Well, too, gotta ask you......

Family risk factors.....what do you think your wife's reaction would be if she discovered it? She's obviously OK with the porn so maybe no big deal? I have no doubt you've thought about that. What's your take?

Big difference between this and that - it is the secrecy that creates the betrayal, not the behavior. Many would frown on porn, many do, but when the wife is aware of it, it is no longer a betrayal. It might still cause problems, often does, but again. It is secrecy that creates damage, both during the betrayal (the robbing of intimacy) and also obviously once the secret is revealed. Particularly when it is understood that if the partner knew, there would be serious problems.

Chazlie - whatever. Continue in your delusional little self-oriented little life. Continue to justify, think you're "all that", and everyone else is wrong. Again, whatever. You're of no consequence to anyone but your wife.

suzieuque, with all respect, "whatever" isn't much of a rebuttal.

From the description OP has given so far, "self-oriented" gets a little traction -- but so would it with us all, albeit in different areas. "Delusional" is just silly. There's clearly no delusion at work unless his unconventional outlook and behavior qualifies. It doesn't appear to me that it does. As described, the whole thing's working well for him -- at least for seven years and running. Where's the delusion? Intentional deception of his wife, yes, but not delusion.

And he has described himself as clearly consequential to many others as well as his wife.

I'm not a fan of Chazlie's behavior as described. I do understand it, but I don't think I could consider it. Certainly, I wouldn't recommend it, as he appears to be doing. But I don't see that "whatever" advances the pros or the cons of it. Only reiterates your obvious personal disgust about it -- a disgust that I share in some degree. But I'm still interested in the rest of the story if OP will be forthcoming.

Ive not read most of this, but how are you sure there is no drugs involved,id bet bet my life that most of the women you sleep with take drugs,and also i think having dates with these women without payment is even more of a betrayal to your wife,that sugests there is feelings for these women beyond sex,you are a total slime ball

asolo - "whatever" is all I had any energy for or interest in. I wasn't intending to rebut; I just don't care. Regarding delusional, I meant that he is deluding himself in thinking that his hookers love sex and want to be with him even if money's not involved.

I'm going to take my own advice and "let it go" with respect to Chazlie, as I recommended above.

Actually, it appears I'm about the only one who's the least bit interested. The world he's described is far enough from my own that, except for his account of it, I basically can't get there from here. Probably where my curiosity comes from. He apparently has more time and money than I've ever had.

However, If my sex-life was as dull and infrequent as he's described along with a home life that was otherwise desirable as he's also described, perhaps I, too, would consider such a path. Really don't know. I would have terrific trouble with the deception part but perhaps it could be overcome.

My main objection to OP is his calling this a "hobby". This is NOT a hobby. A hobby is a harmless pastime which this definitely is not.

That word is a somewhat euphemistic/callous description from my viewpoint, too. However, from OP's posts, I think one can safely conclude that his chosen word for what he's doing is accurate -- for him. I think, to his credit, he has described his activity and his attitude clearly.

Hobby: An activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure.

At least that's what my dictionary says. That's certainly what he's doing.

Gee. Kind of like, Dahmer's hobby was, what was it, oh yeah. Eating people. LOL. Oh, and my neighbor's hobby is, um, looking at child porn. As long as no one knows, it's okay, right? Sure. Dude doesn't want to die without fulfilling his fantasies. What a loss that would be.

Hobby - Amy's dictionary - stuff like collecting stamps, bird watching, doll making, you know, the USUAL.

Using the word hobby in this context only serves to minimize the reality that infidelity hurts people, deeply. So while mr C approaches this as if he's some sort of "Scientist" "studying social taboos" with his "hobbies" as if he were Dr. Kinsey himself, let's not dismiss the fact that for the majority of people, such behavior is deplorable because it sets the stage for major heartache. Sure, he may never get "caught", but there are plenty out there with Mr.C's attitude that DO get caught, that break hearts, that destroy families, who's children end up on sofas in therapist offices wondering why they have trust issues and can't be intimate with their partners.

Let's stop pussyfooting around what reality is and call it what it is - prostitution, and infidelity.

