"I still WANT to be with him but I don't know what to do"

Under what conditions?

What if your children have access to his porn, especially with it right there? I don't get the whole video game game thing, but I know it is a addiction for some along with the porn. He sounds like he has a addictive personality and You can do nothing about that other than protect yourself. I would recommend some type of 12 step group similar to alanon for you & kids if old enough. Also the book co-dependant no more. Othe than that I guess you need to decide if these are things you can live with if he is not really willing or able to stop.

Perhaps some serious therpy for his addictions is in order?

I feel for you, sounds like a intolerable situation.

Sounds like a real jerk. However, would be interested in a few details.

Your kids together? How old? How long marriage? First marriage? Are these changes you're describing or was he always like this? Is it getting worse or better? Have you overstated these complaints or is it a fair representation? What are his good points? What did you like about him in the beginning? What do you like about him now? How old are you?

From your description, I can't imagine any attraction at all. Obviously there's more in the mix.

I would like to know if he has changed his behavior ? Is this a new occurance his computer obsession or has he always been like that and it's finally starting to annoy you ?

You both have to think of the effect this is having on the children. Their father is a role model, and a not very good one at the moment. Also, how YOU handle this situation is all being taken in by the children.

Some serious action needs to be taken, perhaps you should go and talk to a marriage counsellor to give you some ideas on how you can handle this very difficult situation. You can have some objectivity, then, it's difficult to be objective when you are stuck in the middle of the situation.

All the best to you.

First off, thank you for all of your advise.
I am 21 my husband is 31. we have been married for almost 4 years and together for 5.
This was NOT heppening when we first got together....the porn thing maybe but not the video games.
Unfortunately I am not exaggerating at all. He really does spend every moment off of work on his game. And gets insanely mad if it gets interrupted.
There are some good things about him too. He knows how to be the man of every womans dreams when he wants to be.
But he just lives for this game and tells me he has no "desire" for sex (he says not because of me but because of his past...?) yet he has PLENTY of desire for porn!
It really makes me feel like I'm not good enough!
We had a talk about this the other day and it all came down to him making me feel horrible because he said that this is "who he is" and all i want to do is change him...that i have to accept who he is if i really love him.

Yet (although this sounds ridiculous to some, pet owners may understand...)I was a devout pet owner when I met him and now I'm not allowed to have pets otherwise he says I am "taking food out of our childrens mouths to feed my animals"
I guess the conditions under which I want to be with him are either he changes the way I have had to or that he accept me the way he expects me to accept him.

I have flaws and ideas that he doesn't believe; to most people if they don't agree, they leave it at that, to him, if he doesn't agree with something or understand it, that means it's not a valid feeling, event, need, etc.
I tried telling him (from the advise on this from another forum) to just tell him that I am hurt when I cant spend anytime with him. and as soon as the word "hurt" came out of my mouth he started roling his eyes and saying "oh jesus christ! I'm not a possession and it's not my fault you can't entertain yourself!"

I really don't know we'll have one good day but then the next 7 are horrible and I want nothing but out....It just hurts more after a good day because it proves he KNOWS how to be the great guy i married but he chooses to be something else.
He says I should feel lucky that he's still put up with me because no one else would deal with my "neediness".
I am FAR from needy! I have even tried telling him can I just get 5 min a week to tell ytou whats on my mind you don't even have to listen just pretend you are!
He told me "you know all of my friends say I need to go get something better"
Well....i don't know his friends they've never met me and last they heard about me, my husband had decided to take 4 days off of work to play his game and when he went back to work and they asked why he wasn't there, he broke out in tears and told them that I had taken our three kids and dissappeared for 10 days! I WAS AT HOME THE WHOLE TIME!!!!
So OF COURSE his friends think I'm a horrid, heartless B***H!
Unfortunately we used to live in another state and he did this at that job too.....but once they met me and they saw it wasn't true, he quit his job out of nowhere and he suddenly turned on his best friend and started saying that we were sleeping together, that I "wanted" his friend and that his friend was a "loser" and everything else.
I know this probably just sounds pathetic but I am lost he really DOES know how to be the PERRRRFECT guy. but I feel it may be just an act although i don't know why he'd "fake it" as he really doesn't seem to care about me anymore.

