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c4ever

Beginning to Heal but Still Angry

c4ever
13 years ago

I am not married and was never married to the father of my daughter. I met him 4 years ago at work. He seemed to be a nice guy. However, before we got together he had sex with my supposed best friend and roommate even though she knew how I felt about him. He supposedly liked me but according to him, made an impulsive decision because she told him I liked someone else. I blame both for this incident but I gave him another chance because even though they slept together I had not told him how I had felt and he had no way of knowing other than my friend telling him this truth. I wanted to give him a second chance. So, I decided that from that time on we would just start over as friends. He agreed. Time passed and I confessed that I had fallen in love with him. This is when the nightmare began. From that time on he began to mentally and emotionally abuse me. I don't know why I caused myself so much pain. Somehow I convinced myself that he hadn't experienced love and maybe if I showed him what that was he might reconsider his current path. So the abuse continued for 4 years and in the end, he had and is still with the other woman he dumped me for. What's worse is that he told me that because he didn't and never loved me he couldn't love our daughter. This woman was all he ever needed and wanted and she was better than me. His family has also denied the existence of the baby in favor of his relationship with this woman. And Even though I told her the truth regarding my relationship with this man she has decided to take him back. They currently started a photography business together and he is pursuing his Bachelors in Arts for photography. He has moved into her $149,000 two-story house and has proposed marriage. So it seems that he has everything he has ever wanted. He does pay $200 a month for child support because he was unemployed at the time of our CS meeting. He now works at a photography studio, I'm guessing for the steady work. Surprisingly, he's been consistent! The thing is, I'm angry with myself for being really stupid about this relationship. I enabled him to use me and hurt me. However, I'm more angry that he has punished our daughter by denying his love to her. He had also told me that the only children he will acknowledge were any that he had with this woman. Amazingly enough I have actually begun to heal from this but, I am still angry that my daughter and I got the short end of the stick and he gets to be praised by the universe for his actions. To me it just sends the message that it's ok for you to hurt people and use them, you can still get whatever you want. He's being rewarded. He claims to be focusing on the Lord to redeem himself for hurting her because he had been with me. I'm not jealous of what he has nor am I trying to play the victim. I am also a college student pursuing a Bachelors degree and although I'm poor now I know that after graduating from school the future's bright. I've begun to meet and have new friends. I'm trying to reconnect to God by again going to church as I had only been able to go to church off and on because of school and work. Above all, I thank God for my daughter, she is such a joy in my life! So I know I have good things going for me. I don't bear any hatred or envy for this man, but I can't seem to shake the resentment that I feel for his actions against me. I mean I loved him deeply and I feel like I was detested because of that. I'm relieved that I don't have to be hurt and that he's gone from my life. However, I'm happy that he's going to school but it just seems so on the surface. Like I said, I just can't shake the resentment that I feel for his actions against me. I would like any thoughts or advice on this subject

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