I am newly married and therefore am new to birth control. I have been on it for almost 4 months. At first, I had pretty bad headaches that I associated with the hormones. The headaches have since gone away and haven't bothered me since. Here's my thing though. I think the birth control has robbed me of all sex drive. If I remember correctly, this is also a side effect of birth control.

Before I married my husband, I was so attracted to him. Everything about him made me hungry for him. Just to touch his hand, just to hug him, just to kiss him. (We never had sex while we dated0, both of us were virgins) I just couldn't stay away from him and would eagerly do anything with him that I could without going all out and having any kind of sex. That was a hard resistence, for sure.

We have been married nearly a month now. I am still very attracted to him, but not nearly as much! I mean, in my mind I still think he is the most gorgeous thing in the world. I am absolutely head over heels for him. I am madly in love with him. But as far as sex goes, I really don't like it. It still hurts at first! The pain goes away after just a few seconds and feels nice after that. I mean, I enjoy sex while its happening. But when we are getting into the mood, I could care less!

I want to be in the mood for my dear husband. And I do somewhat. But I think one of my problems is I am afraid of climaxing. I think that might be it, anyway. I am always thinking in my mind, try to feel good, try to feel good, but it never happens. He ends up finishing and feels horrible when I don't get anywhere.

He cares that I enjoy myself. He has tried doing oral, which I thought was neat, but I was just so nervous, I couldn't enjoy it. So we've given up on that for now. He has tried just being loving and gentle and caring to being fun and sexual and driven.

Nothing seems to work. So I gave myself a little talk. I told myself I was expecting too much out of myself, I needed to just relax and enjoy it. I've tried relaxing and nothing concentrating on anything. Doesn't work.

I still think I am just expecting too much out of myself and that is helping to cause my mood swings. But I also wonder if part of it is the hormones in the birth control. Any ideas? Thanks!

#1 talk to your doctor about your birth control method and change that.

#2. Try sex toys, they may help you to climax.

#3. Try more foreplay, maybe there isn't enough.

#4. Try different positions (yes there are books out there), some women can only climax in certain positions (i.e. on top).

Above all keep lines of communication open with your spouse. Yes I like that, keep doing that. Nope I don't like that. Ouch that hurts, but I kinda like it..that kind of thing.

Vickey-MN

As far as climaxing goes, get some sex toys. Learn how to please yourself. Then you can show your husband what works for you -- or even get the sex toys involved when having sex with him.

The thing is this...if you were raised the way I was "Sex outside of marriage is bad" (and I've seen both sides to that one) but also masturbation is a thing that "good girls" don't do.

For me, I had imagined how it would be...what it would feel like...etc. Then when it happened it was a big let down. Same things...hurting at first...feeling alright, but never getting complete satisfaction.

I later learned (after being with DH) that my biggest problem was that I didn't know what I liked...and I the perception that I was brought up with (particularly about masturbation) put up barriers that stopped me from enjoying sex to my full potential.

You may just need to give yourself permission to let go. To "know thyself" in the most literal way. I was lucky with DH...I certainly wasn't his first, and he gave me quite the education. *blush* If you're both each others first then there's going to be a lack of experience on his part too, making it that much more important that you communicate with him. Try to keep it positive (Mmm...that feels good) as opposed to negative (which might embarass him...) unless there's ever pain/discomfort (in which case, speak up right away), also consider simple directions like faster/slower.

Definately (as Vickey said) try different positions.

Toys are fun, if you're comfortable with that idea...if you have "masturbation is bad" going through your head, you may have a hard time with toys too...before you go out and buy any toys...(though go for that too...if you're ok with it) if you have a tub with a shower head that's on a hose (not mounted on the wall...and if you have the wall type you can get the hose adapter for cheap)...then, (OK...going to get a little graphic here...hope I don't get kicked off...this really is for educational purposes...my sister told me...now I'm telling you) when you're alone and unstressed hop in a nice warm tub and try stimulating yourself with the shower. Start with a very low pressure and adjust pressure and tempature as needed until it feels good. Then just close your eyes relax and enjoy. Try not to think about *anything*. (***a word of caution, incase noone ever told you, don't ever force water internally, it can cause serious damage and/or infection...same reason why you shouldn't have sex in a hot tub/etc.)

