husband a financial nightmare!

emily2006

16 years ago

Hi everyone,

Can you stand another "what should I do story?" My husband and I have been married 5 years, together 8. He has 5 grown children and 9 grandchildren. I have one son who is mentally ill, seriously, and lives in a home I bought for him a number of years ago.

In any event, my husband kept a secret post office box, where he got his mail. He ran up tens of thousands of dollars in credit debt, and decided to file bankruptcy, this is at least the second time he's done this, maybe three times.

In any event, he has lied to me, I honestly believe he cheated on me, while I took care of his elderly Mother in my home.

When he filed bankruptcy, he used my homes as assets, which they were not. I've owned my home for 18 years, the other home, the little house my disabled son lives in, I've owned for 6+ years.

He doesn't pay any mortgage payments, he has lost everything he had, he sold my new pick up, 32K, and he sold it for 18K, forged the title.

I want to sell my house, and move. I don't know if I want to stay married. I adored my husband, with every part of my being. I have given thousands to his kids, helped them in everyway possible, taken his grandchildren on camping trips, bought their gifts, they are wonderful kids, as well as their parents. With the acception of his daughter, who never calls me unless she wants something.

I've done all the graduation parties, baby showers, you name it.

Now, with my son's illness and my husbands spending problem. All my savings are gone, my beloved ski boat, gone, my brand new camper-gone, my new truck- gone. All I have left is my homes, which are at risk because of him using them as HIS assets.

Our romantic life if almost non-existant, I told him quite bluntly, that if he did not start acting like a husband, I would bring in a "stunt-double" to do the work for him.

He then put out, his comment, "all I have to do to keep you happy is give you a 'jump' two or three times a week."

I read many of the postings, are men that dumb? Our problem is, we give them all that we have to give, and once they've used us up, we're trash.

My previous husband was a wonderful man, good to me, good to my son, excellent employee, we had a wonderful life together. He passes away, so this is all his fault.

I am partially disabled, so I can't work a full- time job until I adjust my education. I did have a position with the California office that I applied for, excellent benefits, wages, etc. I was dismissed from the position because they do not hire you if you have been involved in a bankruptcy. That's how I found out my husband used my homes and income, etc.

After all of this, he started taking credit cards out in his son's name, ran up several thousand dollars in debt, his son who is in college had no idea, I told him, after my husband refused to close the accounts.

I have no idea of what's next. My son would end up in some horrible flop house if I lost his little house. The mentally ill in this country do not have many options, and live on a very small income. His little house at least assures him a decent roof over his head. Plus something to call his own. He can afford to live there and when I die, it will be paid for.

Would you cut your losses and just be rid of someone like this? I had him go to therapy with me, (under the threat of divorce) he went three times and stopped.

I am terribly afraid of losing everything I've worked my entire life for. He's 68 i'm only 51, and have a long way to go yet.

This man, left me 2000 miles away from home, alone in a hospital, just so he could go home and not be nconvenienced, I was terribly ill, my heart would not beat fast enough, they didn't know why, so they kept me, and he left the very day I was admitted. Devotion? I wouldn't have done that to my dog.

He opts to sleep with the poodle, rather than me, I've asked him to put the dog in the other room, so there was room in the bed for me, he refuses.

What would you do? I've talked until I'm blue in the face. It doesn't sink in. He works a part-time job, and is gone everyday, working sometimes, sneaking off to play golf, or whatever other times.

What is your impression? This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Thanks,

Comments (20)

