When I said "help him" I meant it's time to stop being a roommate and claim your rights as a wife. Sounds like you have no say in your marriage about who lives in the house? I would begin by telling all concerned that it is time for the "kids" to start looking for a place of their own. Include a timeline.

Scarlett, I've done that seveal times but DH tells them never mind that, they can stay as long as they like/need to. And then gets anry that I say anything. He undermimes any authority I have here. You are correct I have no say in marriage about who lives in this house.

~Cat

Yea Athlete,
I know where you are coming from. Acutally when my DS was here in high school through age 20, I was harder on him, not mean but had higher expectations. Also DH treated him not very nicely at best and at worst did not acknowledge his exhistance other than to complain/nitpick me to death over every little thing he did.

So that fact that I now have no choice in living in this situation is even more of a slap in th face to me. I had thought previously that once all the kids were out there would be no more of the "mine are so much better than yours" and all thse dynamics. My DH is unable to have a postive or any relationship with my son. He has not & will not make any effort at all. My sons been gone 1.5 yr.s and not once does DH ask what or how is he doing. It's like he is gone and no longer exhists to him. Yet my life must revolve around his older kids that should be self sufficient. Talk about feeling resentful and hurt.

I never talk to DH about my son because he is not interested at all, when I try he just acts like he doesn't her or grunts yet I am supposed to be interested in every little drama in his kids lives. I do not think our marriage will last. I have to be honest as I don't think I will ever get over the hurt he caused me by alienating my only child from our "family" while making his the center of the universe.

I just can't get past it and can't talk to him about it as he just will go into things my kid did hen he was 15 that made him angry and every little thing I've done since we met. It's just not worth it. He hates confrontation so I stopped a long time ago.

Mind you my kid is fine in college,doing great, our relationship is close but he now has no desire to have anything more than a very cordial superficial relationship with my DH, only for my benefit (and I don't blame him!). I really regret staying & toughing it out so long.

DH is a very nice guy but is unable to care for someone elses child. He was the same way with my old dog. He would neve put him out to potty if he got home hours before I did even if the dog had been in all day. But our dog we have now is his spoiled baby.

Oh and SS29 just told me yesterday he sgned up for 2 fall softball leagues and a bowling league on 2 other nights (which isn't cheap) and who does he tink will babysit? Not me, but I am sure DH will say sure, no problem which nixes us having time together when he is in town. So if he can afford all those leagues, a new car, going out every night umm why is he living here?

How can you salvadge a marriage with all those negative feelings? Aside from the issue of supporting the adult kids I can't seem to let go of my deep hurt and anger over these things.

Mind you I do not mistreat anyone but when DH & I speak or the little time we are together, I'm just not feeling it anymore. The spark is GONE, and I don't think it will come back. I find him very attractive but I have no desire for him anymore, I just feel disrespected and that doesn't make you feel close to your spouse, kwim?

There were several times I was planning on leaving the past few yr.s but his parents got sick, then died, so I stayed, his sister got sick & died, our DIL got sick and died, thne I had 2 emergency surgeries, so things happened. I didn't want to leave him when his parents were ill and needed help-that woul be cruel. But now, things are calm and we apart more than together. DH even twice this week asked me when I was going back to work-he knows-assoon as I recover from knee surgery-I have a torn meniscus and tried to work on it but couldn't, Doc told me to rest it for 3 weeks then if no better surgery. I cant help this, I didn't do this intentionally-yet he is upset that I cannot work temporarily. It upsets me that he can support everyone else yet makes me feel guilty about this.

Th best way I have learned to deal with my anger and resentment about my marriage and situation is to disengage from any emotional connection with him, and I guess it worked to some extent. I refuse to get sucked into the latest drama, we don't discuss anything that matters to me to much , keep it light.

Wow, sorry this post took such a long space. Guess I needed to vent. If you got this far you deserve a cookie!
~Cat

Hi Cat,

OK. A cookie sounds good, and I like chocolate chip. LOL

It is so wrong for your husband not to ask about your son. I always ask my wife about my adult stepson, but I usually know what he is doing since he still lives with us.

I have an adult SD too, and I always ask about her. She moved out years ago.

Based on what has happened to you, I think it's only natural for you to feel the way you do right now. I don't know how you salvage a marriage in this situation. You can't do it alone. Your husband has to be willing to change. It might take a long time to get over all the hurt, anger and frustration.

By the way, my wife had young dog before we got married, and soon after I started taking care of her. I feed her, take her out all the time, play with her, take her to the vet, etc. I love the dog.

Yea, it's strange, the dog I had when we married was a black lab but very old, he was so sweet and lovey. My DH just did not like him at all- totally ignored him all the time even when he just came over for a pet. Fast forward to our Dog now also a black lab-he totally loves her. I don't get it.

I think he just is unable to love anything of mine that came before him including my child. I couldn't do that to any dog or kid. And even with the situation I'm in with the Adult-Skds living here we still talk and have a decent relationship, you know?

It's very hurtful when I know he could care less about my kid. My son is my heart, and it kills me that my DH can't even pretend to be interested in how he is doing, even for me.

