Among those I've known, it helped some finish their grieving period. take on new perspectives, and get moving again. Really was a useful departure point for them. Sorry to say for a few others it seemed to give them permission to continue wallowing in self-sorrow and a support group to reinforce it. I have no idea if those very different outcomes were caused by the grief counseling or group or if that's just the kind of people they were in the first place. Did notice the ones who moved on got busy.....got involved in various things and became enthusiastic again. The ones who stayed down became uninteresting slugs....sort of a permanent depression kind of thing. They also became tedious and boring to be around. If you've been dealing with this for this long, you might have a session or two and see what you think. Might get a few new ideas that would help out. Just don't make a new home out of it.

Toni, DH and I went after about 1.5 years of marriage. (We have now been married 17+years) The first session is usually an inventory of your past year. What bothers you, have there been any major upheavels in your life (birth, death, job change). THis will help the counselor find out where to concentrate. For example if one stress area is money, they can help budgeting. Ours (as I'm sure most really) turned to more "Learn how to TALK to each other" and "Learn how to LISTEN to each other". We learned to talk so we'd both (usually) listen. We learned that we learned from out parents - Good and Bad. It was HARD WORK. But since your DH is willing to go, and if both of you WORK on the assignments (yes there is usually assignments and homework), it will do wonders for each of you. Good luck Vickey

Marriage counselling can be very helpful even when a couple are really serious about sorting out problems. The idea that problems can be resolved by talking about them doesn't always work. What can happen is that you go round and round in circles covering the same ground but failing to reach a resolution. This in turn leads to a feeling that it is best to bury difficulties and not talk about them because talking leads to greater unhappiness. It highlights issues that cause the greatest hurt. In counselling a third party is brought into discussions. This person is trained to guide discussion so that it is constructive. If additional expertise is needed to help with specific problems then this is also available. For us counselling brought us back to the point of reliving what it felt like to fall in love all over again. A word of caution. Our first attempts at getting counselling was a disaster because neither of us related to the counsellor. We tried again elsewhere and found someone who was superb at listening and guiding. It's a case of 'If you don't at first succeed - try, try again.'

I know when you're right in the midst of it, every day must seem like an eternity, but really, the fact that your DH is willing to go to counseling with you suggests that he wants your family to work out and be happy. Yes, I got that the affair was with his ex. Ouch and ouch again! But, I will say (and not to excuse it AT ALL, I would have been a BANSHEE if my DH did that!!) that when people are in the divorce process, things are messy, messy, messy. And despite all the best advice to not get involved with a recently divorced person, and to not get involved with a new romance when you are recently divorced...the heart sometimes makes these choices for us! And even when the new partners are head over heels, there are sometimes these tendrils from the old relationship that cling...especially when there are kids. I would ask--does your DH seem like he knows that what he did was hurtful to you? Has he learned by the outcome of the lies? Again, not to excuse his deceitfulness, but sometimes people panic and say what they WISH was true, hoping not to hurt the person they love. I think when you guys go to the counselor, that you should lay it on the line really early that you are worried about how the relationship between your son and your husband will affect your little boy. You said your husband admitted that he never built a relationship with your son. The fact that he admits it is good--he is capable of looking at the problem. The sad fact is, that happens! Especially when the bioparent is racked with guilt. The question is, does your DH feel bad about that? Is he motivated to improve the environment that your little boy lives in? Can the counselor help him see the effect his closed-off heart is having on a little person who looks up to him? I've seen a lot of families where things don't "jell" until an "ours" baby comes along. That might make a huge difference...all of a sudden, your DH will be related by blood connection to your son through his new child. Of course, you will want to make it clear that your son will NOT be the odd man out in the family! That this will not be acceptable in any shape, size or form. Hopefully the counselor can help you get some communication going on that. And hopefully you have a good sense of your own power in the dynamic...that you can compromise, but that doesn't equal sucking up treatment that you think is wrong. Eggshells belong in the compost heap. I really am a strong believer in stepfamilies...but the birth pains can be intense. To an extent I experienced some of what you are going through; it broke my heart at first that my DH didn't love my kids as much as he loved his own. Even though if I was honest with myself, I was the same way! But through the years of us consciously trying to do what was best for the kids, barriers of genetics fell, and like a broken bone, our family is stronger for the growing. Gradually, my DH became the "softy" with my kids, and they are all very devoted to each other now. Wishing the best for you and your little guy and SKs and the new little family member on the way.