Am I being unreasonble?

13 years ago

I have a question and I simply don't know who to ask. I've considered all my friends and family and I guess I just don't want to go to people who know us. Most of them would feel awkward choosing between us and family is difficult enough as it is. Outside input is needed!

Here's the situation: My husband is 71 and I am 60. A few years ago he began having a lot of problems at work - disagreements with his boss, bad reports, etc. He wanted out and I felt that he was probably going to be out one way or another. He has worked for a lot of years although neither one of us has any sort of retirement plan except for social security. Nevertheless, I suggested that he retire (rather than get fired) since he would be getting SS and since I had no pension anyway I would just continue to work. That was 5 years ago. At least one of us could enjoy retirement.

I gave up my own free lance graphic design business and got a job for a printer that offered insurance since that was the biggest expense for me as a self employed person and since I could no longer be on my husband's insurance if he retired. He has Medicare and a supplement and I have a really crummy insurance where I work. But at least I have one.

My job is not very well paid. And...about a year and a half ago the company decided to cut all the employees back to 32 hours from 40. So I took a 20% cut in pay. There is no talk about going back to 40 hours and why should they? We still have to get the work done but now we do it 20% cheaper.

There is a lot about my job that I don't like. And, I'll admit, I have griped a lot to my husband. I thought I could let my hair down. At least it lets off steam.

However...my husband has decided that I need a different job. He got together with a guy he met at the bar he spends time in every afternoon. This guy works for a major corporation (if I told you the name you would know it). He used to be connected with HR somehow although he is not now. My husband sat down with me one evening and out of the blue said, "I wasn't going to tell you about this until it was a done deal, but..." Then he told me he had been in touch with this guy about trying to find a higher paying job for me at that big company. He wanted to invite the guy over and talk about it.

I wasn't terribly excited. Does anybody understand that? Why would it bother me that he wanted to do this all without talking with me? But I said o.k. Invite him over; I'll cook dinner. And I did. He asked for my resume and I sent it to him. I talked with him about how I felt I wasn't being paid what I was worth and that the company does not give raises (I didn't know that when I hired on). I talked about the stupid way the company is run: it's a family company and "practical" is not high on the list. Still, my job is quite secure and very easy. I can wear whatever I choose and I don't have to interact with the public (a big plus). If I want time off I need only tell them.

So. The guy sent a job posting. It was a few cents more per hour than mine but it was answering phones to hear complaints all day. I was not really excited. I didn't respond.

Then he sent another one. This one pays about twice what I make but it is for internet design on a fairly high level and I don't know anything about web design at all. I told my husband that I was sure I couldn't qualify for it and he got very angry. He snarled that I had learned new programs before and that I could do it again. I didn't respond.

I stifled myself and a few days passed. Today I got an email from the guy saying that he had sent in my resume and applied for the job for me. !!

This evening I tried to talk with my husband about this. I told him that I was not comfortable with this guy sending in my resume for jobs I had not wanted to apply for. I asked him to put himself in my place and imagine if I had gotten a friend of mine to send his resume in for a job he did not feel qualified for. He said (with attitude) that HE would have been GRATEFUL. That is SO not the case. I know him. He would have been livid.

I told him that I really wanted to be the one in charge of my life at least to this little extent - let me decide which jobs to apply for. He was angry. I said I would be happy if his friend would continue to look for prospects but I would like to be the one to decide which to apply for. He turned on his heel and went off to bed.

O.K. Am I being unreasonable? Am I crazy for feeling that my husband is manipulating me? Or that the guy is overstepping the bounds?

I know how I feel about this but I could use a reality check. Am I ungrateful? Or are they messing with me?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (7)

asolo
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"He got together with a guy he met at the bar he spends time in every afternoon."

Clue number one.

"...he wanted to do this all without talking with me..."

Clue number two.

"...got an email from the guy saying that he had sent in my resume and applied for the job for me. "

Clue number three.

"He said (with attitude)........................."

How many "clues" does it take to get you focused?

You've been here a while, Lindakimy. Considering all youv'e read and commented on over the years, how can this possibly be mysterious to you?

Your husband is being a self-interested jerk and your husband's friend is waaaaaay out of bounds. Whether or not their intentions are pure, their actions are intrusive and offensive. Stand your ground with both of these imbeciles.
lindakimy
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thank you! I'm so glad you responded. You sure do cut to the chase. As I said, I do know how I feel. Yeah. I do know. I'm just not really sure how it's going to work out. Or if there is some way I haven't thought of to approach it what might avoid huge damage.