Anyway, I am upset because my knee has put off my accepting a travel position -temporarily. I will go as soon as I'm able to do the job. SS told me he & his brother were planning on getting a apt together in Oct possibly. I really don't care anymore, because I'll hopefully be on assignment by then.

That's wonderful that you're so accepting of your wifes children and make the effort. I am sure that means the world to her. You truly are having a blended family.

That's just not my experience for 8 yr.s now. I don't think it's going to change or I guess I've just given up and want to be happy now. I want my feelings to matter to someone, even if that someone is me-myself & I. And the dogs of course :0)

Well, actually I didn't bring any children into the marriage. My wife and I have been together for 14 years and we have been married for 11. Our daughter together is 8 years old.

My wife was married at a young age the first time. We're both 47. Both stepkids have been adults for several years now.

I love kids, and we tried to have another one, but it just didn't work out.

Our dog is getting old now, but hopefully she has a few more years left.

You deserve some happiness in your life after what you have had to put up with.

Thank you. I have spent a bit of time with SS29 & G-son over the past few days, enjoyable shopping, going to the park with G-son. We have a pleasant time, shoot the breeze etc..I enjoy watching G-son play and learn.

But it draws me no closer to DH. I love him, just not feeling "in love". I think besides all the drama we have had the last 8 yr.s We just do not spend time togethe anymore, we never do things as a couple and haven't for a very long time.

Very sad. Perhaps a lot of women would be thrilled to just have a good provider and roof over their head etc. But I need a relationship in my marriage.

Yea I lost my old dog 2 yr.s ago, it was so hard to let him go & then my 17 yr old kitty last yr from the poison pet food outbreak. I had no plans to get anymore animals but here they are & I love them dearly. I think they keep me from getting too depressed I HAVE to get up, take care of them and play with them. They are good for me..

Just wish I could not feel so removed/completely disengaged about our marriage

It's sad when couples do not spend quality time together as they did early in their relationship. That makes everything more difficult than it should be.

There is a loss of privacy when an adult stepkid (or 2) is living in your house. I often felt that my wife was practicing relationship avoidance in conjunction with my stepson's responsibility avoidance. The two seemed to feed off each other in this way.

I married my wife because I wanted to have a relationship with her. There may be a lot of guys out there who satisfied with very little interaction with their spouse, but not me.

Yes, I know a lot of women too that would be perfectly content in m situation as long as the bills are paid. But I married my Dh because I wanted his love and companionship.
Sometimes I wonder if I left how long would it be before he noticed? Except for the electronic tether (cell phone) I think it might be 2-3 weeks.

Right now, emotional detachment is the only thing keeping me sane.

Yes, me also. I just think that I have managed to detach so well, that I have lost that emotional bond with my DH, I can't help it though. Our relationship is what it is.

I will actually be relieved to start assignment so I can be away and really think clearly about what I want out of our marriage or if I want to be in it anymore.

While I still feel great love and affection for my DH & StepKids, I'm just not sure that I'm able to keep sticking it out under these circumstances. Big changes would have to occur and I think I am the one who has to make them.

Detaching with love has most definately been my saving grace. It keeps me from walking around totally pissed off all the time. That is no way to live.

~Cat

Cat - I feel like I'm detatching too well also. I want the bond with my DH, but I think there's too much water under the bridge. He feels that everything is my fault in the marriage. I've done things that I'm not proud of (stupid things) but he won't acknowledge his part, or how he reacts to my part. I don't hate him; for some reason I feel sorry for him in that he can't let certain things go and it's eating away at him.

Exactly-too much water under the bridge. Even if DH addressed the issues of our current living situation I doubt it would change how I feel now. It's just been so much over the years, and now I just cannot get the feelings of emotional closeness and intimacy back.

He could make the adult kids get their own place (supposedly they are in October), make an effort to have some type of relationship with my son or at least ask if he is still alive once a week, he could try to spend time with me as husband and he could pretend to be interested in me and my interests. He could do ALL those things, but I frankly don't want the pressure of it now, it is too late.

It's just too late to get back to "us". "We" are not "us" anymore. Honestly he is coming home for a day or two this weekend and I do not want to have sex with him. I know he will want too it's been more than a month but I'm not feeling it- I'm just not. But I feel there is no way to say this to him without being hurtful to him.

I just want to get my knee fixed and get the hell out of here so I can think straight.

What a sad story --

And while I certainly see how living in an emotionally disconnected marriage is less painful than trying and repeatedly failing to connect -- I can also assure you that living that way is a sure way to kill your marriage. You know that too -- it's clear from your writing. And it sounds like you are wondering if your marriage may already be dead -- accepting that it probably is, even.

But don't just accept it! If you love this man, and it sounds like you do, then it's just too important. If you think there's even a remote chance that your feelings can be rekindled then you owe it to yourself to try and repair the marriage.

My Ex didn't believe in counseling either. But I made an appointment anyway, told him when and where, and said I was going with or without him. I said he could come with me to "discuss HOW to save our marriage" or that I would go alone to "discuss IF our marriage was worth trying to save." I only wish I hadn't waited so long to make that appointment. By the time we started counseling, I was so worn down I didn't have much emotional effort left to give. It sounds like you're getting there, too.

