My ex told me he is still in love with me.
rosewood42
17 years ago
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Karen_sl
17 years agoasolo
17 years agoRelated Discussions
Afraid issues with stepchild/ex will force me to cut & run...help
Comments (57)Dear lovehadley, I've never posted to this board before but I felt compelled to send a message to you. I'm an experienced stepmom of three. My stepkids have two different mothers. One BM is reasonable and helpful. The other is unstable and narcissistic. We have had to work very hard to keep this brood together - and I've learned a lot. I can tell you from experience that unless you set some boundaries and take control of your life, you are in for rocky ride that will definitely include an unwanted divorce. You are correct that most courts now favour 50/50. It's fashionable and it doesn't require anyone to make a real decision. However, it doesn't work for all children or all families. It won't work in your case. The BM is set on making trouble and the child is out of control. The current situation is bad. Moving to 50/50 would be better, but you'd still have an obsessive BM harassing you and a child in your house that you can't manage. Just imagine this child in 5 years, when he's almost as big as you are. Furthermore, your quality of life is just not good enough. You are very young, obviously articulate and you clearly have a compassionate nature. Yet your day to day life is all about your stepson and this crisis. You are going to wake up very soon and find that you're 40 years old and have wasted your young years fighting a battle that you can't win. You need to take control of your situation. It's not working and your fiance's proposed solutions aren't going to make life any better for you. He can fight for sole custody of this child, but he most likely will lose. Even if by some miracle he wins, the child will be opposed to it and he'll be unmanageable. Furthermore, the BM will get very liberal access which will be just the ticket she needs to harass you every minute of your life. It won't be much of a victory and it won't last long. I can pretty much guarantee that this child will end up living fulltime with the BM. Either he will demand it, or you will demand it, or you will leave and your fiance will have no choice but to relinquish custody. How you get to this place is up to you. You can continue to live in this nightmare until you walk out, or you and your fiance can figure out a reasonable schedule whereby this child can live with his mother, and spend ENJOYABLE, nonthreatening visits with you. Believe me, once the BM has this kid on her hands fulltime, she'll be VERY EXCITED about these access visits and she'll make sure that the child is as good as gold every minute. And, best of all, once she's dependant on you for the occasional break, her behaviour will improve dramatically. It's too bad that this child has a lousy mother and behavioural problems. But you can't solve this problem and ruining your life won't make it any better. All you can do is set boundaries for you own life, and then enforce them. It's tough, I know. But, trust me, it works and you will be much happier. The child will be happier too. It's bad to have an unstable mother. But it's much worse to be caught in the middle of a war and be swatted back and forth between two different worlds twice a week. Let your fiance read this email. Good luck....See MoreEx wife 'Still in Love'
Comments (9)How long have you been dating before the engagement? How long was his relationship with the "rebound" woman? How did the ex-wife treat RB woman? She's using the daughter against her ex. Shameful, but very common. Make the little girl feel at home. Make sure she has her own personal areas, special plates to eat on, whatever (we have ice age,etc for my six year old) will make her feel special and involved. BE HER FRIEND. Don't try to be her mom. Just try to be a responsible adult involved in her life. At this age there's still a chance to form a deep, long lasting bond with her. But she will be very torn between loyalties. Don't contribute to those feelings if you can possibly help it. Every little girl needs more "aunties" and "friends". Ex is abusive. Mostly to herself, because she hasn't let go yet. You can rise above it. When my ex and I split up I got an email address specifically for communication with him. That way I was never ambushed. When I checked that email, I could be mentally prepared. Maybe he could acknowledge her pain. If she says "it hurts her, how it's disrespectful, and that our 'behavior' is crossing her personal 'boundaries'" he could email back that he has no intention of hurting her and he's sorry she feels that way. I'd imagine that's true too. It doesn't say he's wrong, or she's wrong, just that he heard her and he's sorry SHE FEELS that way. As long as your PDA's are not innappropriate, keep doing it if that makes you feel comfortable. Personally I would never kiss, or hold hands in front of my ex. Very uncomfortable. But my DH and I keep our PDA's "grandma friendly". Very PG. We have code words for "I love you", it makes it more personal, and does not sound unprofessional if said at work or in front of strangers. Of course we aren't cold fish!!! But we don't flaunt it. Just a consideration. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you. I can say from experience that it probably will not get any easier. Don't stoop to her level. Be gracious and stay as far away as you can....See Morehe just told me to leave
Comments (36)TY you all for your concern. Yes, things are better. When I was out for groceries, I also stopped by the bagel store and picked up fresh bagels (his fav) and made him coffee when I got home. That really confused him. He asked me why. I said because I love you. We always hug and kiss before he leaves for work in the morning, and this morning, he held me soooooooooooooo tight. I made an appt. for today for him, but he didn't get my message, because he never thought to charge his phone all weekend. So, since I didn't hear from him, I went instead. The counselor said I was doing the right thing. In fact, he was rather impressed that in the midst of everything, I went and got the bagels, and made him coffee. When I got home...he's talking to me. I told him I would never leave him, even if he told me to. He had tears in his eyes. We have a joint appt. on Wed. That may be a good time to bring this all up. Thanks again for all the advice, encouragement and good thoughts...See MoreNo one told me I had 8 big blue 'X' s on my neck!
Comments (7)What's really odd is that I accidentally touched one of the blue 'X's right after he marked them and the nurse gave me a little alcohol swab and it removed it quickly. So that's another reason why I assumed they washed it off....See Morebiwako_of_abi
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