and told HR that SHE was the one who has been sexually harrassing him all these months while HE was trying to be gentlemanly about it. She could't prove anything because all these months, when they had their rendezvous in a nearby motel, all reservations were made by HER with HER name. In the end, the woman got fired, and her marriage was in trouble because of her stupidity, while the guy walked away with no harm done.

Bottom line, if you decide to break it off, be prepared to walk away from your job too in case his ego couldn't take it.

Yet another reason NOT to have an affair at work.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

I too know of a situation where woman having an affair with a married man lost her job and man is still blissfully working away. Adding insult to injury- the wife of the cheating man sued the affair girl for "loss of affection" and as stupid as that sounds, will probably win the lawsuit if the affair girl has the heart to even fight it any more. Affair girl was humiliated horribly once already in court when she tried to sue for wrongful termination- which she lost.

There is no easy way out of this one.

I'm not so sure I'd tell the fiancee about the affair. After you dump him, which of course you will do pronto, he may turn himself around and be a wonderful devoted caring loving faithful husband. He may not, but nobody here can predict the future. The fiancee may find out on her own, or be unaware forever. And I honestly don't see a lot of harm in that. If they have problems in the marriage that's between them and since you will have dumped him long before the marriage it won't be your fault.

The issue about what to do about possibility of pregnancy is way way way too personal for me to give advice to you. I suppose the choices are, if pregnant
1. abortion
2. Keep the baby and never tell him about it (though not really fair to him being a dad and not knowing)
3. Keep the baby and tell him about it not expecting him to care
4. Keep the baby and tell him about it and demand that he cares (ie child support)
5. Give the baby up for adoption

Obviously the choices involve serious moral decisions and I hope you do better with this one than the one that led you into this predicament in the first place. In other words, be true to your moral values this time. Get over the selfishness that led you here and think about what is best for the baby if there is one. If there isn't one, and I hope there is not, then you probably used every bit of good luck that you were allotted in this lifetime.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

it's been almost a week..what's happening?


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Your GW name indicates you are a nurse. If that is so, do you recall the nurse's creed and the oath you took? Read it again and again until you get these words down fast and hard - therein lies your answer.


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You should definately tell his fiance. So she knows what kind of man she is marrying. He may say he loves you but guess what the only person this man loves is himself. He doesn't care about your feelings- he says the situation is "fun" and that he is still going to stay with his fiance. So basically you don't mean much to him except as a casual fling. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you he would leave his fiance and pursue a relationship with you that isnt' cloaked in dishonesty. He probably enjoys the excitement and even if he left his fiance for you there is a great chance he would do the EXACT same thing to you once he became bored with you. I'm sure this is difficult to hear and I'm not saying this to hurt you but its just a reality check.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

meghan, and christine,... remember...the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

yes, he could change and become a stellar husband. Not likely, but it could happen. Some people do. But many more continue the infidelity, and affairs because they thrive on the excitement of a new romance, and their egos need to be constantly stroked. This affair has gone on for 5 months, in the midst of his engagement, which should be an exciting time in his life with his fiance'. At this point I would say that it does not look like he would be a good candidate for the faithful husband. Goodness, if he cannot be faithful during this early love and romance of engagement to the woman he wants to marry...what chance does this have a few years down the road when his wife is carrying the weight of pregnancy, little sleep, crying kids, and all of the chaos of life with kids, family issues, work stress, homework, home repairs, financial burdens, etc. This is a guy who betrays in the best of times. Wait until his bride becomes a wife of a few years and is not even trying to impress him! She wants to know if he took out the garbage, and would he watch the crying kids for awhile while she gets a haircut.

Someone should warn her.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Some posters are warning you not to warn her because you may lose your job...etc.

I imagine it takes courage and honor to do what is right, even if there are consequences for our behavior. But you have participated in something for....five months....that is a long time for both of you to have had second thoughts, and choosing to ignoring some pretty bid moral issues here.