So don't wait! Pick up the phone and schedule that appointment today. Schedule it for a Monday or Friday so your DH can make it if he tries. You have to make him see that if he won't try a little bit NOW that his marriage will be over.

As another wise poster often says "Women believe words. Men believe actions."
Take a decisive action.
But make it a positive one.

Thanks Sweeby,
Very good advice, but we are on such a tight budget & I am dependant on DH's financial support now til this health issue is taken care of. I would gladly go but don't think DH would. He went with his Ex many years ago and said the counselor told her to do what makes her happy and to leave him-she did. So he has negative feelings about counseling.

I do feel bad and guess I am not quite as detached as I hoped as DH yelled at me tonight for asking him 3 times during a 20 minute phone convo when/if he was coming home tonight. I was trying to clarify and everytime I asked he would say yea, I'm trying but I have to do this that & the other...Anyway I reacted when he started yelling and said "Whatever then! Dont come home on my account!" (He's not, has a job in town he has to finish then he is going back up north) I was upset he blew up a me. He got mad & said "Fine-Bye."

I did feel bad for hurting his feelings (though angry that he blew up at me!) & texted him & said I was sorry for saying that & that I felt hurt when I wasn't able to express that I missed him and didn't like being completely financially dependant on him." He never responded. So I will probably be punished with the silent treatment when/if he comes home for 2 days.

God. Why does it always have to be so hard? I feel so sad and drained. I don't think he cares anymore, I feel I am a nuisance to him. I was only trying to clarify.

We cannot communicate anymore unless it's something he wants to hear :0(

He phoned last night to say he would be home this morning sometime, but would be leaving Sun night after the job.

Nothing was said about or spat. I think that is the end of it. At least I am not being punished with the silent treatment though we really don't talk all that much anyways but I hate that silent treatment game. I'd rather talk it out.

Woke up this am to SS25's shiny new big 4x4 in our driveway. Nice. He's got a new motorcycle, new 4x4, but can't afford to move out-Whateever. Detaching with love here.

Impossible situation unless/until those overgrown slugs he calls "sons" get the hell out.

How did you manage to sign on for this silliness? I can't imagine tolerating it.

I was just going to post-PLEASE, help me get hol of my ager, I am seething over this new truck.

"Very good advice, but we are on such a tight budget & I am dependant on DH's financial support now til this health issue is taken care of."

So you don't have enough money to save your marriage?
I'm assuming you have enough to get divorced?
Oh wait -- Isn't a divorce more expensive?

Don't mean to be snarky here - but it seems you're letting a smaller problem stand in the way of a larger issue.
You and your DH aren't communicating well and your marriage is really hurting -- tetering on the bring of death -- because of it.

It sounds to me like your marriage can be saved. But your DH needs a figurative 'slap upside the head' to get him to realize that he has to change some things.

Now.

And in that context "we can't afford it right now" just seems like such a pitiful excuse.

Sweeby,
Of course itis worth it to me, however I am not bringing ANY income into the home right now, therefore I get NO say so in what the money gets spent on.

That's the way things work here at this house. Yes divorce would be more expensive, emotionally to me. I can't "make" DH attend counseling with me, I have tried many times, even when we had coverage for it.

Also although I would make the time, DH is out of town 25 days plus a month...he has to take the work when & where its available he is self employed. For the past yr and a half that's been 3.5-4 hours away.

But like I said I can't make any demands, no one demands my DH do aything or it will not happen-ever. But the fact that I'm off work due to an injury means I forfit any say-so about finances.

He got home late this am & left for the job. Did kiss me on the cheek & told me he loved me before he left. We didn't discuss the new truck-I don't even want to hear it. Hopefull we can have a pleasant evening before he leaves tomorrow.

"....I forfit any say-so about finances."

Not in most states. 1/2 of income earned while married belongs to the spouse. Considered community property.

So, you're a slave then? Kept woman? And an injured one to boot? Guess unless you're a breeder there's not much sense in keepin' ya. : )

IMHO, you've got as much say about finances as he does. I don't know why you would think otherwise.

I totally agree with Asolo on this one --

Just because you're temporarily without a paycheck doesn't mean you're temporarily without a voice, or a vote.
You are an equal partner in this marriage. At least you should be.
Unless YOU decide to settle for less.

Sorry - but you're making excuses.
I don't mean to minimize the difficulties -- I've lived them myself --
But you're making excuses for why you can't help yourself right now.

Mmm no, it's not that I think that way, I agree in a court of law I would have equal say but I'm not living in a court of law. I realize I can change things in how I react but unfortunately right now I cannot leave as I can not work until surgery & rehab.

I have flat out said many times after the last time the kids were here for 9 months that I no longer wanted them living with us & DH agreed!! Yet he tells them to move in without even asking me & last time let SS29 have his GF move in too -against my wishes. And I am not heartless, if they were truly in dire need and or unable to support themselves of course I would want them here to get on their feet. But trust me they are on their feet. THey both have good paying jobs and could support themselves if they chose too.

What can I do? Seriously? No I am not making excuses, I am planning on taking assignment elsewhere as soon as I am recovered from surgery. I am making plans to make a better life as soon as I am able. How am I making excuse's?

