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need help

Posted by dreamzunfulfilled (My Page) on
Tue, Jun 12, 07 at 3:59

Hello i knw this will sound a lot crazy to all of u but it is a vital question for me ...and at this point in my life it matters a lot to me ...
I want to knw if anyone knows how much is it medically possible to control a childs features and complexsion of skin and other such stuff during the pregnancy and if it is possible then how successful it isand wht r the risks
i really need to know this
thanks


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: need help

Far as I know...not possible. All is decided at time of conception, programmed into the DNA.

Vickey-MN


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It's all a roll of the dice... dependent on the parents' DNA and recessive/dominant traits.


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I think you may be too young to be having children if your are seriously asking this question. I'm guessing maybe this baby will be of mixed race and you don't want it to appear that way for whatever reason. If you're talking bad acne, I'm sure a good dermatologist can do wonders nowadays and contacts can always change eye color.

There are so many serious health related issues and things to worry about when you have children; their complexion is not one of them. Good luck; I'm sure you'll have a beautiful baby that will love you no matter what their specific features are. There are some things that are just not in your control.


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Well i do agree with all of u but i was just thinking that with so much advancement ,there cud b one possible solution to it .
Carla i do undertand wht u say and i agree with u ...but when one has seen so much based on skin color ...no one wud want that for ur own baby and to top it all everyone else 's babies in the same family are white like milk...
i dont know if i am thinking right but then i know it is very very imp to me .


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"there cud b one possible solution to it . "

Solution to what?
Are you pregnant already or just thinking about it?


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It sounds as if you made a grave mistake and shouldn't keep this child. I would begin immediately to prepare for it to be adopted to a loving family.

After you have started the adoption process, you should march to the nearest family clinic and get YOUR TUBES TIED!

Shame on you - ruining an innocent child's life because you couldn't control your behavior. You bet I am judging you - your question tells me all I need to know! Females such as you make the rest of us, who are responsible, feel sick!

Little baby, I am so sorry for you - GOD, please be with this innocent little baby - you will be needed so badly, throughout his/her life, provided something doesn't happen before he/she can be born.

If I am jumping to a wrong conclusion here, God - please forgive me.


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kayjones, what do you mean? Are you saying that this childs life is ruined if he/she is biracial? My children are biracial and are beautiful! God does need to be with children/people to protect them from ugly people like you! Shame on you and your HATE. GOD LOVES EVERYONE!


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My god! I am not Pregnant ...i just wanted to know wht was bothering me ...i have never hurted anyone in my life and i guess i am paying the price for keeping everyone happy ...for once in my life i wanted to open my heart to strangers like u all and thot it wud help but i was so wrong...
I am sorry to hurt anyone if i have ...thanks a lot to all of u ..i dont need u all ...
One lat time ...i am NOT pregnant and if i was then i wud love the child to my last breath ...and i can bet with all the best moms in the world....


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Another clean score for the deity's interpreters. How pitiful.


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I did not get u Asolo can u plz explain ...
also did i say that i am married to a wonderful guy and wud do anything to keep him happy ..
happy is wht i am trying to keep everyone all my life...i got married coz my parents wanted me too ...coz of manetary probelms...ever since i got married i have been trying to make him and my in laws happy ..for which i wud give my self 8 on 10 . I left my studies cz my parents cud not afford it and now i am left without a decnt education and so i am fully dependent on my husband...cant get a job with the present education..
my husbands financial condition is ok but then he has to spport three families so that deosnt give me enuf money to study and i dont want to further pressurise him .
well this is my life in short and now i am at a point where i want to be a mother but a lot of social accpetence bothered me a lot ..so i thot of opening up to u all and clear my head as to wht to do ...but i guess it all makes sense only to those who go through the fire ...rest everyone can only judge u


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" did not get u Asolo can u plz explain ..."

It wasn't for you. It was sarcasm targetting those (in this case, kayjones and ninos) who bring their interpretation of a deity's -- god's -- desires into every discussion. I think that's presumptive, annoying, and unhelpful and was attempting to say so via my sarcastic sentence. I prefer to address situations as they're described. As to your situation, I have not expressed an opinion.


