I can't believe the ones criticizing sandy for her observations. I had a friend just like what sandy has described. For some reason (being co-dependant) or other, she didn't leave him. He did just what sandy described one time. Friend and I were in her kitchen getting a meal on the table. The guys were outside and friend's husband nudged my husband and said, "Watch this." Then he proceeded to yell that he wanted an iced tea and friend was to get it for him...pronto. Well, like I say, we were busy and the guys were doing nothing. She literally almost jumped out of her skin to get him a glass of tea. I told her to tell him to come in and get it and she said, "Oh no..I couldn't do that!" My husband was livid and we never went back....but, this was just one example of what I witnessed..which I am sure is the same with sandy...just one nail in a board of nails....she was just giving an example. This friend of mine would say, "If you're going to be a door mat, you're going to get stepped on." But..she was a living example of just that. The friend is a friend...you hate to drop out of their lives because of their poor decision to live with a bum, but that's what I finally did...just dropped out. This upset her very much, but I couldn't just go on watching it...now I don't have to see it. But..maybe sandy is a better friend that I was...I think it "is" her business if she is going to remain friends with this woman...it is right that she offers help.

Chinacat..."it's not the smoke, it's the slacker who's abusing it. the prayer goes 'blessed art thou who has sanctified us by thy commandments, and given us the herb of the fields' by the way... and 'treat your body as a temple' applies just as much to things like white sugar and Pringles as it does to anything else..." You said it. I do know productive members of society who smoke, and I know others who abuse their bodies with food, abuse their minds with television. It's not the guns killing people, it's the people killing people. That said, perhaps that is his one vice? If he works as hard as she says he does, he must need some time to relax. Also, is he a homeowner? I thought it was the OP's house. If it is, then expecting him to contribute and feel equal may be difficult. Have you tried interesting him in exercise? That gives a great natural high. Does he have hobbies you could share? If you're really not interested in being with him because he smokes, yet you knew he smoked, did not ever own a home, etc... prior to getting married, you set yourself up for failure. Don't blame him for your inability to change him. You married a bachelor who has the social and homemaking skills of a college student (no offense to college students!) He doesn't want to grow up. You already have. Invite him to grow up with you, or get out. You deserve more, and your kids deserve more. By the way, don't ever assume kids don't know what's going on. They will find out sooner or later, and you will have to reconcile the "don't do as I do (or DH does) but do as I say" and we know that never works. I'm sorry, but you said to be frank. I mean no judgement. Best of luck to you.

