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Husband jealous of career

Posted by jyyanks (My Page) on
Fri, Jun 18, 10 at 22:49

My husband and I have been married 7 years. When we first got married, he was the primary bread winner and I was doing something I love but not making a ton of money. After having my second child, I was ready to quit my job but they offered me the chance to work part time. Although my husband had wanted me to stay home, he recognized that I had an incredible opportunity to make money and still be able to take care of the kids.

At that time, since it was obvious that I was going to continue my career, we decided to take out a loan to renovate our house. After about a year, I got offered a full time job at another company where I they offered me 37% more but I had to work 4 days a week instead of 3. I got promoted within a year and my salary pretty much became double of what it was when I originally went back to work. This allowed us to refinance our home and we actually went from having a 30 year mortgage to a 15 year mortgage.

Another 2 years have gone by and my company has continued to grow. In fact, my division is expanding and I am in a very good position in terms of growth and opportunity. However, I am in the sales and marketing division which means a lot of late nights and travel about 1-2x/per month. I used to only travel occasionally, but my boss is on maternity leave and with the company's expansion, the SVP of my department has looked upon me to take a leadership role within the group.

The issue is my husband. Ever since I started going on more business trips and after work events, he has taken on a severe attitude. I have tried to do the right thing- call often, tell him how much I miss him, call my parents to help out in my absence, take crazy flights to get earlier even if it means I have to fly the red eye, leave after work events so I can get home to him earlier etc etc. He has responded by being rude to me and non communicative. When I finally confronted him about his attitude his exact response was "I am sick and tired of you galavanting all over the place while I have to stay home and pick up the slack." He then proceeded to say he was going to "get a job like mine so he could do whatever he wants"

I am stunned and hurt but most importantly disappointed. This is a real eye opener for me and shows me that he really does not support me. In fact, I believe he is quite jealous of my success and its ugly. I will add that he still makes more than me, so not sure why he is so bitter.

Sorry this is so long but I am upset and just wanted to vent. Thanks for letting me get it all out.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Husband jealous of career

Two kids under seven; an expansive time-taking job with increasing responsibilities that has you traveling and doing after-hours stuff; and the "problem" is your husband? I suspect the sequence you described has been an "eye-opener" for HIM.

Suggest re-thinking this for yourself plus sit-down with hubby wherein you decide together exactly what the new "paradigm" is going to be. Obviously your priorities are not what they were seven years ago. Better get on the same page with this or more bad things are going happen between you. You've described a stereotypical "have it all" woman -- good for you -- except it isn't quite working, is it? Please do look at yourself as well as your husband before you launch. Seems to me you used to be a team and now you're drifting.

Interesting to me that as a mother of two young children, your mention of them was nothing more than a short sentence mentioning the fact of the existence of number two. Everything else is good job/bad husband.

From what you wrote, I read changes needed...and I think some of them will clearly need to be yours.


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RE: Husband jealous of career

I always had a professional demanding job but it never required travel and I was always home in the evening for my child. I am not sure how you could manage raising two young children never being there. Unless someone else is raising them?

I think you made career decisions without sitting down with your husband discussing pros and cons, and most importantly did you discuss how is it going to effect your children? I agree with asolo you barely mention them! I don't think he is jealous of your success, i think he might be frustrated that you exhibit very little concern about your children.

Please sit down and have a discussion, but please hear his points too. And please think about your kids.


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RE: Husband jealous of career

I agree, sit down and talk to your hubbie. His outburst is him saying he is not coping and has issues. It would have been more mature to actually say that, but he didn't.

Do what is best for the children, that is the best course.

The time you spend with your children will form strong bonds that will sustain you in those difficult years to come.

Sure, you are doing well, but is your family ?

Is your career success the most important thing in your life ?


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RE: Husband jealous of career

It's very difficult to balance the legitimate needs of a successful career with the legitimate needs of a young family... (I did it for many years until moving to a job with more flexibility, and while I love the extra time with my kids, I do sometimes miss the glamor and extra money.)

I can absolutely see why you'd be all excited about your career, and why you'd want your husband's support. If he would just gracefully pick up more time with your kids, you could enjoy your career and a happy family and life would be swell. Perfect even.

But then, that was HIS game plan wasn't it? Until you didn't give up your career... And that's why he's pissed! He thought he was going to have a full-time housewife and full-time mom, enabling him to never have to make career sacrifices unless he wanted to. But now he has a career-woman partner who expects him to sacrifice his career sometimes (the same way you do) so the family's needs get met. He thought his career would be unimpeded by family needs (that's your job) and he could be the breadwinner (and perhaps also The Boss?). Where I used to work, supporting a stay-at-home-wife was actually something of a status symbol for some of the guys. Do you think that might be in play with your husband?