Oh dear. Your first post was mostly sad, but this one has me really scared for you. Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) on line and do some reading. There were a couple of key phrases that make me say that:

"This was NOT heppening when we first got together... He knows how to be the man of every womans dreams when he wants to be." (Yes, he does know what to do, but it takes a lot of effort. He was pretending then, but it's too much work now. You know the old adage "You can fool some of the people some of the time?" -- He fooled you most of the time at first, but can't anymore, so he's had to switch his tactics.)

"I have flaws and ideas that he doesn't believe; to most people if they don't agree, they leave it at that, to him, if he doesn't agree with something or understand it, that means it's not a valid feeling, " (To the narcissist, only his feelings are valid and/or important. Yours are annoying, wrong, stupid, misguided, unreasonable, trivial...)

"I tried telling him (from the advise on this from another forum) to just tell him that I am hurt when I cant spend anytime with him. and as soon as the word "hurt" came out of my mouth he started roling his eyes and saying "oh jesus christ! I'm not a possession and it's not my fault you can't entertain yourself!" (No - it's your fault. Everything that's wrong is your fault. Nothing is his fault. Ever. And read the above about your feelings -- They simply don't matter to him because he can't give them near-equal wieight to his own.)

"It just hurts more after a good day because it proves he KNOWS how to be the great guy i married but he chooses to be something else." (Clarification -- He knows how to ACT like a good guy. He's playing a role. Pulling this persona out of his little bag of roles and putting it on for the occasion.)

"He says I should feel lucky that he's still put up with me because no one else would deal with my "neediness". (This one is actually abusive. Deep down inside, he knows HE'S tho one no one would put up with for long, but that's WAY down deep inside and you'll never get him to admit it. He needs to put and keep you in an 'inferior' position and will go to any lengths to do this.)

"Well....i don't know his friends they've never met me and last they heard about me, my husband had decided to take 4 days off of work to play his game and when he went back to work and they asked why he wasn't there, he broke out in tears and told them that I had taken our three kids and dissappeared for 10 days." "!" (This is scary -- that he'd go to such lengths to tar your reputation with his friends. But he was playing a role that he somehow 'needed' to play -- innocent victim, grieving father. He had to somehow resurrect his image from 'unreliable employee' to 'tragic victim' or 'tragic hero -- and the damage to you may have simply been 'collateral damage' to him.)

" he did this at that job too.....but once they met me and they saw it wasn't true, he quit his job out of nowhere and he suddenly turned on his best friend and started saying that we were sleeping together, that I "wanted" his friend and that his friend was a "loser" and everything else. (This is pretty standard for narcissists. Once someone stops believing, the narcissist suddenly does a complete 180 and the former 'friend' becomes the worst possible person -- scum of the earth.)

But most of all, this:

"I know this probably just sounds pathetic but I am lost he really DOES know how to be the PERRRRFECT guy. but I feel it may be just an act although i don't know why he'd "fake it" as he really doesn't seem to care about me anymore."

That is SO typical of what the surviving spouse says of a narcissist. Part of you knows it's an act. That he goes from act to act, all performed for the outside world to show what a great guy he is. After only five years, you're still worth an act or two every now and then -- enough to string you along and keep you in line. So long as it works and you keep longing for him and admiring him and playing the game his way... But his 'cracks' are beginning to show and you're experiencing doubt about who this man really is. And if he ever feels you've lost faith in him, then he'll turn on you the same way he turned on his former friend, because to the anrcissist, everyone and everything is disposable -- except his own pretend self-image.

I so hope I'm wrong --
But protect yourself, and see if the Narcissistic Personality shoe fits.

Whoa! Change of opinion here based on this disclosure. Your husband is whacked. There's a whole lot going on with him that bodes VERY ill for himself, you, and your family. I'm not giving it any names but be careful, sweetheart. There's some serious sickness going on here.

HOLY COW!!
NPD seems to hit the nail right on the head! And I mean it hits the nail HARRD on the head!