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thanks a lot for not judging me ...atleast thats kind of a relief


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"Are you saying that this childs life is ruined if he/she is biracial? My children are biracial and are beautiful! God does need to be with children/people to protect them from ugly people like you! Shame on you and your HATE. GOD LOVES EVERYONE!"

She did NOT say that at all... it is YOU spewing the hate towards her!

The way I see kayjones 's post is that she is feeling sorry for a child - not even born - who has a mother who wants it changed... who does not accept the child as is.

kayjones, correct me if I am wrong!


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The OP seems to be concerned that a possible future child would not look the way part of the family wants it to look. Like the rest of you, I'm assuming it's racial features that are the 'issue', and I find it depressing and offensive that this particular issue still exists in the minds of some people.

But it does.

A good friend of mine is from India and has, by Indian standards, a very light complexion. She and her husband have two children, and her husband greatly favors the lighter-skinned child for exactly that reason. To him, it is a sign of status to have light-complected children, and to be brutally honest, he's a little embarassed by the darker child -- an absolutely gorgeous girl who was recently accepted into an Ivy league university. It's offensive. But it is a fact of life. And it's part of many cultures.

Dreamz - I'm glad you're not pregnant now, because the fact that you asked this question points to deep problems somewhere in your family. If it's not important to you, then good. But clearly, it seems to be important to somebody you're close to, and that's a very sad problem to have. I'd definitely try to sort it out before you marry. And get that education because without it, your options will always be limited.


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Thanks Sweeby but it is too late to sort it out i am already married and yes looks do matter a lot ...i know ppl here have been accusing me of things that i havent done and will not do at any cost ...but my question simply was can we medically control the complexion of the baby ..simple yes or no ..if it is yes then i wud like to go ahead and get further information ...if no then i will face wht ever i have to with my child and make my child stornger than i am ...just a concern that i wanted to share and take all possible considerations before i proceed to concieve .
I am so disheartened by the reactions ...y cant ppl understand that we all speak from experience and not just a out of the blue thot ...i have beeen judged by my looks all through my life ...thats y my parents got me married to the first guy they thot will not reject me and i wasnt given a choice .
All the kids ...and i mean all ..r beautiful and fair and i love them a lot ...but the facts of life really scare me a lot ...
i was looking for some support but .....


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You would be suprised how common biracial children are where i live. That is why we choose to live here. It breaks my heart that some people still hate over the color of ones skin. My kids are 8,6,and 4. The oldest is as dark as dad. My middle child is olive color. My youngest is as white as me however, he tans easily. Im sorry life has been hard. Sooner or later my own kids will have to deal with this hate too. I have always taught them equality. I think i have done such a great job so far that my kids dont even think twice about race. Good luck to you. Dont worry....your kids will be beautiful too.


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FWIW my oldest is biracial also (Chinese-white) and is very dark-complected. While there's a definite Asian cast to his features, he also looks very much like me in the proportion and arrangement of his features. What amazes me is who can see the resemblance and who can't -- who only sees skin...


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"If I am jumping to a wrong conclusion here, God - please forgive me."

I don't know how God feels about it, but I think the one to whom you owe an apology, & from whom you should ask forgiveness, is the original poster.


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In college, I went to school with several Central and South American students. Their experience was the same - that lighter skinned children were favored by families and their societies. Sad.


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western_pa_luann, YOU interpreted my meaning correctly.

I was only concerned for the child, based on her question. If I misinterpreted the meaning of the post, then indeed, I do appologize. Seriously, what did YOU think when she asked 'can you control a baby's skin color and features'?

I work in social services and see abuse regularly, because someone isn't 'like they should be'. Excuse me - what is the definition of 'like they should be'? IMO, God made each of us in his image and we should be accepted for who we are and not the genetic makeup.

I will not appologize for my concern over this poster being the mother of ANY child - I don't believe she is mother material!

What mother or POTENTIAL mother would want to alter the features and color of her baby's skin? I still suggest that it would be a BIG mistake for this person to entertain being any child's mother.


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To Original Poster-

I'm sorry you have to worry about your family accepting your child, but I think you're wise to think about how to protect your child.

