Very Needy Husband
bluemom
14 years ago
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asolo
14 years agosweeby
14 years agoRelated Discussions
How to handle a friendship with a needy alcoholic?
Comments (10)I second everything everyone else has said on this thread. I think its important to realize, as well, that her inability to control her addiction makes her a danger to your children as well as to the hypothetical person on the road when she is DUI. Under no circumstances can she be left in charge of your children and both she and they (depending on their age) need to understand that. I don't have any personal experience of alcoholism or drug dependency but it seems to me that she is, as others have pointed out, drawing you into her life and making you partly accountable for her behavior. What does it mean to her to keep asking you whether you will still "love her" when she messes up and whether she can still be like an aunt to your kids? The fact of the matter is that your relationship with her can't go back to whatever it was before you knew about her addictions and her endangering others. For her to ask that it will is another kind of denial of her own responsibility in controlling her addiction. And, it seems to me, that she is putting you in the position of somehow "standing by her" or "abandoning her." You aren't doing either. She is choosing to continue with an addiction regardless of how it affects the lives of people around her. Maybe that sounds hard hearted and I'm sure she's a nice person but I'm reminded of a wonderful stand up comedian (Jimmy Tingle)'s routine on being an alcoholic. In his routine everything was a good reason to take a drink--anger, and happinness, getting along with relatives, and fighting with them. sounds to me like she is sounding you out--are you going to keep forgiving her (reason to keep drinking!) or are you going to be angry with her (reason to keep drinking!). She needs to concentrate on straightening herself out and she can't do that as long as she is using other people as a measure of what is right or wrong with her own life. abfab...See MoreNeedy husband
Comments (31)I think there's a lot of over generalization and gender stereo-typing going on here. I find usually both sexes are at least partially at fault when their relationship isn't great. Women can and are often just as harsh as men, can scream just as loud, throw just as many plates (or punches) and be just as controlling. This labeling is hogwash IMHO. My husband has asked me to ask him stuff nicely too? What does that mean? Last time I checked, he was still male. And, I'm confused...if you're male and you yell, it's because that's how guys are are, but if you're female and you yell, it's because that's the only way men will listen to you. So, men get the blame for both men and woman yelling or acting aggressive? That just doesn't seem fair. I don't agree with the stereo-typical "He's a guy", "He must...", "Guys think", "Guys do...", ... comments. It's not that gender info can never be useful, but it seems like it's often just getting to the point of negative stereo-typing and male bashing. I understand that some people have had very bad experiences with their male relationships, but that doesn't make all men dogs. I have a feeing there's a lot more going on with this poster and her relationship(s?) than she has admitted. There's always two sides, and the one thing I've really noticed learning and have found very important about relationships is that there's "always more", a lot more, to the story....See MoreSo very sad for my husband
Comments (37)We are going through some of this with DS and DIL who married last year. DIL, seemingly overnight, decided she did not like us before they became engaged. There were some tribulations over the wedding plans and I felt she was rude and disrespectful on more than one occasion. My son would always come over alone, unless it was a holiday or special occasion. Then there is the issue of holidays.....they revolve around her parents and their schedule. I did expect this but not quite to such an extent. The year before last we were told that they could only stop by for about an hour or two xmas eve day in the afternoon for appetizers. Well, I had not planned on doing afternoon appetizers but I did anyway.....and then everyone was too full for dinner. I was not happy having spent the day preparing food. (They spent xmas eve and all of xmas day with her folks). So, this year I took a different tack. I say...this is what we are doing and when and we'd love it if you can join us. If it fits into their schedule, great. If it doesn't, that's ok too. I've just let it go. All last year, when we would see DIL I was cordial but kept my distance after having tried on several occasions to forge a better relationship with her and getting nowhere. Well, she is slowly becoming more pleasant with us. Don't know where her new attitude came from! She just had a surprise bday party for DS and I helped with alot of the stuff and she thanked me profusely...so I am hoping we are turning a corner....but not holding my breath. But, to answer OP, let it go. You may feel disappointed from time to time but it's not going to make for a happy family by making them feel guilty when they don't want to or can't participate. As others have suggested, ask them to get together another day or weekend....it's still several weeks away. Maybe they just want to start some of their own traditions. You need to be cordial and polite to D's IL.....but you don't need to be close....See MoreMy Needy Fiance
Comments (11)Totally what Sherwoodva says. If he doesn't hear you say "no", then essentially it's rape. Abandonment issues or no, he's damaged goods and clearly showing no signs of improvement despite counselling. You may be too exhausted to see it, but you have become the human equivalent of a sex doll. Cut your losses and move on; there has to be something better out there, even if it's being single and getting some sleep....See Moretracystoke
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