There are VERY rare times that he wikl try to "explain" or "excuse" his behavior and it always goes back to his childhood. Things his father did or said to him and how he's "afraid" or always feels like he's being attacked because I'm "jealous" just like his father was.
Sadly I DO feel for him as, (if it's all true-no one in his family remembers any of the 'abuse' and he's made some VERY radical claims-i.e. his father hit him so hard that it detatched his retinas?? not too positive but i do believe this would equal being BLIND??), anyhow...i had a not-so-lovely childhood myself so I do get a bit sad when he tells me things that he said happened to him. but as SOON as I show any signs of ...i don't know ...Feeling (?) he does a 180 and goes back on the attack.

He also has an uncanny way of dealing ONLY in extremes. i.e. the other day, our nearly 4 year old, who is going through a phase where hes testing what he can and cant do, was acting up, my husband yelled for him to stop his behavior and my son walked up and hit my husbands leg. My husband then glared at my son for a moment and then out of NO WHERE put his hand on his head and shoved him down.
I went in to help my son and told my husband to go cool off and when i came out of my kids' room my husband had million excuses "I won't just let him hit me" "hes not going to get away with that s**T" and when i said he doesn't need to hit but instead you just taught him that SHOVING is an acceptable response! Then he said " he asked for it!"
I COULDN'T believe it! How could he feel so threatened by a little boy that he needs to try to fight him! literally physically fight with a little boy!
Well when he saw how upset I was by the whole deal, he said FINE next time he hits me i'll give him a big hug and then you'll be happy.
I proceeded to ask him why he treats raising our children like a game : he'll do things with the kids that no normal parent would even think of....as if our kids would just KNOW he's "bluffing" or that he doesn't mean what he says. He KNOWS that hitting/pushing them is wrong, yet when i say that I don't approve , then he does something else that is COMPLETELY ridiculous....and he "excuses" it by saying "No, this is what you wanted!" if i try to say "I never said anything about doingthis, he'll cut me off and say something to the effect of, "nope, youre getting youre way, we'll do things as you want!"
It's confusing as heck to our kids!
My 4 year old is not potty trained yet...he is NOHTING but confused. My husband used to yell at him, spank him and even taunt him ("your such a little baby for pooping in your diaper!" etc.) for having accidents, then he'd make my son sit on the toilet for an hour or more and still sit there and make fun of him.
THEN when I finally got the nerve to say something, he started LITERALLY giving him CANDY when he pooped in his diaper!!!! Then once again he said it was MY idea and he was just doing what I "made" him do!!!!!!!!

Once again, I KNOW that this seems crazy, I have no friends anymore becase they all think i'm nuts for staying with him but I guess to be perfectly honest, i keep thinking that his behavior is SO insane that someday he'll HAVE to wake up!
I am only 21 and have 3 children who are my life. My family has given up on helping because of my husband and I guess somewhere inside, I KNOW I need to leave, but i guess the fear of being alone and trying to live on my own is scary.
Right now my husband uses my van to get to and from work.....he totalled his truck and refuses to get another car. If I go anywhere, which i only go to the store to buy diapers groceries etc. but anytime I leave, he complains later that i'm gone too long and that the van is his because HE pays for the gas, insurance, etc
he has recently found something else that makes me feel horrible....EVERYTHING is his because HE paid for it all. if i am sitting on the couch watching TV, he'll turn it off and tell me "go sit on your own couch, watch your own cable that YOU paid for on your own TV" the other night we were fighting and our daughter woke up hungry, i was in the living room with her and turned on the light to feed her when he saw the light from the bedroom he came out and killed the circuit breaker and told me that i could use the lights when i paid for the electricity.