Please don't let judgmental posters get to you;
You've gotten some good information from people who've "been there done that" & who know.

As someone suggested, going back to school would give you a better perspective on things & give you better job opportunities (translation: if you can support yourself, you aren't completely dependent on your husband)...
& if he's supporting 3 families, I bet he'd be grateful for some financial help!

& if you do decide to have children later on, I'll bet you have healthy, intelligent, beautiful ones.


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Hi there

My children are of mixed race (Anglo/Indian).

My beautiful daughter (20) is often asked stupid questions like "where do you come from", to which she replies "Sydney". Other questions are "Are you Italian?", or "Are you Greek?". This is a source of humour to her as she strongly identifies with being an Australian. She was very excited the other day to meet 3 Anglo-Indians as she has never met one before.

I suppose my point is, you never know what is around the corner in your life. To hold your head up and be proud of your appearance and plough through the detractors, will make you a strong person.

I might also add, that the blending of cultures, which are what my children are faced with, can only make them very worldly citizens, who can lay claim to both cultures.

Just one side of the racial issue, here.

Popi


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RE: need help

QUOTE: "Hello i knw this will sound a lot crazy to all of u but it is a vital question for me ...and at this point in my life it matters a lot to me ...
I want to knw if anyone knows how much is it medically possible to control a childs features and complexsion of skin and other such stuff during the pregnancy and if it is possible then how successful it isand wht r the risks
i really need to know this"

I don't think anything having to do with race has been mentioned here, although it has been eluded to. This person's question was: can a child's features, complexion and other stuff be controlled during pregnancy.

The poster really isn't clear what her issue is, and it's unfair to assume anything, because assuming makes the assumer an ass.

Try to respond to the original question, please. It seems the poster is trying to make a vital life decision, and could use some real help.


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You know, Ms. Jones,

On these boards one must assume many things. Sometimes people guess right, sometimes wrong. If someone assumes wrong the OP can/usually corrects the assumptions. That's just how these boards are run. Sorry if you don't like it. We are ALL assuming some things when we answer any quesion on these boards so take you high and mighty attitude and take a nice long look in the mirror because, from what I have read, you are the one with the most wrong assumptions, coupled with unmitigated judgement and harsh advice; I guess that makes you the biggest as$.


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"That's just how these boards are run."

These boards are not "run". People say what they want.

Why some people tee off, making assumptions and then responding to their own assumptions -- their own agendas, basically -- is a continuing curiosity to me. Suggest responding to what the poster describes and stop until you learn more. Like maybe ask before launching.


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Well, now the train of discussion seems to be, that we should all stick to what the poster is talking about, or asking, in our responses.

In this post it is as clear as mud, what the discussion is actually about, so more clarification from the OP needs to be posted.

I might just add, that surely a "discussion" can lead to anything, go off on tangents, even. Is this necessarily a bad thing ?


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...but when one has seen so much based on skin color ...no one wud want that for ur own baby and to top it all everyone else 's babies in the same family are white like milk...

Hi dreamz,

There is nothing you can do to change the skin color or features of your future children. I know from experience that colorism within the family can be very hurtful. It is much easier to disregard ignorance from *an outsider* than from someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally.

There are some good books on the subject. Perhaps you can find a few at your local library. You won't be able to change the way your relatives feel about your offspring, but you'll be armed with some knowledge to help the child cope.

Skin Deep: How Race and Complexion Matter in the "Color-Blind" Era by Cedric Herring

The Color Complex by Kathy Russell & Midge Wilson

"The Bluest Eye" by Toni Morrison


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Why does the skin color matter to your family if THEY selected your husband??
"thats y my parents got me married to the first guy they thot will not reject me and i wasnt given a choice . "


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When girls/women are married off to "the first person that won't reject" them, I don't think their families are likely to be kind or even reasonable about the children that are born of that marriage.

Hang in there, dreamz, & read those books!


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I'd like to add 'Eyes on the Prize' as well to the book list.

I'd also like to say that no, you can't control the complexion of a child and I would also say that no matter what complexion the child has or what it looks like that you do NOT EVER let the child think that you feel sorry for it because it isn't 'light enough' or that it doesn't have 'european-enough' looking features. That will just give the child a complex.