I've put up with a lot over the years (far more than I've posted - be grateful!) and I could keep doing that but I have a feeling this may be an unavoidable confrontation. I don't look forward to it. That's why I welcome your comments.
Related Discussions
getting from where I am to where I need to be...
Q
Comments (9)
What are the tasks that you most love to do in the garden? Your transformed garden will accentuate the things you love to do and try to diminish the tasks you don't like so much. You may have to get creative about how you keep your favorite activities in the picture. Will you need to upgrade paths or stairs? Handrails or gripping posts in strategic locations? A graded slope instead of steps? What can / can't be changed to improve your ability to use the garden in the ways you most enjoy? The benefits of gardening are still out there--lowered blood pressure, exercise, keeping the spirit-mind-body thing whole. And we will go to amazing lengths to do the things we enjoy. If you love planting thingsÂevery yearÂbut you can see that getting down on your knees to plant a dozen flats of favorite annuals just isn't going to cut it for much longer, then think how you can satisfy that love. Raised beds, container displays, and hanging baskets come to mind. Also, you might upgrade to a spacious potting table, at just the right height, with all your tools conveniently to hand Here's a funny one for you. I love to sweep. Yeah, the blind gal likes the rhythmic methodical corraling of debris off the patios in back. Because I'm blind, and because I've always hated loud motors, I don't really want anything to do with motorized blowers. They turn me instantly into Helen Keller, blind and deaf. SoÂI don't yet need to plan a garden where someone else takes over a chore that I like to do. Create your own special space. I'm presuming that you will follow the general suggestions to think through your overall landscape design and to move toward more shrubs, small ornamental trees, and types of perennials of the reliably less demanding order. Since there is no such thing as a garden that can be put entirely on automatic pilot, this shift in design and plant material may give you plenty to do. But you may want to incorporate or accentuate an area or two that will work especially well for you. It might be a shaded meditation spot with some seating in it that is particularly kind to your body. Maybe the same area has a raised bed nearby which allows you to sit on the edge of the bed and fuss with the plants there. Or maybe you could shift from being a general plantaholic to becoming a tulip nut, or daylily crazy, or a hosta fanatic. There's something to be said for these old workhorses. They'll come up in pots, raised beds, or dirt piles in the driveway. There are endless varieties to collect and grow. If you've done your homework in converting your overall landscape to less maintenance, then you might find a focus on a particular plant a fun way to keep your passion for collection satisfied. Hope this helps. Wellspring
...See More
Who am I going to be.. I was supposed to be Estella
Q
Comments (11)
Well, I had a bit of trouble posting pictures, Picasa lost all the links, but they're back now... My Benfica has finally opened all the way and what a beauty.. I just can't get the color right, have taken a dozen pictures and they all come out too purple...anyway, the color is a very, very dark velvet red, just lovely and it's a 6 "+ flower. In the pictures it looks just like my Red Pearl, but since they're not both out I can't compare...take a look and see if you still think it's Benfica.. Thanks, Donna These were taken without flash and I still couldn't get the color right! Here is Red Pearl:
...See More
I have a pair nesting am I doing everything I should be.
Q
Comments (21)
I need to check on mine today Gary. My male is fairly skittish, and he like to do a big "fly in your face to intimidate you" kinda thing. I never get bombed by the birds in my yard, and I think it's because I am out there so much. This particular male though is skittish, and it really worries him for me to actually touch his box! He is fine as long as I don't touch it. :o) I may take my step stool and an umbrella out so that it's easier on him and me!! I will let you know. Mine should be hatched out by today if all is going well.~~Angie
...See More
I think I am being set-up for failure by MIL for this weekend
Q
Comments (19)
So what happened? Did you acquiese? Did your husband go out and say, "It's not a good time. I'm sorry but you will have to go? We've already talked about this kind of ambush?" Did you ignore them and they went away without seeing any of you? Me, I would have replied to the first email: "I'm sorry I'm still recovering from your dreadful behavior at my child's christening. I'm not up for visiting for a while. Husband or I will let you know when we are ready to risk social encounters with you again." But that's just me. I have very little patience with unpleasantness. Co-dependent I'm not, rescuer I'm not, doormat I'm not, young and anxious to please I'm not. When MIL showed up at my door unannounced in the early morning, I would have first asked my husband, "Were you expecting your mother and a bunch of other people?" Just to make sure there wasn't a misunderstanding. And then I would have opened the door just wide enough to poke my head out, "Can I do something for you?" without a smile. She better have an emergency to report. If not, I would have said, "This isn't a good time. We've talked to you about doing things like this." And I would have looked at the other family members and added, "I'm sorry MIL dragged you over here. I don't know what she told you but we had no plans to entertain the family this morning; in fact, we have other plans, are not dressed and I need to get moving. I hope in spite of whatever MIL led you to believe was going to happen this morning, you have a nice day." And I would have shut the door, hoping MIL had the good grace to be embarassed. But if she wanted to play the victim card and get all wound up with indignation and self righteousness and involve herself in contacting everyone she knows to cry and complain, I would be able to shrug it off. Standing up for yourself against unreasonable behavior is how you separate the decent people in your life from the indecent. If you allow people to walk all over you, they will. But that's me. Some people don't care, they'd say, "Wow, great, want to tag along with us today." One way is not better than the other. The wrong way to handle the problem is to cope in a way that leaves you resentful and irritated and feeling trapped and angry. Fences make good neighbors. Boundaries make good relationships. Deeply insecure people hate personal boundaries, their goal is to merge into other people's lives like siamese twins. If you want to be a siamese twin, no problem. If you don't, don't feel guilty about sticking up for yourself. But also don't wait for the other person to be happy with your decision not to merge with them. Think of it this way: If your neighbor's dog keeps causing havoc in your yard, you can nag and moan and fuss over him putting up a fence and get yourself all wound up trying to get him to do what you want. Or you can put the fence up yourself and solve the problem. If he doesn't like it, it's his problem. If you are going to wait for your MIL to impose boundaries on herself or give you permission, you will wait for eternity. You can't turn a night owl into a morning lark, you can't turn an extrovert into an introvert, and you can't turn a person without internal boundaries into one who respects the personal space of others. They don't value the same things and are that way by nature. Neither of your ways are inferior to the other's; and you need to respect your own orientation on the matters of closeness versus autonomy as well as hers. What she wants does not trump what you want. And when it's your house and your time, what you want DOES trump what she wants. A therapist skilled in family dynamics would be a good investment, because if you don't learn healthy ways of negotiating the closeness versus autonomy problem now, resentments and anger are likely to build up to the point that you feel forced into that cut-off you say you don't want. You cannot ignore your own needs in any relationship and expect that relationship to survive. Good luck to you.
...See More
asolo
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
From your post, clearly this is not of your making. However, more to the point, what has been visited upon you is quite intolerable. Given that the events have already occurred, yes, a confrontation is unavoidable. From what you've described, I'd take it to both of them proudly.