when we first got pregnant, we agreed i was to stay home with the kids. well, last summer he quit his job out of the blue (the one with his friend that he turned on) and came home and announced that we were moving to NY!! He said that his family had a job and a house waiting for us but when we got there we had NOTHING. we literally ended up living in his parents backyard in a tent. they wouldn't help us at all and my kids and I were not welcome in the house.
After a few months i said I was coming back here because my family could help me and my kids and winter was coming, we could not stay in the tent. well, HE decided to leave without telling anyone we were going and then later blamed it all on me...he said that i sabotaged him and his family from the first day we went out there.
anyhow when we got back my father put us up in a hotel for a month. I got a VERY good job that was technically beyond what I was "qualified" for on paper. Well one day we got ina fight and i was on my way out the door to work when he said if you walk out that door, these kids will be here alone because I'm leaving.
He didn't leave that night but i lost my job I couldn't go because unfortunately he had done the exact same thing before on my third day of work and when I left to go to work and blew off his threat, he DID leave and luckily i saw him as i turned away from the hotel and i went back.
Anyhow, so i have no money, no job and the only possession in my name is my van which i think he will drive until it breaks down and THEN get the sports car he's been researching.
My computer mysteriously broke down recently so now i can only use his when he's not home. Strangely enough, my cell phone that I paid for a long time ago ALSO broke down and the day after, he announced he had ordered a cell phone for me.... WHich i don't want because it's just one more thing that will be taken away when he's mad since he paid for it.
i know this is just ridiculous but I really don't know what else to do. I met him when I was 17 and didn't finish high school, i can't go for my GED as I have no babysitter and the last tiem i had a test scheduled he ended up at his favorite bar all night. I don't forsee myself gettign a job as the last one i had i was a "no show" for....no one wants to hire a high school drop out, no-show...
Wow...I must really sound pathetic
Sorry for the rambling but I just wish things were the way they used to be...and still are every once in a while!
He shows me ABSOLUTE BLISS and then it all falls down and I wonder what I did wrong.

"and I wonder what I did wrong."

Yeah, there are some things you've done wrong, but the list is much, MUCH shorter than you think. And you do have some formidable obstacles in your path -- three children and no diploma is a challenge. But you CAN get through this, with some help from outside your marriage. The longer you stay in this marriage, the more depleted you will become, and the harder it will be for you to muster the courage to leave and start over.

Call a charity that works with battered women -- because yes, you ARE being abused, and so are your children. Right now, it's verbal and psychological. (And perhaps it will never escalate to physical - but it's still abuse, and survivors of multiple kinds almost universally say that the psychological abuse is the worst.) So call that hotline and arrange to talk to a counselor there. Do NOT talk to your husband about your plans and do NOT tip your hand. It may take months to lay the foundations that will enable you to leave and start over, and you don't want to get even more cut off before then.

If you're anything like I was (near the end of my psychologically abusive marriage to a man with NPD), you probably realize on some level that he's sick, and that therefore, it's not really his fault. And there's some truth to this -- he IS sick. But this is not one of those temporary setbacks every marriage must go through. This is a long term personality disorder that has and will continue to hurt you and your children. (Think of what your children are seeing! Is this what you want them to believe a marriage is/should be like?) Your husband will NOT change and he will NOT get well. You can't fix him. You can't even HELP him. So help your children, and help yourself.

Make a plan --

I agree, that is just crazy, call a few shelters, make a plan and get yourself andyour children out of there.

Would your family help you if you told them you were ready to get out for good? I bet they would..

I don't see any reason for you to stay with him, a few moments of bliss? No where in your posts did anything sound blissful, just like one gigantic head game..

You can make it on your own, you practically are anyway so, make your escape plan. And lik Sweeby says do not let him know aything about it. Clear the cookies & history off the computer after each use so he can't find this web address.

Whoa,

You've been involved with him since you were 17? And he's 10 years older than you? And he's engineered things so that you now have no financial resources, no transportation, and limited means of communicating with the outside world? And he physically and mentally abuses your children? And-- at least-- mentally abuses you to the point at which he says you're not allowed to have the lights on because you personally aren't paying for the electricity? Or sit on the couch because you personally didn't purchase it?

His behavior is extremely abusive, and believe me, he is NOT the man of every woman's dreams.

Your story reminded me of an appalling Oprah show awhile back about spousal abuse. The show had a link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website. It may be able to help you more.

This is their front page: http://www.ndvh.org/
This is their page about determining if you're abused: http://www.ndvh.org/help/abuse_quiz-help.html
This is their page about safety and getting out: http://www.ndvh.org/help/planning.html

Thank you so much , all of you.
The truth is he has been physically abusive as well. I don't like to talk about it because it's embarassing. He always tells me it's my fault and that I had it coming.