I think it comes back to some pretty serious soul searching as to whether you would want to know if you were in her shoes. I would hope that you would not tell her, just so she would drop him, and you could get him. In other words...even though you both deserve each other, I would hope that your motives are better than that.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Okay guys....update time....I first want to say that I truly appreciate the candid responses you have all left for me. I apologize to those of you whom I may have offended with my seemingly low moral standard...and to those of you who did not judge, I am grateful! I have been doing that serious soul searching for the last week and although I have come up with many different thoughts my heart always leads me back to doing what is "right" for everyone. I am not a bad person, I never intended to do this, I certainly never intended to fall in love with someone elses man. And while I do still love him and saying good bye is going to hurt so badly, I have decided to end our relationship. I do not intend to inform his fiancee of anything. I will leave that up to his own morals to tell her or not. He is a grown man and is capable of making his own decisions, regardless of whether I believe they are right or wrong. I suppose I should also tell you that, yes, I am pregnant. I intend on telling him, only because I want it to be his choice to be involved with his child or not. I want to raise this child with love and honesty, despite the fact that she/he was not conceived in an honest relationship. I want to be able to honestly say to this child, "It was your fathers decision to (or not to) be involved in your life." Maybe I am crazy, maybe I am wrong. At this point it doesn't really matter. My love for the child growing inside of me, and my desire to show her/him the "right" way to do things is strong...and I will make it through! I hope that you all will wish me and my child well...and that none of you are so offended by my decisions that you cannot do that. Please feel free to continue to give me your advice...it is always welcome and it certainly opens my eyes to a broader perspective of the situation and life in general! I wish you all a wonderful Tuesday! Thanks Again! Christine


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Dear Christine, I do not think that any of us think that you are a bad person...if fact, I believe that you are probably a good person, whose moral compass is off, perhaps due to the culture in which we live, that makes this kind of behavior seem not as bad as it really is. A bad person does this sort of thing without even caring whether it is right or wrong, and not really caring who their behavior hurts. In other words, they have no moral compass. I believe that you are now discovering what brought you to this point, and you are doing the serious soul searching that will define the kind of woman you wish to become. You will determine what values are important to who you are, and what you stand for, and I imagine, that who you become in the future will be worthy of respect.

I think that you need to meet with this guy, in a place where you are not completely alone...perhaps a park where there are people at a distance, and you need to tell him about the baby. He needs to know, and he needs to absorb this knowledge that he is going to be a father. Give him some time to absorb this, because he too, has alot of thinking and soul searching to do. The pressure on him will be enormous, because in the planning of a wedding, their are family members involved, on his side and her side, who trusted him, and whom he may care about, who will be devastated at the news. All of the people in his social group of friends...including her friends, he will shock, and let down. But he needs to know for several reasons. The first, is to discover where his heart really is...in other words, who he truly loves and wants to be with. The second, is that if he chooses you, he can share in the pregnancy and anticipation of becomming a father. And you two can get through this and begin settling your life down before the baby arives.

2. If he chooses her, he is going to have to tell her, and they will need to work through all of this, and she will have the time to decide whether she will work through the pain of why he did this in the first place, or whether she is going to kick him to the curb, or back to you.

3. The reality that he will be required to pay child support for this baby for the next 18 years + college expenses...she needs to understand that they (as a couple)will carry this obligation for years to come, and what ever involvement he has in his childs life, will involve her, if she hangs in there. And that at some point, if something happened to you, they may need to raise this child. And that would involve her, and she should know about it now.

And I imagine that there are many more reasons if I thought about it.

*****Please do not ever tell your beautiful child that his/her father chose not to be a part of its life. That would be so hurtful to a child, and they would think that it is because they are unloveable. Seek good councel on this from a professional, so that careless words do not damage your childs view of themselve and their value and self worth.

I wish you and you beautiful child well. I suppose that at this point, I am hoping that this guy chooses you, and that the three of you will become a family. Your child will have its father, and you and he can build from there. Please keep in touch and let us know what he says and how you are doing.

I also want to say that even if he does not react as you hope when you tell him, try not to take it to heart and give him some time. His first response may be one of panic, because he will understand that many people will be let down by him. Remember, his parents/her parents, his siblings and his future brother/sisters-in-law, who he may be close to, grandparents, cousins,and friends. Give him the time to absorb all of this and work through the panic and discover when it all settles down, what he really wants to do. Try and find peace within your spirit, because things do have a way of working themselves out. It just may take some time, and you need to stay as healthy as you can for a healthy pregnancy.

Let us know what he says, and how you are doing. We do care, and want the best for you both!


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Wow.

I think you are doing the right thing by telling him, and not telling his finacee. Let him do that, because of your pregnancy, he will have to. It seems like maybe he needs to come clean with what is going on in his life anyway.