I don't know if he's after the unusual or not. All he's said is that 1) wife isn't very sexually interested, and 2) he's developed a fascination with seeing how good it can get. Maybe one led to the other or maybe not. Don't know that either. Not ready to heap on wife, yet, although sexless marriages are certainly troubling -- says "Joe Experience". However, even now, trying get my head around the idea of my SO -- or anyone I know, really -- being "OK" with my spending time with porn.

Thinking there's more going on than he's disclosed to date.

"...call it what it is - prostitution, and infidelity."

Touche', madame. It is indeed. However, I carefully added "for him" in my post -- saw you coming. And, it seems to me he's acknowledged both....and decided it's OK. Interesting.

BTW...I get your point but I don't think we're into cannibalism and child-porn yet, are we?

As a society WE decide what is taboo. As long as we draw the line this far in, we won't have to have this same discussion for such clearly horrific topics. It is clarifications such as this thread where people say "Nope, it's not OK with me" that keep the bar high enough that the unimaginable topics can stay that way - unimaginable.

Sexless spouses are "taboo" also, so to speak, but I got nailed with two of them. Guess which spouse came out underwater notwithstanding. Injustice is all around all the time. It's just a matter of degrees -- and whether or not you're the aggrieved party, it seems to me.

You're sounding black-and-white. I'm gray. I'm old. I've experienced a lot and seen a lot among my friends and throughout society. I've got a 10 year relationship going with my SO. We're not married. We fornicate regularly. (It's glorious!) We engage in mutually delightful activities that are illegal in several states. So tell me...is she a slut....or perhaps a prostitute because I buy dinners, etc.....and am I a pimp or slime or something similar in your thinking?

"Unimaginable"? Oh, amyfiddler. Please. You're seeming childish.

Well, to me cannibalism is unimaginable, but that's just me. And where is all that other crap coming from? What do I care what you do with your girlfriend, and why would I think she was a slut or prostitute? Wow.

Chazlie who are kidding that you are not exposing your unsuspecting wife to STD's? My co-worker HAD a husband with a "hobby" like yours. Apparently he was as naive as you are in thinking that the prostitutes he was visitng were clean because them told him so. Yes, they were tested once a month as your girls are, but that is not always 100% accurate. Not all things show up immediately on a blood test. Well Guess what??? Because of her husband's "hobby" she now has HPV and genital herpes. And please don't say it can't happen to you, because it can. You are playing a nasty game of russian roulette each time you visit your gals. You obviously have no respect for your wife otherwise you wouldn't put her life in jeopardy. I guess it's your form of punishment towards her.

One more thing. The reason why your prostitutes pay for dinner once in a while or just want to hang out is because they are savvy "business" women. I bet they do it for all their good paying clients. It's one way to keep em coming back for more (pun intended).

Yo, matti5....OK...this is getting down to it....notwithstanding the moral overlay in most other posts.

Yo, amyfiddler...ya know I love ya...but you're arguing with yourself. If you can't see it, I guess we'll have leave off with it. Thought I was being illustrative. Obviously I failed. You've missed it totally. Oh yeah...wow yourself.

LOL. Probably did miss something in there, it's been a looong work week for the fiddler. Last thing I need to do is resort to arguing with myself.

Wow ee wow wow wow.

Clearly, the OP, does not think he is doing anything wrong.

He seems to be a very macho man.

"If I "came clean" and divorced my wife I most likely would not have the funds to engage in my hobby."

wow, the reason you are still married and betraying your wife is that you want to be able to afford prostitutes. Wow. Not only you are lying to her you are also using her.

do people still call it "open minded"?

After 20 years, she would get at least 1/2 plus child support; possibly alimony and/or support. It would be a huge deal. Certainly his life would change.

When I was a child, the mother of a very close friend of mine was giving a tour of her newly updated house to my mother. The new master bedroom was huge. Overheard my mom (I was about 14 at the time) asking friend's mom about the two beds in the master bedroom. She replied "Oh, i'm done with all that. I want my own bed."