Somewhere in me I KNOW that the good parts of him are only fleeting and that it isn't how he will ever be on a regular basis but yet I still hurt knowing that his "act" is everything I want. I want so badly to beilieve i am doing something wrong and that If i just improve it will all get better but reading all of this I started crying because I know that it's the truth that the odds of him "getting better" are nearly impossible. Everything I have read today on NPD says the same; that because they always think they are right and perfect, they won't seek help and won't admit fault and that the more guilt they feel deep deep inside because they know in a way that they're wrong the more the disorder causes them to lash out.
It hurts so badly to hear/read what I already knew, the relationship I had a long time ago was never real, this IS who i married and just didn't see it.
I LOVE my children they are my life, I would never regret them yet I feel horrible that even after I leave him I can't change who their father is.
I wish i could have seen this coming.
You guys have no idea how bad this hurts. I just wish I could explain it all and understand it all

Of course it hurts. Probably scary, too. Explain and understand later - although you'll never get all of it. However, get out now. Save your children and yourself. I suspect you'll find the world more welcoming than you're thinking from your present perspective.

"but yet I still hurt knowing that his "act" is everything I want. "

Important distinction: What you WANT (and deserve) is a man who's core character is what your husband is pretending to be when he bothers to pretend. That's a Very Big Difference. Night and Day.

"yet I feel horrible that even after I leave him I can't change who their father is."

No you can't. But YOU can recover. You can get through this stronger and smarter and more resiliant. And then you can show your children who their Mother really is -- someone who stood up to abuse and refused to take it, someone who left with next-to-nothing for the sake of her children and for her own sanity. And by your example, and then later, by your gentle but honest explanations -- You can help them understand that their father is 'broken' and that they need to trust their own experiences and inner voices over his words.

You can't change the past.
But you can make a BIG DIFFERENCE in the future.

"You guys have no idea how bad this hurts. I just wish I could explain it all and understand it all"

I think I understand pretty well since I was in a similar situation for 8 years. 8 years that I was afraid to leave because I was afraid to be on my own and because I thought each and every time that he reverted to the "wonderful man mode" that he would stay there. Ha! No way, in fact the bad times got longer and more often, I was wife #3 of 4 and we all divorced him for the same reason, emotional abuse. For a long time it was hard for me to believe it was a form of abuse because it was not physical. All I know is, he made me hurt inside my heart, and that felt pretty danged bad. I called and cried on my family's shoulder until they were sick of hearing it. Once he hit me with a screwdriver he'd thrown at me and I had the police come so I could pack suitcases and get myself and my kids out of the house. We went to my dad's and the first thing he asked was "when can you leave?" I don't think that was very nice of my dad. I went through lots of times like this, leaving and going back. Mostly I'd leave for the weekend hoping he'd miss me and beg for me to come back. Sometimes he did and we'd be happy for a week or two then it would happen all over again. He would just out of the blue not talk to me for 1-2 weeks, not stay in the same room with me, drop me off at home after work then go out for dinner by himself, throw plates of dinner I had made into the trash (plate and all) break things, and throw things at me (screwdrivers, beer bottles, keys, rocks all come to mind) just out of the blue without giving me a reason. If I asked why he'd say something like "I knew it was all over for us when you didn't put my dinner on my plate" or "If you don't know then you're stupid." He was really hateful toward me. We went to three marriage counsellors before I finally realized he was not going to change. I used to save up money out of the grocery money so I could afford to leave, but then he'd be good for a few weeks and I'd spend it on something, then the cycle would repeat.

I had to get a job at minimum wage and use my experience there to get another job a few years later with more pay, then finally received a bonus which was just enough to put a deposit on a little apartment for me and my kids. What surprised me was how much better I was on my own than I thought I'd be! It was hard being alone at first and I was depressed, but I think just because things were different, not bad. Sure was nice to have control of my own money and my own life. In fact, when I remarried years later I asked that we keep individual bank accounts. When we retire that may change but we never argue over money. I wish I had not wasted those 8 years, but what we go through makes us what we are.