Take care of yourself and your baby, that it is what is important now. I wish you all the best!


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Isn't life complicated?...

Since you're pregnant and intend to keep the baby, my opinion is that:

1) The father needs to be told. And in a place that is safe for you, in case his reaction is bad. Arrange to have a friend check on you just to be sure.

2) He needs to support the child financially, one way or another. Your child is entitled to his father's financial support, and it would be both foolish and selfish to deny your child the better lifestyle a second income will provide.

3) The fiancee also deserves to know. For all of the reasons mentioned above. Let the guy tell her if he'll do it quickly -- if not, you need to do it. (And verify that she's been told.) Letting her blindly marry a man who cheats is one thing, but letting her blindly marry a man who cheats and is a father with responsibilities he may or may not handle well -- that's another thing. She should have the right to toss this bum out if she chooses, to decide her own future.

For what it's worth, IMO, a man who cheats is a man who cheats. You may not want him either.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Christine...I want to second what sweeby mentioned, and that is to make sure that you are in a safe situation not only when you tell him, but in the weeks to come if you two get together to discuss anything. He is a man who is being backed against the wall and may panic in trying to keep anyone from finding out what he did. Let him know that you have told someone, so that he is aware that other people know about him and who he is. Not for the sake of gossip, but your protection.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

I also agree with sweeby on all points.

The finacee does need to be told. Hopefully by him, but if not, you need to. Think of it this way, she may be your child's stepmother. You wouldn't want any resentment taken out on your child. She needs to be able to make a decision about her life with all the facts. At some point she will find out about the pregnancy and the baby. It's just a matter of time. And, I would rather have it break up an engagement than a marriage.

I hope for you the best with everything. Loving a baby/child is the greatest love in life as you will soon find out (if you don't already know). Good luck to you.


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Best wishes, Christine. You've made some hard decisions. Perhaps your child wasn't conceived in an honest relationship, but he/she was conceived in love, at least from your side. Someday it may be important to your baby to understand he/she was conceived in love and not some unfortunate mistake.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

"I hope that you all will wish me and my child well...and that none of you are so offended by my decisions that you cannot do that. "

Amazing. Just amazing. "Love", as always, justifies everything. And while we discuss ethics, morals, and philosphy, here come the babies. Doesn't seem like a time for celebration or well-wishing to me.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

I am curious about something. You would not be the first woman to do this.

Did you plan to get pregnant on purpose, so that you would not lose him? I am inclined to believe that you did because you are so happy and excited about the pregnancy. Otherwise, I would think that you may have had very mixed feelings about a pregnancy where the father belongs to another woman. It just seems that you were hoping to get pregnant so that you would not lose him, and you are so excited that you are...as if your plan worked! Just wondering....

You also stated that: You fully intended this to be a one night stand and you were OK with that", and I am wondering WHY morally/ethically you are OK with one night stands. What happened along the line that the bar of right and wrong got set so low? I would think that you would find much more of what you want in life if you raised that bar wwaaayyy up. Otherwise, you will be the one they play with, but do not respect, and the nice girls will be the ones they respect, marry, and bring home to their family, and "WANT" to take care of.

I am not meaning to be hard on you, or make you feel bad. I am actually saying this in kindness, and my spirit as I write is wanting to be kind, and encourage you...because I think you are buying into where our culture leads so many young women...but I do not believe that lifestyle will deliver the love, respect, and all of the things we look for in life to make us feel content, and cared for. Also, in another post, both mine and yours, you said that you are a good person. And I responded that I beleived that you are a good person, who made some really bad choices. That a bad person would not care that their behavior was hurting another person...causing them great pain. Since I wrote that, this nagging thought has been bothering me. It is this feeling that you fully were aware that what you were doing would really hurt this woman when she finds out, and that you too, didn't care. And I am concerned that not only did you not care, but that you got pregnant on purpose, to make sure that you won him. I am hoping that I am wrong. But I will mention it because I know this is a time for serious soul searching, to find the answers that have led you to this point in your life. I wanted to add some things for you to think about as you think about what kind of woman you want to be on this walk through life. Tomorrow is a new day.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

From the first post:

" I am having a really hard time walking away...especially knowing that he loves me too....
I guess I should also mention that there is a possibilty I could be pregnant with his child. We had unprotected sex a couple of days ago and I was ovulating at the time. "

For someone who is studying to be a nurse and would therefore, know the facts of life inside and out, I have to admit that the idea of a "deliberate accident" occured to me too. And five-months into an affair, you have to expect you might be having sex. There aren't many (any?) good excuses for being "unprotected".

