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Am I being Immature?

Posted by in_the_sand (My Page) on
Fri, Aug 10, 07 at 10:26

My wife and I have been married over 9 years. We are both 34 years old and have two children (10 &6) . I am currently deployed to Iraq and have been here 13 months now and have two months left. While I was gone my wife moved home to her Mother's house so we could save money to buy a house next year. I went on mid-tour and visited her in February which was the 7 month mark being gone. A few months after my mid-tour my wife started pulling away from me, always too busy to talk, getting upset easily at me on the phone, Emails were always brief and didn't mention me anymore (ie. talking about our future or me coming home like they use to). I could definitely tell there was something wrong. I confronted her several times until she finally admitted she did something bad. She tells me that because of the seperation and all of our problems we have had in the past (which there plenty of) and her being so lonely that she found herself attracted to a "boy" as she calls him, some 23 year old. He is the best friend of her cousin who lives right next door to her mother. She tells me that they only went as far as kissing a few times in the physical part, but she was very attracted to him and he is such a nice guy. They spent some time together going to parties, a concert, and a festival in her town. He spent time around her mom's house "helping her out with stuff". One day they were in the basement and my son walked in on them kissing! She say's that was too hard on her and she called it off with him. She realized that it would go no where and she wanted to stay with her husband. In July she moved back to Hawaii where I am stationed and rented a house for us, moved all of our stuff in from storage and got the place ready for me to come home.
Ok... that's the beginning, Now after digging and questioning, going over phone records and such I found that she had still been in contact with him and had called him several times and had been sending SMS messages to his cell phone while she was in Hawaii. While she was at home her cousin had asked if he could come to hawaii and visit her, oh by the way, he wants to bring a friend, guess who?? She tells me that is why she was calling him, to help them make plans for their visit. So, now the cousin and the friend are in my house, right now as a matter of fact. After she came clean with me I handled it pretty well I think, I told her that we can get over this and it doesn't mean it's over I still love her, but, 'I want this guy out of my house!' I believe this is a reasonable request. Especially after what had happened back then, I would call her and tell her she is acting strange and it is scaring me, I asked her if she was doing anything inappropriate, maybe something she needs to tell me. Her reply's were always so hateful and she became so upset with me "that I could think she would do something like that". She tells me now that she won't kick him out! That she invited them and she is obligated to be a good host. I told her she is obligated to me. She said it would be too embarrassing for her because her Mom would find out. Also he doesn't have enough money to get a hotel until he leaves next week. She tells me it is over between them and I have nothing to worry about. I understand that and I believe it is over, but I can't truly know that and it is too painful for me to know that this guy (who was the aggressor, making the first move and such) is sleeping in my house, watching my TV and still being around my son who took the whole thing very hard. She let's him use my things running around the island snorkeling and hiking. She said I am being Immature about this because I want him out of my house.... ??? She became hysterical and became so pissed off at me that I don't trust her....???

Am I being Immature? I think it is reasonable for me to tell her to kick him out, I don't care where he goes, he could sleep on the street as far as I am concerned, I just want him away from her, my son, and my house. Her only valid argument is that she thinks I would be kicking her cousin out too. I said her cousin doesn't have to leave but if he feels he should go, then bye, pick better friends next time. I still love my wife very much and really believe her when she say's they didn't have sex. I made a similar mistake 3 years ago, I spent 'too much' time with another woman. We didn't have sex but we kissed and touched on a couple occasions. My wife found out and it took a long long time to earn her trust again. I only did this by gathering myself and trying to do everything single thing I could to make her comfortable with me. I told her where I was every minute I was away. I only talked to 'her' once after that and my wife was right there with me. So, I know I am far from perfect, but she also knows what it is like to not be perfect herself now. I don't expect her to be but all I have asked of her so far was to get him out of our house. And she won't do it!!!!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Am I being Immature?

Okay, halfdecaf, breathe....

First of all, in_the_sand, THANK YOU for the sacrifice you're making. I cannot even imagine what life must be like for you, but the fact that you're willing to go through what you are is tremendous.

Second, I'm sorry that, on top of the daily stress of life so far away from your home, you now have to deal with the heartache of an unfaithful wife. She is actively practicing infidelity, from the way you've described it. No, I don't think you're being "immature" at all, and for HER to use that word about you goes beyond irony. If she thinks that what she's doing is somehow acceptable because you once were unfaithful she's using very distorted logic. It's not acceptable and there is no excuse. None.

