Are you sure the problem isn't closer to home than you think? Isn't 'your' husband in the military. How did your BIL meet this OW? Gosh both you and your sister must really love gardening and dogs. Nice that you have the same hobbies and priorities. There are reasons to stay with someone, but a nice landscaped yard isn't on my personal top priority list and I think dogs can move to different homes. There's obviously something wrong with the guy's testoterone levels, hormones, or whatever (heck, I'm not a guy I don't know how this stuff works). If he's unwilling to use Viagra for his wife, but ok with using it for others, I really can't see why she would want to put up with that cr&p. If his sex drive is that bad, I'm not sure he can really know if his lack of desire for his wife is real... Is it due to a medical problem or really her personally? I still wouldn't put up with the straying part. It's bad enough to have a husband that strays or one that can't perform... but if you put them both together and add to it the fact that he doesn't seem to care to want to fix anything... Well, I'm just not seeing a happy ending here... nice landscaping or not. So hope your sister or whoever can learn to live in non sexual friendship type relationship because that seems like the only thing she'll consider. Funny, but maybe if she actually put her foot down, he would have a little more respect for her and wouldn't be treating her this way. If you think you're a washcloth, people often treat you as such.

What a terribly sad post. First, because there's a good possibilty that your husband has health issues that should have been addressed many years ago--but neither of you cared enough to see that he got diagnosed and treated. Second, because your children have been raised in a househoold where there was no love. They haven't seen or learned what it means to be a loving partner in a relationship. Just because they've never seen you fight, does NOT mean they're unscarred by the situation. We learn how to treat our spouses by how we see our parents interact. They're going to have a tough go of it in their own marriages, I fear. I know at this point, you're looking out for yourself and your future, but if you have any feelings at all for the man you married, concieved children with and have lived with all these years, do one last thing for him. Drag him or drug him (only kidding about that last) but GET HIM TO A UROLOGIST for a complete, thorough check up and go into the appt. with him, and tell the dr. that hubs has had no sex drive for the past however many years. It's the least you can do for him. Otherwise, I wouldn't be too worried about the kids--they're not stupid, they know your marriage has been a sham and that neither of you are particularly happy. They'll probably be glad you're both looking to making yourselves a better life for the future. Kids usually know a lot more about our marriages than we give them credit for--trust that if they love you, they'll want you to be happy. No one else's opinion really matters, does it? But if you do tell your relatives what you've told us here, and they lose respect for you--it will most likely be for the fact that you've both put up with a terrible situation, and inflicted it upon your children--NOT for seeking to make changes to make your life better. You've definitely got to do something. Just make sure that whatever you do, it's the right choice, because often, we can't go back down the road we've left. Take your time, evaluate your options and your finances very carefully, get good advice (both personal and legal), and only once you've gotten all your ducks in a row, make whatever change you feel is right at this time. As far as the finances go? I do know some divorced couples who continue to share the marital home--each having their own sections (sort of like apts) of it. You and your husband might--given your lack of emotional discord--be able to make that work. It's a bit unorthodox, but definitely a little easier financially, if you could swing it. Good luck.

