Popi, I think you missed the point in a big way. Scarlett didn't say her gran lived without affection, he just didn't talk about it. A lot of men are uncomfortable talking about it. If your partner SHOWS you affection, is considerate and makes you happy, do the words matter? I'm not talking about 'comfortable housemates' here, but real love and understanding, without words. I know a lot of people want/need to hear it, unfortunately a lot of women, through what, insecurity, hard-wiring/genetics whatever will paint a man into a corner wanting to hear what he may feel but is uncomfortable saying. That can cause some people to react negatively, when cornered. Some people just don't like to verbalise. It is learned behaviour to some extent and if it extends to other things (communication is, after all, important) then it's an issue, but don't expect everyone to respond in exactly the way you want them to. They are not clones of you, but individuals. Don't try to remake them in your image. Trust your gut feelings. Do they make you happy? Are they demonstrative? Considerate? Loving in deeds? Then maybe the words are not always so important. On the other hand if one of you is feeling uncomfortable or unhappy or unloved, then it's a problem for both of you. My second wife and I express our love for each other pretty much every day, and mean it, and demonstrate it in gestures also. We are tactile and don't just touch/get physical when we're going to have sex. That I think is kind of key, if that's the only time there's a hug, then it's a problem. My ex was a lot like that, when I gave her a hug most of the time her arms were folded. When I was leaving her my eldest daughter and I had a long talk, and I asked her if she'd ever seen her mother and I do the things together other mums and dads do, holding hands etc, and she thought about it and answered no, she hadn't. A big light bulb moment for her and a huge help in her accepting her stepmother. It took a few false starts but even early on, she told her that she was ok because she could see that she made me happy. That meant a lot to all of us, and now they get along very well. At times I think daughter can see the night and day difference, and at times I think wishes her mother was more like her stepmother, not to be nasty but she has deep emotional issues that she will never address. I thoroughly recommend therapy, individually and as couples, to pretty much everyone. I think there would be very few people who wouldn't benefit.

Micke and coolmama, thanks for your comments. I do think he could have difficulty as you say. We are neither one getting younger, you know? I did promise to stay by him in sickness and health and I guess that covers the limits that sometimes come with age, don't you think? I don't like it but I can accept it like I could accept an illness or accident. I did ask my husband to talk with his doctor about it and find out if there is a physical reason. He never has done that or hasn't told me if he did. So I have to wonder if it is just a physical thing or if he just doen't want to be with me any more. If it's just that the equipment doesn't work right I don't see why it would keep him from ever giving me a hug. His arms still sure work for lots of other things! It hurts me that since he decided he isn't interested in sex anymore he also doesn't seem to be interested in spending time with me or showing any affection. As some have said, it's like living with a roommate. But if he really was a roommate I surely wouldn't have to do his laundry and all the cleaning, cooking, and shopping. I didn't mind all that so much before but now I kinda resent having to do all the wife work when I know I won't get any wife treatment. It's like he's real happy with the way things are and he doesn't seem to notice or care that I'm not satisfied with it. He just doesn't seem to give a thought to how I feel. I'm really annoyed that he decided it all - he lost interest so now I don't have anyone to meet my needs for love and affection with and at my age I probably never will again. And now all I can do about it is tiptoe around and talk with him - but don't make him feel bad - and tell him how much I hurt. Now I know that he doesn't want to talk about it any more than he wants to talk about anything else except guy stuff. And I'm sure that if I try to get him to talk about it he will get mad at me. Whenever he feels like he is being criticized or questioned or crossed he gets mad. You know that thing people say sometimes about a strong offense is the best defense. Like that. He knows I can't handle that and that he will win because I'll give up. And especially with this. What I want is more affection and to have him as a special friend if he can't be a husband in all ways. I sure don't want him blowing his top at me. He has made it really clear that he meant what he said about no more sex. It's been almost 4 years. I don't think there is anything I could say that would make him change about it and I know it sounds like I am a spoiled kid but I also feel like if I have to beg for it, I don't want it! I only barely have a little pride left after being rejected by my own husband. I sure wish there was another way to approach this thing than to offer that to him and let him reject it, too. As it is right now having to do without and feeling like I've been rejected has changed how I feel. I still care about him but I don't feel the same as I did before. I don't think you can feel the same when you believe that your husband would hurt you on purpose and not even care or make a move to stop it. Anyway, you guys may be right that I should talk to him and I'm sorry to seem like I'm not accepting your suggestions. I don't mean it like that. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how I really do feel about all of this.

Although I will add that I believe that the dynamic is different for people who were sexually abused in youth or childhood. And that anyone who starts to feel that their body is being transformed by their partner into merely a vehicle for that partner's sexual gratification--with pressure to perform on top of that (e.g., you have to pretend to be enjoying the process of your body being used as someone's tool for better masturbation) will naturally turn off sexually. It has nothing to do with rejecting the look of the partner. It has everything to do with issues of pressure, intimacy, closeness, trust, respect, a measure of autonomy, etc. A long-term partner is essentially more of a friend and family member than anything else after those first two or three years. Keep up the genuine praise (it must be truly felt, and stated calmly) and kindness, keep being repeatedly respectful, be somewhat autonomous but not aloof, listen carefully, do things outside the house together, engage in non-sexual affection with no groping whatsoever 8 times a day, be affectionate and patient through illness and stressors, be consistently supportive to each other, and you will have a happy enough sex life. Above all, listen, be brave in talking, be calm, and be devoted to your partner--focus on her or him, not your unmet needs if possible. Clean the house together. Laugh, play, spend time having fun, pay honest compliments.

I think you just wrote about my situation. I am a therapist. It is called distance and prosuer. It is the most annoying feeling in the world. In my opinion, this is a hard pattern to break, trust me. The more you pull the more they chase, it is a never ending. It can often feel as if you are powerless and leave you with feelings of guilt for their insecurities. Try to be mindful of what you want. Marriage is difficult and finding a good man is even more difficult, with that being said, I would ask him some questions... When he does what you call passive aggressive behavior, stop him in the act and ask " why is it that you are doing this? Ask him, what it means to him to have your attention and what does it mean to him to NOT have your attention. Let him know you can't fill him inside and when he fills the whole inside of his heart or figure out what is driving his needs, the relationship will feel more balanced. I am unsure when women write in the other responses " he isn't a man" I dont agree with those comments, in my opinion it is about how the person feels inside and possibly has a lot to do with attachment issues as a child. Without proper attachment as a child; often a person will search for that love they so needed as a child. It is something inside of him so it might be about excepting your husband for the way he is and learning about his childhood experiences and connecting on that level. It sounds as though you are feeling the burden of what he didnt get from mom or dad when he was a young boy. talking about it will help so much really having a conversation about his childhood I promise you there will be something he didnt get or someway he didnt feel loved. I suspect he experienced a loss or was emotionally neglected as a little one.