DH knows all of this, I have been honest with him about my feelings. I think it bothers him that I am unhappy but at the same time he resents me being dependant on him.

I'm not settling, but realistically I can't up and leave nor make appt.s for therapists I cannot pay until I have the means to pay them. I can't force DH to go/nor pay for it if he does not want to.

He knows I love him, He knows I am unhappy and why I am unhappy and he is not happy supporting the kids either-I think, yet he will not stop.

"Just because you're temporarily without a paycheck doesn't mean you're temporarily without a voice, or a vote."

Um yea in THIS household that's exactly how we roll.

Is it right?-No. Is it fair?-No, but that is the way it is.

Just like I didn't get a vote when he co-signed for SS's new ride, or many other things concerning our finances/savings. But I did get a vote over buying the house & I nixxed that for obvious reasons.

I agree 100% and voice my vote and opinions, but when DH hears something he doesn't want to hear the yelling or silence treatment begins. I'm not making excuses, but I cannot control him nor do I want too. I do not want a future of supporting adult kids while they buy toys.

I am most certainly not accepting things as they currently are, but until I am on equal footing money wise and he knows I have the money to walk (about 6 weeks), he will not take me seriously.

I know the man loves me in his way. He gave me a kiss on his way out and told me he loves me. I can see he is sad over our lack of closeness. I will mention counseling to him as soon as we get a quiet moment alone together and just see if perhaps he has changed his outlook. I have done so many, many times to only be shot down but what the heck, what's one more time.

I am not just rolling over and being a doormat, but I am trying really hard to not overreact to things (like the kids bring home new toys etc..) because when I get angry and say something to DH he goes into defense & protecting them. He makes excuses for them to continue living here while they party every weekend etc..Seriously Sweeby if you were living with this situation what would you do if you simply wanted to live peacefully until you were able to address it/ state your dealbreakers in the relationship and be prepared to back it up?

Though I suppose I could lay it all out now as technically he can't throw me into the street or anything but my life could really get difficult by way of the kids if they suspected a breakup was in the works.

I will say though lately, I feel as though I have been focused on the negative aspects of our relationship.

I don't think that's good for any marriage. I am so frustrated with my health issue and being dependant. And also just really wishing DH & I could have good close marriage and spend tme together enjoying each others company.

Also I hav been told kids are moving out in Oct so rather than being frustrated at my current lack of privay maybe I should keep my eyes on the prize. I know I sound like a complete witch. They are not bad kids, not into drugs both work etc. but it makes me feel resentful especially since DH had all of these "conditions" when my DS was living here and he nit-piked every little thing he did. It was awful & I never want to treat my s-kids that way.

He's a good guy, a good provider, he will do anything for y friends or his kids or family. He does think of me and picks me up little tihngs here and there. He tries to make me happy and do for me.

I need to focus on that stuff, quit whining and suck it up. Every marriage has it tough times, that's life. You are right Sweeby, I need to deal with what I've got and make it as good as I can.

"I have done so many, many times to only be shot down but what the heck, what's one more time. "

Yep - If you approach it the same way -- as a suggestion or request -- then yes, it'll be just one more time. What's that old saying about the definition of insanity? To keep on doing the same thing but expect a different outcome.

That's why you have to do something different.

"Seriously Sweeby if you were living with this situation what would you do if you simply wanted to live peacefully until you were able to address it/ state your dealbreakers in the relationship and be prepared to back it up?"

Catlettuce, I was in that situation. As I posted above:

"But I made an appointment anyway, told him when and where, and said I was going with or without him. I said he could come with me to "discuss HOW to save our marriage" or that I would go alone to "discuss IF our marriage was worth trying to save." I only wish I hadn't waited so long to make that appointment. By the time we started counseling, I was so worn down I didn't have much emotional effort left to give.

You see, it wasn't quite an ultimatum, because at that point, I wasn't sure I would walk if he didn't go. As I said, I would go to counseling to see if what we had - with no real changes on his end - was worth saving. And as it turned out, he did go, and he did say he was willing to change -- and he even made a few small changes. But by the time we finally went to counseling, all of his changes amounted to too little too late.

And that's why I'm being so insistent with you now --
because in some ways, it sounds like what you have is worth trying to save.
If you wait too long, it won't be saveable.

So, your husband gladly indefinitely supports his adult children and their hangers-on, who are quite capable of supporting themselves, but resents temporarily supporting his WIFE, who has health issues and cannot work for a forseeably short time? Presumably you are doing things around the house and so contributing to the household in kind if not in cash, but even if you couldn't due to ill health, that's what "in sickness and in health" means.
Did he only marry you for your paycheck?
It doesn't matter who brings in the most money, you both have to live in the household and you both should have a say. Would be the same if it was the other way around.
It seems that as far as decisions, opinions and desires go, around your house you are "Mrs Invisible" and don't matter. I think that's incredibly sad. You have to decide if you're going to be happy being "Mrs Invisible" forever (a pattern in your relationship has been established and I truly doubt it will change even when the "kids" move out; and as things are nothing will stop your husband moving them back in at the drop of a hat), or if you'd rather be "Ms Visible" somewhere else where you DO matter. I also think you should calmly let your husband know this is how you're thinking so he can decide if he wants to change, because really, if you're "Mrs Invisible" to him, what difference would it make if you were there or if you weren't?

