"....I get nervous at the thought of initiating something so I just don't do it."

If my woman never came on to me, I'd lose interest too. Might try turning the table a few times and see what happens.

Thanks asolo. The truth in your comment stung at first. But I am thinking up some plans for this weekend when we aren't so tired. Amazingly, just thinking of the options and his possible reactions is rather exciting. After reading some of the sad posts here I'm feeling fortunate that I've realized I need to make some changes. Hopefully I can help make our relationship a little better. I have truly taken DH for granted!
Kalahari

Sex is fun. Don't hesitate anticipating and acting. I'm thinking maybe both of you could benefit from a good tease-and-jump.

Well, I'm beginning to think I'm the one with the problem. I had planned on a little interlude Saturday night when neither of us was exhausted, but he wasn't feeling well and I was glad I was off the hook. I'd bought a new nighty that wasn't like flannel pajamas, and some flavored massage oil but then when I tried it privately it was not what I'd wanted as not oily and now all that just seems silly. Not only all this, but I am not sure what I want. I mean, sex always worked if you say we each got off but we did the same thing every time and I am bored with that. Yeah, what he did was good and it worked but I don't know how to tell him I want something different because I don't know what it would be. I tried to hint once and asked if he would like to try something else and he said no. I have all these wild thoughts in my mind but I know from experience that physically they don't work for me, only a few things do and that's so limiting. And I don't know how he'd react. I guess he could just say no. But I am too afraid to ask. Also, he does not last long so that puts the nix on a lot of my ideas. Sigh. Don't know why I'm posting all this personal stuff here with people I don't know. Just depressed.

Oh, Hell, Kalahari. Just tie him up and go for it.

LOL! That sounds so good! I've gotta find a way to get over my fears.

Fear = excitement = stimulation = whoopee. You've already got the trust so I suspect your "fear" is largely an illusion. Make him submit. : ) For heaven's sake, enjoy yourselves.

What did you do during courtship? Square that and act. (Or maybe cube it!)

I wish I could say something's happened in the two months since I've posted this but it hasn't.

You or he or both of you have fallen into patterns. You must must break them. Things don't change on their own.

What have you tried? Do you want sex? Do you like the idea of it? Do you like the idea of it with him? Have you discussed your meds with your Dr?

Have DH's doctor give him some viagra samples. Pop one, wait an hour, and he'll last as long as he wants.

You can actually have some fun with this if you're willing and want it.

Yes, we are definitely into our own patterns. I'm not sure I even want sex. I have no drive, and it's a lot of work for just the same thing over and over again. I'd bet he feels the same way. It's easier to take care of things myself, and now I know he does the same because I saw him through the window as I was leaving for work a couple of weeks ago and he thought I'd already left. I wasn't trying to spy and would never tell him I saw. I don't see anything wrong with it and I'm glad his stuff still works, actually!

I'm just afraid that if there isn't any intimacy in our relationship there will be no need for the relationship anymore. Last night I tried snuggling up with him and that was going well until he remembered something he had to get up and do. I ended up crying myself to sleep after he'd gone to sleep. I bet our versions of this event are totally different. His is, "I just remembered blah, blah, blah". My version would be that he found an excuse to get away from me.

I think my emotions are also out of whack this week because I'm depressed over having to put down a pet last week. Logically, I know this has sent me into a slight depression, but emotionally I am on edge and just have to keep my mouth shut until it passes.

I'm so sorry about loss of your beloved pet :0(

Why don't you just tell your DH you need some extra snuggles this week because you are so sad? This might even
help open the door to more intimacy between you two. Anyway
hugs & snuggles are always good even when there is no sex involved.

I know what you mean about the depression=no sex drive.

Anyway, it seems like you want to open the door here and become more intimate wth your DH, I think you should give it a go since otherwise your relationship is so good :0)

~Cat

That's a good idea Cat. Why don't I think of the obvious instead of letting my head run rampant?

DH's mom told me that his dad wasn't very romantic either. Romantic isn't the right word. Emotional maybe. He does a lot for me, I shouldn't complain. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, brings home flowers on special occasions, opens the gate and turns on the barn lights for me if I'm coming home late with horses (it was his horse I had to put down :-( but to him she was "livestock".) So why do I feel like something's missing? We have a "date" this Sunday for his birthday and I am looking forward to that! Maybe I shouldn't be stressing on the sex thing so much and concentrate on spending other time with.
Kal

Kalahari - I could have written your exact post. To the word.