Boy it took a load off my mind reading other people's posts on this topic. It's a hard one to talk about with any of the 'normal' people you would talk to about things in your life. I realize the original poster is a woman discussing issues with her husband and I'm glad she isn't upset that men are 'hijacking' her post and discussing their own sexless marriages. I met my wife about 8 years ago and started dating just over 7 years ago. We got married in 2004. In my case my wife and I are the exact same age nearly 40 and just had twin boys a year ago; our only children as she had a tubal ligation during the C-section delivery. Our sex life was phenomenal during our first few years and I thought I had met someone with a 'matching sex drive' both for frequency and 'adventurism', although it hadn't been all that great even the last six months before we got married, but it was 'survivable' because while the frequency wasn't much and kept declining to the point of once every few months after we got married, the sex itself was awesome and not just 'orgasmic'. It also seemed that when we started trying to get her pregnant that maybe things were turning around. Not only were we having sex more frequently, but it seemed that we were laughing together more and definitely spending more time together outside the bedroom also. Unfortunately, the last time we had sex or physical intimacy beyond a brief 'closed mouth' kiss and a hug was the day she told me she was pregnant. Nothing since... over a year and a half now. I'm nearly at wit's end as my libido is and always has been very active, and while masturbation can 'take the edge off' it isn't really satisfying and becomes less so after becoming the only sexual stimulation you get. An affair isn't an option as I made a vow and that is more important to me than I can say in words, and would simply add guilt and self-loathing to my misery of not having sex with my wife. I asked her if maybe there was something physical she could ask her doctor about... she didn't talk to me for days. I've suggested counseling a few times and her attitude is that it would be basically worthless, but that if I wanted to go alone I was welcome to...great...thanks. The few times I've tried to 'come on to her' she has treated me like some creepy cousin at a family reunion, and when I try to kiss her and maybe rub her shoulder or back a bit in bed she literally flinches. That got me to the point of changing my bedtime to be well after hers just to avoid the temptation to touch her. We still sleep nude in the same bed so that seemed most prudent...but sad and frustrating. I've tried suggesting 'date nights' which she'll agree to but once it's 'date night' she's always 'too tired' and just wants to sit and watch TV; which I'm very picky about... not controlling the remote doesn't bother me as I would just as soon read as watch almost any TV, but there is stuff I just won't watch and my wife knows it, but she won't do anything else like go to a movie, or even just sit outside and watch the sunset. I know she's not cheating for too many reasons to count, but trust me... here is just one reason... she ain't the type to have sex with unshaven legs, and I don't mean 'stubble'... and she has gone weeks at a time without shaving since the pregnancy started. She really is a great person, a wonderful mother, good with animals and treats almost everyone she meets with respect and kindness... except me. I'm terrified that if our marriage melts to the point I'm miserable all the time I will be forced to get a divorce which in our country means I lose my boys. I'm not sure I can take that honestly. I never thought I would love something or someone so fiercely but I just can't imagine not seeing and playing with my boys every day. So what do I do? It's horrible that the only reason I'm not seriously contemplating divorce is that in our culture and legal system simply due to the fact that I have a penis I would never be given daily custody of my children unless she was simply incapable of caring for them... ala Brittany Spears... and thank God my children do have a mother who absolutely can and does care for them. So I reiterate 'what's a guy to do?' Any suggestions would be very welcome! Peace

cindy pond, Your comment about my doctor discussing it with me made the think back. I've been on the antidepressant since my mid-40's. At that time my doctor told me she figured my sex life was pretty much over with anyway. Now that I think about it, that wasn't a very nice thing to say! I still go to the same dr. office my particular practitioner has changed twice since then. Perhaps I'll talk to my new dr. about this. The thing is, Zoloft has worked very well for me for a long time so I hesitate to mess with that. Also, per my first post I never did have a strong sex drive in the first place. Now that I'm going through menopause I doubt it would make much difference even if I could switch drugs. Part of me wonders then, if I have no sex drive why am I complaining about not having sex? Because even though my husband assures me he loves me, and I believe him, I still feel unloved because of a lack of intimacy. I don't think he really needs intimacy honestly. So then I feel like I would just be making him do it to appease me, and that's no good. If I try to talk to him about this it will only put more pressure on him to again appease me, so I don't say anything. I have asked him a couple of times why we don't have sex anymore and he says "sex isn't everything" and mentions the hormone and drug interactions and says he just doesn't think about it anymore. But then I wonder if that's a lie because of the fact that I accidently caught him masturbating so he MUST think about it. When I think along those lines I think he's just bored with me or with our routine or maybe I just disgust him. But those tables could be turned so I can't be judgemental there. I realize all of you have made suggestions and I am making excuses. I guess this has become my venting place for my frustration because I am afraid to talk to any of my girlfriends about it.