This is why more and more employers are refusing to hire smokers. They require more down-time and break-time than other employees.

However, what you've described is more than that. A cigarette takes a few minutes...even including walking too/from the location. What you've described is avoidance and time-wasting behavior way beyond smoke-breaks. Of course the smoking association is there but that isn't the nut.

From what you've written, I don't think you even need to mention the smoking. If you can manage a discussion, it seems to me focusing on the time-wasting is as far as you need to go.

Well he doesn't do it at work. He would get fired! We work for the same company and there is a two break limit per day. He stays quite busy at work but at home maybe he is bored? And doesn't know what else to do?
If I tell him 'what' to do then I feel like I am mothering him.

However, this morning he watched the weather and tomorrow to Wednesday it's supposed to be 109 degrees and he said, I don't think I will be smoking much this week -- maybe I can quit. Lol good luck!!

I think you have a serious problem. Serious enough that it might be time to get some counselling to help.

For starters, anyone who smokes like that is physically addicted and probably CANNOT just cut back or quit. I have a sister who is a heavy smoker like your husband. When her husband almost died, had to have a pacemaker installed, and lost a week of his life he doesn't remember due to heart failure, she adamantly stated that if he made it, and had to quit smoking, she would too--so as not to tempt him. Well, you guessed it--he made it, he QUIT smoking.... she did not. And, as you can imagine, eventually he went back to it. Have never smoked, myself, but I can see that it's a seriously addicting drug. So just making a fuss--even a gentle, carefully worded one, isn't going to get your husband to stop. More likely, it's going to make him feel guilty--which will morph into anger (at himself for being so weak, and at you for pointing it out, and at the kids for no real reason other than they're there and complicating the situation).

You know that no one with an addiction is going to make changes unless and until THEY want to. No matter how much those who love them want to see them improve their lives, it won't work until they, themselves see the need.

As I said, I think your best bet is to have a chat with a counselor--mainly because I think the assistance would help YOU come to grips with accepting the situation.

No matter how much we may want to, we can NEVER base any relationship on the idea that we want the other to change. The only way to be happy with our significant others is to first choose people we have a lot in common with, and then to accept them as they are--warts and all.

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Thanks for the advice.

He is clearly avoiding the "work" involved with a family, by going outside to smoke. Why don't you say to him that he can smoke inside to keep him inside, to see if that gets him helping out more ?

I think you should decide to stop all the fuming coming from your direction and just communicate with him how you feel. You don't have to argue just have a gentle chat.

You say you want to save for a house, well a lot of that saving potential is going up in smoke, literally. How much is spent of cigarettes in your house ?

I know you don't want a lecture about the evils of smoking, but (I'll give you one anyway !) give up the cigs and everyone will benefit, you will get a house, your hubbie will help inside with the housework, and you will all be a lot healthier and the children might be adults who don't smoke.

Good luck.

If he sits at the end of the driveway for 2 hours, smoking and talking on his cell.... I think something more is going on than smoking.

No he is not talking on his cell. He is playing games. I've checked ;)
It is clearly a game ... Because he isn't hiding it. He is sitting at the driveway because I don't want the smoke in the house.

The amount going out financially has come down A LOT. It was $250 a month. In July it was $85. Ok so I was very proud of that and so was he. The numbers were shocking. And the drastic jump from $250-$85 is wonderful!

We talked today at lunch. I started with, how in the world do you enjoy being outside when it's 110 degrees outside? Aren't you 'dying' out there? He said 'ya its hot I don't want to do it anymore, I guess I just got into the habit of us sittin outside chatting'. I said well we aren't chatting when you're playing AngryBirds or whatever shootem' game you are playing. And I explained that I was a little 'tired' of the game playing because I don't get that down time and so I feel 'jealous' and 'resentful' that I'm 'working' and he is 'playing'. I guess he never realized? When it's cooler, we are all outside with the kids BUT it's so hot I don't let the kids play outside right now.
Tonight has been a better night. Thanks for letting me vent and for some of the advice.
Basically he says he is VERY stressed at work. I work there too so I get it. I offered the counseling idea. He isn't against it but wonders if we really need counseling OR if it would help for us to communicate our frustrations first before allowing them to build up? Hmmm probably a good idea. I am not good at this.