Two years later, the husband ran off with his secretary. She got pretty much everything. The laws are different, now, but dissolving a household is still a huge hit.

suzieque, you are right. He certainly is delusional and not only to think the women would want to be with him. Their working him to maintain good rapport with a devoted repeat customer is friendship to him. How much more delusional can a person get? He is delusional to think he cannot get STDs from them because of the pidly exchange that serves to build his confidence. He is delusional to think STDs have anything to do with cleanliness. He is delusional to think/believe they do not do drugs. He is in their presence a very limited number of hours throughout the year, yet he knows what they do when not with him. He is deluding himself of his supposed reputable and respectable life while deceiving everyone in it, including himself. He knows exactly the drain and how rapidly down it everything he knows would go if ever he is exposed for the fraud that he is. How much more delusional does a person have to be for you to prevent being subjected to disecting critique of precise analysis?

One question: Does your wife know?

If not, you are endangering her life. That is inexcusable to me. HIV can take over six months to show up on a test. Getting tested in the past month with negative results does not mean one does not have the disease.

If she does know, that's between you and her and I personally don't care one way or the other.

I can understand wanting more than a partner is able or willing to give. I can understand not having the emotional/mental/physical/financial ability to maintain two or more separate relationships. (for if you frequent the same prostitute more than once, it is more than a one night stand... it's a commitment of sorts even if you don't call it that) The only problem I have with this is that sex often = pain and death. And the unknowing spouse is victimized in a way that cannot ever be healed. This is inexcusable.

Consider this possibility: Your wife doesn't want to do the sorts of things you want to do because she doesn't TRUST you. Perhaps you are not the most exciting lover. I'd wager most women would be willing to try just about anything with a man they love, trust and want to please and who they know wants to please them.

Whatever your personal sexual situation, I know that people are sexual beings and have different needs that may change in time and may not reflect those of their spouse. In which case the respectful thing to do is to treat your spouse as you would want to be treated. Consider the pain and social stigma of genital herpes. MUCH more common than HIV. Consider having to explain to every sexual partner after your wife that she gave you herpes. Consider the rejection factor.

Honestly, I cannot imagine having multiple sexual partners for many reasons, but the biggest is I know how people lie, I know that herpes can lie dormant in many people so you don't see them, don't feel them, and the carrier doesn't even know they have them. SCARY!!! For me, the biggest draw to monogamy is the trust.

But to each his own. No judgment on you hiring ego-strokers (for lack of ability to mention what else they are stroking). It's literally the oldest profession out there.

But does your wife know?

Ok, there maybe a few missed comments and replies that I would like to address. I may have made a incorrect choice of words by using open minded as a term of sexual freedom.
As stated before my wife is happy with our marriage, and I am happy with the situation. I do really enjoy the verity.
Asolo, When I enter a crowded room I see 99 females I'd be interested in that way.
I find something positive in everyone. It' doesn't hurt that I have developed an extremely dirty mind as well.
yes I can pick and choose, whom I see but it's generally done by personal recommendations from other gentleman that I know. Acceptance / rejections are generally done ahead of time, before setting up a date.
I have been engaging in the hobby for a while and it does go in waves, depending on who's available when and where. if I have funds available and time to play.
Lately I have been involved a bit more heavily with multiple ladies at one time and even with other men joining in. This adds a new dimension and excitement that I never would have considered a few years ago.
Since I have it's extremely satisfying and outright fun.
Call me a hoochie, slut, gigolo whatever I really don't care, because I do hide it well and only allow this part of me come out every once in a while. Otherwise I am as normal as anyone else.
I do watch porn with my wife, and she enjoys it and learns from it, but it doesn't stimulate her as it does me.

I don't condemn the others as they berate me for my behavior but I don't believe it to be really that out of the ordinary. If it was there is much too much money being used to get or give sex to others in one way or another. If it be porn, sex toys, or escorts, male and female.
all I am trying to do is provide a point of view that may be in the minority to a topic that few are willing to talk about.
I am also a bit gray in my social thinking of many topics. Sex is only one of them, and the only one that I participate in. Experiences of a lifetime are what I am seeking and finding. I know it's wrong and potentially dangerous, but I see it as one of the risks I am willing to take.
really folks your saying that all escorts do drugs, have STD's and don't care a bit about the folks they see.
they too have families, friends, and really they are people too.
can you explain that too?
personally, I see only ladies that are drug free, and are not too dependent.

Does your wife know?

"I'd wager most women would be willing to try just about anything with a man they love, trust and want to please and who they know wants to please them."

