You know what? The counselor is a "middle man". But is that really a bad thing? Sometimes its just too hard to say things face-to-face, and an anonymous person (counselor) makes things easier. Its not who it is said to, so much that it is being said at all. That's the important thing. The counselor is there for you both. Don't forget that. Seize this opportunity. About 7 yrs ago, my husband and I went to a counselor. I went first, and found out that even if he wasn't willing, I should if I felt the need. I did. But I learned a lot. After several sessions on my own, hubby went too. The counselor was just as "there" for him as he was for me. We both found him to be an "impartial" third party that helped us get over some "inertia" and move forward -- for better or worse. Try it, I think you may find it may help. The one lesson I really learned from counseling -- doing nothing, is doing *something*. Doing nothing benefits no one.. it just lets fate decide your life rather than taking your life in hand. I think it could really be a benefit to you.

Hi Phoggie & All, Well no, I have not left him. But yes, I have gotten on with my life! We are living together quite peacefully as I have completely detached from the whole "stepkid/family" issue. In fact I have only seen them once in the past year at Christmas. I'm still looking to purchase a home. My previous offer fell through a week from close. It was a short sale & quite a learning experience. Dh seems to have come to terms that if we are to have a life together, I'm not going to be a part of his childrens lives and they are not going to be a part of mine. I know it must seem cold, but I just can't do that or go there anymore. I don't see myself ever having any type of a meaningful relationship with them in the future. I do worry this is painful for DH, but I have to protect myself & my wellbeing. I'm still going south for the winter the end of Oct to be near my son & family, DH will come visit when he can/work allows. I'm already getting excited to go spend time with my kid & folks. I get a little lonely at times because we both work so much and he spends a lot of time going to his house or fishing but when we are together it's peaceful, no arguing and we enjoy each others company. At times I wonder how long we can go on like this. Together, yet seperate but somehow it works. I can tell you though that DH behaves like a loving thoughtful spouse and that there isn't any major drama or issues going on between he & I in the least. It is quiet and nice. I don't hear about too much with his kids unless he is venting to me out of sheer frustration and I just listen. And he feels better, and we move on. He is able to just let go and enjoy being part of us because there is not the constant drama & upset driving us apart. The best way I can describe it is that I just stepped away from it all and started enjoying my life and things I like to do again. I can't even describe how much more peaceful my life is since I desengaged from the whole situation. It's not perfection, but I am in a much happier place emotionally now. I do suspect that DH longs for family togetherness where everyone meshes into one big happy family however, thats just not realistic-for us. That's about it for me..thank you for thinking of me. Now I need to go catch up with all of you :0) ~Cat

I don't want to seem unkind, just being realistic. If you have gained a lot of weight that could be the problem and I don't think he would tell you if it was. He wouldn't want to hurt you. Would he have dated you if you had weighed as much as you do now. My neighbor wants to meet someone so bad, but she has to weigh 275 to 300lbs and she is never going to get a date. She is beautiful, kind, worlds of fun, every where we go people open their arms to her for a big bear hug. But no man is going to know that because he can't get past the picture she makes when he looks at her. He is not going to introduce her to his friends. She had an old friend who she had dated until he moved away. He flew in to see her a while back and he was shocked. He even mentioned her weight gain. He bought her a gift, went home and she has never heard from him again. It's not fair, but it is reality.

I think a new councellor is needed as this one seemed to side with your wife. A councellor should not side with anyone. I'm hesitant to say you should leave. I don't know if it is because I am siding with your wife (because I am female) or if it is because I can imagine the things she says are true. Yes, I suspect that many an affair could be like that between your wife and her ex-boss (the fact that it went on for so long). Yes, us women need (maybe not straight away but sooner or later) to feel beautiful and desirable. So, my thought is that perhaps a new councellor should be found and see how you both feel about that. And, yes, I think that your wife has to start seeing that she is 50% of the equation (not nil) but perhaps she feels guilty and this is her way of handling this guilt.