I know that smoking is 'bad'. Completely aware of it and i often wonder HoW I became a smoker since neither of my parents smoke. Neither did his. In fact, he was already out of college when he started which is so weird to me. Most people start really young ... But he was already an adult.. And wasn't raised around smokers ... I am considering this 'game' ap for the iPhone for him... It is supposed to help you quit but honestly I think he would benefit from just seeing a dr to get help. I will absolutely quit 100% - it's just easier for me to detach from it whenever I want.

Thanks again.

Hi Myfam. My DH smokes too. A lot. And I was like you, a drag here when people are over and we're having drinks... a drag there when I meet up with an old friend who smokes. Etc.

I "quit" a couple of times (never have bought my own packs or smoked more than one cig a day) but I've now been since December 2010 without a smoke.

The benefit is that we're not a "team" for smoking anymore. I don't make it easy for him, I don't walk with him when he's going the distance (in airports, etc) to get his fix. I just disengaged.

I think my DH will smoke forever. And I hate that. But I don't think I can ever change it.

My DH plays games when he smokes too.

I think the biggest issue is not the smoking or the games, but that you aren't getting help... right? If I am correct, focus on that with him. My DH will say things like "and then I have to _____" and I'll come right back and say "I understand, because I just ___________". And it helps him to get it. I seriously think many men do not consider how the dishes are done or laundry is magically transformed from dirty to clean.

Hey silver
I really think my Dh will smoke forever too.

When I get frustrated that he has been outside for a while, he will notice and say 'are you mad?' I say 'no'. (lie obviously) then he says 'what do you need me to do?' that makes me feel mad too especially if the sink is full, the laundry is pilled up, toys are every where, kids are not in the bath yet, I want to say 'look around!'
I hate that he wants me to tell him what to do. He says it's because I am picky about chores and like them done a certain way so he doesn't want to do them wrong. I do like things to be done 'right' but lots of things don't take a brain surgeon ... Like putting the dishes in the dishwasher, I think he does an excellent job. Cleaning his own office.. Also something I think he can do without me having to tell him. Taking the trash out, not hard to do or figure out... It's time to take the trash out.. Or putting his own folded clothes away. Why do I have to tell him? Why can't he just do it?

He is a 'self manager' at work and doesn't need someone to tell him what needs to be done.. But at home, I have to guide him and it's exhausting so I just don't tell him anything, I let him play his games..

Thanks for understanding what I was meaning. For a minute I wanted to shoot myself because it sounded like I was concerned about his fidelity. Not a concern for me whatsoever. Very sure he is just not motivated at home after having to be self motivated all day. I know how he feels but there are still things that need to be done.

My DH has told me "make a list". And I say BS because I'm not going to tell you what to do. Look around, see what needs to be done, start working on it. It's that simple.

But maybe for you a schedule would work. Write down the time you get home, the tasks that need to be completed before 6pm (starting dinner, straightening up the kitchen/living room/dining room, getting homework done with kids, etc) and then a post-dinner list (clean kitchen, get kids motivated toward bed) then a post-kids list (that can include the two of you sitting in your driveway while the laundry is in the dryer :)

I think most men are just like that. They simply cannot see what to most women is obvious. Please note that I'm speaking in generalities. I have had that experience many, many times. Why do I need to tell you what needs to be done???? JUST LOOK!

Haha - but they don't get it. They need a list and can follow it. But in their own head? Nope.

This isn't a man-bashing post; not at all. It's simply an observation of a difference. A hugely annoying difference! :-)

I dont understand why you dont just tell him whats bothering you,if you dont tell him, how is he supposed to know that there is a problem,I would show him this thread,he sounds like a decent man,my bet is he would be shocked if he actually knew .Just tell him.

In my experience, we should never assume people know what we want. If we want a clean house, what does that mean ? Maybe it isn't so obvious. We have different standards on what we say is "clean and tidy".

I have always been very specific when asking for help with the housework. With my children and husband. And I never expect the task to be done to the exact high standards that I would achieve ! If you ask for help and your family genuinely helps you, you should "praise, praise, praise".

Sure the tasks are simple and anyone could do them, but we think they are simple because we have done them forever !

Good communication skills, read up on that...is the key to harmony in the household.

If you want things done your way, and only that way, people won't want to help.

The real problem is that when it comes to housework, people assume it is all basic tasks and that anyone can do it. I say that this is not so, it takes great skill to have everything running smoothly and housework should be thought of as an important job that requires a myriad of skills.