Only you know if you did this deliberately or not. But if you did, please know that your selfishness and lapse of judgement could end up destroying four lives -- his, his fiancee's, yours, and your baby's. Happily ever after is not built on manipulation and deception.

My DH's 'went steady' with his Ex for 7 years with no sex -- that is, until he talked with her about breaking up because he was leaving for college in a few weeks. Suddenly, she urgently wanted to have sex with him, resulting in an instant pregnancy and no college for him. They stayed married for ten miserable years, and resented each other deeply the entire time, because the life they had wasn't the life either of them wanted.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Christine...we are wondering how your lover took the news that he is going to be a father.

How are you doing?


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Pardon me, but you're the same sanctimonious Christine who posted about pornography being the evil that destroyed her marriage? And now you're telling us you have been carrying on an affair with someone who's engaged to someone else? If you're looking for sympathy from me, forget it. I think you've behaved like a slut.

I'm starting to think that you went into this affair wanting more than a one night stand and figured if you had a broken marriage then it wouldn't be a big deal if you broke up somebody else's relationship. You probably felt you "were entitled" to happiness and it didn't matter if it was at someone else's expense.

I don't believe the pregnancy was an accident. I believe
you planned it in hopes your lover would stay with you.

I hope he does stay with you so that everytime he's out of your sight you'll be wondering who his latest dalliance is.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.

His fiance deserves better and you two deserve each other.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Good catch, monablair!

Isn't it interesting how "evil" always seems to be what somebody else does? Bad girl, Christine.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Just because she had a bad marriage with a husband who had a major porn problem that she couldn't put up with doesn't make her any less of a person for talking about the porn problem.

What she was doing with the engaged man was wrong and she knows it, but that doesn't make what her "X" did right or not give her a right to complain or talk about it. Did it ever occur to you that possibly her "X" messed her up so much that she turned into an insecure person who thought she only deserved the sloppy seconds of an engaged man?

No one is perfect. Aren't we all, at least in one form or another, hypocrites? I know I went off on christine, but hey, I kissed someone else in college when I had a boyfriend. Oh no, guess, I shouldn't be able to give an opinion either.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

asolo you are so funny, and monablair you did put two and two together.
I wonder if nurse Christine's problem is real or if she is putting us on. Its hard to imagine a previously married nurse naive enough to get pregnant with a non available guy.
Carla, I don't think everybody is a hypocrite. I fail to see how C's husband messed her up, she sounds pretty assertive to me.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

marge,
You are so funny too. In fact this whole thread is just a roar. haha -- And, I must admit asolo's quote is very, very thought provoking and probably a lot more telling than most would think although I'm not really thinking of christine - go figure. I am wondering though, marge, who you know that has never done something hypocritical? That's like saying you know people that don't lie. You're just so, so, funny with that remark; is that a joke or just a holier than thou hypocritical remark itself? LOL :)

And what's with this trying to "catch people" and their hypocritical remarks and then giving high fives about it. I feel like I'm in second grade and everyone's taunting Bertha for picking her nose and waiting for her to do or say something else they can make fun of. Do you actually search out and read other posts to try to catch people and have something to report? Is it really all about "Gotcha" and making people feel like sh*t. Does this bullying cr*p still exist here on this forum? If you have something to say, say it but this calling people out when you don't know the full story, is just immature. And, yes, I know I am stooping to your level, but hey, at least I know I'm doing it, and at least I know I'm a hypocrite and not perfect. LOL :)

christine, If we haven't scared you away, how about an update?


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Nurse Christine, I hope that you do not ignore your post because of a few negative posts...you had to know that if you want honest feedback to your post, that there would be some negative feedback to the behavior you participated in for five months. I hope you do not just want people to just tell you what you want to hear...because how honest is that? It is people willing to speak the truth, and not speak false words...telling you what you want to hear. You must know that if friends tell you what you want to hear...they are not really friends. They are not willing to speak the truth. What good is it to have someone tell you things they do not actually believe, and then call a friend and tell them what they really think. It takes courage to say the hard stuff, and yet it is the hard stuff that brings growth, debth, and real caring and love to a relationship/friendship.

