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Questions for those who have survived infidelity

Posted by mammajo (My Page) on
Wed, Jun 11, 08 at 15:59

By survived infidelity, I mean you have restored your marriage. Would you answer a few questions?
1. How long has it been since the affair ended?
2. How long was the affair?
3. Did you find out or did your spouse tell you?
4. Did you seek counseling?
5. What's your best advise for restoration?
6. Are you the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse?
7. How long have you been married?
8. Emotional, physical, internet?

Thank you so much. I will share our journey of the past 3+ years after discovery of the 9 year affair of my husband and a coworker soon if anyone is interested.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Questions for those who have survived infidelity

Thank goodness I have never had to go through anything like this but my mom and dad are going through this as I type.

My dad had an affair in November. My mom caught him driving down the street with another woman and after confronting him he finally came clean.

For the holiday they "played nice" while all the family was around but after that it hit the fan.

He has stopped seeing this other woman and wants to stay with my mom. My mom is just crushed! She can't decide if she wants to stay or go. She doesn't trust him as far she can throw him and he's tired of trying to convince her he's not cheating anymore. They are just in a vicious circle. They have tried counceling and all they do is fight. It has been physical a couple of times and that scares me.

Right now I don't know what would be the best thing. I would give anything to see them stay together but being together right now isn't healthy for anyone and sad to say one of them needs to leave.

I am sure I haven't answered your questions but know your not alone.


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RE: Questions for those who have survived infidelity

As far as I know, my dh has not cheated.
My brother lived for years with a cold and frigid woman. I'm pretty sure he cheated because of his situation. His wife, we later found out, was cheating on him with her boss. I'm pretty sure he also got her pregnant cause she tried to blame it on my brother and then said she wanted to kill the baby cause noone would take responsibilty. They eventually broke up and my brother remarried happily I might add. His x wife did not marry the person she cheated with. He only intended to use her anyway. She is not married to date.

Many people whose kids were friends with mine growing up are now getting divorced. They all seemed so "happy" to me. I have found out that adultery was involved but don't know which ones did what!

If this was a one time thing and your parents were happy in the past, I think they could probably work their way thru this.

I think it is kind of normal for your mother to express a lot of anger. I hope they go to counseling. Divorce sometimes is a kind of revenge. Your mother shouldn't let the (other woman) win. Divorce is permanent and they have a whole lot of history together that was good. If they can find a way to forgive, then that is the first step towards recovering their marriage.

I'm sorry you have to go thru all this. It is just as hard on the kids as it is on them. I wish they could see what they are doing to their family.


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RE: Questions for those who have survived infidelity

Mammajo--I hope that you can get over this but the fact that you are asking this many questions is troubling. A nine year affair with a co-worker is unusual unless they are the two most discreet people in the world and you never noticed anything.
One can guess she was married also. Is she now divorced? I am an attorney so I do hear about a fair number of affairs (from both parties so I often get to hear both sides) because they cause not only divorce but also assault, bankruptcy and will contests. I don't know if counseling works to put a relationship back together that has had 9 years of a 3rd party. I cannot imagine anything that would work for sure.
All you can do is consider the odds --your chances are better if she has moved out of state or been run over by a truck and you have several children. If they communicate by Email and still have computers your odds are worse.
Good luck and keep your eyes open.


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RE: Questions for those who have survived infidelity

Marge727
The only thing that worked for us was God!
Please don't be troubled about the questions. We are 3 1/2 years past discovery and have since renewed our wedding vows and our marriage is better than it has ever been. It is a shame that it took something like this to get us where we are today.

I was one that didn't think it could happen to us. When you think that way you set yourself up for the worst. We have since added all kinds of "hedges" around us.

I've made it through it because I believe that I could have done the same thing given the right circumstances.

I'm working on compiling lots of information to hopefully help others that have found themselves in this situation.


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RE: Questions for those who have survived infidelity

Ah, God. Of course.


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RE: Questions for those who have survived infidelity

I hope you will take this bit of advice. Quit while you are ahead. don't compile information, don't help others in that situation. Leave it behind you. There is a lot of bitterness and stress in that period of time for anyone who has gone through it and any therapist or divorce attorney will tell you its contagious. If I were your husband I would much rather you spend your time working with the poor or visiting the elderly. Listening to other men and women's adventures in the exciting (for them) land of infidelity is foolhardy at best. Three and a half years past discovery is wonderful. work at collecting ideas on how your husband would like to spend fun times with you, and spend your time developing things to talk about as far from this subject as possible. Be grateful you are happy 3 1/2 years after something like this, you are in an astonishingly small group; so you need to do everything you can to stay in that group--4, 5 or 6 years later.
The other woman is attractive because she is offering more than sex--she has interesting things to talk about --wears perfume, maybe has funny things to say. Try to do some of that stuff. Women who have attractive husbands know that and focus on them. My husband is a valuable resource so I make a real effort to hang on to him; keep him interested and happy. That takes a lot of love, time and energy. I also try to avoid people or situations that bring stress or danger into our lives. I don't pick up hitch hikers, and I try to avoid people who are involved in affairs.


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RE: Questions for those who have survived infidelity

I am very aware that we are in a very small group and am very greatful. I searched for someone to encourage me and didn't really find anyone. I believe we go through the tough times so that we will become stronger and are able to help others when they go through similar things. We can't just sit back and not try to offer help. We do focus on each other and work at our marriage everyday.
We will never get over the infidelity, but we are getting through it.
And I've found that I can't just ignore that it happened. I am effected by it every day in some way, and would rather be doing something possitive while dealing with it. It helps me to help others.


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RE: Questions for those who have survived infidelity

Wise words from Marge...

How about instead of working to help folks heal from infidelity (which leaves you wallowing in a world of pain), you work on a more general basis to help people build and maintain strong marriages and *prevent* infidelity.

A similar goal, but with a more positive spin, and one that will be supportive of your own aims as well.


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