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What do you think of this?

Posted by n_cynth (My Page) on
Sun, Jul 29, 07 at 6:28

I posted a lil while back about the sexless marriage I'm in. I didn't mention something there: When we came to America as newlyweds (with zero passion from my husband's side), I was introduced to all his friends and I liked them. However, this girl gave me a different feeling always - he seemed more attentive to her, though she put me down in subtle ways he said he didn't notice she did that ... other incidents:

When we ran out of groceries he was unwilling to drive down 10 mins to the supermarket (he was tired) and just then when she called, he put me in the car with him and drove 50 minutes to see her - on a weeknight - saying she must be feeling lonely.

He invited her home one weeknight without consulting me, then pretended to ask me if that was OK, then came out clean that he'd already invited her, and even though I hadn't stepped out of the house for 15 days, he wanted to go to pick her up - alone. I told him to wait as I'd just finished making dinner, I'd be ready, we'd go together, and that was the last time he'd be inviting her home.

She would walk into our house and know exactly where things were - I don't mind friends coming over and making mugs of tea for everyone, but somehow this woman seemed more than just that, and that too when she was visiting us the first time after I got married.

As I've mentioned in the other post, he wasn't interested in sex from the start ... neither did he take me out to interesting places in my initial days here (I wasn't working then), though when he called me in India before our marriage, he'd always be out with this woman - at some concert or walking along the beach in the night etc.

He's always maintained that they're just good friends ... but what do you think after reading this? Was I too harsh on him when I told him not to invite the woman home anymore?


Follow-Up Postings:

RE: What do you think of this?

There's a saying, "Keep your friends close; keep your enemies closer".

I think you know that this woman and your husband were more than friends before you and he married. Is she from a culture different than yours and would she be considered an unsuitable match for him?

He may deny it but his actions speak louder than words.

I wouldn't want her in my house either, but you can watch their interaction with each other if they are in your presence.

What did he say when you told him she wasn't welcome in your home anymore? Has she still been asking him to help her out? And does he still come to her rescue?

I think I might be inclined to include her for informal group get togethers but never as a single guest. And the invitation would have to be initiated by me, not my husband.

I would watch them very carefully. And I would take interest if his work schedule changes so he has to be away from home at different hours.
I have a feeling that there is a spark that is still burning between the 2 of them and if left untended could turn into a roaring fire.

RE: What do you think of this?

Thanks Monablair for your reply. In fact all this happened 5 years ago, when we were newly married. Before marriage, I suspected he and she were more than just friends but I was away in India and they were in the US, so all I could do was ask him about it, and he always maintained that they were just close friends, nothing more, nothing less. I remember one day he was praising her (this was after we got engaged and he was calling me from the US) on the phone and I asked him if they got along so well, why didn't he want to marry her? To which he replied "She's taller than me!" - which is the truth ... and I told him this was no time to be flippant about something like this. But he said he was just being 'humorous'. If he really wanted to marry her, I doubt his family would have had a say in it, they've been pretty open and accepting about things with their son.

He used to get defensive when I told him I was uncomfortable with what was happening. Finally I told his brother-in-law to talk to him and explain why I was so upset. He got mad at me 'cause I told the BIL ... but promised BIL that he would never meet the girl again. I know this was an extreme step but I didn't tell BIL to say that to him. Anyway, later I found that he'd started sitting in the restroom for longer than was required, sometimes I heard murmurs and typing text messages on the cellphone. I asked him what was going on, was he still in touch with her, and he said no. He was lying.

Any change in office hours would have been most difficult to determine 'cause he leaves for work at 6 AM and returns by 8-9 PM.

Madame 'S' hasn't visited us after that incident and once she called our landline after we changed residence (don't know how she got the new landline no.) - and I told her to stay away from us.

I wouldn't blame her, I liked her initially. But I hated the way they behaved when they were together. I hated husband's defensiveness. And there was no closeness to start with in our relationship, these incidents only made it worse. We're still suffering as a result of that.

Thank you again,

RE: What do you think of this?

I've been thinking about your situation off and on all day, and it's made me very sad. Here you've put so much on the line, risked everything, moved half-way around the world -- and yet you seem to have gotten so very little in return.