So, if you have the courage, will you let us know what happened when you told him he was going to be a father. Will you let us know how you are doing. How is your own family in all of this?


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Hey guys...sorry I have not been ignoring my post...but school has been keeping me busy. Well...here is the latest...I met up with my "friend" one afternoon on campus and we had our "talk". He was slightly upset...to say the least. He cried and walked away from me. I wasn't sure what to do and so I have left him alone until today. We ran into each other at school today...he doesn't have class on my campus so he was definately in front of my classroom on purpose. We had a long talk and he told me that he still has not told his fiancee about everything. He does not know how to break it to her. He is not happy about the situation...nor my decision to keep the baby...but he has said that he will be supportive regardless. I don't know quite how to take that...but its a step anyway. I still don't know how things will pan out for him...or for me. We shall see! I will keep you all posted!


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

I would encourage his support, you will need it, and so will the child. But put the child first, you have a responsiblity to give him a good life, with a mum and dad.

All the best to you, you sound like a postive person.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Christine -

How do you know how supportive he can be if he hasn't even told his fiance about it??? There will be money out of their pockets and time taken from her and their children as well. I happen to agree with sweeby, asolo and monablair so won't further comment on the entire situation.

That being said, you would be wise to consult with a family law attorney as soon as possible to start the procedure to have him adjudicated the father and to arrange for financial support for the child.

Also, it used to be that if a couple wasn't married and the father died, the mother was not able to collect Social Security for the child. You need to find out about that. It happens.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Yes, you knew all the answers you would get, because you have at least some conscience. Yes, you ARE being selfish. You say you dont want your heart broken and dont want to be the cause of anyone else getting theirs broken but you KNOW that one of those things IS going to happen, and probably both. You can be absolutely certain that you will be caused heartache, in fact are already experiencing it, because he has told you that your relationship will not last. He hasnt a clue as to what love is, and hes hoping to convince you that he does, and that he does love you. Hes really hoping that youre that stupid.

You know what you have to do, but it isnt an easy thing to do. My advice:

1. Break it off NOW!
2. Do not find a way to let his fianc know what her intended is up to you are responsible only for YOUR actions. You wont feel any better about yourself if you lay some of the blame elsewhere, and she most likely wont believe you anyway.
3. As soon as you verify that you are pregnant, set things in motion for child support (if you plan on keeping the baby). Even if you no longer have a relationship with him, he still has a responsibility to his child. His fianc may inadvertently find out about his filandering this way, but so be it.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Might I chime in here as a man?

I know sometimes from a woman's point of view it's nice and simplistic to say all the bumper sticker things:

Once a cheat, always a cheat
He's using you

But I would argue, she was a fairly intelligent woman (in nursing school) who knew he was already engaged before they consmmated the affair. Not only that, she mentioned that htey did it on a trip to a convention. This means she knew there was temptation there, and she maneuvered herself into a situation where both the temptation and the opportunity were there.

So I say, two to tango, no? His relationship and promise to his fiance is none of the OP business. It's a fact of his life she considered and brushed aside. No reason to give it weight now is there? OP didn't...

On the OP: Very simple...step back and say to yourself "Self, if I could wave a magic wand and fast forward two years, what would I want from this?" Now snap back to reality...is that going to happen? We all think not, but it might. For some women, it might be "To have friend with benefits, etc" and you'd be free to make your choice.

on the man's motivation, etc.: It's usually NOT the case that a guy thinks in terms of girls he will marry vs. not (unless she's at an extreme) or other things. What it normally is is the guy simply feels that there is something he wants in his life and it's missing from the fiance. OP could make him feel sexually attractive, virile, wanted, understood, or might just not henpeck him. She might be the complete social opposite of the wife, etc.

We don't know these things. I just warn people...it's like a vacation: the feelings of really loving the place are strong when you're there for a little bit. Moving there altogether is another story.

Ever notice how long distance relationships work for years, then fail when they finally get to move near each other. Same deal.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

aiki, I'm not sure most here are saying the man is carrying most of the blame for this situation.

I would say to the OP:

"You're using him and and the conceived child to try to get what you've wanted".

"You plotted and planned in hopes of trapping him".

