turbo d - that sounds like an awesome pile! Don't worry, your wife will come around. My hubby did. It's funny cause he is a great recycler but at first he couldn't get his head around compost. It didn't take him long though and now he's constantly asking "so...can this go into the compost?" :-) Val

When a marriage is in "trouble" and there is bickering and arguing going on between the parties, then there is still hope. The arguments occur because one or both parties still feel something for each other and want to fix what is wrong. It may not be the right way to go about it but the desire is still there. Many couples argue and fight and continue to stay connected. Perhaps it is their style but not a healthy one. The warning sign that your spouse is detaching and disengaging from you is when the arguments about your issues stop. When that happens it basically means that your spouse has given up. Men often times lack insight and think that just because their wife stopped beating the dead horse that everything is now fine and dandy. Not very bright women might think the same thing as well. When the spouse gives up and their personal problems which were the fuel for all the prior arguments do not resolve and never addressed in any sort of emotionally intelligent way then the marriage becomes at risk for divorce and/or infidelity. People who grew up in dysfunctional homes and that can mean anything from violence, emotional/physical abuse, yelling and screaming, unkindness, etc, do not learn the right way to treat themselves and others. They carry that baggage into all aspects of life later on including their marriages. They have been hurt by it and try to control their spouses in order to avoid further hurt. They do not trust and don't feeling deserving of it either. Men who grew up in homes where their father philandered feel that it is normal to cheat. Their family of root is their paradigm. Women who lost their fathers to affairs, can also repeat the cycle by tempting married men. Perhaps with the vindictive desire to get back at their fathers and destroy marriages. I think that as a result they feel damaged and dirty and feel everyone is the same as they are so why bother? Obviously, that is not a pleasant way to feel. Constantly on alert. Always measuring yourself from an outside ruler that is constantly changing. No internal mechanism upon which to judge. No wonder they cheat and argue and fight. Their emotions cause them to trip over their intelligence. Doomed to live an unhappy and defeated life! Actually, we are all at risk when we tie the knot. It is a crap shoot. You really have to know what you are getting into when you get married and being "in love" clowds our minds when we make our choices. That's just life.

Never use Anything with Thompson on the lable. Reread. Again. J.

I will say first, Thurman, that I think it is a cold line of thinking (oh, not just you, I've read the same thing over and over again on another site's board) that some stepparents and bioparents seem to think that whatever happens in an opposite house should 'count' for then what happens in your own home. I've read many times this year 'its not fair so and so gets Christmas from all these other people and my kid only gets this or that and only from me'...blah blah blah. Pfft. Why should what someone else, in this case extended additional family, 'count' towards what you yourself do for your child? His/her child? I think what the non-parents in these situations seem to forget is by trying to make what happens in the other home 'count' one is basically asking a parent to just forget they bore all the children and put just a selected few in their homes front and center. Stupid. And I'm going to bank more often than not it blews up into hurt feelings, resentment and fights during the holidays. Think about it. Made-up Johnny Jr comes homes for Christmas and under the tree is xxx amount of gifts waiting for Johnny Jr to unwrap, but Suzy Jr gets home for Christmas and because Suzy got a gift from opposite parent and a few from Aunt Sally and Grandma Hazel at different houses there is only x amount of gifts under this tree. Pfft, why not just a big sign across the tree stating 'oh, Suzy, YOU already got YOUR presents and way more than needed'? Of course this scenario makes the one parent feel like he/she had to choose between children not only in the home but in the heart. 'Suzy got five big expensive gifts from her father's family so I can only get her more tiny inexpensive gift here and choose to spend all my holiday present budget on my other child, Johnny Jr because he does not go anywhere else for Christmas'. It's bad enough when this happens in homes with adult children (which both in your case are), but picture it happening in homes where the kids are younger, not as mature and only see in their eyes Mommy (or Daddy) got Johnny Jr tons of stuff and Mommy (or Daddy) got ME jack. I do 'get' that Johnny Jr only gets one Christmas vs several for Suzy, and I do 'get' Johnny Jr may have more needs than Suzy due to exteneded additional family...what I don't 'get' is why the situation would allowed to play out in front of the child (actual child and/or adult children). Plan your holiday and your gift giving in a adult common sense manner. For example, 1)give Johnny Jr the extra presents before Suzy arrives. 2) Send Johnny his extra Christmas care package to his dorm in your case. 3) Use your head to think of other less obvious ways to gift the chosen receiver than to wave obvious red flags in their faces while all around the tree on Christmas morning. In your case, Thurman, do you really need to be sure Thurman Jr your son has this huge stack of gifts given to him on Christmas morning purchased by you and to be opened right then right there at that very moment? Is your holiday season going to be totally ruined and the earth end if you had gifted Thurman Jr with perhaps the very same gifts but in a different less obvious manner? I do 'get' it. This is your one and only biochild and you desire to gift him with special presents from his father. It's the only Christmas Thurman Sr and Thurman Jr will be having. But now let's put the shoe on the other foot...Mrs Thurman also wants to have a good holiday with Mrs Thurman Jr, also her biochild. But here you are wanting her to only get a bit for Mrs Thurman Jr because this one of your wife's biochildren already got gifts from other people. Exactly how do you think this makes your wife feel to choose between her two biochildren which child 'deserves' more gifts from her personally? You're telling her she should not buy much for one of her biochildren but should buy her second biochild lots of gifts and present them to second child in front of first child. Why don't you just rip Mom's heart out and stomp on it? You've just requested how she should treat one of her children more 'special' and done it based solely on the fact one of the children will be receiving other gifts from other places at other times. But Thurman...that Christmas tree holiday at your home is the only Christmas Mom will be having with both of her biochildren. Mom is not going to all those other places. Mom is not giving gifts at those other places. Mom just wants to gift both her natural born children in her home around the tree. She loves both children. One child might be yours and the other child not, but they are BOTH YOUR WIFE'S children. For her it's not about spending $50 on one kid and $500 on the other. For her it's not about one kid having a dozen presents and the other kid getting just say two because somebody else somewhere else already gave one of her children something. As far as what you, Thurman, buy you yourself for your SD, I think should be your decision. If you want to go out and buy a gift, warp it and put your name on it 'to SD from Thurman' , do so. If you don't want to, don't. If you feel your selected gift you actually purchased and pick out for her yourself is not appreciated either for what it is or from who it's from...just don't waste your efforts on doing it. Let wife do the shopping for you for a gift from you to SD if that works out better for you. Just tell wife about how much you would like to spend yourself on SD's gift and let wife go pick it out staying within the budget you set for the gift from you. If wife and you usually instead give SD joint gifts with both your names (from Mom and Thurman)on the tag then speak to Mrs Thurman about how YOU feel about it...if you don't want your name on the tag ask wife not to do so. There is not a 'rule' in any book that Thurman can't go out Christmas shopping, buy a ton of gifts for Little Thurman , wrap them and put a tag on gift 'to Thurman Jr from Dad' ...all that's needed is a bit of common sense as to how and when you gift son with all your personal presents. You earn a paycheck, Thurman. You can gift your son anything and as much of whatever you please that fits your budget...but the unwriten 'rule' would be DONT try to control Christmas for the other people in your life and DONT set up a frigging gift competition under a tree on Christmas morning. Use your head, Thurman. Organize your personal gift giving in creative and nonhostile/resentful methods. Little Mrs Thurman needs not know what nor how much Thurman gifted his son with...just don't flaunt your extras to your son in your SD's face or make Mrs Thurman feel you made HER choose between what and how she buys for her TWO children.