Silversword...I am sympathetic to all of that posts points of view except this one. In fairness, I must yield to your modifier "most". However, clearly, MANY would lose your wager for you. I married two of them. I do understand it. If you're not interested, you're not interested. Compulsion is wrong, but so is deception. Pretending you're like-minded and compatible during courtship and then fessing up after you've got the marriage you wanted is wrong. (Sorry...there's my hot-button again!)

In OP's case, it sounds like they both changed over time. Don't get the mutual porn, though.

Asolo, I totally agree that pretense of open mindedness/compatibility is wrong.

What I was saying is that if two people are wanting to please one another and be pleased by one another they will be willing to try just about anything with that person. The trick is finding someone who wants to do that with you!

I married one too Asolo. He was just not interested. Once-twice a month was way more than enough for him. And yes, that was not the impression he gave in the beginning. Obviously he did not want to be pleased by me, please me, or especially love me... right?

Compatibility is hard to find. Especially both sexual and mental in the same person. I don't condemn his choice to use prostitutes, I only question if his wife knows... and to say that there are people out there who will do what he wants to do without him having to pay for it. Unless he is all about being pleasured, and not about pleasuring... which I suspect is the case :)

I don't get the mutual porn either. Esp. since it doesn't seem to do anything for the wife. Personally, the plot just isn't interesting enough on its own for me to comprehend anyone watching it unless there is some visual stimulation going on!

Chazlie's wife doesn't know. And he keeps saying she's happy in their marriage. Unbelievable statement. She doesn't know everything about their marriage, so what he's saying is that she's happy with what she knows, which is certainly less than reality.

Chazlie, frankly, with every post you make I get closer to wondering if you're real or if you're just a troll trying to bait people. If so, you certainly achieved your goal. If the former (you're real), ick. But to each their own.

Honey, she knows. She knows. Maybe she doesn't realize she knows, but she knows. Thus, no trust, thus, no sex, thus, "i'll sit and watch porn even though it does nothing for me because it deludes me in to thinking it's keeping him home."

Vicious, sad cycle.

".... "i'll sit and watch porn even though it does nothing for me because it deludes me in to thinking it's keeping him home." "

Suspect you may have something there. Haven't thought of any other way it makes sense.

Chazlie, what do you tell your wife as to your whereabouts on your "date" nights/days?

Re wife and porn: "some" people would call it co-dependent, which would suggest sexually addictive behaviors on his part, but it's all psychobabble to me. Doesn't change the facts. However, sometimes the titles are wakeup calls to the seriousness of the situation - particularly where people minimize and don't pay attention to the process.

It's selfish. Selfish in the extreme.
Disrespectful to the wife. Dishonest.
Endangering her health - her very life even.

Chazlie - How would your children feel if they found out? If someone found you hanging naked and dead in a closet with a silk scarf around your brain?

Do your wife a favor and stop having sex with her.
Just tell her you've made other arrangements...

And no, I"m not closed-minded.

If you were single, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

"Does your wife know?"

he said previously that she does not know.

as about his wife not wanting sex wiht him...of course she does not. the way he sounds in his posts I would not want to have sex with him either LOL. of course it is never man's fault that wife has no interest...keep believing it...

chazlie (My Page) on
Mon, Aug 31, 09 at 12:37
I've a good relationship with my wife and a good sex life with her. However I also enjoy a separate alternate lifestyle with escorts. Over the past 7 years I've been seeing ladies that provide services. I've been in some realy excellent, enjoyable company of some great people. .

Chazlie

How can you say that you have a "good relationship" with your wife when you cheat? Men like you make me sick! What dont you get about that sanctity of marriage? If this is the kind of life style you choose, why not get out and leave your wife, give her a chance to find a man that will love her and a chance to see what "real" love is. The kind of love thats supposed to exist in a marriage. Men such as yourself make a mockery of marriage! You clearly have no self-respect no respect for your wife! You dont have respect for women period!

Hello Everyone,

Firstly, I am new here so greetings to you all. Secondly, English isn't my first language so please bear with me if I make some slip-ups. I am not an avid poster or person who visits forums often however this topic has unique personal interest for me.