I've been married 26 years. The sex went down hill fast. Now it's nonexistent. But we are both at fault -- I know that -- and neither one of us knows how to fix it. We can't even talk about it; we don't know where to start. We're best friends and love each other. I blame it on my husband's unaffectionate upbringing.

Sometimes I'm so unhappy. But I just don't know what to do. I could never leave him -- plus I know at 50 it's not like I'd suddenly find some great guy out there. It doesn't help that I am very financially dependent on him, having stayed home with our kids. I work FT now, but let's just say it's not a job that would support me in any manner I'm accustomed to.

It's pitiful really. Sometimes I can't figure out what I did to deserve living without even so much as a hug.

:(

ilikebeingfit,
I am so glad you posted! It helps to know there are others with marriages like this. Is it possible this is just the norm for us?

Yesterday DH and I spent some time together and he told me he finally realized the reason he plays video games all the time is because he's depressed. Tell me something I don't know! When he plays the games he doesn't have to think about anything else. His 18 yr old daughter is causing all sorts of problems and into drugs, etc. so he has good reason to be depressed. Before this, he was depressed about his job, now he has a better job but there are the daughter issues. He hasn't been doing anything more than what he has to do to get through the day. He used to like gardening, now he stays indoors. He hates getting up in the morning. All symptoms of depression. Somehow I don't think a confrontation from me about anything will be helpful at the moment. We need to discuss treatment for his depression.
Kal

I don't think anyone here has picked up on the low testosterone thing...that could have everything to do with it...why not consult the doctor or urologist?...My husbands testosterone is lower than it used to be and his sex drive is much lower as well. Also, taking antidepressants can do a number on a persons sex drive. I'm surprised that the doctors you see haven't discussed this with you both.

"as I do love the hell outa him and he is like my best friend in the whole world. Thing is, I want my husband to be more than my best friend."

You more or less have answered your own questions.

You just need to act on it all.

You mention your depression,his depression.

If he was a "girlfriend" you'd share that with her in a heartbeat,wouldnt you?

Well,share with him...get onto your bed together,turn out the lites,its' easier to express yourself if you's cannot see each others faces,and TALK

Then,once things start rolling,if it is meant to happen,"nature" will take its course.

Kalahari,

"...It's easier to take care of things myself, and now I know he does the same..."

So you both still want it and both still get it, but not from each other. Sounds like you need to do a little swap! Have you considered taking care of the other one without intercourse?

It sounds like you love one another, you've just gotten into a rut and this is just little bump in the road of a very nice marriage. Best of luck.

cindy pond,
Your comment about my doctor discussing it with me made the think back. I've been on the antidepressant since my mid-40's. At that time my doctor told me she figured my sex life was pretty much over with anyway. Now that I think about it, that wasn't a very nice thing to say! I still go to the same dr. office my particular practitioner has changed twice since then. Perhaps I'll talk to my new dr. about this. The thing is, Zoloft has worked very well for me for a long time so I hesitate to mess with that. Also, per my first post I never did have a strong sex drive in the first place. Now that I'm going through menopause I doubt it would make much difference even if I could switch drugs. Part of me wonders then, if I have no sex drive why am I complaining about not having sex? Because even though my husband assures me he loves me, and I believe him, I still feel unloved because of a lack of intimacy. I don't think he really needs intimacy honestly. So then I feel like I would just be making him do it to appease me, and that's no good. If I try to talk to him about this it will only put more pressure on him to again appease me, so I don't say anything. I have asked him a couple of times why we don't have sex anymore and he says "sex isn't everything" and mentions the hormone and drug interactions and says he just doesn't think about it anymore. But then I wonder if that's a lie because of the fact that I accidently caught him masturbating so he MUST think about it. When I think along those lines I think he's just bored with me or with our routine or maybe I just disgust him. But those tables could be turned so I can't be judgemental there.

I realize all of you have made suggestions and I am making excuses. I guess this has become my venting place for my frustration because I am afraid to talk to any of my girlfriends about it.