Those kinds of superficial issues are all about class anyway. No, you can't control how others react to your child, but you CAN control how you react.

I'm African American and I'm well aware of the stigma in our society (among the black community as well as in general white society) that ranks blacks according to how close to white they look. I know that other minority cultures deal with these class lines based on skin tone as well. I'm lighter skinned and my sister is darker-skinned, but you better believe I NEVER EVER make her think I feel sorry for her ever - due to her skintone. As if I would! I'm jealous half the time of her flawless complexion and naturally perfectly shaped brows anyway. Besides that, I think her dark skin is GORGEOUS and I tell her so... all the time. I refuse to see it as a bad thing - the way society wants me to believe it is.

That's just a lie perpetuated during slavery times (house slave v. field slave) and for other minorities the lie got perpetuated during colonization. Of course some minorities would begin thinking that the closer they looked to 'white' the better their lives would be, because that's how the system was set up. You did receive better monetary benefits back then if you looked more white because the people in power were white. But don't fall into the trap of assimilating in that way now just because of class. God made us all different shades and sizes and we're all perfect just the way we are.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. No one can make your baby feel inferior without your baby's consent - and your baby takes his/her cues from you.

Focus on how your child could change the world rather than focusing on what she/he looks like. Focus within instead of on the exterior. You and your child would be better for it.

If you are worried about someone else's child, then give this advice to that future mother - but I still suspect that you probably needed to hear it too.


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My first thought was that the baby might me of mixed race, but I didn't think that would matter. What would matter is that the mother "sounded" as if she didn't want the baby the way it "might"' be.

My neighbor really jumps anyone who sounds the least be racist. BUT, she and her daughter only dates black men. I'm not sure who the racist is. LOL


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dreamzunfulfilled, are you still out there? I am curious as to what country you are from and what is your religious background? I would also like to ask what is your age and why is your husband supporting 3 families? I am not asking in order to judge or pry. I am hoping it would give us a better insight to your situation.
What is generally accepted in the USA is much more narrow minded then in many other cultures. Does your husband have more then one wife? Do you practice laws of sharia? If so and his other wives are educated I think you maybe able to press for monetary support for your education. (if I understand this law correctly) Good luck with your situation.
Lorie


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"What is generally accepted inthe USA is much more narrow minded then in many other cultures."

lostinca, I think I know what you're meaning, but please remember that "different" doesn't necessarily equal "narrow minded." That's a judgment term that may come from your particular perspective, but it's not an objective reality. What may seem narrow to one person (in any context) may be freeing or positive to another.


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And I was trying to be so careful as to how I worded it too...
I think I was very clear in assuring the OP that I was not judging anyone.
Americans tend to be a bit on the narrow minded side, (remember the Puritans?). That is just one of our quirks or cultural qualities. After seeing some of the posts above I felt it was a fair conclusion to be drawn. I don't mean to be rude but I really do not care to debate semantics with anyone. My concern was learning about the OP and learning about other cultures and could we offer a real solution to her. Have a good day.
Lorie


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"Americans tend to be a bit on the narrow minded side...."

Apparently you are not very well travelled. This is an incredibly inaccurate statement.


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How about in some ways, Americans can be surprisingly narrow minded. ?


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hey lostinca - I hear you...I've said things on forums thinking I'd worded them acceptably and then gotten blasted because they came across wrong. I think it's great you want to help the OP - and doing some potentially very helpful "out of the box" thinking around her dilemma.

However, I'm still going to politely disagree with the validity of making a generalized statement like, "Americans are narrow minded." I've found that if statements like this are qualified with an "IMO," or some other phrase to let us know that it's my own thought, not a blanket judgment, then there's less likelihood that others will be upset. It may seem like silly wordsmithing, but words can be powerful...


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Your right.. I am not well traveled, but I do think that I am well read. I grew up in Ohio and moved to Canada when I was 40. I can count the number of states I have visited on one hand. I do however, have friends from all over the world. I still stand by the opinion that Americans TEND to be narrow minded.

halfdecaf, I made the assumption that when you post an opinion that it is considered your own personal view unless stated otherwise.