Chazlie...let me tell you this...it's very hard for anyone to understand your point of view. I'm pretty sure no one has bothered to really wonder about what you first felt when you decided to call an escort and how rejected you felt when all attempts to make your sex life work with your wife didn't work. I am sure it must have hurt very much.

Onto escorts...I believe people should check out a website called angels4you.co.uk. Read sue's diary. It is a brilliant piece of work written by an escort agency owner with remarkable principles. I think she is a true gem amongst us mortals. Plus it gives people a great insight into the business itself.

STD's seem to be a large concern for people here regarding escorts. Alright let me clarify this...if you sleep with street walkers and get your rocks off in seedy bangkok massage parlors...then you are going to get whats coming to you...however there are other options out there...and then the issue of STD's becomes a moot point. The more upscale you go and more trusted professional agencies you ask for service from would mean a lighter amount of risk, almost to the point where it is no different from any other casual encounter or one night stands. Personally speaking, I have used escorts for five years and have no problems as yet to speak of. The secret is to select carefully and not give in to cheap shady deals. The flip side of course is the expense but good things are worth saving for I suppose. Also, if anyone does believe that all escorts are drug users and generally money driven stupid whores...I must disagree. Yes some of them are. But there are some who aren't. Men supply the demand you see. There just isn't as much demand for the elegant courtesan who is discreet and cares about her client because most men want a 20$ blowjob. But they are out there.

Why did I first start using escorts? Well it isn't easy for me to say this...but I was abused sexually when I was 10 years old. The years have passed and I have had therapy but it is still a very traumatic memory. This made it very hard for me to be able to be intimate and be responsive in a normal relationship. Hence women tended to leave me after a point. I have often wondered whether this was my fault since I wasn't very open about the reasons I acted the way I did in a relationship (cold and distant) but have come to terms with it. As time passed, I started to experience sexual urges and after discussing my problems with my best friend, he suggested escorts. He didn't know much about it but thought it would be a good idea for me. So I did my homework and was very lucky to find a very respectable and reputable organization which catered to my needs. And since then, I haven't looked back.

With time, I also began to have normal relationships. During these, I stopped my casual encounters because I do believe in being faithful in a relationship. But based on my personal experience, I must remark I feel women are very close minded in regards to this occupation. It warrants an emotional response from them and very rarely a rational one. Two people I cared about greatly left me after I told them about my history with "Hookers" as they called them even after I explained my unique circumstances.

So I have gone back to my usual ways...but I do crave something more...a proper relationship. Perhaps its out there. Perhaps its not. I'm not sure anymore. But we all have to positive I suppose.

I don't know how I would act in a marriage. But I am willing to admit that I could do what chazlie has done. I may ruffle some feathers with my following comments but I feel they must be voiced. I think many of the posters here automatically assume there is something wrong with him because he is a)lying to his wife b)paying women to be with him and c)defending his actions. Firstly, in regards to paying women to be with him...I don't believe he is doing that because he can't get anyone otherwise...famous working girl quote "You don't pay a hooker for sex. You pay her to go away afterwards" He is paying for no complications and no drama. That's fair in my book. Secondly,about lying to his wife...yes I don't believe people should lie. But I am willing to understand why he is doing it. His wife rejected every attempt he made to improve their sex life and yet most people still make him out to be the problem? I think that's unfair. Perhaps she could and should have done more. However, that withstanding...I still feel that chazlie should tell his wife. I know it isn't the rational thing to do regarding divorce and other issues but it would feel right to me.

As far as defending his actions is concerned...he has done a reasonable job. He hasn't sunk to slinging mud at anyone (some people have at him) and he never demonstrated anything but a sense of rationality about his choices and opinions.

I wish all of you the best of luck in life and hope your problems work out for you.

First off, to the OP. Fate has a funny way of revealing our secrets when least expected. Learned that when my mom found my first porno mag. Just be ready for when it happens.