Hi Cat,

I think that colleenoz makes very good points here.

A lot of damage has been done to your relationship, and your husband has to decide if he wants to help fix it. It will take time if that's what you both want.

It's important to decide what the future will hold for you in that house if you stay. Will your husband pay more attention to you and your son?

Even if the stepsons move out, will it be only partially and for how long? Will they come back for overextended visits again and again with the resulting loss of privacy for you?

I know what a hangers-on situation is like, and it's completely understandable that you want to get away from it.

Athlete

Hey, Cat,
You know, when the paramedics arrive on the scene of a terrible accident, the first thing they do is triage- sorting out the problems and dealing with the most urgent ones first.

So if a "paramedic" arrived on the scene of your marriage, I think he or she would first look at your depression, because I think that is coloring all your thinking right now. If things change, you may become less depressed, or could it work the the other way around?

Next, evaluate whether you are trying to get blood out of a turnip or is it really possible to have the relationship you need? The answer to that tells you what decision you have to make.

Good luck and keep posting.

Just wanted to update although there is not much to update. SS26 joined a football/baseball & bowling league, got lots of new hunting equipment and a new handheld GPS, trip up north sigh.. Though he is doing some work for DH (and being paid handsomely for it). I have figured out why they are not planning to move out til Oct, hunting season is a few weeks into Sept-priorities.

SS 26 told me the other night he would lik to run DH's business for him in a few yr.s so DH could retire, sounds great except there may be no business and there is definately no retirement in the future as it stands now. No way could DH employ anyone fulltime..

DH is working out of town still and not sure when he will get home. I do have to say though DH has covered my bills this past month while I've been off without a complaint. He has been quite supportive regarding my knee injury & not just financially, so I really feel kinda crappy complaining about the SS's though I realize it is completely different.

At least I know they will be moving out in Oct (hopefully) I'm resentful that they continue to live beyond their means instead of saving up to get their own place, though it's beating a dead horse and it would be a arguement if I mentioned it to DH.

Not much new to report, surgeon reevalutes me in 2 weeks. It's feeling a bit better and I am hoping to avoid surgery (as I have had 3 surgeries in 2 yr.s-I'm sick of the whole sx deal) he say's it's unlikely this will heal on it's own. Either way I am picking up a couple of shifts to see how it holds up and will decide if this is a level of discomfort I can live with for awhile or to bite the bullet and get it fixed.

I am planning on setting a counseling appt for DH & I when I know he will return home, though he may or may not attend that's up to him. I'll go either way, it certainly won't hurt.

As far as paying more attention to my son, interestingly I spoke to my son the other day and we were talking about things and I told him I was still resentful about how he was treated when he lived with us (when he was in high school-he's been out since age 20) as compared to us now totally supporting the others in adulthood for so long. DS told me "don't worry about that Mom, it's in the past, I don't even care anymore, life is too short. SDad isn't a bad guy & look at all the times he fixed my car etc.. You two need to be together without any of us kids living off you."

If only they all felt that way.

Intersting anology the triage situation. Yes, my depression and anxity is being treated. I feel my depression to the situation is appropriate, and I am most certainly not suicidal or anything. My anxiety however is increasing tenfold , I am addressing it and started some meds which seem to help somewhat.

Yes there has been a lot of damage to our relationship, a lot. Hopefully we can save it, and hopefully DH will want to also. I'm still feeling disconnected from him I think it is worse because he is just gone all the time, I'm very lonely here and you can't work on a marriage when your partner isn't there.

Thank you all for all the support, it is good we have this place to talk & vent.

Just to add, I really need to stress I do love my SS's very much. Just seeing them make these poor financial and life decisions which not only effects them but effects our daly lives and financial future is what makes me feel the way I do.

DH gt home day before yesterday..I worked 3 days this week, with pain but tolerable with pain meds so maybe I will be one of the fortunate few that my knee will get better without surgery. I go for re-check 9-8 (fingers crossed for no surgery)if I do have to have it I am going to have it out of state ner my parents so I can recoup in quiet this time.
.
Anyway last night DH & I are in bed ready to go to sleep and DH goes into the this long story abut how his friends kid got his 3rd DUI and is moving back in with him so he can get a job walking or bike riding distance etc...I'm like why are you telling me this? He said that SS29 wanted to rent the friends house instead of a apt. I said ok, sounds good whatever..then DH says "But..." (get ready, here it comes)..."It probably won't be ready til Jan 09."

Yup. Now my reaction was simple, I said "Look, I am not up for this. I want these kids to move out and for us to live as a couple, period. So what is the bottom line? Are you telling me that SS's won't be moving out til Jan now?" DH said " Well no, I don't know what's going on yet I'll find out more when I talk to my friend." (Which in DH speak means yes they will not be moving the 1st of OCt). I just said, "Well, I would love for the kids to visit and then leave but I do not want to continue living with them. So you need to decide whether or not you are able to take care of our Lab as if you cannot take her with you to your jobs I will be taking her with me on my assignment." DH said I won't be gone all winter! I just told him that's what he said last yr & I need to know if I'll be traveling with 2 dogs vs. 1.

