how do you tell the difference?

duck

Also realize that if it's in the heat of an argument, don't take things too seriously. During fights people often say stuff just to one-up what the other said and to hurt the one who hurt you. Sometimes you really need to talk it over and see if it was really meant. I've carried some mean and hateful words around that were said by my fiance' and when I brought them up again, he didn't mean it that way or totally didn't mean it and just said it to hurt me at the time. Also, I've found that he took offense to things I said because he didn't understand what I was getting at so he would blow up and say rude stuff. The problem is that men and women commuicate so differently.

Hope you're feeling better about yourself. Sometimes things can really hurt. If they're bad things and you do see that you are that way, take the time to change and be a better person. If you don't see a problem then be yourself and re-evaluate the person you're with and figure out if they truly appreciate you for you. Good luck.

This weekend was a perfect example! Poor DH couldn't utter a word without me taking it the wrong way! Glad it only lasts one or two days!

Saturday, I was thinking to myself, "Why does he always act like such a butt when I'm hormonal?"

Then I realized, is he being different than usual? No. So it must be me.

(That's not to say he isn't sometimes truly a pain and it has nothing to do with my hormones!) LOL

It's one of those areas where keeping a journal and writing and re-reading later can kind of help you help yourself to figure some things out.

You can also go to people you trust; friends, family, and so on. Be careful about who you ask if you know you are very sensitive though because you want someone who can and will give you useful and constructive as well as valid feedback.

Human beings are complex. Adults are way more complex than children, so adult relationships in all their possible forms are about off the scale of complexity at times. Things are very rarely 'either or'; and are more likely to be 'both possible to varying degrees... and maybe more possibilities exist.'

A quick assessment would be to determine if there was 'name calling' directly or outright demeaning labels were used-- in anger or not. That kind of behaviour, even when in anger is not appropriate in healthy adult relationships. Sometimes people have habits which include this kind of strategy in argument, or when angry. They may or may not feel like they want to change, or like changing would be good for them and for their future.

'The truth' is not 'the truth' simply because one person sees things that way (or even simply because a bunch of people see it that way). Social niceties and even standard decorum and courtesy involve some tact. Being 'truthful' does not mean one has to avoid the appearance or reality of empathy for the person receiving the message. It might even be argued that a person who knows or is aware enough of 'the truth' of any matter, is obliged to deliver that information (if they choose to share it) in a manner which is not going to be felt as offensive or hurtful.

sometimes it's really difficult to tell the difference, and seeking some outside feedback about situations or statements can be helpful (doctors, psychologists, counselors, and clergy people can all give confidential advice)

Have you posted on the menopause forum ?

Meditation helps me to be a calmer person, I work at it, and it has helped me. I know what you mean though, its awful when we have these strong feelings.

Take care
P

I don't know the history with your husband but his tactic sounds like one an abusive man may use. Are you sure you're the one in the wrong and that he's not bringing you down, making you insecure, and creating these emotional problems you have convincing you that you are wrong when you are not? That may be why you find it hard to admit to it; plus if he's very controlling, you may be trying to hang onto some control by not admitting you are wrong. Living with an emotionally abusive husband can create mood swings and mental problems for their spouses. I don't want to suggest something that is way off, but thought I'd throw it out there just in case. Is he very controlling? Do you feel on edge around him and does he make you feel that you can't do anything right? It may not menopause... Just something to consider.

Hopefully, you're talking to a counselor and they can get to the root of your problem and help you deal with your feelings and the situation at hand. Abusive people are masters at making others feel they are the ones in the wrong. You seem too nice to be the kind of person who wouldn't admit to a legitimate mistake. Do you have this problem with other people or just him?

There seem to be two groups of responses so far--a group who thinks (or hopes) that you are being sensitive, and at least one poster who thinks your husband may be using mean tactics to make you sad.

It could really go either way--can you post an example or two of a conversation that hurt your feelings? I know the posters on this forum are good at analyzing stuff, so it's worth going back in. You'll probably get lots of helpful advice.

Per my own experiences, I've had both situations in my marriage, and oddly enough it boiled down to where my husband and I were in our lives, careers, how we felt about ourselves...

At one point during our marriage (years 3-6 I guess) my husband was having a very hard time (mostly just had stuff he needed to learn--not my fault or anything to do with me, mostly about jobs and stuff like this). HE WAS MEAN & CRITICAL. It was horrible. We almost got divorced--I just couldn't live with his attitude day in and day out. He was critical pretty much of everything--my child-rearing efforts, how I cooked, I got home too late from work. This really startled and saddened me. I fell in love with him due to his kindness and strength, and I thought it was all gone. Years later, I learned this was due to his own depression and failures. He was soooo unhappy at that time due to his job situation and other things. Later, he fixed those things and turned back into a nice guy!

In our earliest marriage years (1-3), I was hurt a lot because I was still thinking husbands are the same as boyfriends in wooing their wife, paying constant attention, and so on. I didn't understand that it's normal to just kind of go on with life and even ignore each other or be short and rude with each other sometimes. I mean, in daily life, I guess we just do that kind of stuff, but it hurt my feelings early on.

Hope you figure it out. It's not fun feeling hurt all the time, whether it's him or you!

Good Luck;)
Holly K.

Lately he's been incredibly busy with work and being a full-time college student. (he's trying to get into grad school next semester so he's been working his butt off) While part of me is glad he's not a lazy bum--another part of me has been feeling very insecure thinking he doesn't "care" to see me--although he's explained numerous times that he physically does not have enough time in the day and wishes he could spend more time with me.

My insecurities have been causing me to skew his words--and get my feelings hurt by things he claims are not meant to hurt my feelings at all.

How do I stop being so insecure and realize he's focusing on his career and future?

Oh and Holly--the part about your husbands stressful job in years 3-6 has already helped me understand i may need to just wait it out.