Secondly, my wife and I are in an open marriage. That's not the issue, however my wife is an escort also. So I feel that I should help add some clerification. My work provides enough for our family to live on. So why would my wife sell her body you might ask? Because it excites her. Like Parallaxerror said. Not all escorts are drug using money grubbing w#$^^s. 90% of the time she doesn't even have sex with the clients because that's not what most of the clients want. She's had a cross dresser pay her to do his make up once, and most just want to see a naked girl they can touch and talk too. Her boss, who also makes some calls reportedly never sleeps with a client. People can lie, but why would she tell her girls that? You would think the girls will make more money for sex then for not...

parallaxerror, you posted a few points worth pondering, however after going to 'sue's diary' I failed to see anything of any value.

and chazlie, if I did what you did I would definately wake up in the morning hating myself more than ever. if you can do it without your consciense beating you to death more power to you, I certainly couldn't.

and that doesn't mean that I have the perfect relationship either. devoid of romance or intimacy.. 37 years of marriage.

'nuff said

I am new to this website. I have only posted a few times. I just hace to say I feel marriage is a two way street. Sometimes both people can be in the wrong. It is wrong for a woman to loss interest in sex, but sometimes there is a reason. Men can become way too comfortable around their wives. Afier years of weight gain, burping, swearing, farting, nose picking, cleaning of ears with car keys well sexual desire goes out the window. Some women are just trying to keep their families together too.

Excellent points KK1222!

"No, I have not talked to my wife about it and no I have not gotten any STD's."

Two things. First and foremost, I am a woman and I was open minded about until you said you have not talked to your wife about it. Uh no. Marriage is about making choices that are the best for your marriage, not your--self. That's broken trust if ever I've seen it. Wrong for all marriages.

No STDs? Well, not yet. You're playing Russian roulette. The you-know-what will hit the you-know-what when you do. You may end up with nothing in the divorce when your very happily displayed hobby is found out. Internet is forever. This thread should prove very useful to her when the time comes. Make no mistake, your time will come.

Wow!
I've been away for quite some time, no I haven't been cought or having any problems with my wife. Actually we have just celebrated a milestone anaversary above 10 years.
First I want to say I appreicate parallaxerror & Jimmy71's comments.
I have always felt that I belong in an open marrage, and there are a few escorts that I know are married, actually I know a few husbands as well.
I am not bi-sexual, but I have been involved in a few orgies and a couple threesomes with the ladies.
what memories I have too.... all done safely and without remorse because I enjoy the times I have and I don't want the drama of say going out with the neighbor lady.
I have an addiction to sex, and I am willing to pay for my fun. I also have been lucky enough to know a few ladies that like to have fun like me too.

Sorry, you can do it as safely as you please nothing is 100% safe. Your wife at the very least deserves to know what she is possibly be exposed to so she can get tested and protect herself.

Not for me to judge you but I feel very, very sorry for your wife. Your not only a cheat & and a liar but your exposing your poor wife to disease. Gross.

Hope your really really wealthy (obviously you are somewhat) so she can live the high life on your dime when she finds out.

~Cat

"no I haven't been cought or having any problems with my wife."

So you're saying it's ok to lie to her because she doesn't know? That's what I am getting out of this. Correct me if I am wrong.

Addictions are always about mediating pain. You'd do well by yourself by understanding what you're really dealing with - addictions cause pain to those around you - most often, these people are dealing with their own co-addictions, unable to come to terms with why they put up with such stuff.

I've never envied a person addicted to anything. Good luck to you -

I have always felt that I belong in an open marrage

Did you clarify this with your wife before you married her?

If not, why not?

Did you repeat marriage vows which said you would love her, care for her, be faithful to her, etc?

Marrying someone under any false pretense is the very opposite of love and consideration. I feel deep pity for your wife. She deserves better.

Chazlie,

Even though I feel sorry for your wife I feel the most sorry for you. Nothing is ever good enough for you and you always want more. The problem with that line of thinking is that you are never truly satisfied and always looking to find the next bigger thing. Life isn't about the destination it's about the journey and your journey seems to be continuously looking for something right under your nose. You say that you are happy in your marriage and have a "good" sex life but I don't believe it. I believe you are doing just enough of what you think will keep your wife happy. If you spent half the energy focusing on your wife than your next sexual conquest you would have that great sex with your WIFE which is a million times better than any whore could ever give you.

"Yes I trust that they are clean and STD free. "

Op is a tool.Even the porn industry cannot stop outbreaks of Aids and they are tested regularly too.For someone who claims to love his wife,it sure doesn't bother him to play Russian roulette with her life! See how much she loves you and accepts you once you give her an Std,idiot.