Saying hurtful things out of anger

9 years ago

My husband and i have been together 8 yrs (married 3) we have a one year old son. He recently told me he has not been happy since we before we bought our house together 2 years ago. I did not expect this! I thought we were fine! Sure we argue but that's what couples do right? Well out of anger last night (i was hurt and upset) I told him that we didn't have to have kids (he obviously took this the wrong way)if he wasn't happy and that we didn't have to go in debt and now he is super mad and says he can not forgive me for this...Any suggestions on how to settle this argument and not to get a divorce? is it possible to make someone happy again??

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Comments (11)

popi_gw
9 years ago
Perhaps an apology is a good place to start.

Things said in anger - are never really meant.

Wait until you have calmed down and then both work out what you want out of life.

It is not - your fault or his fault - it is both your faults.

What is the best you can do, as a team ?
calisha46
9 years ago
No, you can't make someone else happy. That's something he has to do for himself, just as you do. You can apologize for losing your temper, but if this is something he wants to use as a weapon against you, he'll hold on to it for a while. These things have a way of blowing over, but if it starts happening a lot, it's time to talk to a therapist.
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"Here's my confession... I used to wish I was driving the bus when it hit her!!!" You can't be driving the bus when I'M driving the bus, lonepiper!! :-) "It doesn't really matter if she hates you. It doesn't matter if she thinks you are evil incarnate and horrible. All that matters is what YOU think about yourself and whether or not y our stepkids are comfortable and happy with you as you are. Her opinion doesn't matter unless you let it bother you, and if you do, after a while , the anger and resentment that you feel over it WILL spill over to other people, and cause problems with your marriage , your family, and your self esteem." Kathline, you've hit my nail on the head as this is something I've truly struggled with. I have tried for years as the wife of the CP and the "primary motherer" (for lack of a better description) to have some form of a relationship with my SD's mom as I thought it would be best for SD if we were all unified in raising her. For every attempt I made to include her or involve her she met me with ugly words and hostility. I tried harder. She seemed to be warming toward the idea and even preferred communicating with me over her ex, but then it all went downhill again. I kept trying, thinking there was something I could do to help SD and mom's troubled relationship, help us all get along, make us one big Brady Bunch family. I would make myself sick over the things she said to my SD about her, me, dad, etc. It wasn't until pretty recently that what Kathline (and my DH, many times!) said really hit home. I couldn't change her. I couldn't change how she treated my SD, me, or anyone else. I could only change how I let it effect me. This doesn't mean I'm all over it, but I am learning to let it roll off. I think this is helped by the fact that my SD, now 12, is seeing in her mother what we have seen for a long time - a selfish, self absorbed, unhappy woman who will take down whomever she needs to bring herself up. I now have to worry a bit less about how SD will react, as she seems to be handling herself pretty well. I just have to live without the Brady Bunch theme song. Good post, Kathline. Well said.
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sylviatexas1
9 years ago
what Calisha said.

I'm sorry.

I remember this kind of thing happening with my ex when we were very young & didn't have the experience to get along with each other (although the fact that he was a mama's baby who'd gotten his own way his entire life by throwing tantrums & punishing his mother didn't help...).

but life is both too short & too long to walk on eggshells for fear that your partner will say he 'can not forgive' you for something said in the heat of an argument, *especially* when the starting point of the argument was when *he* tossed out something as inflammatory as "I haven't been happy in the past 2 years."
scarlett2001
9 years ago
Did he ask if YOU have been happy for the last two years?
sherwoodva
9 years ago
She only registered to post, so she might not be back. Hope they have patched things up.
kraftygirl14
Original Author
9 years ago
Yes I've been happy and he has asked me. I've apologized several times but he refuses to come home or talk to a counselor. Says that the hurtful things I've said to him he just can't get past. Now he says he doesn't even know if he loves me just cares about me :( who knows but thinks for the replies.
sylviatexas1
9 years ago
There's more going on than this guy is telling you.

He seized on something you said in anger,
& now says he "can't forgive" you & refuses to get over it.

It just sounds like the kind of flimsy excuse that people make when they want out but they don't want it to be their fault;
they want it to be the other person's fault!

If you have the resources or the knowledge, you might check into expenditures, cell phone usage, etc.

This sure sounds like there's a possibility that there's another woman;
since he 'hasn't been happy in over 2 years', at some time in the future, you might find that he's known her for about 2 years.

Just in case, you must protect yourself & your child.

At the very least, make copies of statements in case the balances suddenly drop or disappear, & be sure that you have enough *cash* to live on for a few months in case he moves out & refuses to pay the house payment, etc.

I'm so sorry.
Karen10125
9 years ago
I was thinking the same thing as sylviatexas, this is not really about the comments you made. When two people love each other they can easily forgive the hurtful comments made at an angry moment. Remember, he made the first hurtful comment. I think he was baiting you. Something else is going on, so yeah check on cell phone usage and protect yourself financially. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
scarlett2001
9 years ago
Sigh...does it ever stop?
calisha46
9 years ago
It stops when we quit deluding ourselves that we can turn frogs into princes with a little love and manipulation and we start making major life decisions with reason and good sense!
cherig22
9 years ago
I told him that we didn't have to have kids (he obviously took this the wrong way)if he wasn't happy and that we didn't have to go in debt and now he is super mad and says he can not forgive me for this...

Why is he mad at you for saying that if he has been unhappy for over two years, why did he decide to buy a house with you, and have a child with you? He should never have done either if he was unhappy. Did he think these two things would make a difference?

Cheri

Saying hurtful things out of anger

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Saying hurtful things out of anger

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