Happy home = happy people.

"If you want things done your way, and only that way, people won't want to help."

I wish they'd take the ten commandments down and replace it with a huge stone with that chiseled into it.

"Happy home = happy people."

Yup. Good on ya, popi.

Maybe you could try getting him one of those electronic cigarettes? They feel like smoking without the smoke so there is no second hand smoke or smell.Vapor comes out instead that is instantly evaporated.They come in all different flavors and have different levels of nicotine.They can be a tool in helping someone cut back on regular cigs or quit.

This isn't a cure-all,but maybe it would satisfy him some so he wouldn't have to be outside smoking so much.You could give it to him as a gift and tell him you'd like to see him inside more.
Of course,it could be that going outside is also his "down" time,or that he is just bored too.
I used to smoke more when I was bored...

I dont think its about smoking ,he is using a smoke as an excuse,he wants peace and quiet,dont we all,but as a parent, it is impossible,this man is letting his wife do the lot whilst he smokes ,its an excuse for a break.I Wonder what would happen if the tables were turned,No washing done, no ironing, house a pig sty,no dinner,no important things,but if you dont tell your husband how is he supposed to know?

"Why do I need to tell you what needs to be done???? JUST LOOK!"

OK...I can tell you from a man's perspective why it does not work that way...because women generally have a different pecking order on what things they want done around the house. I'm divorced now, so I have the please of setting my own priorities around the house, but I remember when I was married, I might spend the whole day doing things that I thought were important, cleaning out gutters, painting, landscaping, whatever...but inevitably, after busting my a$$ all day, the ex would chime in with "so...are you ever gonna get to the blah-blah-blah ?"

We'd rather just have you tell us what we need to do so we don't spend a whole day busting our butts, and then have you be biatching at us anyway. Just makes life a whole lot easier....

Ok mkroopy, he told me that this morning and it worked! Chores were done and Momma was HAPPY!

On a side note, I have fabulous news to report.

I never said anything to hubby about this smoking thing. We went on vacation last weekend and he didn't smoke at all. My folks went with us and out of respect my Dh won't smoke around them, nor his parents. He went 5 days without a smoke. (he was a bit crabby day 1 and 2)

When we got home, he immediately lit up. The next night when he came to bed he said 'I want to quit smoking'

WHAT????

He said he felt so good over the weekend and then was feeling like crap again the first day back. He said he just doesn't have any energy but that he felt great over the weekend and then was back to feeling bad the next day back to work.

So he set a quit date of yesterday. He slowed Down over the week an came to a complete stop some point on Thursday. We were so busy this week we weren't home for him to sit outside etc. Today we got sitters for the kids and we are spending time cleaning the house, 'fall cleaning our closets, kids rooms, getting ready for day one of school in a week. He is being a bit crabby but I'm taking into consideration the withdrawals he is going through and I am NOT nagging him.
We talked about my feelings at that point and how he has not been helping around the house much lately and that I just feel completely overwhelmed with the house work and kids. So we set out a schedule that we want to get in to for the beginning of school and I'm really excited about it. I really hope he quits for good. Since it was his choice and had nothing at all to do with my nagging ( since I had not started yet) I think he will be successful.

I'm so proud of him!

tell him how bad it is for his health, how shorter his life will be if he picks up yet another cigarette

Right....I'm sure that will be a complete revelation to him.

Right Asolo-- he told me that's what makes him want another one lol

Just as a follow up-- my husband is no longer smoking. We are actually putting that $250 a month into savings for our first home... It probably won't help anyone else but he just decided to quit on his own. And now that we can talk about it freely he has told me that if I nagged at him about it or got mad about smoking, it made him want to do it even more.

Now that he isn't sitting outside every evening, he is spending a lot more time with the kids and I've noticed a change in my son's behavior .. I don't think he was getting the daddy time that he was wanting or needing. And my husband's allergies have gotten so much better!!

Well that is good news for your family. It is great that lots of good things are happening, because the ciggies have been binned.

My dear old dad gave up smoking when my daughter was born, that was back in 1987, he was a heavy smoker, he just stopped one day and that was it. I was very glad that he thought so much of my child that he didn't want to smoke around her. It does make a big difference to a family when a smoker gives up. But it would have been better if he had given up when I was a child ! Better late than never, I guess.

All the best to you all.

I like happy endings. Doesn't everyone?