Not sure why this is in the "Marriage" forum, as it's not really about your marriage, but anyway.
IMO you have some justified complaints and some not, and some issues that could have been handled way better.
Who cares whether your Mom made a good/bad decision to move? It's disappointing she seemed more excited about that than about your impending marriage, but then you knew you aren't high on her priority list. So, just blow it off as more of the same way it's always been.
Paying for the rehearsal dinner? Your fiancee (note spelling for female person) should never have got into any sort of discussion let alone fight with your mother regarding this. Demanding that someone host an event for you, whether you think it's traditional or not, is beyond rude. If your mother had been disinclined to pay, then (as I'm guessing you're supporting yourself and not dependent on your mother) then _you_ and your fiancee should have decided to pay. If your mother felt $2,500 was beyond her means, as the host paying for the dinner, it is her prerogative to have a hotdog cook out in her backyard if she so wishes. If you don't want a guilt trip, short circuit her and pay for it yourself.
Why did you pay for ten people who didn't RSVP? You should have set an RSVP date early enough to change the numbers so that if someone isn't coming then you let the caterer know the adjusted figure. And expecting a gift just because you sent an invitation is rude on your part. No one is ever obligated to give a gift. It would have been nice, but not compulsory. In fact, if I was invited to the wedding of someone I didn't know well (as an acquaintance of their mother) I'd probably just send a card with best wishes if anything, as I'd feel it was more of a fishing expedition for gifts rather than a genuine wish to share a happy day with them.
Yes, it's rude of your cousin to invite himself to stay at your house, unless you already have that sort of relationship (which it sounds like you don't). Just tell him it isn't convenient. No need to go into reasons, or whine that if he can come for football why not your wedding. It will only engender bad feelings.
Even married mothers of four understand and appreciate the concept of "sexy"- how do you think they got to be mothers of four? If your concept of older women is poker-faced ice queens, boy are you in for a rude awakening. I'm not saying they are raunchy sex crazed fiends, but most of us have been around the block a few times and between ourselves have slightly franker conversations than we might with our children. Was your MIL offended?

I am pretty confused - are you the prospective bride or the prospective groom? Just for clarity, when a couple becomes engaged the man is the fiancé and the woman is the fiancée.

I'm also assuming that this is your first wedding, so welcome to wedding hell. Very few couples escape the stress of crazy relatives during this time, it kind of goes with the territory. In fact, the more the relatives - and sometimes friends - are conflicted about themselves and their own roles in life, the more inappropriately they act at your wedding and at the entire planning stage. (There is an entire web site about this called Wedding Etiquette Hell, I recommend you Google it.)

So what can you about this? If elopement is out of the question, you can only do damage control with your mom and try to keep your perspective with your fiance ( or fiancée). In the end, all that matters is that the two of you are joined in matrimony to each other. All the rest is Horse Pocky, let it roll off your back or else tell the offending party right now to behave or disappear, either option will work.

Good luck!

The rule-of-thumb for a wedding is to spend what you can afford.

The whole intent of an invitation is to share this special occasion with the new couple's community of dear friends and relatives. Any gifts the bride and groom might receive are entirely voluntary. There's no cost-benefit ratio to apply.

I do understand and sympathize with your frustration regarding the lack of RSVP's. Sadly, today individual follow-ups are almost imperative.

My suggestion about your mother is to accept who she is without embarrassment or apology. Focus on her good points and ignore the rest. You are not responsible for her actions or others' reactions. Those with grace will ignore anything untoward.

I would also suggest you pay for the rehearsal dinner yourself. Your mother's "gift" of the dinner comes with too much baggage to be worth the savings.

Congrats on the wedding. My daughter got married a year ago now and I know how this can be a stressful time. I told her then and I'll tell you now, don't expect anyone to pay for your wedding. If you can't afford something yourself as far as the wedding, then make different plans. By the way we did pay for most of the wedding.

I know that it is common for the groom's parents to pay for the rehersal dinner or grooms dinner. But I don't believe it needs to be something they can't afford. Perhaps $2500 is just too expensive for your mother? You say you spent $65 for an invitation and they didn't RSVP. I'm assuming you mean the cost of the plate is $65? You will give the caterer the amount of people attending so you should not be out the $65 for these people. Since they didn't reply, you can assume they are not coming. Unfortunately, people are very rude when it comes to RSVPing;

It sounds to me like your mother if feeling left out and rightfully so. It seems clear to me that you plan to exclude her in your new life and if you do let her in, you will be critical of her every move. Cut your mom some slack and put your big boy pants on. Your mother and your future in laws do not owe you a thing.

"mom that is very negative and her whole life was always to appease other people rather than be a mom to me. "

What did you expect ?

Based on what you have said above, can you really expect your mother to act in a reasonable, respectful, sensible way ?

You can save yourself a lot of grief in the future, by lowering you expectations of how she will react.

When you change your reaction and not let it bother you, then it will all be a joy.

Just concentrate on your future with your new wife.

Good luck with it all.

Remember it is YOUR WEDDING, not other peoples.

"It was an absolute battle to get her to agree to host the dinner. Her and my fiance got in a big fight about it ..."

You are two adults getting married. It is an adult decision to get married and an adult responsiblity. Nobody is obligated to pay for a wedding but the participants--for everyone else, it is a choice. Your mother has no obligation to pay for a rehearsal dinner, much less to be subject to a battle with you and a fight with your fiancee.

This post was edited by mary_md7 on Wed, Aug 28, 13 at 16:49