My opinion would be: Don't take any prisoners at home or abroad on this one. Drop the hammer on both of them and don't cease your blows upon either until they get the damned message.
lindakimy
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
OMG! THAT sounds like great fun!! How do I do it? I thought I was being pretty bold just broaching the subject with my husband this evening. That should tell you something - Lord, I'm lame. If all goes according to history, no more will be said until I bring it up again. Of course, there may be additional job applications or communications with HR in my name!

Just tell me - and get specific - how do I drop the hammer?

BTW...I have already made a threat: if that guy changed a word of my resume the sh!t WILL hit the fan and I WILL point it at him. My husband said (a little too quickly) that he hadn't changed anything. If he did....I will redefine hissy fit.
asolo
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Given what you've described as having already occurred, and the gravity of it, I see no alternative but a direct approach. And I mean to both, individually -- and clearly. Both will back-peddle and try to make it seem like no big deal. Like they're just trying to do you a favor. However, both, without your agreement, have taken your very identity forward in representation to the entire rest of the world. If they don't understand how intrusive, presumptive, and impermissible that is, now's the time to tell them.

You know them. You have words. You can do this. I would prepare your statements and also prepare your rebuttals for the predictably stupid things they'll bring forward to make it seem like they didn't do anything wrong and they can't understand why you're so up upset. Don't leave them any wiggle room. From what you've described, their points of view will be quite predictable. Your statements in refutation should be easy to imagine and have well-rehearsed. Sew them up in rhetorical sacks and throw them in the Seine.
lindakimy
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Oh, yes. Husband did insist that they were HELPING me. I was just being stupid and not seeing that they were GOOD to me.

BS. Yep. BS.

Well, I did let husband know that I was not best pleased. He hasn't gone to bed that early in ages. I don't know that he will change anything...maybe, if he thinks it would hurt to cut off my "chance to find a better job". I can picture him just telling the other guy to stop. Just stop.

The other guy...I am thinking I will email him and tell him not to send my resume unless I approve. That seems kinda tame. Got any thoughts??

The problem is that I am so pathologically UNconfrontational. I try every way in the world to put up with stuff. But I don't have any ideas about how to stand up. And I think I should about now.

The thing is, at this point I don't think I will be content if they just back off. Yes, they should stop co-opting my life. Yes, they should let me decide. But if they just quit (because I am an ungrateful B!TCH) then it just stops and I don't get to make a point. I think I would like to make something go BOOM!

Kidding!

Not.
popi_gw
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Linda I can see why you would be annoyed, but perhaps the new job will be better than the one you have now.

Perhaps your hubbie thought he was helping and was pleased about the opportunity he had created for you.

Just another way to look at things.

Be very careful that you are not giving up a good opportunity no matter how it eventuated.

Am I being unreasonble?

Comments (7)

asolo

lindakimy
Original Author

Related Discussions

asolo

lindakimy
Original Author

asolo

lindakimy
Original Author

popi_gw

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Am I being unreasonble?

Comments (7)

asolo

lindakimyOriginal Author

Related Discussions

asolo

lindakimyOriginal Author

asolo

lindakimyOriginal Author

popi_gw

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

lindakimy
Original Author

lindakimy
Original Author

lindakimy
Original Author