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UPDATE: Is this an unhealthy marriage?

Posted by wifey1281 (My Page) on
Sun, Aug 18, 13 at 14:20

I don't know if any of you remember me. My last postings were when I lost my baby.

My husband and a went to a marriage crisis class - sort of. The Pastor at our church announced that a new trial component of this class that is held yearly would be option to take the class over the internet for satellite members. I felt like this would be the perfect opportunity for my Husband and I to take the class. The Pastor said no at first because he didn't want members who attended to get in the habit of participating by video. He later agreed that given the fact my Husband is in the public eye this might be good for us to do.

To rewind a little, after I began to assert myself more in the marriage, things got worse and worse. We were constantly arguing and having major fights about all kinds of issues. I really began to resent him but did not want to end the marriage because of my vows. Oddly enough, I also began to go with him more often when he traveled. Because I also had a few problems on my job because of traveling with him, he wanted me to quit my job but I didn't. At the point when we started the class, things were are an all time low, but not as low as they would get.Things were so bad that I didn't even want to have sex with him. Oh, I still enjoyed it but I did not want him to have any enjoyment.

We had to have a one on one session with the Pastor and his wife (everyone did, even the satellite participants via skype). My Husband ended up having to miss quite a few classes (5 out of 12) because of his work and travel schedule. Mid-way through the class we were called in to meet with the Pastor because of his missing the classes. In that session my husband said something that he thought about me that was devastating. I didn't see how anyone could love someone and think that about them. I really wanted to leave him then but pride stopped me. That was the all time low, but it ended up being a breakthrough in the marriage.

We finished the class and met with the Pastor a couple of times after. The class ended with a marriage retreat but we did not attend.

I am so glad that we attended this class. We were able to lay all of our hidden issues (and there were many) out on the table. I really was surprised that through all of this my Husband always maintained he thought we could save the marriage. Our relationship is much, much better now. It feels like we are finally having that "honey moon" period that we did not have at the beginning of the marriage. It is truly more like a partnership. I really feel that he was surprised that I actually bring something to the table besides intimacy, sex and affection (and cooking - LOL). To be truthful, so am I. This really did hurt me to discover that both of us thought so little of me. This was a tough one to work through. Another one that was surprising to me is the I really think that I have only just begun to really love him. I don't even know what I would call the emotion that led me to marry him.

Well, I guess I have to admit that all of you who intimated that the marriage would never work in its past state were right. We truly needed help and it really helped! I just felt led to post this as a kind of closure to this thread.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: UPDATE: Is this an unhealthy marriage?

Thank you for letting us know.

RE: UPDATE: Is this an unhealthy marriage?

Thank you for the update. I wish you continued improvement and happiness.

RE: UPDATE: Is this an unhealthy marriage?

So good to hear from you! Yes, I remember you well. I am glad to hear that there has been progress and hope that it and your happiness continues. Don't fall back into the old rut.

RE: UPDATE: Is this an unhealthy marriage?

Colleen yes so true (about not falling in old rut). I tend to get anxiety whenever I need to assert myself now because I'm afraid of a big argument although so far this has not happened. We have been able to work through conflict but have had to refer back to handouts. But hey that's what they're for! LOL I guess it's a form of PSD from when it got really bad and will go away with time.

RE: UPDATE: Is this an unhealthy marriage?

Hi everyone. I had a healthy (but tiny) baby girl last week, 5 lb 4. I knew when I posted my update but since I lost a baby last January I didn't want to include that in case I miscarried again. So yes, the update was kind of skewed to avoid that part of the story. I have tentatively decided to go back to work after six months but I can already tell that will be hard. One reason I don't mind as much is that if I go back, I'm going to Nanny share with a neighbor who lives in our building. We did decide to stay in the city but moved to a larger condo, still renting because we're just not sure we want to be in the city when she starts to be active.She will definitely be an only child!

Just thought I would update!

RE: UPDATE: Is this an unhealthy marriage?

Congratulations on your new baby! I'm very happy for you.

RE: UPDATE: Is this an unhealthy marriage?

Congratulations on your new little daughter! I do hope everything else is going well for you too, and that this new wee one is the apple of her Daddy's eye :-)

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