Are you sure the problem isn't closer to home than you think? Isn't 'your' husband in the military. How did your BIL meet this OW? Gosh both you and your sister must really love gardening and dogs. Nice that you have the same hobbies and priorities. There are reasons to stay with someone, but a nice landscaped yard isn't on my personal top priority list and I think dogs can move to different homes. There's obviously something wrong with the guy's testoterone levels, hormones, or whatever (heck, I'm not a guy I don't know how this stuff works). If he's unwilling to use Viagra for his wife, but ok with using it for others, I really can't see why she would want to put up with that cr&p. If his sex drive is that bad, I'm not sure he can really know if his lack of desire for his wife is real... Is it due to a medical problem or really her personally? I still wouldn't put up with the straying part. It's bad enough to have a husband that strays or one that can't perform... but if you put them both together and add to it the fact that he doesn't seem to care to want to fix anything... Well, I'm just not seeing a happy ending here... nice landscaping or not. So hope your sister or whoever can learn to live in non sexual friendship type relationship because that seems like the only thing she'll consider. Funny, but maybe if she actually put her foot down, he would have a little more respect for her and wouldn't be treating her this way. If you think you're a washcloth, people often treat you as such.

1. When he is loving he is really genuine and fun to spend time with. That's how most abusers are. It's how they keep their victims around. Sadly, typically the good loving times get fewer and fewer and the abusive times get more and more often. 2. He turned his life around for me in a lot of ways already. He has never cheated on me (yes I am sure)and he hasn't done any drugs or drank very many times since we met. He found a good job and has been responsible. He hasn't cheated on you- yet. Generally with cheaters it's only a matter of time. If he cheated on his last long term relationship odds are better that he'll eventually cheat on you. 3. He lets me stay home well he works to take care of me and provide for us, honestly doesn't mind doing it and never has complained. If that's one of the big reasons why you stay, it's tantamount to admitting you're a kept woman. 4. He is really good in bed and very good looking (lol tmi) And there are lots of good looking, good in bed, non-abusive men out there. 5. My husband is very artistically inclined/ talented. He is a great guitarist/songwriter and does his own photography. Presumably he's doing all this while you want to spend some together time, and so he gets verbally abusive and calls you "clingy". Is it a good trade off, and does this outweigh being a person who will hit you when all else fails? 6. For the most part he is very peaceful (the arguments where he has hit me do no happen often at all and he is usually just a back away from the situation type). The arguments where he hits you should not happen AT ALL. And violent behaviour tends to escalate, however slowly. Think about how you'd feel going from saying, "Oh, he only hits me every couple of months" to "Oh, he only hits me every couple of weeks" to "Oh, he only hits me every couple of days". 7. His outlook on life is always choosing to believe the best will happen and not the worst. Well so it may, for him. 8. He doesn't worry about anything, which really helps me because I have an anxiety disorder. I'd have an anxiety disorder too if I lived with someone who might hit me. Seriously, there have to be better treatments than living with someone who treats you badly, is verbally abusive and calls you "clingy" if you want to spend time together. If you're in a relationship why wouldn't you want to spend time together? It's a reasonable expectation. Otherwise you're the housekeeper and bit on the side while he plays the guitar and takes pictures. 9. I think he genuinely felt bad for keeping it from me that he slept with 15 year old and cheated on his ex. He said he was scared he would loose me. (I do tend to be kinda reactive sometimes. But he didn't feel constrained to keep it from you that he wanted to get back together with his ex and have a baby with her. Especially knowing that you have just lost a baby and may not be able to have another. It's good he's turned his life around somewhat since you've been together but you both need to know that being verbally abusive, pining aloud for the ex and hitting you are all deal breakers for any marriage. Don't put up with it for the sake of a comfortable bed.

My 34 yr old stepdaughter has moved in & out of our home 6 times in the last 10 years. Besides being on drugs & supposedly being "clean" now, she has 2 children (never been married). She doesn't get along with her mom & ends up on our doorstep whenever she gets caught breaking house rules. My husband & BC (stepdaughter) are both co-dependent. Husband & I have never fought about anything but this stepdaughter. She doesn't want to work, can't keep a job, goes out at night (dragging her 5 yr old with her) & parties with her "rehab" friends & comes home drunk OR doesn't come home for several days. Sooo disrespectful! She finally became eligible for Medicaid & thinks if she gets a job she'll lose her medical benefits. Her medical benefits include ongoing Rx's for Suboxone which she sells for spending money. I confronted her on this & she reluctantly admitted it - shocked that I knew about it. There's no reasoning with her. I've spoken with an Addiction Counselor about this & he says you can't reason with an addict. Husband & I have had several sit down discussions with her & her eyes just glaze over. Husband can't confront her because he's afraid he lose contact with the grandchildren. Husband has also tried to put me on a guilt trip about this - he has always succeeded each time. My 2 children (I raised as a single parent) are independent & have decent jobs - which makes this so inexcusable to me. One thing that helped was to approach husband & agree to set a "move out" deadline since she has no goals. I had lost all respect for her & got to the point where I couldn't stand to look at her. Finally decided to sit down with her (with husband present) & tell her how frustrating her behavior was to me. All we got were more excuses for why she couldn't get a job. Unlike her Dad, I didn't buy her excuses. She got up & left. She's been gone for 6 weeks. But I don't expect this to have resolved anything. Addiction counselor said "bottom line - she won't change. She has no incentive to change. Either she goes or you'll have to". I went to another counselor for a second opinion - same advice. Needless to say there is much more to the story. Much more. I've tolerated so much crap from both daughters & ex-wife you wouldn't believe it. Thank God my husband doesn't dispute me anymore re: this particular daughter's behavior.

Trixie's right -- You ARE in an abusive marriage. Only this time, instead of hitting you, it's verbal and psychological abuse. And it won't get any better because your husband doesn't believe there's a problem. Certainly not with HIM. Can't you take a joke? Why are you making such a big deal out of things? How do I know? Because I was married to his clone for 10 years. And it's taken me 15 years to recover and heal. (2 years in therapy) Trixie's also right about what you are teaching your children. You are teaching them that this is the way husband's treat wives. That it's OK to hit, insult, demean and abuse the people you love. That you (and they) deserve to be treated like this. Is that what you want them to learn? The second you decide firmly in your mind to leave this man and provide a loving, emotionally stable, home for your children is the second you will begin to get stronger. The day one of you leaves the house for good is the day your new, positive, life begins. You may feel scared, but you will also feel a lightening of your load that goes almost beyond belief. (When I left my exhole, I remember dreaming about beautiful sparkling-clean windows with sunshine outside and an incredible sense of opportunity.) Get your ducks in a row. Find out where the money is, and talk to a lawyer. If you've been out of the job market for a while, dust off your skill set. Volunteer if necessary, (while he's still paying the bills) to get up-to-date work experience. Just don't do nothing!