Return to the Marriage Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
do you get your fellings hurt too easily?

Posted by duckiedo (My Page) on
Sat, Aug 10, 02 at 11:49

sometimes i don't know if it's me, getting my feelings hurt too easily, or, if it's him, being mean. things are said in the context of "it's the truth" and i respect that. but i get so hurt.

how do you tell the difference?

duck


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: do you get your fellings hurt too easily?

Ask him...ask how serious he's being with you. I know I took things seriously from my fiance' and his family and then learned more about them. They're a pretty carefree family who loves to joke and tease and somethings were really just drawn out of context to make it sound funnier. I also realized that when they were trying to mean that sometimes the things they said made no sense and weren't really me. For example, my MIL will say I worry too much about her son and our child, yet she doesn't like SIL because she puts herself before her husband and kids. Lots of things conrtidicted themselves. I really sat down and took a good look at myself and saw that MIL was knit-picking for some reason to not like me and couldn't find an obvious one. I also realized the things she claimed were so bad about me really weren't. I know I would love to have a DIL who loves my son and kids and worries and cares for them so if MIL doesn't think that's right...oh well.

Also realize that if it's in the heat of an argument, don't take things too seriously. During fights people often say stuff just to one-up what the other said and to hurt the one who hurt you. Sometimes you really need to talk it over and see if it was really meant. I've carried some mean and hateful words around that were said by my fiance' and when I brought them up again, he didn't mean it that way or totally didn't mean it and just said it to hurt me at the time. Also, I've found that he took offense to things I said because he didn't understand what I was getting at so he would blow up and say rude stuff. The problem is that men and women commuicate so differently.

Hope you're feeling better about yourself. Sometimes things can really hurt. If they're bad things and you do see that you are that way, take the time to change and be a better person. If you don't see a problem then be yourself and re-evaluate the person you're with and figure out if they truly appreciate you for you. Good luck.


 o
RE: do you get your fellings hurt too easily?

Usually, when I'm too sensitive, I look at a calendar, and realize that our friends, the hormones, are responsible for my raging sensitivity.

This weekend was a perfect example! Poor DH couldn't utter a word without me taking it the wrong way! Glad it only lasts one or two days!

Saturday, I was thinking to myself, "Why does he always act like such a butt when I'm hormonal?"

Then I realized, is he being different than usual? No. So it must be me.

(That's not to say he isn't sometimes truly a pain and it has nothing to do with my hormones!) LOL


 o
RE: do you get your fellings hurt too easily?

actually, it isn't raging sensitivity -- it's awareness that the issues that bother us, just as they always do, are still bothering us, still very much in existence, but during that 2 day to two week timeframe, we have a MUCH lower tolerance for it than we usually...it's your body's way of saying, deal with it and put it to rest FINALLY ...that's all PMS is really, low tolerance level for crap ;o)


 o
RE: do you get your fellings hurt too easily?

Assess what was said, and the context in which it was said. Compare that against what you know and what you feel about the person who said it, and about the context in which it was said.

It's one of those areas where keeping a journal and writing and re-reading later can kind of help you help yourself to figure some things out.

You can also go to people you trust; friends, family, and so on. Be careful about who you ask if you know you are very sensitive though because you want someone who can and will give you useful and constructive as well as valid feedback.

Human beings are complex. Adults are way more complex than children, so adult relationships in all their possible forms are about off the scale of complexity at times. Things are very rarely 'either or'; and are more likely to be 'both possible to varying degrees... and maybe more possibilities exist.'

A quick assessment would be to determine if there was 'name calling' directly or outright demeaning labels were used-- in anger or not. That kind of behaviour, even when in anger is not appropriate in healthy adult relationships. Sometimes people have habits which include this kind of strategy in argument, or when angry. They may or may not feel like they want to change, or like changing would be good for them and for their future.

'The truth' is not 'the truth' simply because one person sees things that way (or even simply because a bunch of people see it that way). Social niceties and even standard decorum and courtesy involve some tact. Being 'truthful' does not mean one has to avoid the appearance or reality of empathy for the person receiving the message. It might even be argued that a person who knows or is aware enough of 'the truth' of any matter, is obliged to deliver that information (if they choose to share it) in a manner which is not going to be felt as offensive or hurtful.

sometimes it's really difficult to tell the difference, and seeking some outside feedback about situations or statements can be helpful (doctors, psychologists, counselors, and clergy people can all give confidential advice)


 o
RE: do you get your fellings hurt too easily?

My feelings always got hurt too easily, going back to when I was a child. I thought I'd get a thicker skin as I got older, but it's not the case. I think menopause has aggravated it. It manifests itself in lashing out at my husband when I perceive he's attacking me in some way that I don't agree with. He thinks I have no right to lash out when I'm wrong ("when you're wrong, you shouldn't be arguing, just own up to it"). I can't seem to restrain it and it's causing major problems in my life. I read different self-help books and some describe me to a T, but I can't seem to figure out how to help myself. Sometimes I feel like it's a mental illness, but right now I'm just feeling hopeless.


 o
RE: do you get your fellings hurt too easily?

Oh Cheerful, not so cheerful.

Have you posted on the menopause forum ?

Meditation helps me to be a calmer person, I work at it, and it has helped me. I know what you mean though, its awful when we have these strong feelings.

Take care
P


 o
RE: do you get your fellings hurt too easily?

cheerful,

I don't know the history with your husband but his tactic sounds like one an abusive man may use. Are you sure you're the one in the wrong and that he's not bringing you down, making you insecure, and creating these emotional problems you have convincing you that you are wrong when you are not? That may be why you find it hard to admit to it; plus if he's very controlling, you may be trying to hang onto some control by not admitting you are wrong. Living with an emotionally abusive husband can create mood swings and mental problems for their spouses. I don't want to suggest something that is way off, but thought I'd throw it out there just in case. Is he very controlling? Do you feel on edge around him and does he make you feel that you can't do anything right? It may not menopause... Just something to consider.

Hopefully, you're talking to a counselor and they can get to the root of your problem and help you deal with your feelings and the situation at hand. Abusive people are masters at making others feel they are the ones in the wrong. You seem too nice to be the kind of person who wouldn't admit to a legitimate mistake. Do you have this problem with other people or just him?


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Marriage Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here