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Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

Posted by RedRiderRS (My Page) on
Wed, Sep 5, 12 at 1:52

I am twenty-five years old and have been married since I was nineteen. My husband is the only man that I have ever been with. I've known him since I was fifteen.
My husband has also had anger managment issues, but it wasn't until we got married that it became directed towards me. He tells me loves me and that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him, but as soon as we get into a spat, even if it's something that most people wouldn't give a second thought to, he lashes out me. Sometimes he calls me names or throws the things that he has done for me in my face in the midst of an argument. One time he slammed one of my guitars into the couch because we didn't leave as early as he wanted for our roadtrip.
I have alot of pets and, though he acts like he enjoys them when things are good between us, he uses them as fuel for his anger when we get into a fight.
He belittles who I am as a person, (I am very optimistic. Because of that, he says that I don't take anything seriously).
He is constantly on my case about my sarcastic humor, though he is the same way.
I've been sleeping on the couch for two summers because he hasn't yet replaced our bedroom's AC unit.
When we fight he won't talk to me even when I try to talk to him. He says that I never understand him and he can't talk to me in a nice manner because I don't "get it".
Looking back on our courtship, I can see a few warning signs that I wasn't mature enough to recognize at the time, but he never acted quite this rageful towards me in the past. Currently I can't even say that I am in love with him anymore. Really the only thing that makes me question leaving him is because he says he loves me and that he does let me have almost anything I want if we can afford it and I also fear that I would hurt him if I left. I don't WANT to hurt anybody, but I fear that staying is becoming quite emotionally unhealthy for me.
I want children in the near future, but I don't want them with my husband because I don't think that we are in a stable place. I feel that I should leave him before any children come into the picture to avoid hurting more people.
I would greatly appreciate anyone's insights, opinions, or quesitons for clarity.
Thank you!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

Red flags all over the place. Does he get physically abusive? What does he do to the pets? Because that is probably what he will do to you.

Why are women so "nice"???? He is verbally and emotionally abusive and belittles you, yet you are worried about hurting his feelings? He can take care of himself.

As for his saying he loves you and buying you stuff - that is like buying off a kid with some candy and a toy. It is also the hallmark of an abuser. They get very sweet after they abuse the victim.

You sound like a smart girl. I think you know the answer to this.


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RE: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

@scarlett2001
He has never been physically abusive to me, though he has lost his temper on one of our dogs once (that I know of). And I believe that he threw an object at my mom's crated dog while we were gone from the house because the dog was incessantly barking.
I ask him what he expects me to think if we were to thave children, but he insists that I'm overreacting because, he says, "you can reason with children, at least, eventually."
There was one time where he came very close to grabbing my shirt during an argument, but thought better of it.
He just gets upset over the most minute things and he acts very irrational.
I asked him recently why he loves me and wants to be married to me. He didn't say anything for a minute or two. Then he answered that he liked my sense of humor (which is hypocritical since he's constantly complaining about my sarcasm), and he said that there is "just something about me".
I do know what is best for me. It's just such a big decision that I just want to ask as many people for advice as I can to be absolutely certain.


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RE: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

"..he does let me have almost anything I want if we can afford it and that I would hurt him if I left..."

And you're going to let this impact your decision? If you do, and wind up staying with him, when things get really bad in future you will have no one to blame but yourself.

Please don't have kids with this man until he gets his anger under control...it will only make things worse.


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RE: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

@mkroopy
It's just weird because when we're not actually fighting, things are great. We just had a fight, one that was bad enough to make me feel that we should go to marriage counseling again. When I brought it up to him he said that we didn't need to bother our counselor with it- our problems are things that my husband and I need to discuss.
Anyway, we did end up going, but he only went to hear what I had to say. Afterwards, when we were in the car, he was all smiles and asked if everything was okay. Since the sessiion, I have been rather standoffish just because I feel cold towards him and the things he has put me through. But he has been doing things that he doesn't normally do- calling me pet names, asking if I want to cuddle, sending me "I love you" messages from work.
I guess it's these actions from him that make me wonder if I am jerk for acting like it's "too little, too late". It's just that, this cycle keeps happening over and over again.