Sweeby, that would have been a very eloquent way to have worded it. I think sometimes we over think our posts in order not to offend, judge or be judged but it happens a lot on the GW.

However, I think the whole point of the post is moot since I suspect the OP is no longer with us. Who can blame her? I am frustrated and its not even my topic.

Lorie


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Well my husband has to support three families coz his parents r old and they dont have any income, then his elder brother's business doesnt work ...so he sends money to him and also to his sister as she is also dependent on him. Right now he is the only earning memeber of the family.
Well now for my concerns: I am 27 years old and like many others have seen a lot in life. So i wanted to know is there i can i do to help my kids to have a better life. I have been critised a lot for my looks and skin color. And thats wht i did not want for my kids..the kind of life i have and the kind of family i am in,i know it is impossible for me to run away from such mentality.
But now i know that only being storng wud help me and nothing else.And thts wht i am preparing for .
Thanks to all


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I have no idea why you would have agreed to this marriage. No other comment except to wish you well and encourage you to take control of the only life you have.


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dreamz, as I read your posts I can feel the heaviness of this issue for you. You have said a couple of times that you've been criticized in your life and you want to make sure your child has something better. That is a wonderful, noble desire. The only suggestion I might offer is to try to involve yourself in some healthy relationships beyond those of your family. We all need community and we all need to have people in our lives who will encourage us. Off the top of my head, I'm wondering if you might find a therapist in your area that you might begin to work out these issues with (yes, they can be pricey, but many also offer lower fees to those who need them). Also wondering if you might be able to find a faith community (maybe one that your family isn't involved with) that you could be a part of.

I do hope that you can find the wisdom, clarity and support that you need.


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The OP is in India. Click on her page and you'll see that. Regardless of whether some people in the US tend to be narrow minded or not (and btw, there are people everywhere who are narrow minded and not - it's not a US-specific personality trait), India's culture is different from the US and the OP knows what's generally accepted and not. Just the fact that her husband is financially responsible for his extended family indicates a cultural norm.

OP, we who don't know or understand your culture can't judge your arranged marriage, your questions about altering the looks of your future children, or the impact of you staying with him or not. Only you can. However, I think we can offer you advice and support from our perspective and let you come to your own conclusion about what is best for you.

I hope for a good future for you, with a loving, devoted husband and, essentially, what YOU want in life. If you also want that, however (or if) you achieve that is something that you need to look within for. And I understand the cultural impact.

My very best to you -

Suzieque


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Would have been simple enough to disclose and avoid all this tumult. I reiterate my wish for her well being but I see no reason for this fishing about without enough information to be meaningfully responsive. What a waste and annoyance.


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asolo, your empathy leaves me speechless.

dreamzunfulfilled, Sorry I have not responded back sooner. We have been very busy here working on the house. Over my coffee this morning I started searching for education options for women. Is it possible you could tell us what state / province you are in there? I was thinking maybe there are grants or programs that are being offered for educational purposes you could access?

At this point in your life (in my opinion) there is no need to rush into having children. I realize there maybe a lot of family pressure on you to do otherwise though. Maybe you should look into more options for your education and complete something that would help you fulfill your dreams. What is it you would like to study or are you looking to finish your basic education? If you do have children now please do not give up on your desire to finish your education. I did not go to university until I was 28 years old and my children were in school their selves.

Also,when I was looking up stuff this morning I found a few articles about racism and discrimination in India. You really have a hard road ahead of you fighting it. Perhaps your role in life is to help others understand how much it hurts everyone, even the innocent babies.

I will keep searching and reading and maybe we can find something that will help you.
Lorie


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"....your empathy leaves me speechless."

dear lostnca...I would welcome your speechlessness. But, alas.


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I know how tough life can be in India, as I have travelled there, particularly if you are female.

But there is profound hope for a better life, as the economic influence takes hold. In my experience, the only way you can create a better life for your child, or even for you, is to be educated. Presumably you have access to education as you are using the internet.

Whatever you do, become educated.

Aren't there women's refuges where you can get some help, or even talk to other women about the problems you are having ?

You must talk to someone who is able to understand your situation.

Take care.

Popi


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