naughtykitty
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow. He sounds like a jerk. I would make sure my assets are secured and get out as soon as I could. There's no telling what someone like him is capable of. Good luck!
used2bsexy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree with naughtykitty. I know it won't be easy. Let him use someone else for a while. Are men really that dumb??? Yes!!! You said it best when you said ......we give them are all and when we are all used up they trash us. I know there are exceptions out there. (At least I think). It doesn't sound like you have any kids at home......so get out fast. I don't see this one changing. Best of luck to you. You sound like a very gracious person and he has taken complete advantage of that.
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Just an update> Whilst my husband was away i gathered as much information as i could just incase. When he got back he seemed really nervous and agitated, i don't know if that meant anything. I didn't really want to talk about his trip as i was still reeling from the fact that he went away and left us no emergency contact. He proceeded to tell me that he got his diving certificate whilst he was down there. I told him that i thought it was very irresponsible of him to not tell us he was going away till the last minute and not leave an emergency number. His reply to that..ou're going to have to accept me as i am and that includes me not wanting to leave an emergency number if he didn't want to.WOW. Thought i'd let things ride to see what happened. We have lived platonically since then. About 2 weeks ago he started to change his attitude. He became very respectful, helpful and considerate. He actually thanked me for shopping for his Mom's birthday, something he's never done before in 26 years. I started to think there might be some hope that we could work this mess out if this was going to be the NEW him. I was abit skeptical as previously when we've hd bad times he changes for a little while then everything goes back to the old ways. I was really starting to appreciate the NEW him. I could even bring up things that were bothering me without the fear of him getting upset and cold shouldering me. A few days ago he asked if i would bring him a cup of tea up to the bedroom, so i said sure. When i get up there he asks me to get into bed with him.\I knew where this was going but i thought we needed to sort some things out before i wanted to get intimate with him again. It has been on my mind recently that something might have happened down in the Dominican. So i said, if we're going to try to repair our damaged relationship there was some things that needed to be discussed.Iasked him if he had slept with anybody whilst in the Dominican. He refused to answer. So i said i'll take that as a yes then. He still didn't say anything but he turned into an angry man not the sweet kind one he'd been for the last two weeks. He said what do you expect you haven't touched me in 5 months.I said that i had a right to know if he had been with anybody else in order to protect myself. H accused me of rejecting him and sabotaging his efforts to mend the relationship. Was i wrong, i don't think so. I feel like he was only making an effort bacause he had an agenda, which robbed me of any hope.
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Hello I'm sorry if I have offended some people with my comments. I don't think I explained my situation very well and, as we are all prone to doing when we are feeling down, I focused too much on the negative in my posts. I hope that in not having put my best foot forward I haven't messed up my chances of being able to use the forum to offer and receive support in the future. I certainly didn't want to upset anyone. Hoping to clear up a few issues of doubt (my fault for not making it clearer): 1. I have no problem at all with my partner calling his kids once a day. Twice a day. Whenever he needs to. I should have made it clear that my gripe was with my partner usually calling his ex-wife when his kids aren't even there. This is his right, as their father, to ask about their well-being, but I happen to know that the conversations are rarely limited to his kids. 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sylviatexas1
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
sorry, didn't see this post, answered on the post about the husband who gives insultingly bad "gifts".

You gotta look after yourself & your son.

Get an attorney *now*, & put a stop to him listing your property as his assets in the bankruptcy.

Once a federal judge orders the "assets" sold, you're up the creek.

Don't waste time worrying about your "marriage";
this guy hasn't been acting in good faith for a long long time.
I think he went into it planning to take all your property & leave you destitute.

Hurry.
wantoretire_did
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
SEE AN ATTORNEY NOW!!!!
yborgal
16 years ago
Run, don't walk to your attorney's office. Leave him and take what you can. Show no mercy and let the miserable wretch deal with the mess he's created.
sweeby
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Agreed -- You need your own attorney NOW to help protect what you have left and try to get back what might already be gone. If you're hesitating thinking about what "you might be doing to your husband" -- think about what his behavior is doing to your son. Your son needs your protection now just as much as he ever did as a child, and for your husband to endanger his meager life-support system is criminal.
pfllh
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Get an attorney. It may be that once married, assets are considered mutual property in your state OR, you put his name on the properties. Then he could list what you say you own as his assets. If not, he's in BIG trouble and your properties can be taken off HIS bankruptcy.
Leave the toad or if in your house, kick his sorry a$$ out the door and file for divorce. Find out from the attorney what you can legally do. If allowed and it's a case where he wouldn't leave, I'd pack his things in nice black trashbags and put outside and make arrangements in advance to have the locks changed.
Get your accounts where he can't use them and take your name off his accounts. The attorney can advise you AND could write a letter to your former employer explaining of the bankruptcy is soley HIS and your current status of divorce.
I'm sorry you have all this on you. I really don't see him changing unless he gets hit in the head and can't remember how to be deceitful and manipulative!!!
Lynn
emily2006
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thank you, than you... I was agonizing over the vows I took, . . . in sickness and health, for richer for poorer. . .

I put my house up for sale, as soon as it sells, he's getting his walking papers. I am being secretive yes, becuase if he stops paying his settlement, they could very well come after my assets. I'll sign the other house over to my son, sign a quit claim deed, and he will become the legal owner.
In Wisconsin, the law sees the property as being solely mine. I owned it prior to marriage. The federal courts in a bankruptcy action, does not care who owns what, just that there are assets in the marriage.
I can't afford a divorce at this point, I can't afford to pay an attorney. So, it will have to wait for a number of months, or until the house sells.

As much as I love my husband, I am in love with someone who does not exist. He was a player, and played me until there was nothing left.

He deserves a nursing home! HA!
sweeby
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I loved reading how empowered you sounded on the 'sexless marriage' thread -- Here too! It's great that you got your 'mojo' back and your future is sounding brighter already.