Fast forward 17 years I have been married for 9 years to a normal man and sometimes it's been difficult knowing how to react to normal situations. We each have hobbies we enjoy on our own, and sometimes I still have to ask him to reassure me it's okay for me to go off and do XX without him. Funny, sometimes normal does not feel normal. But mostly, life is really good.

My opinion is that you are being abused and you should run like the wind. I also agree that you should not tip him off to your plans because things are likely to get very ugly. He is holding you hostage. Is he perhaps getting you a phone that he can have access to your calling records? Be careful. I wish you the best.

My situation was considerable similar to yours. Except I was older. I put up with his hell for 20 years. Please don't stay in it as long as I did. I didn't leave for so long because I "loved" him and believed love was forever. I thought my kids deserved to live with both parents. I thought if I would only cook better, clean better, look prettier, he'd be happy. It was not possible. When he started to physically abuse the kids, I had to end it. It broke my heart to "hurt" him - but I don't think he really hurt, just got incredibly angry. Thank G@d the kids and I escaped with our lives, although a year or two ago after 15 years being divorced, he stalked me on the way home from work. Every second of the old fears came back ten-fold. I turned him into the cops, not because they could do anything, but I wanted a public record in case he tried to hurt me or my family.

Well Rodeo, you are young you have so much life ahead of you. You can rise above your distressing situation, take control of your life and move on.

Don't make excuses for him, any more. You deserve better, there are better people out in the world who will help you and befriend you.

All the best to you and your children.

You are only 21 and you have a VERY big problem to deal with. While you sound intelligent, I can't imagine any 21 year old with enough life experience to understand this and act without a lot of professional help. Please go to a counselor - there are some with sliding scale fees or even an emergency counseling referral. You are going to need help to take care of yourself and your kids.

How did it happen that your family stood by and let you slide into this mess and have 3 kids by the time you are 21? He was clearly too old to be messing with a 17 year old girl, and he was 27? And he abuses you as well? If a guy like that came around my daughter he would be dealing with Momma, here. And some buckshot, too.

Honey, we have all picked a few lemons in the Garden of Love. But we don't have to let them sour the rest of our lives. Please get out your Yellow Pages and start looking for a counselor.
Kisses and hugs and positive thoughts to you.

I have gone back and forth on leaving but mostly still worked towards it in general. I have tried to setlle a few things first so that I can minimize my own doubts before I take off. Generally I leave or he leaves and I feel like I could die until I see him again because I keep thinking I KNOW he loves me! He just had a bad day/week/month/ LIFE!
And I end up back with him just to do it all over.
When we are having a "good day" he tells me he loves me yet tells everyone else HORRIBLE things that i have "done" when none of them are true.
I tried to talk to my sister in law the other day and she laughed at me and said You B***h! he already called me and said how you took off with his kids and kicked him out and then cheated on him in your home with his son watching Leave me alone!!
I was BEYOND shocked!
Anyway to make a long story short. He spent the night in jail last night as he removed me from the bank account, stole my new cell phone and went to leave the house with all the money. I stepped in front of the door and he went to choke me as usual but I put my hand up and was able to scream for help and he threw me aside he left and the cops showed up. they picked him up a while later and now i have no clue whats next.
I called before bed last night to be sure he wasn't going to get out last night and yet I was STILL terrified all night.
I am going to bring my friends St Bernard over here she hates shawn and is very protective. It will make me feel better as lately he has been threatening to "slash my throat' or 'pound my face in with a hammer"
i KNOW I can do this!

You need to get the hell out of there, take your kids and go to a shelter PRONTO.

A dog isn't going to protect you from a hammer or a gun. He is violent, you and your children are in mortal danger-Is he going to have to kill you and leave your children motherless?

GET OUT NOW!

~Cat

http://www.ndvh.org/
http://www.ndvh.org/help/planning.html

Get out please before he is out on bond. I am so fearful for your life. Please call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and make a plan to get to safety NOW.

Don't risk your lives, just do it. We are here for you.
Please let us know you are safe and clear the cookies/history off your computer. Do not trust his family or friends.

~Cat

This is no time for dithering. Run. Hide. Think about it all later.

Oh honey, I am so sad to read your updates. Please get to a shelter as soon as you can. You are in danger.

LEAVE,right now!