Clearly, your husband hasn't given you the love and marital intimacy you were hoping for and have a right to expect from marriage. And in my opinion, you have a right to ask for much more -- and to leave the marriage if you can't get it. Or, you could stay in this marriage and give it all of your youthful years, possibly bringing in children. Then still face the prospect of an empty, unrewarding marriage or becoming a single mother. Better to resolve things now, one way or the other.

Let me ask you this -- Do you believe your husband is a truly good person? Someone you like, admire and respect? Imagine for a minute that if, for whatever reason, you were to divorce him tomorrow -- and in a year, your younger sister or closest girl friend said she thought she might like to marry him someday. Aside from the awkwardness, could you imagine honestly saying to her "Yes, he is a good man. It didn't work out between him and me, but he's a good man and could make you very happy." Is that possible? Or would you think "This is terrible. He's so ____ (selfish or dishonest or lazy or whatever) that she'll never be happy." It's sometimes easier to imagine things for someone else that it is to see them clearly for ourselves... If you can honestly recommend him to someone else, then that tells you there's something good in him, something worth trying to save.

If you know that deep in his heart, he's truly a good person and worth the effort, then I think a good, hard, honest shop at therapy is called for. Ask him if he is willing to do that to try to build a good marriage with you. Tell him you will accept no less from him than a 100% effort which includes getting rid of his 'Plan B girl' altogether. And try to find the emotional strength to give it your 100% effort also. (I know how hard that can be after years of unhappiness -- I waited too long to get help in my first marriage, and didn't have any more to give when my Ex was finally ready to make an effort himself.)

If you know in your heart that he's not the kind of person you can respect, like and admire, then cut your losses now. Move on while you are still young and before you have any children. Give yourself permission to try over with someone new and have a real shot at happiness. It IS out there if you refuse to settle for the emptiness.

RE: What do you think of this?

Not to sound too harsh, but either explain to him clearly what you want in a realtionship and see if he gets it or get out now before you have children. You sound like a nice person and you sure deserve the best.

RE: What do you think of this?

I dont understand why he married you in the first place, if he had feelings for another woman.

Is he Indian, as well ?

Sweeby has some good points.

RE: What do you think of this?

Thanks everyone. He's Indian. It's difficult when the families are in India and have no idea what the guy is up to in some other country, and the 'good boy' his parents see, is not the complete truth as I know now.

I've been asking him the same question over and over again for the past five years -Why did you marry me? And he says Because I love you! Which isn't true, you can't fall in love with a stranger after talking to him/her for 2 mins. I hate the concept of arranged marriages, especially when one/both of the parties isn't asked for their opinion. In my case, I don't really feel like going on vacation to India to meet my parents, yes I do blame them for what is happening - though I've tried to work things out, things don't seem very promising.

As a person, as a friend, he's good. Supportive, caring and all the other things a best friend would be. But it's like he doesn't think sex is important for the health of a relationship. And I've noticed that I'm the only one who brings up the topic everytime, so I stopped it.

Right after we got married, he told me that his career came first, his family second, and then me. I was really shocked but thought Oh ok, he's ambitious and maybe didn't mean to hurt me by saying that. And as the years went by, I realised that's the truth. He, his parents, sisters expect everything from me in return for nothing, and I told him it's impossible to keep everyone happy all the time but he doesn't understand.

I know I need to get out of this relationship and move on and yet I don't know what is holding me back. I am not interested in going for counselling - I'm emotionally dead and have been for more than 4 years. There have been times I couldn't bear the sight of him. If he touched me accidentally when sleeping I'd feel like slapping him - but I'd tell him not to touch me.

Another thing, he said to me once 'If we decide to have a baby, I'll make love to you every night'. That enraged me. He also thinks I shouldn't talk to close friends about our problems. I had nobody to talk to and would've gone mad if I hadn't confided in a friend, and when I told her about the baby thing, she asked him if it was true and he just denied ever saying that! He has lied to me about a lot of things, he doesn't realise what an impact lying has on an already fragile relationship, he gets caught all the time and still does it.

It seems to me that his entire family believes in creating a 'happy and loving' smokescreen to show the world. When we got married, he went on a crash diet and lost some weight 'cause he didn't want to look fat standing next to me. After the wedding, he let go - he now carries 94kg on a 5'6" frame! It seems like only appearances matter until things are important, and then why bother about stuff? That's the way he's been about our marriage - it's done now, why put in an effort to keep it alive?

I try to be happy but it gets old after some time. You can't be happy when you know you really aren't within.