"You want his fiancee to find out about you and the baby so she'll walk and you can be there to comfort him".

Personally, if I "got" someone as a result of cheating with him I'd always wonder about his having to work late, or going out with his buddies,etc.

If he was good enough to fool his wife/fiancee, then he's probably gotten good enough to fool me down the road when somebody else presents him with a "no strings attached" offer.

As for the OP, if this man's engagement didn't bother her during the affair, why should it bother her conscience now?

I don't believe it is bothering her. I think her concern is just a cover for "doing the right thing" and making sure the fiancee finds out what a cheating dog her future husband is.

This woman is like a pebble in a lake...She's forming ripples that will touch several people for a long, long time.

How sad.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Boy,I tried so hard not to be judgemental while reading this post...but I just cant help it.To me,it is plainly obvious you got pregnant on purpose.A nurse,who knows all about birth control and when she was ovulating.The question is,why? are you that stupid? Hasnt years of women doing this taught you anything? Getting pregnant may have kept the guy around in the 1950's,but today it just makes men run away even faster. Sure,you have trapped him into being a part of your life for the next 18 years,but it is certainly not because he wants to be!!! No offense,but you really give women a bad name.And,you have put yourself and your baby in a very vulnerable position.Dont you ever watch Forensic files? Women in these situations are much more likely to be killed.Go watch the movie Match point.
This whole situation is very disturbing to me. Let's see how you rationalize this to your child.This is so Fatal Attraction.I totally feel for this guys fiance.You are obviously incapable of thinking of anyone but yourself.See how much you love this child when you are the only one taking care of it and cant find another man because you have no free time or money.Sorry,but child support doesnt make you pay much if you dont have it.I know many women who barely get by even with child support.Maybe then you will see the true consequences of your actions.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

christine...just wondering how you are doing? Where does he stand on all of this now? How are you feeling about him now?


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

WOW!

What were you thinking? I've made some bad choices in my life, but it seems like every choice you made with this guy from start to finish was bad! You knew he was involved with someone, you should have never even considered anything with him. Your morals told you it was selfish and wrong, but a one night stand was okay? What kind of morals are those? Come on, "wrong is wrong" no matter how you try to justify it! You control what you do. Even if he pursued you, it would have been up to you what to do. So you and you alone are accountable! You should back out of his life, tell him you might be pregnant, let him tell his fiance, and figure your life out!

Have you learned anything from this?


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Bump


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

nurse christine, the baby must be due shortly, and I am wondering if he came through for you? Did he tell her about you, or did he go ahead and marry her? Will he be paying child support for your child, or is he going to help you raise your baby?

How are you doing?


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Bump


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Die, thread! Die!


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Bumping this up for yet another poster in love with an engaged man.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Bumping this up for phoenixphoenix...another woman in love with an engaged man.

Nurse christine, wondering how you are doing.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

the silence is deafening.

one serious issue is that while nc may not be responsible for man's promise to fiance, there is the potential issue of aids. this changes everything for me. someone's life could be at risk. of course the fiance needs to be told. when nurses are having unprotected sex, and they know all the dangers, it makes me wonder just how careful are most people?

there's no way around the truth, even though it's inconvenient and ugly. you are treated by the world in the way you allow yourself to be treated. you must respect yourself and honor yourself. if you manipulate and lie and get "away" with it, as in, the unexpected pg wins you the man, guess what? you're not winning any prize. I wish this weren't true. But I would lay money on it.

Be careful where you point your feet, because that's where you're gonna end up.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Oh, let's bump up the Rosetta stone, shall we?


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

hahah Rosetta stone. asolo you are funny.


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Kid is now 5, Nurse Christine works for Planned Parenthood, and cheater has impregnated 2 more nurses......Jilted fiance is dating George Clooney......


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RE: Involved with a man who is engaged to be married

Asolo wants this post to disappear, and I keep hoping people will learn something from it. Nurse Christine represents these women who play this game of on going flirting, for the sheer challenge of winning the guy. Even if it is just for the night. These women do not care if these men are engaged, or married with children for that matter. It is all an ego trip for them, helping them to believe that they are attractive and have power. They leave devastation in their wake and could care less about the pain they create. They only care about themselves and getting what they want. And then they come up with all sorts of reasons to justify their behavior, so they can continue to feel good about themselves in spite of glaring moral reasons they shouldn't.


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