He dos not want me to take a travel job (keep the home fires burning for some reason?), but I am so over it. I love him but I am ready to fly the coop!! It's like I can't believe it when he KNOWS how I feel, yet he continues to make excuses for them to stay longer and longer. There are plenty of house rentals here is SS's would prefer a house rather than a apt..

The end result was I took a ambien to sleep but was upset & still couldn't and now have a migraine-UGH! Why oh why does my DH refuse to let the kids be adults? Really, I totally believe it is more him than them.

Sorry, just another vent..

I really, really want to approach him about counseling during his few days home but am afraid he is just going to blow up as he is really over-tired, sick with a cold and bad back pain. I wish I could find the right time or just a private moment to do so. I have not slept well the past 48 hours and the SS's are here we have zero privacy..

I have to admit I am afraid to even approach him about it.

I have 2 potential assignments, so that is a good thing. I am looking forward to having some privacy and quiet where I can clear my head.

Nothing to add to the advice above except get the nose ring and tell him you'll take it out when the kids are gone.

Lol Jessy, thank's I needed a smile tonight..I just might do that!!

Finaly asked D today if he would be interested in attending couples counseling today. His reply, "Are you sure you can handle it?" I thought to myself (No, not really but...) He kind of joked it off said "What for?" I said "So we can learn to communicate better." he said jokingly I just needed to learn to listen more..

Anyway it wasn't a completely negative response in that I think he will go if I make the appointment. I do think it will be a very painful experience for us both. I want more of a partnership and equal say in the marriage & I do not think he wants that (but I could be wrong).

This weekend he committed us to babysitting g-son Fri & Sat without asking me first, so that pretty much blew any alone time together. I am very disgusted with the living situation and he gets very defensive when I press for a move out date for the kids.

It is just so painful for me to have my entire life revolve around his grown children and he never asks me how my son is doing-ever. He seems retty disinterested in making efforts for us to live as a couple and that may be because I am talking more about making plans for my travel job & still trying to find assignment.

I feel resentful that the kids live here with no time limit and we cannot just be a couple for so many years now. I am sure he feels resentful that I want his kids to get out on their own. So we have LOTs of issues to work through. I'm not sure I'm ready for it after all this time, honestly. But I suppose I owe the marriage and DH to at least give it a try. I'm not sure he feels the same at all and I'm not sure it's do-able with the kids living here and so much interference. I love him terribly, adore him. But at times think he & I do not want the same things from our marriage.

I hope our marriage is salvadgeable, but really would like to live elsewhere until he gets these grown kids out on their own. Had a great time with G-son this weekend, but again I don't want this every weekend and I have begged DH to spend alone time with me for so many years that I've finally given up.

I wonder if we could work this out for the better seperated rather than living together. That way if I left he would not feel pressured to ave the kids move out. And I would not feel as though my daily life revolves around them and their needs-thus feeling resentful...

"Finaly asked D today if he would be interested in attending couples counseling today. His reply, "Are you sure you can handle it?" "

Why so tentative a request?

Between this and your other posts about everyone else controlling your life (Skids, Grandkids, Hubby), it sounds to me like you could really use some assertiveness training. How YOU want your marriage to be has every bit as much weight as how HE wants your marriage to be. And what his adult kids want should be way down the list! (From the tone of your post, it sounds kind of like Hubby is planning to blame you for the marital problems and you're mentally preparing yourself to accept that blame.)

You've said you want an equal say in the marriage --
Fair enough.
But are you clear and forthright about what your "equal say" is?
Or do you always 'go along' or defer to other people's wishes?
Lots of women do, and when that happens, we can quietly build up a whole stack of resentments...
Or we train our men to ignore our wants because they're simply not used to taking them into consideration.
Or we're so tentative and veiled in voicing our opinions that most men don't even 'get it'.

I don't know if that shoe fits --
But if it does, some extra work on your part can really improve your quality of life.

Sweeby,
I think you hit the nail on the head here in a number of areas.

Yes, I do defer a lot to keep the peace.
However I have not deferred over the kids living here.
I even told my own son he had to go when he wouldn't follow
the simple rules.

Basically I have stuck to my guns over this issue but DH said to me just last night that I would never find a travel job that I could take my little dog and 2 cats. I told him of course I would nurses do that all the time!

Yes, I do have a stack of resentments built up over what I posted above. I certainly haven't deferred to the kids living here or being a built in babysitter when I would have loved to gone and done something with DH this weekend and he knew this.

I have been asking him to do things together for a very long time now but whatever these grown kids want to do on the weekends comes first before our needs as a couple. My SS literally spent about 1 hour out of the whole weekend with his son, we had him the rest of the time.

Now next weekend DH will be out of town again, so much for that idea. I told him I was disappointed but he already told SS he would babysit before even discussing with me.

But yes, I do defer to lots of other things, I think mostly because I got sick of always being the b*$#h, you know?

I think DH thinks because he is such a good provider I will put up with anything, but I am able to support myself and live within my means.