I adore my children. But I also loved my demanding career. And for us, having a nanny (a.k.a. 'someone else raising them' -- I hate that term.) was a wonderful solution for a few years. The woman who nannied my boys is a kind, moral, intelligent, loving woman who was a fabulous influence on my children. In fact, 18 years later, she is still a dear friend. I knew that when she was with my boys, that they would get the same kind of loving attention and good influence they would get if I were home -- sometimes better, because her attentions were undivided. Is that an option for your family?

There are also great options for day care -- really high quality environments with flexible service times. For a price, of course. Is your youngest old enough to benefit from good day care?

In any case, it seems time to put the issue squarely on the table and have a discussion about it. But before you do, decide what it is career-wise that you want. Do you want a more demanding, more high-paying, more successful career? Do you need that in order to feel good about yourself? If you do, SAY SO. That's not a bad thing, and it's something your husband should be able to understand. Do you need two incomes to support your financial goals? (college? travel?) And of course, also consider what's best for your children. They need their parents, but that doesn't necessarily mean YOU and only you. If Dad is unwilling to pitch in more, he sould not be able to just push that back onto you with an 'it's your job!' attitude. That's about 30 years out of date... (And that IS what he's doing, right?)

Your current 'tip-toe and apologize' strategy isn't really a good one, because it constantly puts you on the defensive, in the position of begging him not to be mad at you -- and it seems, he wants to be mad. (And from where I'm sitting, he seems pretty selfish.)


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sweeby

"And from where I'm sitting, he seems pretty selfish."

he is taking care of the house and children, i just don't see how it is selfish. he IS pitching more. most people with young children do not take traveling job or if they must, they discuss it with their spouses. from where i am sitting OP appears rather selfish too, making her own decisions disregarding needs of everyone else.


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RE: Husband jealous of career

Please reread your post as if a stranger wrote it.

I see several paragraghs about your wonderful career. One or two blasting your husband for having issues with being a fulltime breadwinner AND a fulltime parent, and only 1 or 2 sentences that refer to your children--one of which is the comment that you cheerfully hand them off to others (your parents) to raise.

In my experience, it's EXTREMELY unusual for the average mother to NOT discuss her children. Working moms even more than most often go on about how well the kids are doing. It strikes me as odd, that your post is really about your relationship and responsibilies to your children and yet you barely mentioned them. Obviously, it's difficult to get a read on someone, their life, and their relationships in a few paragraphs, but that seems quite telling to me.

Just from what you've posted here, it does sound as if you are putting your job first, and expecting everyone else to take care of things at home.

I do wonder, too, if you EVER sat down with your husband in the beginning to discuss how much time your job was going to take away from the family. Did you two REALLY discuss and agree on this or did you accept the work, then come home and drop it in your husband's lap? Along the way, have you discussed your family, it's needs, and worked together to make your situation work? My gut instinct is that you and your husband don't have those kinds of ongoing conversations, that you're not--and haven't been--working as a team.

Look, your job sounds fulfilling and financially rewarding, BUT as mom's we don't get to put ourselves first. I've been there--many dreams and opportunities were put on hold, because when I was raising my daughter, she was "Job One" as they say. NO ONE but a mother can teach a child to be responsible, moral, ethical, caring, loving. Young children NEED a mom on the premises. Fulltime is best, but at the very least, kids need to see their moms every day. I very much fear, that unless you get your mom act together soon, you're going to be facing either losing your family. And I think your husband could make a really good case for getting fulltime custody, just based on what you've posted--but maybe that would be okay with you anyway. Would leave you free to pursue your independent lifestyle. OR you're going to have many troubled marital years ahead, and then one you're going to wake up to the burden of crushing guilt, because you're going to have teens who will be showing the evidence of what not having a mom around did to them. And like so many other mothers of teens, you'll end up quiting your job to stay home, hoping to mop up the mess, but it will be too late by then. It's become so common for working mom's of teens to end up realizing they made a HUGE mistake by abandoning their children to the care of others. You've got a forewarning of that--it's up to you to decide what to do about it.

But whatever you end up doing, the first thing you MUST do is to sit down, when you're both calm, fed and interested in working things out, and have a long, productive discussion with your husband. You owe him that, at least.


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RE: Husband jealous of career

"he is taking care of the house and children, i just don't see how it is selfish. he IS pitching more."