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RE: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

No, this is him realising that if you divorce, he may lose half your mutual assets. Now that you're showing signs of not being happy, he's covering his a$$. See how he didn't have anything to say to the counsellor?
If he thinks you can reason with children, clearly he hasn't had anything to do with them very much. How can you reason with someone who doesn't even speak English? Don't have children with this man. Your first instinct, to leave, is a good one. Don't second guess yourself and stay in an abusive relationship, leave ASAP.


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RE: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

@colleenoz
Thank you for your reply.
Yeah, basically the only thing that he had to say to the counselor was about how hurt he was about a comment that I made. After our last conflict, I had tried to talk to him and he blew me off. I told him, "Well, I tried to talk to you and you ignored me. Just come to me when you're ready to be a husband." Granted, it was probably harsh to put my feelings in those words, but I was basically saing that I was done chasing him like I always do. If he wanted to fix the problem, he needs to come to me and show me. The way I presented my emotions rubbed him the wrong way because he said to the counselor, "Being a husband is all encompassing, It's not just about emotions." Well, yeah. But it is also about my emotions and, most of the time, he does a terrible job taking care of them.


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RE: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

The sweetness is a manipulation tactic. It's a classic. Are you still going to counseling without him? If you have a competent counselor, that may be the support you need to think your way through this.


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RE: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

"Currently I can't even say that I am in love with him anymore."

Do you have parents or an older, trusted family member who can give you some support, and listen to your problems ?

You sound like a sensible girl. You don't seem to think he would make a good father.

For him to improve his anger issues he would have to admit that he has problems. This will be difficult for him.

You are still young and have a lot of years ahead of you. Time to think about YOUR future without a manipulating man in your life.


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RE: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

This is common and typical of emotionally and verbally abusive men. Everything you said and everything you came back to add are all typical. Everything he does; all of his reasons; his refusal to go to counseling saying "we don't need it"; your complaints; how you feel about it all, every bit of it - typical. You can read up on verbal and emotional abuse to understand what is happening to you.

Unfortunately, there are no answers and no solution except for you to get away from him. Yes, he will cry and beg and plead with you not to leave (or to come back). Yes, he will have you thinking you have hurt him terribly. Yes, he will declare how much he loves you and tell you everything you want to hear. Yes, you will feel guilty like it's an awful thing you did to leave him or to even think about leaving him. Then, you will change your mind and give him another chance. For a while, things will be much better, but they always turn back around again. You're already familiar with the cycles. They never stop repeating.

All of that is typical too.

You can be the typically abused woman and spend a bunch more years of your life in these cycles, or you can break the cycle for yourself and move on because he will never change. I know it's not easy. It's hard as can be, and you want to be certain you're making the right decision. That also is common, but these are your only options - stay or leave.


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RE: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

Thank your lucky stars you don't have children with this man.

Abusers (and he is one) alternate strategies. One day "good guy" one day "bad guy" to keep you off balance. First he says you're worthless, then he says he loves you. And just when you're thoroughly sick of mistreatment he'll bring you flowers. Ultimately it makes you doubt yourself and your own judgement, which is what he wants.

Keep in mind also that couples counseling is generally not useful with abusive people. They use counseling as an opportunity to learn new strategies for manipulation.

Instead, focus on counseling for yourself with a therapist who can help you sort out the reality from the illusion.

Whatever you decide for yourself, please re-home your pets. You can choose to stay with this person but they are dependant on your for their wellbeing and safety.


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RE: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

YES. Sounds like a crap way to live, to me. And I know. He sounds like an emotional abuser to me. and I know.

You are worthy of a life, too. Without rage and mean.

Think about it. What will happen if he tires of just yelling and throwing? WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE WAITING FOR? GET OUT! Now while you can. Find someone that respects you. Treats you with compassion. Stop selling yourself short. Aren't you worthy of love and compassion and at the very least - RESPECT?

It is NOT working. Of course he will tell you anything to get you to stay, for you feel a need of HIS! A sick, co-dependent need. Please get out. You see the warnings - HEED THEM.
Perhaps get help for yourself if you feel - as to why you would allow someone to harm you emotionally and lie to get you to stay in harms way? Protect yourself. NOW.

Trust me. I know. Good luck to you.


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