I know I have codependant issues, as I am an adult child of deceased alcoholic and I am really working hard at not being so co-dependant. I was much more independant when DH and I met however I feel worn down now. It's just been constant chaos for 8 years now. I think I just gave up on what I want out of this. I am so afraid of missing him, but I already have for so long.

If I feel very strongly about what I want or don't want I find DH gets very defensive and or loud and then can think of things I or my son did 6 yr.s ago, then the conversation gets totally turned around, off track and I just give up.

I hope I can find a good counselor so we can at least get a few sessions in before the snow flies. And so we can learn to cmmunicate more effectively. He really is a good guy, just he is very old school and set in his ways. I think I do have some fear if I really assert myself that things will go downhill very quickly but then again I am not happy with things as they are something or someone must change I guess that would be me.

Why should it be you? Sounds like it has been you all along and now you're not happy. Let it be your DH for a change!

Not to be too cruel, but do you think your husband is actually that worried about losing you? He's got his job and his kids to keep him company, you are just an "accessory", it's nice to have you around but he will never make any real changes in his life to accomodate you, he will just "game" you until you get tired and give in or give up and just live with it. Communicating better won't make any difference, he's in the drivers seat, the only thing you can really do is get off the bus.

Trust me, I know of what I speak, I'm finally leaving a marriage where I came about 5th on the list after her job, relatives, friends, and hobbies....and I was expected to totally support her in the first 4 areas, ahead of any of my own interests.

And regarding "missing him", ask yourself if you would really miss the man he is now, are you just nostalgic about the man he used to be (but will never be again), or are you just fantasizing about the man you think he could be (and which he never really will be)?

The book "Codependent no more" has a wonderful little section, that basically says "considering the number of months/years and the effort you have already put into "fixing him", don't you think he'd be fixed by now? Do you really think another month/year of effort will fix him?" The answer, of course, is no, there is nothing you can do to "fix him", only he can fix himself, and if he's happy with the way things are, you are just deluding yourself that anything you do will make a difference in his outlook.

Part of our codependent illness is that we think we can fix everybody around us with "just a little more work" or "better communicating" or "after X happens things will be better". They are all lies we tell ourselves to keep us from moving on to better things.

But you have developed a really thick skin for the daily abuse and neglect you get, so I think being away on a job for a while will really open your eyes about how badly you are treated. One of the real eye openers for me was being away with a friend on a stress free vacation, and when I came back, plunging into the "normal" stress and chaos of my married life really shook me up.

All the best to you, I hope you find a way out to an emotionally healthy life.

So when Hubby volunteers to babysit -- let him babysit.
Or more accurately, let HIM babysit.
Go shopping, go to lunch with a girlfriend, go to the library, go for a walk --

"but DH said to me just last night that I would never find a travel job that I could take my little dog and 2 cats. " and
"I think DH thinks because he is such a good provider I will put up with anything"

Translation: "You can't leave me, so don't act like you have so much leverage."
(I hope I'm wrong about that, but when confronted with the possibility of losing their wives, many men react by trying to make her UNABLE to leave rather than trying to make her NOT WANT to leave. Stupid, stupid, stupid - but not uncommon.)

"But yes, I do defer to lots of other things, I think mostly because I got sick of always being the b*$#h, you know?"

Sure - I get it. But there's a whole lot of territory between doormat and b!tc#. And a simple but clear "I'm not available (to babysit) on Saturday" or "I'd really like to go to a place that serves good Italian food" is a far cry from b!tc#.

"I do have some fear if I really assert myself that things will go downhill very quickly but then again I am not happy with things as they are something or someone must change I guess that would be me."

You might want to start counseling without him first, because it sounds like you're already preparing yourself to accept all of the responsibility and do all of the changing. Your wants and needs are important! Don't be so quick to give up on them --

Thank you all for repsonding, I'm reading posts over now. I just got back and WILL be having knee surgery the 1st week of Oct. I'm very bummed as I really thought it was improving but not. I was unaware but my knee has got arthritis,debris and shredded cartilage inside it-blah.

This put's off my travel job til mid Dec. Darn. I think I will take Sweebys adivice & go to counseling on my own 1st. It is strange the tone in which he said to me "Are you sure YOU can HANDLE it." emphasizing those two words.
Though perhaps I am reading to much into how he says things-but I don't think so..

Anyway, I have to go to work this afternoon & hopefully cram as many days as possible into the next 3 weeks so I can cover my bills while I'm off.

I am going back & forth about the surgery. I could wait and not do it for a few months it is not emergent or anything but it will not get better without it-period. It's a matter of how much pain can I tolerate on a daily basis for how long. A lot but I am taking as much pain medicine as I am willing too now. I will not take anymore or higher doses, for me that's just not an option as addicition runs in my family tree and I do not want to risk that.

Oh boy, I am just not looking forward to another 3-4 sentence served at home without working. Doc says he normally doesn't encourage people to have surgey so soon but feels this will really help me with my pain and put off a knee replacement for 10-15 years. DH is supportive and says he will come home from the job to drive me home from surgery.

I'm on the fence. We'll see how I feel after this week. I'm not sure I'm willing to do "the time" afterwards. More later I gotta go to work!

Thank you everyone for your well thought repsonses. I have a lot to think about..Talk to you tonight when I get home..