If he's whining, moaning and resentfully pouting about it, I don't see how that qualifies as "pitching in"...

"one of which is the comment that you cheerfully hand them off to others (your parents) to raise."

I didn't see that comment Azzalea -- Can you show me where she said that? I did see the part about where she asked her parents to help out a bit...

As to the comments about how she fails to gush about her darling little children, this post is about the strain on her relationship with her husband as a result of her career demands. It is certainly possible to love your career, love your children, and love your husband -- ALL at the same time!

"NO ONE but a mother can teach a child to be responsible, moral, ethical, caring, loving. "

Bull-oney! My husband teaches our sons that every single day. So does his mother, every time she sees them. And our nanny did as well. My older son's StepMother teaches my older son those same values. As do the vast majority of my kids' teachers.

"Young children NEED a mom on the premises. Fulltime is best, but at the very least, kids need to see their moms every day. I very much fear, that unless you get your mom act together soon, you're going to be facing either losing your family. And I think your husband could make a really good case for getting fulltime custody, just based on what you've posted--but maybe that would be okay with you anyway. "

Good Grief! Did we just time-warp back 30 years?

Sure, many teens who did not have good child care in their early years have problems as teens and young adults. (So do many teens raised by stay-at-home moms.) And many teens partly raised by caring nannies and in good day care/pre-schools do extremely well!

I don't mean to diminish the importance of Moms -- But come on! Moms are not the only people capable of good child-rearing.


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sweeby

If he is doing what he needs to be doing, then he is pitching in. Yes he is whining, but that's a separate issue, he is still doing the job.

the situation is not about staying home full time or not, nowadays who is staying home? and I don't believe women need to stay home. but OP made her own decisions taking traveling job and doing after work activities without discussing with her spouse.

If a woman posted here how her husband took traveling job without discussing and how he goes places after work and she not only works full time (as OP's husband does) but also does things alone around the house and raising children, then everyone would be saying what a jerk he is and how dare he do this to her. double standard!

if a decision is for her husband to raise children, fine, but they both have to agree to it. and I agree with azzalea, he will get full custody and then she'll whine and moan. I do smell divorce here.


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RE: Husband jealous of career

Divorce? Custody? I don't get a whiff of any of that. I just see a couple of spouses that are out of synch. Not uncommon. Seems work-outable to me.

Would be nice if OP returned and gave some feedback.


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RE: Husband jealous of career

If a woman posted here how her husband took traveling job without discussing and how he goes places after work and she not only works full time (as OP's husband does) but also does things alone around the house and raising children, then everyone would be saying what a jerk he is and how dare he do this to her. double standard!

This was my thought, too.

IMHO, the bottom line is, she and her DH need to get on the same page. If the conflict continues to build -- which it will unless it is settled -- it will not only harm them and their marriage, but also the children.


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RE: Husband jealous of career

"No amount of success can account for failure in the home."

Your kids are only young once. Don't abandon your career - just balance. And if your family isn't #1 to you, they'll end up being #1 to someone/something else.

-This from a career woman/musician/mother of three.


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RE: Husband jealous of career

Okay, I'm sure this isn't a PC opinion, and I'm trying to not be harsh, but...you chose to have children. Being a good parent requires sacrifice on your part where possible. If that means you need to pull back on your career for the good of your children, then so be it. You need to look at the reality of your life as it is now, rather than what you would like it to be -- maybe there is some supermom out there that can have a high-power career, and still be a good mom, but she's a very rare creature. You need to put the good of the children first at this juncture in your life -- that's the reality that is being handed to you, because you chose to have children.

Note: I am not saying it's all on you. Your husband has to play a part in this well. Neither parent should be taking a job that requires a great deal of time away from home, 14 hour days, etc. when the kids are young. Obviously, there are times that this can't be avoided, due to monetary issues, but frankly, that didn't sound like an issue in your post -- you're choosing to work those hours because that's what you want to do, not out of financial need. It isn't fair to the kids, and they're only young once. You clearly don't have a husband that is interested in staying home and being Mr. Mom, so you guys need to find a work and home balance that works for BOTH of you.

This is one of the reasons I don't have kids, and never will -- I prefer to not have my career slowed down due to other obligations. We all make choices in life; you need to accept the choices you have made, and make the sacrifice that is necessary for your kids.


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RE: Husband jealous of career

What about the salary of your husband? Is not his salary not enough to support all expenses of house? If the all expenses can be afford by your only husband then it is ok. You should leave your job. And only enjoy with your kids. You can get jobs again & again but not joys of life.


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