Thank you all for your posts.I'll try to answer all your questions. "if this were your biological son who abused your step daughter, how would you handle the situation??" I would do everything in my power to help him and make any sacrifices that were required of me. But the problem is that my husband is not willing to ignore the rest of his children and focus on helping him.He has alot of anger towards him because of what he did to his other siblings.He doesn't feel comfortable showing the girls affection because he doesn't want them to think he is trying to be sexual...One of the twin boys has also been really affected by the abuse and is really confused as to his "sexuality" he seems to thik he has to act feminine because of it.To top it off,my husband has never had a close relationship with the oldest at all.When his wife left and he was alone raising the 4 children he took on his moms role and was very abusive toeards everyone,including my husband.He blames his xwife and his mother for making him the monster he has become and he just doesn't want to spend the rest of his life dealing with his mental illness.HIs x wife left him because she couldn't she deal with him anymore.although he is too young to be diagnosed,i honestly believe that he is a manic deppressive like his mother.I can only imagine what he will be like a few years from now if he indeed is-because he has so many other issues along with that.The fact that the 2 women who raised him were both selfish,controlling,deceitful,cunning and verbally abusive doesn't do much for his personality either because this is exactly what he is like.I feel for him, i truly do..but i don't want to spend my life trying to undo such horrible parenting.I never would have gotten married had i known that i would have to neglect my own children to help fix this child in the first place.The fact that he also abused my daughter adds the fact that my daughter would probably resent me for the rest of my life for having put her abuser's needs ahead of hers and i don't think anyone would be willing to do that. "Don't you think he deserves a chance to heal and become the best he can be? Why throw the baby out with the bath water? His behavior is a loud cry for help. Someone needs to answer the call." I agree someone does need to answer that call,the problem is that the only person who is willing to take him in and raise him is the grandmother-who thinks he is just misunderstood and spoils him to death.She basically excuzes all his bad behaviors and tries to justify his cruelty to others by saying that he can't help it because of the way his mom raised him.So he is never held accountable-and he plays right into it and pulls on her heart strings every time he is in trouble so that she can bail him out.This little boy lies,steals,beats other kids up,runs out of the classroom in school,yells at the teachers,refuses to bath with soap,thros dirty toilet paper on the floor,breaks whatever he gets a hold of when he is angry,has full blown tantrums that last for hours,is direspectful to adults in general and cruel to animals and she says its normal because he is becoming a teenager...My husband can't stand his mother because of it so it makes co-parenting virtually impossible because she will ignore my husband and do whatever she wants with him.I know that she is not what he needs-but what am i suppose to do?Put everyone elses's needs on the backburner to try and make him the best he can be? Its not fair to the other kids-especially his that have had to live in his shadow all of their lives.Besides i am dealing with alot of guilt since i was spending so much time trying to "help" him,exhausted and streched to my limit-i wasn't emotionally available to the rest of the children when he was abusing them.Maybe if i hadn't been so tied up deling with him all day my daughter would have come to me sooner...or i would have picked up on signs that it was going on.Because thinking back,there were many signs-i was just too drained to put them all together. if you abandon the marriage now, no one will heal from the harm that has been done. I agree with that statement totally,I love my husband and my stepkids but i have stayed in this relationship mostly because i want these children to have some closure from the harm that has been done.I don't think i could live with myself knowing that i just ran away from this situation not to have to "deal" with it.Its important for all of us to get through this,it will teach them a valuable lesson in life.We shouldn't "run away" from things,we should confront them and find a way to overcome them... Are there other relatives around who will take on the responsibility of the SS ? Unfortunetely the only relative availableand willing is the grandmother. My husband would not be willing to move out and stay with him,he has a hard time going to the visits to see him and when he does he usually comes home feeling all mixed up.He says he has conflicted feelings,he loves him because he is his son,but he acts so much like his xwife and his mother-who he can't stand to even speak of,that he feels as if he is just just like them..I think they call it "transference" in other words he sees him and he sees "controlling,abusive,crazy mother and x wife" whom he chose to get out of his life when he realized that their toxic behaviors were making him "physically ill".This is his son-and he is just as toxic as they are.I think he struggles with the fact that he is so much like the two women who have caused im so much pain and misery in his life and nomatter what he does he is destined to have to deal with his toxic son for the rest of his life.Its just all really complicated...Right now i am just focusing on the kids i am raising and helping them heal from the trauma they suffered. There is no way i could focus on his oldest and remain sane.Its just too overwhelming.

I`ve been married for 16yrs. it has been up and down all 16yrs. He always have been controlling, I had a 2yr. when we met and he wouldn`t even let her sit by me. When we got married he didn`t want my mom to help me get dressed. When I had our son he didn`t want her in the room, which I understand that one, everything is my fault. The last 3 yrs have been hell, I cheated on him 3yrs. ago and I crushed him he cried and cried he would get sick, that`s when the worst all started. He had an affair with a girl from our gym for 4 months. After that we got past it and renewed our vows then about 2 months later he started talking to another girl, then that stop. Well Aug. of 2008 he left me for a younger woman saying he was in love with her that she treats him like he always wanted me to treat him that he feels she really loves him. Yes I admit I wasn`t the perfect wife and somethings he says that I didn`t or did do are true about I don`t deserve this do I? He and the girlfriend got a place together in Feb. 09 he said he wants to come on and never does, well he does for 2 nights then goes back to her, he has done this twice now. Last weekend I told him I was moving on and I have a date, he told me not to go and if I did he will never come home, well I didn`t go and he came home and it`s been 3 nights now and he is still here, but when will he leave again, what am I dealing with here? Should I just let go and move on? I`m ready to if he won`t change, I mean he is still taking to the girlfriend. PLEASE HELP.