~Cat

I'm curious about the home you live it. Did your DH and his kids living there before the two of you married? IF so, he and they may think of this as you moving into their home and kick them out. That puts you in a weaker position in their eyes.

On the other hand, if this is a home that you and your DH bought together, then this is more your home and you are in a stronger position.

In any case, if your DH is unwilling to considering your wishes and needs, to get the adult kids out on their own, and to plan to do things with you as his wife and wihtout the kids ... frankly, I'd be seeing a lawyer.

Yes my DH bought the home when he divorced from his EX quite a few years before we met. It was a "guy" house when we got married.

Two of his kids were still in high school and myDS went to high school here where we are. We have not purchased a home together as we were wating for the kids to be out on their own-Ha! So we could get our place together. But we cannot afford it at this point and can't sell this place related to poor housing market.

I don't feel like this has ever been my home equally, even after 8 years together.

We were almost going to get a house together recently, but because of the situation with the adult kids not moving out or saving their money to move like they said I nixxed the deal on the home as I was afraid we were going to get stuck with 2 mortgage payments. It would have had to be in my name only for tax reasons. I just can't deal with that stress right now.

We were going to rent our current place to them. But SS29 has had his home foreclosed on & a car reposessed 2 yr.s ago, so I was uncomfortable going through with it. I can't tell you the thousands & thousands of dollars DH spent bailing SS out of financial jams over the past 5 years, to the point of putting us behind on our bills many times. He can't say no to them.

I don't think our relationship/or I could withstand that stress. Plus I'm afraid they would just move into where ever we moved and I know DH would let them irregardless of what I said. I think the marriage is too shaky to buy real estate together for some time. And if we do seperate, I will most likely move out of state.

~Cat

I am seriously considering putting off this surgery for 3-4 months.

I do not think I can deal with another surgical recovery with the current situation here. Last year I was just a wreck trying to recover from 2 surgeries in 3 weeks with everyone here and all the noise and chaos. Don't think I can do that again and keep my sanity. I have decided to get a second opinion, just to see, even though I know I have one of the best ortho docs in the US. Still it can't hurt, right.

The more I think about it, the less I want to do it. I think I can deal with it another 6 months to a year. I do not want to put off the travel job for that long.

Anyway, it is time for sleep and think more about it after a good nights sleep. Thank you all for your very insightful comments and advice. I so appreciate the support!

~Cat

"I am seriously considering putting off this surgery for 3-4 months.
I do not think I can deal with another surgical recovery with the current situation here. "

Are you on Hubby's health insurance?
Will you be able to afford surgery and recovery time if you and Hubby separate?

Not nice, I know, but important things to consider...

No, I am cobra-ing my ins from my former employer I have 11 months left on this before I have to find health ins. DH is self employed no health plan.

No, I probably would not be able to afford recovery time on my own. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I just don't know if I can deal with it all right now. I'm surgeried out.

I could probably remain on my meds and just wait it out another 6 months to a yr til it becomes something I must address in order to function. Right now I am able to work my whole shift on it, then I come home and ice it a hour before I go to sleep.

I know what your saying Sweeby, I do. My mother said the same thing & is upset that I want to wait but again this isn't a emergency thing.

Hmm, they just came out with this huge study yesterday on the exact same surgery I am scheduled for saying it is basically no more effective the physical therapy & pain meds after 2 yr.s

I'm cancelling my surgery and going to wait it out til it's time for the knee replacement. Interesting timing of study release it's on Reuters..I think my gut is right even though it wasn't for those reasons.

DH asked me last night if I heard anything from the travel agency which kind of hurt me that maybe he is looking forward to me leaving. It makes no sense what I'm feeling. Again he said his friends house wouldn't be available for SS's to rent til after January. I had no reply, I mean what is there left to say?

~Cat

I did postpone my surgery. Even though DH will most likely be in town and offered to drive me home and be there day of surgery. I just couldn't emotionally deal with recovery from surgery with a houseful for the weekend.

I will see about having it down down south in between travel assignments. I feel relieved (though I still have the pain)to not have to deal with this right now.

SS29 is helping DH with a job today. Things have been very cold between SS& I since I asked him about his car payment & declined to babysit the other day.

I'm not worried about that he will have to get over it as the shopping bags and boxes from Cabelas are piled up in the garage so I'm not feeling guilty for saying something. Though it would not surprise me if he mentioned to DH that I said something negative to him & I get confronted about it from DH.

Dh saw a commercial for a movie opening on Thanksgiving last night and we both said "Oh that looks good!" Then DH said to me "But you won't be here on TG." I said "Hopefully not, hopefully I will be on travel assignment and you can come see me!" He just dropped it then. Speaking of which I need to get going & call these travel co.s back, so more later, just wanted to give you a quickie update even though it's not much..

~Cat

I was married for fourteen years and my husband left me without even a goodbye took my beautiful dogs my truck and left me to all the problems I could have either dropped to my knees but instead I started my own business but it was not without heartache and alot of tears for a marriage I thought would last forever.

I'm sorry Organic,

I think that losing your pets would make it even more traumatic. How are you doing now? Ad how long has it been?

~Cat