But I'm very concerned with your "Can't afford an attorney right now" sentiment. Emily - Right now, you can't afford NOT to have an attorney! I hear you about being strapped for cash -- get that totally. But the financial impact of even a very small mistake right now could be devastating. You can't make one of those mistakes. Attorneys have their ways of getting paid or may agree to wait to be paid until they can help you free up enough assets to pay them. Really, it's part of this particular engagement and won't come as a surprise to any attorney who is well-qualified to help you. This is too important.

As an example, consider your son -- If you transfer ownership of the house to him, he will have substantial assets in his own name. This makes him ineligible for several key assistance programs that would otherwise be available to persons with disabilities. It also means he could sell the house at a cut-rate price to anyone who tells him a sympathetic story. I also have a disabled son, and plan to buy a house for him and put it into a trust for his benefit. That way, it preserves his eligibility for assistance and he won't be able to lose the house.

There are also issues to consider about the timing of a divorce relative to the timing of asset sales. Again, imagine if selling the house while you are married meant that your husband or the court could get their hands on your money.

Too important to go it alone!
emily2006
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You gave me some things to consider, thank you! Trying to figure out an avenue to take for solutions, can lead to not considering some of the other alternatives or consequences.

I may be able to find an attorney who owes me a favor or two. I've helped a couple of them win a couple of cases, I'm a death investigator, part-time, and I do excellent work, it's helped win a couple of negligence suits, I'll check with them.

Thanks again for the advice, I need all the help that I can get. Nice not to be alone, or isolated.
wantoretire_did
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Emily - The legal profession is very tight knit. If you have been involved with them, that's to your advantage. Find out who is a barracuda divorce lawyer and get help immediately. Many will give free consultations. This can't wait.

Carol - Many years as legal secretary/assistant in matrimonial law.
scarlett2001
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"Would you cut your losses and just be rid of someone like this?"
Jeeze, yes, in a New York minute! How can you even ask that question? Your husband is headed for jail if he continues and you for bankruptcy and living the rest of your life too poor to help your son. Where's that lawyer??
micke
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Another reason why not to sign the house over to your son is the fact that in some instances someone can take over the care of him and they can mess up good. Trying to think of what that is called, I had a client one time (I was a home health aide) that had CP, she was of sound mind even had a college degree, but the state came along took over guardianship of her and her mother (her mum lived in a nursing home with alzhimers at this point) took over all her finances, you should of seen what they did with her money, it was incredible that they got by with it as long as they did. the woman that was handling the finances even cut her phone sevice off at one point saying that the bill was too much, guess that 10 dollar a month bill wouldn't of meant much when had their been a fire my client could not get herself out of bed at night when they also would not allow for 24 hour care.
I am glad you are doing something about this before you and your son are homeless. It sucks to get played, I am sorry you are going through all this, but it will get better and you are taking the first steps toward a better life.
scarlett2001
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Please update us? I'm worried about you!
Happyladi
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I hope you got rid of that husband. Do you realize you didn't say one nice thing about him? You said you loved and adored him but didn't give a single reason why you would. Everything you said about him was bad.
Jonesy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
That's one of the reasons I will never marry again. Half of our savings went for my husband's care in a nursing home. He died just before he went on Medicaid. If I marry a man my age, I will probably end up caring for him and losing another 1/2 of my savings. Also if he has filed bankruptcy before he met me, I will have to pay that also and I am responsible for any outstanding bills he might have. The last report I read on AIDS, the age group getting AIDS was seniors because of the deaths of their spouses. It's to risky and I am enjoy my freedom.
sweeby
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
In my parents' circle of friends, it is by far the norm for couples not to marry again. They have many friends who are having "civil committment ceremonies" to celebrate their committment to spend the rest of their lives with a nre partner, but they've found that a legal marriage just mucks up too many pensions, estate and inheritance issues. It's become the "marriage substitute" of choice for seniors with enough assets to need protection. I think it also neatly sidesteps potential conflicts between adult children of one spouse versus the other.
Jonesy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My attorney told me the trend with elderly is to sign a prenuptial that states the usual things plus.....they agree to an immediate divorce if either has to go to a care home.

You have to be careful about living together, it can be common law marriage. If any of the heirs are upset, they can go to court and cause trouble.
dstn2bmd_hotmail_com
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What can I say? Antisocial Personality Disorder. Report him for mortgage fraud if you can. Get a divorce lawyer ASAP! he has used you and your a victim. Get out! 'jump' will set things right? Really? Has he no empathy or compassion for the fact that he has completely hit a 'money bags' and is financially exploiting you? Exploiting your son?

Read about psychopathy. 1 in 4 people have some degree. Learn the tools to help you avoid being charmed out of everything you have including your dignity.
asolo
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Yo, dingbat....did it occur to you that just possibly the problem from FOUR YEARS AGO may have been taken care of by now?

Otherwise, thanks for your wisdom....or lack thereof.

husband a financial nightmare!

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