I don't get to talk to anybody about this. I'm sorry if I'm dragging everyone down with me. Thank you for listening.

PS: There's not going to be any children with this man, it's been a sexless marriage, I'm not about to let him touch me when he wants to and ignore me when I want it!


RE: What do you think of this?

It sounds to me like you have found your answer -- But also like you're not quite ready to admit it to yourself and take action.

You say on the one hand that "As a person, as a friend, he's good. Supportive, caring and all the other things a best friend would be." This sounds fine, until you get to the rest -- then it's clear you're just trying to convince yourself:
"But it's like he doesn't think sex is important for the health of a relationship."
"the 'good boy' his parents see, is not the complete truth as I know now."
"Right after we got married, he told me that his career came first, his family second, and then me."
"There have been times I couldn't bear the sight of him. If he touched me accidentally when sleeping I'd feel like slapping him"

It IS hard to leave a marriage. In a way, it's admitting to yourself, and to the rest of the world that you've failed at something important. I think it's even harder when there's nothing dramatic to hang your hat on. He didn't leave you for another woman. He doesn't beat you. He doesn't drink or take illegal drugs. There's really no good explanation you can give to yourself, your family and friends as to why this marriage is so awful. (But it is -- I've been there.) All he does is belittle and ignore you, diminishing you a tiny bit at a time, day by day, year after year.

Do you need counseling? No - You seem to be pretty clear about what's going on and how you feel about it. But, I think counseling could be WONDERFUL for you! Why? It will help you put your feelings into words -- all of the hurt and rage -- and after words, to put your feelings into actions. It'll help you to know that your feelings are justified, and that his actions, while seemingly 'small,' have been cruel and aren't something that should be tolerated. It'll help you walk away healthy and strong, with your head held high, and knowing you did the right thing.

RE: What do you think of this?

Sweeby, I'm typing through tears ... your words are so true! Yes, it's hard to leave a marriage. I'm trying to minimize what's happening because it pales in comparison to what really bad marriages can be like. But I realise it's not about comparing my marriage with 'bad' marriages, it's about my happiness now. Up until now I thought I was wrong in feeling hurt and enraged by his behaviour - this must be because he does other things that are nice (flowers, lil treats, patting my head like you would a dog or cat's while walking by ...) - but these things seem nice to me only because I'm not getting any affection, so these tiny things matter, and everytime he does nice things I feel a bit ashamed that I'm behaving this way. Oh how stupid I've been!

After reading your reply I think I'll go for counselling, I do need to put my feelings into actions. To me, my feelings are justified. I also know that no person outside a relationship would really know what goes on in it. You know it, you've been there. (((((Sweeby)))))

I'm feeling a lot better today. He's out for a couple of days on work (I've long since stopped wondering if it's really work or something else), I might just go out with friends (girls ONLY !!) and have a blast!

Thank you, thank you, thank you again, so very much!


RE: What do you think of this?

Glad I could help --- Really, your marriage sounds so much like my first one that it brought tears to my eyes as well. Your description of him 'patting your head like a dog or cat's' is part hilarious, part hurtful, part infuriating! But really, it's the perfect illustration of your relationship --- at least until you tell him it's over. When his 'perfect smokescreen' starts to fall over, you may actually get his attention...

Definitely, have a great girls' night out -- Then start gathering your ammunition and begin the repair work to your sole. There IS happiness out there.

RE: What do you think of this?

Dear Cynthia,
My heart goes out to you! I don't know what is permissable in your culture, but here in America, women are seeking some autonomy over their own lives and happiness. Divorce is not always a bad thing. You will get flack from your families, but they had a chance to live their lives, you must have a chance to live yours. Life is very short and a woman's youth is even shorter. Don't wake up someday and find you are old and wasted precious time.

Isn't this forum wonderful? We can freely say things we could not divulge to our friends, families and even our mates. And in most cases, there is a lot of wisdom here and even the benefit of lots of different viewpoints. I'm very grateful for the Marriage Forum and the people on it.

RE: What do you think of this?


Hugs to you, dear girl.

I think you are in a good position for two reasons.

You have made your decision and know what you must do, this is often a very difficult place to get to sometimes.

And, you are in the United States. I think your opportunity to start a new life, will be easier for you in that country, because lots of people do it. I would assume in India it might be a bit more tricky to walk away from a marriage, especially an arranged one.

I wish you all the best.

You are amongst friends, here.


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