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Marriage Counseling?

Posted by Ruthanna (My Page) on
Tue, Aug 6, 02 at 9:56

Did you ever go to a Marriage Counselor? DH and lived together before we were married and used to verbally fight like cats and dogs, as my grandma would say, and it seemed like we disagreed on every little thing. But we really loved each other even if we didnt always get along so we decided to go to a marriage counselor to see if we could figure out how to work things out because if we couldnt, we didnt think we should get married. We learned in the first session that we were both highly competitive people and never liked to lose, only to win so for example, if we disagreed about something as simple as where to go to dinner, nobody wanted their choice to lose so we would ended up staying home. We went to a total of 3 sessions and by the third had figured out that just like in our business dealings where no one wanted to be a loser, we had to turn the problem into a win-win situation. Im relating this because that was more than 25 years ago and just this weekend a situation came up that made me realize that were still following that advice. There was a big car show in the next town with great fireworks and I wanted to go see them. DH said too crowded, too much traffic, etc. and didnt want to go. So we took our 5 minutes to think of a win-win solution and after about 3 minutes, DH said that there was a giant hill behind our church that should have a great view of the fireworks so why didnt we pack a picnic dinner and go up there to watch them? We did and had a great time and both got what we wanted me to see the fireworks and no sitting in traffic for him. Right after we got married, we returned for 2 sessions on handling finances jointly instead of individually (ended up setting joint goals but keeping separate charge cards and checking accounts and no joint accounts). We returned for a session or two about every 7 or 8 years for specific help like how to not let your first teenager drive you nuts (LOL) and the cost was minimal for what we gained out of it to keep our life running smoothly together. Have any of you had any experiences with counseling? And how did it work out?

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Marriage Counseling?

I have been married for 26 yrs. and my DH & I have had good times as well as bad times. We have never considered counseling. We did buy Dr. Grays book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and we do practice his teachings. As for financial situations we have always managed to see things the same way, as for letting the first teenager drive you crazy we did have some problems there but managed to work through them together. If marriage counseling works for other couples then I say go for it.

RE: Marriage Counseling?

It is not going to work unless both parties wants to save the marriage. Both have to want it and work it out. In my opinion, if the couple can do that they don't need a counselor.

RE: Marriage Counseling?

Yes.......the key was love.

RE: Marriage Counseling?

Marriage counselling can be very helpful even when a couple are really serious about sorting out problems. The idea that problems can be resolved by talking about them doesn't always work. What can happen is that you go round and round in circles covering the same ground but failing to reach a resolution. This in turn leads to a feeling that it is best to bury difficulties and not talk about them because talking leads to greater unhappiness. It highlights issues that cause the greatest hurt. In counselling a third party is brought into discussions. This person is trained to guide discussion so that it is constructive. If additional expertise is needed to help with specific problems then this is also available. For us counselling brought us back to the point of reliving what it felt like to fall in love all over again. A word of caution. Our first attempts at getting counselling was a disaster because neither of us related to the counsellor. We tried again elsewhere and found someone who was superb at listening and guiding. It's a case of 'If you don't at first succeed - try, try again.'

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