The pill could be part of your drop in interest...it could also be the fact that there's pain to start (and that could be caused by if you're anticipating that it's going to be uncomfortable, and you're tensing up, or by lack of foreplay and/or lack of lubrication.)

The "But as far as sex goes, I really don't like it. It still hurts at first! The pain goes away after just a few seconds and feels nice after that. I mean, I enjoy sex while its happening. But when we are getting into the mood, I could care less!" sounds really familiar to me...that's how I felt with my 1st. It's hard to get worked up about something that really doesn't 'do it' for you. Again, back to masturbation, finding out what YOU enjoy, so that you can share that with your DH. Guys seem to have it easier when it comes to climaxing...at least that's how I used to feel...after all...it seems to be pretty straight forward for them. Now my DH is jealous of me...I climax multiple times to his one...so I'm riled up & ready to go almost all the time now. (Actually more than DH is even... :o)

To really WANT sex (to have that "can't keep my hands off you" feeling) you have to get satisfaction from it. That satisfaction will come as you learn what works for you, (and with practice too).

Oh...and to get past that initial pain thing...try investing in some good quality (water based - if you're using condoms) lubrication, and try being the one in control (from whatever position) when you're starting out...if he's on top just hold onto his hips and start/stop/reverse until you're comfortable.

Good luck. :-)
Verena (I used to be really shy about this sort of thing...but a good sex life is important in a healthy marriage...so talk about it!! :-)

My advice is not to worry about it so much. Don't try so hard. Heavens! So much is new right now. You are living with a guy! Did you do that before? I didn't think so. Just go with it and enjoy anything and everything you can. You are not going to go to the moon EVERY SINGLE TIME you have sex. But, Girl! You are married. You are going to be having sex! Sometimes it may just be comfortable. Enjoy. Sometimes it may be abrupt and quick. Enjoy. Sometimes it may be poetic and thoughtful and slow....enjoy. But try not to push it. And for heaven's sake, don't worry about how you are doin'! Ask him, if you must. "Am I o.k.? Would you like something I'm not doing? Would you show me?" But otherwise...just get to know each other...in more ways than the one! Do things together. Listen to music. Do chores. Go shopping. Build a lot of bridges so it's not just one little thread that holds you together.

There is nothing like your hubbie, in the kitchen making a lovely dinner for you...thats the start of it all.

In my situation...if that happens it would be a real turn-on!

LOL, laugh and enjoy.

Remember what anticipation and your imagination did for you before you were married? That's the opposite of what your "thinking brain" is doing to you now. Now, you're thinking about it and worried about it, and anticipating a let-down, not an incredible loving experience. Your brain is getting in the way of your body, and your body is still inexperienced and learning. Talking to your doctor about switching methods of birth control is a good step, but above that, don't think about "the problem" so much. Thinking about it will magnify it, not solve it.

Next time you and your husband have the right opportunity, try putting on some romantic music, light a few candles, then turn your brain off. Talk with your husband about pleasant, lightweight things until any worries in the back of your head are gone. While you're talking, enjoy looking at your husband, and appreciate all of the attractive qualities he has that make you tingle. You want to re-build the emotional intimacy before even starting on the physical intimacy. Once you're both relaxed, concentrate on your feelings -- the texture of his skin, the sensations on yours. Take what's feeling good to you and really experience that. Feel, rather than think about, the experience, and let your body, not your brain, guide you. It may also help to tune some of your senses out (listening to the music, visualizing colors or textures) and some of your senses in (his touch, smell of his skin).

But above all, don't involve the thinking, rational part of your brain past the part where you decide "yes".