This guy needs to be out of your home - for your sake, for your son's sake, and for your wife's sake. What he's doing is, in my mind, unconsciounable. Do you have any family members nearby who can go to bat for you while you're gone? With all you're dealing with in Iraq, you should not have to be bearing a burden like this alone.

I'm so sorry. And thanks again for your service.


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RE: Am I being Immature?

I agree with halfdecaf 100% --

What your wife is doing is wrong -- morally wrong as a wife and as a parent, hurtful to you and your marriage, and foolish to even put herself in that kind of situation. It's wrong in so many ways that no excuse in the world could even begin to be good enough. Imagine what message she's sending to your son! When he's old enough to put two and two together, his opinion of her, which already likely to be shaky, is going to go down the toilet! And that's based on the simple appearance of impropriety, whether or not she's actually doing anything sexual with this guy.

If she feels so bad about kicking him out (and I can see why she'd be embarassed) then she can find him another place to stay.


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RE: Am I being Immature?

Absolutelly under no circumstances this guy should be in your house. There is no reason for you to put up with that. And she did not aks your opinion when she invited him! Simply unacceptable! Frankly is she refuses to kick him out I would tell her that the marriage will be over if she does not do it.

And how did this guy have a nerve to come to your house????!!!! Unbelivable! he needs to be out right now, today, and where he goes is not your problem. In fact, I hate sounding so harsh but if it is so important to her then she could also go with the guy.

If there would be no kids maybe I would not feel that strong about it. But there is a child there who saw them kissing and now the guy is visiting! he needs to be out now, not tomorrow or next week. Put your foot down. let us know how it goes.


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RE: Am I being Immature?

Wow! I find it hard to believe that she thought it was acceptable to invite this guy to visit in the first place! Where was her head? Are you sure that the relationship between them is truly broken off?

I would tell her the guy goes, or the marriage is over -- because frankly, if she doesn't care enough to put your needs and feelings first over this guy, then the marriage IS over.

There's no excuse for this behavior.


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RE: Am I being Immature?

in_the_sand
Iam also an army wife. My husband is a CSM.
Unfortunately those things happen.
The bad thing is she rented the house (i assume without you?) and it is in her name only?
Not much you can do from where you are.
What you could try....get in contact with your
Rear Detachment back in Hawaii ,mayby somebody can talk
some sense into her. Tell them you worry about your son
and what he might see with this guy in the house
and what your wife and this guy doing.
Or talk to your Chain of Command in Iraq.
You can also tell her you change your direct deposit
and she gets only so much money.
There is no need for her to support all this people
in your house.
I think he is a freeloader.
You work hard for your money and you are in constant
danger.
Other then that you might have to wait until you
get back home and kick his butt.
If somebody is immature...it is her for doing that to you.
She is not supporting you like she should.
First thing you have to do is take care of yourself
and stay safe.
God bless you.


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RE: Am I being Immature?

You're getting jerked around. Your wife is being totally unreasonable -- if she intends to remain your wife.

OK, you've got some baggage, too. However, if this is "payback", it's still a crock. This is not how anyone works anything out. Do work it out or don't, but DO NOT tolerate this situation. There's no future in it. If she's going to stake her ground on this ridiculous point, you don't want her anyway. Everybody's cover is blown. Deal with what is.

And...thank you for your service.


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RE: Am I being Immature?

Its not acceptable to have that person in your house.

You take control...find some alternative accommodation, pay for it if you have to, and give him his marching orders.

This is the best outcome.

Your wife can't have her cake and eat it too.

POPI


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RE: Am I being Immature?

Your wife is the one being immature running around with a 23yr old! A dear friend of mine had a very similar situation. His wife ended up having 3 affairs and finally leaving with the 3rd affair! (after 15 years of marriage)
If she would have ended it and never seen the guy again I would say mistakes happen, especially being a military wife. But the fact that he is now "visiting" her is completely inappropriate and makes me think that she will not change her cheating ways. Whats the old saying, one time is shame on you-twice is shame on me!

My thoughts are if your wife still has this guy around she does not care much about your marriage. And the fact that your son saw her kiss the guy and she still has him there makes me question her parenting. (aren't parents supposed to protect their kids-not expose them to things that will hurt them?)

Yes you kissed and hung out with a woman in the past. Yes it was wrong. Did you stop right after telling your wife about it? Or did you have this woman sleeping in your house while your wife was away? I doubt that would have gone over well!

My advice, listen to the other post that said don't give her money. Let her fully feel you being gone (money and all) and see how much this 23 yr old means to her! Chances are seperating would be your best choice. If she cheated twice now I doubt she will break the habit while your away!


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